Me at 38 weeks and 3 days

Confession: I've been feeling really nervous, anxious and maybe a tad bit overwhelmed over the past two days. Last night I nearly had a panic attack while I was laying in bed because all of the things I hadn't finished yet  kept swirling around in my head. Finally, after thirty minutes, I resorted to surfing the web for over an hour before trying to go back to bed.

I've also been keeping myself really busy lately. Since my last day at work, we've had the entire house recarpeted and the grout in our tile floors steam cleaned and sealed, which naturally resulted in a great deal of furniture moving and rearranging, stuff purging and deep cleaning. Plus, in between, I've made several trips to Target and Babies r Us because as soon as I get home, I remember a host of additional items that I was supposed to pick-up.

I've also had a couple of melt-downs, the most recent occurrence was at a Target customer service counter. Long story short - I was frustrated, tired and beyond consoling. As soon as I walked out on to the sales floor and I got Leo on the phone, I was in tears. Now it seems very silly, of course, but in the moment, I just needed to let it out. I'm sure everyone around me thought I was crazy but then again, maybe the protruding belly was a good enough explanation. (I hope.)

I guess the anxiety comes from me being worried that I'm going to screw this up - being a new Mom. My high expectations coupled with the years and years of dreaming about this chapter in my life makes me doubt whether or not I can be the kind of Mom I have always envisioned I could be. Tons of questions keep popping up like, will I be able to stop and smell the roses when he is finally here or will I continue to keep myself so busy with the tiny, insignifigant things.

We all know that I tend to obsess over the little things and I can't explain why - even now, at age 38. I do however (thankfully) have moments, sometimes even long stretches of time when I am able to check myself and really enjoy life but often times I get sucked back in to the details again. Leo was the one who brought me back to reality today. He told me that I needed to relax - that even if Jacob came today, the items on my check-off list wouldn't matter. They would be insignificant. He couldn't be more right.

Even now as I take the time to process and reflect on all of this, I guess I tend to obsess about the little things when I'm feeling nervous and anxious and most especially when I am dealing with change. With less than two weeks left in my pregnancy, I suppose it is safe to say that I'm feeling nervous and anxious over what's in store for us and especially for me, as Jacob's primary caretaker. I'm really hoping that my maternal instincts kick-in but also I'm counting on Jacob to teach me a few things, too.

I also need to cut myself some slack and focus my attention on the things that do matter, like feeling Jacob kick away in my tummy and the little time Leo and I both have together as a couple before our life completely changes. And to enjoy the quietness of the house with Leo asleep upstairs and the cats curled up at my feet. Thank goodness for moments of clarity and for this outlet - my blog - a place where I can vent freely, process and just be me at 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant.