Holding On

For weeks now, I've had an old pair of Jake's shoes sitting on my bathroom counter. His second pair of Converse tennis shoes. Black with Velcro straps. They don't fit him anymore. Every weekend I glance over at them and wonder if this is the day that I will be ready to let go of them and the answer is always the same.

Not yet. 

I also have an extra-large bin of onesies, pajamas, socks, bibs, mittens and other baby things that is overflowing and if I am really being honest (gulp), I have more piled up in our guest bathroom...in the shower.

Thank goodness for shower curtains.

The shoes are not in the best shape so I wouldn't feel comfortable donating them or giving them to a friend but everything else is in great condition - some barely used even. These things could really help someone in need but I am having a really difficult time with letting them go.

I could state the obvious and say that it's because they belonged to my first born - our miracle baby boy. But it's more than that. So much more. Even though I would like to be able to say that I am perfectly happy with Jacob, part of me is secretly hoping that we will be blessed with one more. 

The other day I came across an article about a well-known actress who tried IVF thirteen times over a decade. She eventually got her happy ending by adopting a little girl in Foster Care - bless her heart. I also know many bloggers turned friends who have gone through similar trials and tribulations and they are still waiting patiently for their happy endings.

Knowing that there are women out there who are suffering through infertility makes me feel as though I am being ungrateful and selfish. How could I possibly ask for more? But then I have to remind myself that it IS perfectly normal for me to want a second child. Of course, I am cautiously optimistic and although Leo would never say it out loud, I can sense that he is too. It comes with the territory, I guess.

The subject of adoption through the Foster Care system has definitely come up but we haven't made any definite decisions. Right now we are just enjoying this season in our lives and soaking up every single moment we have with Jacob.

I just pray that whatever is meant to be will be. Until then, I am allowing myself to hold on to his things - even his old converse tennis shoes that are sitting on my bathroom counter because well, I'm just not ready to let go. Not yet anyway.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy