Be Self-ish

Fall.
Sweet. Rustic. Warmth. Comfort.

Despite the record heat, I was determined to spend last Sunday in my kitchen baking pumpkin bread and pumpkin bars. (I know, I'm crazy) The recipe for pumpkin bread was given to me years ago from a co-worker and the pumpkin bar recipe, I found online. (allrecipes.com) It was a self-ish afternoon and it was unmistakably nice. Just me in the kitchen; chopping, cutting, mixing and of course, thinking. The blinds in my kitchen window were open to let some natural light in, the stereo playing old Dean Martin songs and Sunny and Quincy sprawled out on the cool kitchen floor.

There is something about baking that calms my spirit. I enjoy the process. Following instructions to a "t." Watching the batter rise and the edges brown perfectly and evenly. And the best part? The scent. The scent that permeated our house on Sunday was no match for any store bought air freshener or expensive scented candle. It was spicy. sweet. And it made the whole house feel warm and cozy. (Gotta love pumpkin spice!) Even on a hot fall day, which is no small feat. Outside it may have been in the hundreds but inside our home, it felt and smelled like it was cool, crisp fall day.

At the end of my mini baking/therapy session, I felt calm and relaxed. Great. Like that was exactly what I needed - to center myself. Life is crazy most often, for all of us. It's important to take a "time out" - even if it's just for thirty minutes. When the kids are at school or in bed. When your husband is at work or watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon. (like mine) We work hard. We love hard. (I know, sounds strange, but when you think about it, SO true) We give. We support and encourage. We volunteer and often, we forget about our own needs. We put ourselves at the bottom of our everlasting list of things to do.

We need to listen. And learn this lesson. Be self-ish.
To give fully, we must also be open to receive.

"Your inner world is a reflection of your outer world"
author unknown

The Date

Photo by: Bonnix

The date has been set. Our doctor's appointment to go over all of the test results and discuss our options is scheduled for Monday, October 4th at 9:15 a.m. And I'm scared.

Scared mostly of the unknown. That our situation is worse than we thought. Or that the options he presents us will be out of the question - financially. I am usually pretty optimistic in life but in this area - not so much. This situation has caused me to expect the worst first. To ensure that I am prepared for anything. I was optimistic early on. We both were but every time the rug was pulled from under us, we were completely caught off guard. And I wasn't diligent enough about protecting my heart.

These days, I am extremely diligent. I don't daydream about having kids anymore. (I used to...a lot) I don't wander around the baby aisle in Target or keep my eyes open for the best safety rated car seat. I haven't looked at my rumpled list of baby names in years. And the basket of baby items that sat in our guest bedroom for years was donated to the Salvation Army. Sad, I know. But this is what I had to do. For the sake of my sanity and my soul. I had to move on and focus on other things that would fill my heart: My faith in God, my relationship with Leo, my family, friends and work.

I've done pretty well, I think. My life today, is actually very different than what I would have ever imagined for myself. If someone had asked my ten years ago what I thought I'd be doing right now, I never would have guessed this. But that's okay. I can't deny that I am happy - overall with my life. It's full. busy. And good. I am blessed with many good people in my life.

But all of the good doesn't take the fear away. Some days I pray to God - I beg him to make my situation definite - either way. Good or bad. Don't make me make the decision because I don't know what the right answer is. Other days, I secretly wish for a glimmer of hope to continue on and try again. But for how long? Both roads have their own set of sacrifices, pain and guilt. Because there is no definite solution. No promise of a definite positive outcome. It's all a leap of faith with God's assistance, of course.

Thank goodness for him. I'd be crazy by now, if it weren't for my faith in God. In his love and grace. Our relationship is not perfect. Sometimes I question him and I complain. But at the end of the day, I need him in my life. Like water and air. So, on Monday, before Leo and I meet with the Doctor, I will say a little prayer. One last plea for strength, peace and most importantly, guidance with what promises to be the single most important decision we will make together. The date has been set.

Please pray for us!
XoXo

Pray

photo by: Earl Baumgardner

I gravitate to easy going conversations and avoid confrontational or controversial conversations, especially political ones.

Mainly because in my experience, these types of conversations usually end up in heated debates. Both parties angry and frustrated. No obvious winner. No resolution. Just two very separate opinions. It's no wonder. No big mystery. That's because our opinions are shaped largely by our culture and belief system, our personal experiences and observations. I sometimes wonder why we never stop to consider this before entering a conversation with someone who has a completely different opinion.

I learned this lesson years ago when I attempted to participate in a conversation that was a sore subject for me and it ended with me making a complete fool of myself. (It was not a pretty sight) I felt so unbelievably frustrated. Frustrated that the other person wasn't willing to be open enough to see my side. My pain. My experience. It was a very valuable lesson. At least for me.

In a more recent experience, I went to a student debate on campus, where I work. It was a heated debate on rights for illegal immigrants. I made a sincere effort to listen to both sides. To stay open to each point made and every fact recited. Many were good. Insightful and hard to dismiss. But at the end of the day, my opinion on the matter didn't change. It remained once again, still a direct result of own life experiences and observations.

We all have strong opinions and I am no exception. But for the most part, I prefer to keep them to myself. If someone asks me, I have no issue with answering their questions but I don't welcome or choose to participate in heated debates. It's just not my thing. I'd rather we just agreed to disagree and move on to other subjects. I know that this may make me seem wishy-washy or even unamerican because I don't proclaim anything with vigor and passion. But in the grand scheme of things, I believe that all of the really big issues that we spend hours, days, months and even lifetimes arguing over will probably always exist.

However, I also believe that I can stand for something important without having to debate it. Lead by example and resist the temptation to judge others. Picket at the corner in support of someone I love. Speak out and speak up in places of importance to share a story and spread awareness. Walk in memory of someone and help others find peace of mind. Offer my assistance and use my own personal experiences as my compass through life. And most importantly, I can get down on my knees and pray. That's really the one thing we can do sometimes. It's difficult to let go, I know. Hard to keep faith but prayer sometimes, is the only way.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

The New Maggie Collection by benefit

Meet the New Maggie Collection by benefit

I recently bought this fun compact from benefit. Of course, like most girlie girls, I was first drawn to the sweet and colorful cover. This particular palette is called "Sunday Funday." I had never used a product from benefit before so I thought I'd take this little set home to try out and I LOVE it!

Apparently, when I wasn't looking cosmetic companies decided to get really creative with their packaging. You can't tell in this photo but the large mirror in the back can be moved so that it can stand on its own AND just at the right angle. (I get excited over the littlest things, I know!) The colors are great with just the right sheen and who can resist the clever names: "Light Champagne", "Shimmering Bronze" and "Pretty in Plumb."

The compact also includes a pretty rose colored cheek stain, a bronzer with a brush, an eye liner and even a lip gloss, also rose colored. And last but not least, it came with a a cool insert that has several lessons in the many ways to use the different colors (perfect for me since I am still a novice when it comes to in applying make-up properly)

The best part is, since everything you need is in one travel friendly compact, it's easy to throw it in your bag - rendering make-up bags completely unnecessary. Pretty smart and Fun. Economical too, with a price tag of $38.00. (About $4.75 per item)

P.S. The Cheese Ball I made for the par-tay last night was a hit! And to think, it took me less than 15 minutes to put it together! Here is the recipe. Enjoy!

Ready for Fall

I Heart Fall.
The brightly colored pumpkins and black cat figurines.
The smell of spiced pumpkin candles and fall wreaths hanging on the front door.
Hot spiced apple cider and the process of baking homemade pies.
The whole season just seems wrapped in warmth, comfort and fragrance.

To get ready for the fall season, I researched a few ideas for fall centerpieces a few nights ago and I happened upon a great blog called A Country Girl in the City. If you love finding old pieces of furniture and making them your own, your going to love her blog! In one particular post, pumpkin light, she gives instructions on how to turn regular old pumpkins into glowing candle holders - too cute!

I also found this great pumpkin pie bars recipe in another great blog called, Joy the Baker. (the actual blogger's name is Joy - adorable!) I think I'll try it out this Sunday. If I'm lucky, the weather will be much like today's - the perfect time to bake! Have you ever made a cheese ball? I tried a new recipe from AllRecipes.com this morning for a gathering at niece's house this evening. Cheese ball's are great because you only need a handful of ingredients and cooking and baking is never required. This particular recipe had only four ingredients - that definitely qualifies it as a keeper! (I'll let you know how it tastes in tomorrow's post!)

