Photo by: True Emotions Photography
The first two weeks were filled with lots and lots of firsts.
The first diaper change, the first bath, the first smile (most likely caused by gas) and the first of many photos. But the one thing that surprised me the most was how overwhelming it felt at times. No doubt, my hormones were a mess and I'm sure lack of sleep played a part as well but nothing could have prepared me for the vast array of feelings and never-ending questions I'd have those first two weeks.
My Mom helped a great deal by answering my random but still very important (to me) questions but my feelings on the other hand were sometimes difficult to address. I just felt terribly overwhelmed, inadaquate, scared and unsure of my ability to care for this little baby boy. In hind-sight, I did a pretty darn good job figuring out when he was hungry or needing a diaper change right from the start but at the time, I second guessed myself a lot, even despite Jacob's apparent contentment.
I also cried at the drop of a hat, no matter what time of day or night and once I got started, I found it was very difficult to stop. And each time, I'd feel SO terribly guilty because I kept thinking, "I should be the happiest Mom on the planet right now - why am I crying?" This question would undoubtedly make me cry even more.
I cried when my Mom had to go back to Utah and when Leo had to go back to work. And most especially when I ran into breastfeeding issues. (The kind volunteer at the Healthy Beginnings Clinic had to console me for 15-minutes after she asked the very simple question, "How was your weekend?")
Thankfully, in between the tears, I have also had many, many moments of pure happiness. Like that first night when I spent hours just staring at him from my bed side. The first time Leo held him and the pride I felt just watching them in the moment. The adorable way he sighs when he's eating, as if it's the best meal he's ever had and the first time I caught a glimpse of a smile on his adorable little face. The first time he clutched my finger tightly, his tiny little fingers curled ever so carefully and the very first time he feel asleep in my arms.
Truth be told, being a new Mom is scary. Probably because I don't have any past experiences to fall back on and and it's easy to fear the unknown because we waited so long for him. I can't imagine enduring a serious illness or even worse, losing him. So I just pray to God that he stays healthy and happy and in time, I am sure my confidence in taking caring of him will improve. Sleep is still difficult these days but thankfully, as we round out the middle of our third week together, I am finally starting to feel like myself again - happy and optimistic.
Nothing can really prepare you for the host of emotions you feel when giving birth to your first-born. I thought I had done my due dilligence. Boy, was I wrong. But even still, it is all worth it to have this little bundle of joy to swaddle, bathe, dote on and love unconditionally. He truly IS my heart and I thank God every day for his presence in our ever-changing life.
I suppose the tears were inevitable but they always eventually dry up and are soon replaced with feelings of pure love and joy for my little boy who has made me a humble, joyful mess.
A joyful mess = I'll take it...and own it!
Enjoy the Day!
Missy
The first two weeks were filled with lots and lots of firsts.
The first diaper change, the first bath, the first smile (most likely caused by gas) and the first of many photos. But the one thing that surprised me the most was how overwhelming it felt at times. No doubt, my hormones were a mess and I'm sure lack of sleep played a part as well but nothing could have prepared me for the vast array of feelings and never-ending questions I'd have those first two weeks.
My Mom helped a great deal by answering my random but still very important (to me) questions but my feelings on the other hand were sometimes difficult to address. I just felt terribly overwhelmed, inadaquate, scared and unsure of my ability to care for this little baby boy. In hind-sight, I did a pretty darn good job figuring out when he was hungry or needing a diaper change right from the start but at the time, I second guessed myself a lot, even despite Jacob's apparent contentment.
I also cried at the drop of a hat, no matter what time of day or night and once I got started, I found it was very difficult to stop. And each time, I'd feel SO terribly guilty because I kept thinking, "I should be the happiest Mom on the planet right now - why am I crying?" This question would undoubtedly make me cry even more.
I cried when my Mom had to go back to Utah and when Leo had to go back to work. And most especially when I ran into breastfeeding issues. (The kind volunteer at the Healthy Beginnings Clinic had to console me for 15-minutes after she asked the very simple question, "How was your weekend?")
Thankfully, in between the tears, I have also had many, many moments of pure happiness. Like that first night when I spent hours just staring at him from my bed side. The first time Leo held him and the pride I felt just watching them in the moment. The adorable way he sighs when he's eating, as if it's the best meal he's ever had and the first time I caught a glimpse of a smile on his adorable little face. The first time he clutched my finger tightly, his tiny little fingers curled ever so carefully and the very first time he feel asleep in my arms.
Truth be told, being a new Mom is scary. Probably because I don't have any past experiences to fall back on and and it's easy to fear the unknown because we waited so long for him. I can't imagine enduring a serious illness or even worse, losing him. So I just pray to God that he stays healthy and happy and in time, I am sure my confidence in taking caring of him will improve. Sleep is still difficult these days but thankfully, as we round out the middle of our third week together, I am finally starting to feel like myself again - happy and optimistic.
Nothing can really prepare you for the host of emotions you feel when giving birth to your first-born. I thought I had done my due dilligence. Boy, was I wrong. But even still, it is all worth it to have this little bundle of joy to swaddle, bathe, dote on and love unconditionally. He truly IS my heart and I thank God every day for his presence in our ever-changing life.
I suppose the tears were inevitable but they always eventually dry up and are soon replaced with feelings of pure love and joy for my little boy who has made me a humble, joyful mess.
A joyful mess = I'll take it...and own it!
Enjoy the Day!
Missy
1 comment:
Oh the gas smiles are the best - I longed for those! I am certain you are doing a fantastic job and the crying will eventually stop. It lingers a little but it will get better.
The inadequate feeling is something I still struggle with. I think that is just a Mom thing, we all want to be our best so I think that feeling will always stick around. And girl, it doesn't matter if you are new or many kids in - it's scary. That fear is what drives us to be great!
He is adorable, I love that picture so much!
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