Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

The Transition

Leo and I had a heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago about Jacob and our "co-sleeping" situation and we both agreed that it was time for us to transition him into his crib. {gulp}

One of several reasons, Jacob is a crazy sleeper - he moves constantly throughout the night and he ends up in the strangest positions. On some mornings, we'd find him sleeping lengthwise between the both of us. He also kicks. As a result, I wasn't getting much sleep because I am and have always been a light sleeper. It was also pretty evident to both of us that he wasn't getting the sleep he needed either. And to be quite honest, I sensed that he needed his own space to stretch out in.

So we settled on a Friday to try it out - last Friday to be exact. I followed our normal bedtime routine, which is: bath, book, then bottle. Typically, I give him his bottle in our room, me sitting up in bed, him on my lap, rocking him from side to side. (Next on the list of things to eliminate) Instead, I opted for the rocking chair in his room. He was asleep within just a few minutes - a little after 8pm.

I carefully set him down on his side, binky in his mouth (The third item on my list) and turned on the monitor and a noise machine that makes heartbeat noises and then I quietly left the room. I immediately turned on the monitor screen in our room to wait and watch to see if there was any stirring caused by my opening and closing his door, but there was no movement.

Not even a peep.

I must have stared at the monitor every few minutes for a full hour. I kept trying not to think about the things that inevitably would find their way back into my thoughts, like what if he wakes up and I don't hear him?, or what if his leg gets caught?, or the the room is too hot or cold - I finally turned on a relaxing spa-like CD. (my go-to on sleepless nights) And then magically, I fell asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I immediately rolled over to check on him but all I could see was an empty crib. Of course, I jumped up and headed for his room but as soon as I opened our bedroom door, Leo called out from downstairs to tell me that he had just checked on him - apparently, Jacob had found the only corner in his crib that the camera couldn't capture. But guess what? He didn't wake up until 7am on that fine Saturday morning and when I went in to get him, he was all smiles.

Today marks day six days since we started the transition and overall, it's still gone really well. And I have to say, it has been SO nice to have my evenings back. I now have time to wash my face and brush my teeth in a normal person pace, I can lay on the couch and watch a recorded television sitcom. (I watch very little television these days...I suppose that's a good thing) I'm able to pick up a little around the house and I've even started packing our lunches for the following work day.

This whole process has also shown me that changes like this one can sometimes be harder on us as parents, than they are for the child. In this instance, the first two nights, for me, were by far the hardest. I missed him being in our bed - the closeness we shared and knowing that he was safe because he was right there with us. But you know what? I don't regret our decision to co-sleep with Jacob until now. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think the key is to do what feels right for you and your child, without any guilt. I am positive that I could find several articles promoting both sides of the co-sleeping/non-co-sleeping argument but let's face it, nothing is cut and dry when it comes to raising a human being. And what works for one child, may not work for another.

With this big transition under my belt, I am definitely feeling more confident as a Mom and it makes me feel as though I will definitely be able to tackle the other items needing to be eliminated (eventually), like the rocking, the bottle and yes, even the binky. {gasp!}

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A New Season

I did it. I did something brave.

I took a step back and I am trying on a new hat, so to speak.

And I didn't do it for myself or for Leo. This life changing decision was solely based on Jacob because he is without a doubt, my driving force these days.

I changed jobs.

I am no longer the Manager of Alumni Relations. As of last Monday, I am the new Biographical Data Specialist, which is really just a fancy title for someone who manages data. I know, it's a very different hat - if anyone can see and feel a difference, it's me but so far I'm managing the transition quite well.

I know some of you may be wondering why I'd make such a change, especially since I was in a job that I really thoroughly enjoyed. All I can say is, I'm following my heart.

When I returned from maternity leave in January, I was determined to make it work. I strategized and organized and I was very lucky to find an amazing day care provider less than five miles from campus and for the first few weeks and even into March, I really thought I'd figured it all out but little by little, things started to fall by the wayside.

It wasn't long after when the guilt began to creep in. I'd come home late and Jacob would be sound asleep. I'd see him for a couple hours in the morning before going into work but I was also gone a lot during the weekends and it never seemed like there were enough hours in the day.