Looking to entertain the kiddies on a Saturday afternoon? Check out these adorably fun and easy to print coloring pages from Kaboose! I was also in the market for a brand new fall wreath. I have found several in the stores but they averaged in price from $60-$100. Yikes! I'm in luck though, because the blog, The Comforts of Home posted this how-to create your own fall wreath for about $18 using a few items from Michaels. Yippee!

Something about this season also gets me in the mood for savory appetizers, like stuffed mushroom caps and right out of the oven quiche. I found this recipe, Easy Mini Quiche that only has seven ingredients. And Renaissance Stuffed Mushroom Caps. Both are from AllRecipes.com.

Are you ready for fall? I'd love to hear all about your ideas, crafts and recipes!

Take Comfort in Rituals

I take comfort in the little things.

The rituals I have created for myself over the years. And the ones I grew up with. It's easy for me to get lost in a book. or sit by the window and watch the cars go by. I can work on a puzzle for hours and I look forward to my trip to Starbucks every morning.

The other day I found myself thinking about the memories I had growing up with a Mom who is a creative mind, first and foremost. She spent hours with us kids making clothes, costumes for Halloween, dolls, and fabric covered photo albums (remember those in the 80's?) I can remember sitting on the floor of the living room cutting out patterns for her, happy as can be.

My favorite ritual every year was right after Thanksgiving when Mom would pull out all of the Christmas decorations and us kids would get to decorate the house. Our way. I can remember unpacking each item carefully, putting the tissue paper back in the box and walking around the house to find the perfect spot. I enjoyed the process. Took comfort in it. It was our family tradition. A ritual that we all looked forward to. I still do. To this day in my own home.

I enjoy wrapping a gift to the best of my ability. I look forward to quiet moments at a local thrift store and the sound of the birds that can be heard from our kitchen when the windows are open. I try to make it a conscious effort to take inventory of the blessing in my life. (most of the time) It's a necessity. A lifesaver. And a motivator. When life is sometimes hard. It's important to stop once in awhile and focus on right now. To relish in the little things.

The things that we sometimes miss when we are running from here to there. The easy conversations. The books we can get lost in. Really good music. The smell of fresh baked banana bread. (my favorite) Hugs and kisses. Big smiles and laughter. When the day is done. The dishes are put away and the television is turned off. Take comfort in rituals.

Only Love

When I left home at age 18 I was determined to succeed. I didn't allow myself to sit for a minute. I wanted to prove to myself and to my family (honestly, mostly my Dad) that I could make it on my own.

At first, I thought, "this is it?," "this is easy." but as the months turned into years, I started to realize just how tough it really was. I still persisted. I didn't waiver. I kept moving forward. Inside, I was a scared little girl wanting to run back home but I was too proud and a bit stubborn. I relied heavily on keeping myself busy. Because lets face it, when your busy, it's very difficult to have self-doubt, to give up and throw in the towel.

I remember when I got my first apartment, I was so excited. I felt proud and accomplished. I bought my first bathroom shower curtain and matching toothbrush holder. I bought my first broom (I still have it to this day) and set of dishes. I settled in and made it a home but it didn't take long before the the initial excitement wore off; bills started rolling in and I had to figure out how to stretch my salary. The biggest wake-up call was realizing that I never really got to enjoy the apartment because I was always at work.

I managed to fit in a handful of parties but during that time in my life, work was the center of my world. I refused to make excuses. No exceptions or explanations. I was really hard on myself. I often wondered what I was put on earth to do and where was I meant to be - pretty heavy thoughts for an 18-year old. I made many mistakes - too many to count but I also soaked in every good and bad experience that came my way.

When I look back, I have tons of regrets and what if's. Difficult decisions I wished I didn't have to make. Circumstances that I wish had been different. But I can't go back and change the hands of time. It is what it is. And in the end, I suppose my circumstances and my choices then have made me who I am today. I'm still just as determined and stubborn and truth be told, these traits have served me well over the years.

Our family was not perfect. And when your just starting out, it's easy to think that you are the only one going through "stuff" but that just isn't true. Every family has their struggles and painful experiences. That's real life, I guess. But in our family, there were lots of good memories too. Memories of Dad making jokes and cooking in the kitchen. Mom putting her creative touches on everything she did, especially for the holidays. Fun family traditions and lots of love displayed through hugs, kisses and "I love you's" and I am grateful for it all. Today and always.

I love you, Mom & Dad!
XoXo

Note: I am attaching an image to this post that means a great deal to me. It is a message that my Dad wrote in a card that my parents gave to me for my very first promotion at work.

