My Way

I've been feeling a bit off lately. It's probably a combination of my never-can-tell hormones and the looming questions in my head about whether we should continue trying to have a baby. (I know...I'm there...again)

I've been over this a million times.  
 
The realization hit me recently that if we did get pregnant next year and I'm able to carry the baby to full term when he/she turns 20, I would be 58 years old and Leo 60. And if our son or daughter has a child at let's say 20 years old, I would be (gulp!) 78 and Leo 80. I don't like these numbers. I don't like them one bit. They make it difficult not to feel as though our "window of opportunity" has passed us by and it feels as though it happened in a blink of an eye.

Well intentioned family and friends are always telling me that I need to keep fighting, to stay positive and just do everything the doctor tells me to do. Or my favorite, "As soon as you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen." (If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that one!) Instead of a hefty helping of positivity and advice, I just wish they would say, "I am so sorry that this is happening to you" or, "How are you coping with all of this?" so that maybe I could talk all it out with someone other than myself. Because...

I hate feeling like I'm giving up
I'm battling myself even now, as I type
More than anything, I want to feel whole again
And I feel the need to protect myself from more loss and disappointment. 

I wish they knew (without actually having to go through this) just how difficult it is to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have no control over the outcome. Especially when the outcome means more possible loss. I'm feeling physically and emotionally tired of wishing and waiting, hoping and praying. And I'm especially exhausted from being on this crazy roller coaster of emotions where one moment I'm feeling as though I could fight this fight for another 10 years and other days, like this one, where I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat.

And it's easy to feel broken

Every day I have to FIGHT to stay positive. I have to CHOOSE to live my life instead of wallow in my grief. If my plan is working, I'm making it look easy. Some days it IS very easy to stay positive and to live my life the best way I know how but other days, I find myself hiding behind a smile or avoiding a conversation in fear that I may "lose it" or worse, risk making someone feel uncomfortable. But that's what I have to do for my sanity because the alternative scares me even more.

Depression

Depression is a word I don't like to think about or consider. I avoid it at all cost. I refuse to let it win or take over, even for a short while. There are many aspects, about this situation, that I have no control over so I most definitely try to control every other part of my life. It makes me feel, better and well, in control. So, even now with the lingering questions still swimming around in my head, I am already secretly allowing myself to control other things that may not make any sense at all.

Like, what I will eat for breakfast in the morning and how the kitchen table will be set for New Year's Eve. It's all trivial, I know but it's my way. As crazy as that may sound.

It's just my way