These were all new feelings for me and I didn't predict them to happen to me because like I said, I was determined to make it work. I've always been a "go-getter," "go big or go home" kind of a girl but in the grand scheme of things, when I really thought about where I wanted to be first and foremost, it was at home with Jacob.

This new job is a blessing because it affords me just that. It gives me the opportunity to put in a good day's work in a department that is filled with people who know me well and who have supported me and encouraged me every step of the way.

It's funny - recently, I took a survey that would identify my top five strengths and initially, I was really surprised to find out that "Achiever" wasn't one of them. But after thinking about it, I realized that it makes perfect sense because climbing the ladder has never really been my goal - rather I've always been drawn to anything that involves me and others feeling connected.

Whether it's an event, a party, a fundraiser, a conversation and maybe yes - even a data project. Talking things out and learning from others - strategizing, creating and executing a plan of action and then seeing the final product. All of these things make me feel accomplished. fulfilled. successful.

I suppose If I'm being honest, I do think about the people I may be disappointing at times because I am one who genuinely cares about how I'm perceived. But I guess I my hope is that in this new role, I will be able to showcase some new talents. Many of which I may not even be aware of.

In the meantime, I am just feeling really blessed that I have this amazing opportuity - a new beginning and new season to really enjoy being a Mom. Thank you, God. I'd also like to thank all of you, my blogging community for sticking by me, even through my long absences. I have definitely missed you!

Enjoy the evening!
Missy

Party of Three

I'm excited.

For the first time in years I am SO very excited about Summer. I know this is going to sound strange but I've never really looked forward to it, unless there was a trip planned or a special event to attend. Mainly because Summer to me has always meant lots of opportunities to spend time with your kids so for years I've participated in things but always with the angst of not having any kids of our own. 

The barbeques - playing outside - going to the park - running through the sprinklers - eating watermelon without a care in the world - bonfires at the beach - day trips to the zoo, the museum, a festival or the fair. Granted, Jacob isn't nearly old enough for most of these places and experiences but I don't care. Just the fact that we will have him there to hold, watch and observe the going's on this Summer - together - that is more than enough for me.

And for the future, my head is literally spinning from all of the things I want him to experience, see, feel and touch. My Pinterest board that is almost too obviously titled, "Our Family Bucket List" is literally busting with ideas of places, day trips, activities and games to enjoy as a family. Eventually, some day I know he will begin to get tired of "family time" and opt to hang out with his friends, but until then let's just say I'm planning on taking full advantage of the time Leo and I have with him now.

Kaboose Summer Fun Guide
Summer 2012 - Kid's Summer Ideas
Things to Do with Kids in Southern California
Things to Do in Southern California for Kids
Day Trippen
15 Places Your Kids Should See Before15
75 Things to Do with Kids
60 Summer Activities
100 Free Things to Do with Your Kids This Summer
DIY Outdoor Movie Night
500 Places to Take Your Kids Before They Grow Up

I am seriously giddy.

We are a party of three and our memory making years are starting now. (heart swelling)

Enjoy the day!

Missy

Pardon Me

Pardon me - it's just me, the author of this blog. So sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. My life you see has become much bigger than just My Life & Everything in Between. The more accurate title would now be My Life with Leo, Jacob and a Full-Time Job...and Everything in Between.

Not that I'm complaining - I wouldn't trade my current life for a million dollars, no thank you. It's just that life today is SO very different than I could have ever imagined. I live, sleep, breathe and eat being Jacob's Mom and I've learned a great deal over the past 8 months. That's right, Jacob is a little over 8 months old now. I still can't believe it myself - even typing it out doesn't seem to make it any more believable.

The biggest lesson for me by far has been realizing that it's easy to be the very best Mom when everything is going right but when things are going wrong - now that's a whole other story. For instance, when Jacob gets sick, I can sometimes "freak out." Granted, for the most part, they are internal "freak outs" but even still, I know I need to be more cool, calm and collected. Let's just say that this not-so-little task has definitely been added to my list of things to work on. Just don't ask me about it when things are going wrong :)

There have been other things, too that I've learned:

1. You can only be the best Mom YOU can be 
2. Having several spare outfits is very, very important
3. You can NEVER have too many wipes in the diaper bag
4. When in doubt, follow your heart
5. Expect to make mistakes
6. There will be lots of tears and I'm not referring to the baby
7. Sleeping is a luxury, not a necessity 
8. Feeling guilt when you are a working Mom is a given - focus on the positives
9. The best daycare provider doesn't have to be the most expensive
10. They LOVE nothing more than to laugh and play - forget the expensive toys

Thank you for keeping me on your reading list - I promise I will do my best to post more.What would I do without you, I'm not quite sure. I am constantly thinking of those of you who are TTC and those of you who are carrying - I am praying for a healthy, easy and safe pregnancy.