P.S. I had a lot of help along the way. I know this is not the best way to say thank you, but it is easier for me. Trust me, you don't want the obvious to happen - tear fest! Please forgive me as I thank you, in this very odd manner:

To my older sister for giving me shelter and for your unconditional love and support, to my younger sister - for your unwavering courage and encouragement every step of the way. To both of you for never judging me or questioning my decisions. And for being the few people in my life who really "get me." I love you both more than words could ever express. Teri and Eugene Matlock and Octavio and Isabel Rodriguez - for not only giving me shelter, but for making me feel like part of your family. Sue Newhouse - For your positive attitude and willingness to try anything once. You are my hero! Paula Brown, my boss at Sportmart - for always giving it to me straight. My friends and co-workers (past & present): God has blessed me with some pretty amazing friends. Thank you for being there when I needed you, for sticking by me through thick and thin and for all of the great memories thus far.

Joy Found Here

Joy found here.
In Murfresboro, Arkansas.
Population: 1,700.

My Mom, my Uncle Roy and I spent a week in Murfresboro, Arkansas this summer visiting my Grandma, Marie Farmer, my Aunt Gladys and her husband, Morris. We arrived in Arkansas on my Grandma's 85th birthday so we stopped at a store to pick up a small cake and ice cream: chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and rocky road ice cream - Grandma's favorite. Unfortunately, we didn't consider how much further down the highway my Aunt lived so Mom had to hold the ice cream in front the air conditioning vent the whole way there. Let's just say the ice cream barely made it.

When we finally arrived to our destination and Aunt Gladys led us into the kitchen where Grandma was sitting at the table, I saw her face light up. She was so happy to see us. I relished in that moment of pure happiness. It was easy to see that she was joyful because she is after all, first and foremost, a Mom and she had three out of her four kids there with her, to celebrate her birthday. We all hovered around her and sang "happy birthday" as she smiled brightly in her chair, her hands crossed in her lap. This was definitely a moment I will never ever forget. Then we ate lots of cake and ice cream and Grandma announced over and over "this was the best cake I've ever tasted."

The rest of the week was nice. easy. calm. In Murfresboro, there isn't much to do but I welcomed the peace and quiet for that short week. We spent lots of time at the kitchen table playing cards. Out of all the games we played, and we played many, I won one game. Grandma won the most games by far, even at the age of 85, she is quite the card player.

It was while we played cards that I got to really know my Grandma. Like for instance, she is quite spunky. And funny too. I had never seen this side of her but I'm so glad I did. She talked a great deal about her childhood. Her mom's cooking and her siblings. For the first time in my life, I saw her really enjoy food. (Growing up, she always ate like a bird. A few bites and she was done)

Mid-week we all drove into Arkadelphia to a Super WalMart. It was about a 45-minute drive one way. On the way there, we drove through several towns, some with less than a population of 500. Hard to imagine. You literally blink and your half way into the next town. The tree lined highway was a beautiful sight to see. Peaceful and serene. The main reason for our trip was to check out the puzzles. I know, sounds strange but I come from long line of women who love to put puzzles together. I just couldn't resist so I bought two.

On most nights, when it was time to leave Aunt Gladys house, Uncle Roy, Mom and I would go to dinner. There are only four restaurants in town so it wasn't too difficult to make a decision. It was nice spending time with my Uncle Roy because well, I can't ever remember spending this much time with him before this trip. After dinner, we'd head back to the motel. We'd say goodnight to Uncle Roy and then Mom and I would get into our pajamas and watch television for a few hours before going to bed.

We tried to pack in lots of activity for Grandma throughout the week. We pampered her by taking her to get a pedicure and manicure. She fell asleep mid-way through but when she was all done, I'd catch her checking out her pretty toe nails and perfectly manicured fingernails. On Friday, after dropping Uncle Roy off at the airport we stopped at a shopping center and bought her a few things, like a tube of lipstick and a compact. When we arrived with all of our loot, she was so excited. She immediately reached for the lipstick and compact and proceeded to apply it perfectly - even at the sprightly age of 85.

On our last night, Mom and I took her to dinner at the local mexican restaurant. She had her favorite, a taco salad. We talked and laughed and tried to hold on to every moment. This was going to be the hard part. We all knew, but didn't say a word about it. She insisted on walking in and out of the restaurant without her walker. She also insisted on paying for the bill. What else can I say about my Grandma? She is nothing less than amazing. She is strong and witty. Caring and funny.