Miracles happen every day!
Jacob is definitely proof of that! 

Missy

Even Miracles Take A Little Time

My miracle took 9 years. And even now, It's almost impossible for me to forget. And maybe I don't want to as crazy as that may sound.

Being labeled "infertile" was all I knew until just a little over a year ago. Until then, I woke up nearly every day wondering when I would become a Mom. Naturally, there were moments in between when I would throw my hands in the air and vow to move on but it just wasn't possible because usually within a day or two I was back to praying - wishing - hoping for a miracle.

How could I ever let go of this dream?

It wasn't as if I was wishing to be rich or famous. I wasn't dreaming of going to Europe or fancying an expensive sports car with all the bells and whistles. I didn't yearn to be a Pulitzer Prize winner or even a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. My dream was simple and very natural because of the obvious - with my being a woman and all. And never in a million years could I have ever guessed that I would one day face two miscarriages, a failed artficial insemination and a infertility diagnosis but I am so glad that I didn't give up. I have always tried to look at the bright side of things so when I think of the past 9 years, this is what I focus on:

1. My husband and I got to travel
2. I was able to figure out what I was meant to do in life
3. I never would have had the chance to connect with you!
4. I may not have started writing again

Today, I am a Mom and I couldn't be happier with that fact. And my heart will never forget the past 9 years but I am more than okay with that because it wasn't all bad. In fact, there were some pretty wonderful memories in there too. And I wholeheartedly believe that I am a better person and a better Mom today as a result.

I made many mistakes along the way and I endured more than I ever thought was possible but I also persevered and I learned so much about inner strength and the power of human connection - even when the connections are solely made through blog posts, emails and Facebook comments. (I could never really thank you all enough!)

Today and always, I truly hope that I can still be here for those of you who are still praying, wishing and hoping for a miracle. I say this often but I could never really say it enough - never lose hope!

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Visit Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope at: http://facesofloss.com/

He's Sick and I'm a Mess

That's right my little boy is sick again with what appears to be yet another cold - poor baby.

I was at work this evening when Leo called me to find out where the fever medicine was when I immediately remembered that I had left it at the babysitter's the last time he was feverish so I quickly grabbed my purse and went straight to Target's pharmacy. Of course there were way too many options on the shelf so I went to the pharmacy counter next where several people were already waiting in line. I couldn't wait a minute longer so I began to repeatedly say, "excuse me" to the pharmacists until one of them finally looked up.

"Is there someone who can help me figure out what kind of fever reducer to buy?" The lady with a pair of purple rimmed spectacles seemed to look down her nose at me until I told her Jake's age and she immediately agreed to look at the many options I had been holding in my hands. She even offered to look up the proper dosage amount for his weight and thankfully nobody in line seemed to be upset - probably because they could read, "new mom" all over my frazzled forehead. after I purchased the medicine I raced home only to find a smiling baby - at least for awhile.

He's in bed now fast asleep but he's definitely feverish and he sounded pretty congested until I slathered on the Vick's vapor rub, just like my own Mom did when I was little. I keep checking his temperature and thankfully, it's just a low-grade fever but something tells me that I won't be getting much sleep tonight. All in all though, I think I handled my first "Jake's got a fever" phone call at work really well. Exhibit A: I didn't panic and Exhibit B: I didn't shed a tear because let's face it, we all know that I am generally fully capable of this kind of reaction or rather, over-reaction.

I just sprung into action - sure I may have ran through the Target parking lot and proceeded to continue running once inside the store but I did it in a orderly fashion - being careful not to run into anyone or anything for that matter. I also managed to keep my wits about me as well as my manners by saying "excuse me" instead of "hey you!" and most importantly I got home in one piece without incident (Thank you, God)

Enjoy your evening!
Missy