Later that night, when it was time to say our goodbye's, it was very difficult for Mom and I to leave but she was the one who kept reassuring us. Through her tears, she told us over and over "It's okay. I'm going to be okay." When I thought about it later that night I wondered how hard it must of been for her to put her own feelings aside to reassure us. We were the ones who were leaving her. Not the other way around.

Despite her aches and pains, her loneliness and ailments, my Grandma still manages to be spunky, funny and joyful. At the age of 85, she is full of life and teaching me lessons without even knowing it. It was a great trip. A memorable trip filled with pure joy.

A Girl Can Dream

I blog about needing more time a lot. Have you noticed? This is one hurdle I still, at the age of 37, haven't figured out. Sometimes it seems as though I am on a teeter totter. Just when I think I have everything finally figured out I take a step back and realize that I am actually neglecting several areas of my life. And if I let it, I feel like a failure.

I try to balance my life with Leo, family, friends, work, volunteering and my obligations and responsibilities at home. These days it just seems like an impossible task. Most of it is that I work long hours, sometimes out of necessity but also because for the first time since my very first job at the age of 15, I LOVE what I do. I finally feel as though I found my niche. With so many other jobs I felt out of my element and out of place. So now that I'm finally here, it's difficult for me to sometimes reign myself in.

The other part is that I have a hard time saying No. I am pretty sure you already know that about me. If I could, I would continue saying yes to everything that comes my way but when I am really honest with myself, that just isn't possible. And if it is possible, the reality is that other areas of my life would suffer. And 9 out of 10 times, its time spent with Leo and my family.

So, I have to buckle down, think clearly and prioritize. And most importantly, learn how to say No more often. And the real hurdle for me? - saying no without feeling guilty. I do know that this issue is not just mine. We all struggle with it on a daily basis. And please don't misunderstand, I am not complaining. I wouldn't change or trade my life for anything.

This post is really just my way of figuring out how to make it all work. To find a solution or a compromise. I do know one thing: for the most part, because I have such loving family and friends, they never make me feel guilty. I have family and friends who even after months of zero communication, when we do see each other or talk on the phone, it feels as if there was no time spent apart.

If it were a perfect world, I would spend UNLIMITED amounts of time with Leo, my family, my friends and work. Plus, I'd also still have time to volunteer, blog and scrapbook. Ok, I know - I need to move over to reality but a girl can still dream!

A Conversation

Sometimes it just takes a conversation with another invested and caring soul to get you motivated. Confession: I haven't blogged in months. Why? I suppose I let life lead the way instead of the other way around. Busy at work. Busy on the weekends. I didn't allow myself time to stop, really settle in and write. But more so than that, I was avoiding it.

In my last post I wrote all about the healthy changes I was making in my life; Cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and my ever growing refrigerator. but weeks later, all it took was one bad choice, led by more bad choices and I am back where I started. Back on coffee. Back to eating out more than I should and back to feeling horrible, inside and out.

I was also writing about going to see a specialist at Loma Linda. It wasn't long before the frustration set in. Frustration from the too many to count phone calls to my current doctor and my new doctor to ensure that copies of my records had been sent over. More tests. Followed by more phone calls. So - I avoided my little corner in this great big world of blogging. Like the plague, I pretended like it didn't matter. But it did.

We all have situations that we allow to eat at us - quite literally. Instead of dealing with them head-on, we ignore them and we eat whatever our little heart desires. Sometimes reward ourselves for simply moving forward, not in a healthy manner but in a physical manner. "I went to work today, despite everything I am dealing with." But really, where does that get you? Are you really moving forward?

Today I spent one hour in a Starbucks with a blogger that I follow, Sarah Markley. If you ever have a chance to read her blog, I highly recommend it. I walked away from our meeting feeling inspired and motivated to keep going. To write it all down and to challenge myself. One of her suggestions was to write at least 300 words a day, every day. That may not sound like a great deal of words but every single day? That is definitely a challenge but I think that is just what I need. A definite number. A daily goal. To keep me grounded and living in the moment. To get back on track with regards to living healthier. And to help me stay on top of my game with regards to dealing with this new doctor.

A conversation, a nudge - that's all it took.
Thank you, Sarah!