A Whim, a True Story and a Favor

On a whim, I decided to check my blogger account tonight to catch up on some reading before going to bed. As I scanned the recently published posts via my dashboard, I noticed one that I hadn't yet read from one of my favorite bloggers turned friends, Miss Conception.

The post was titled, "20 Weeks: All Gone" and my heart immediately dropped into my stomach. Miss C and her husband underwent IVF a few months ago and were pregnant with twins. The post was short but in it she lovingly announced the passing of their son and daughter on October 12th. Of course the tears are back and even as I sit here typing away, my heart aches for them - for the pain they must be enduring right now and for the heartache they will undoubtedly experience over the next few weeks, months and even years.

More than anything though, I am feeling SO much frustration and anger. And not at God, for some strange reason. Yes, it is extremely difficult to understand his plan for this amazing couple and the questions that are bound to naturally linger on everyone's mind is, "Why did this happen?" and "For what purpose?"

It's difficult to find purpose in something so tragic and painful. But more so, I'm angry because there are SO many people out there that have no idea what it feels like to have to struggle and go through gutt-wrenching situations like this one in order to one day have a family.

People who joke outwardly about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, people who accidentally get pregnant and then complain about the consequences they face and people who choose to abuse, neglect and abandon their children. Then I think about the countless children in foster care and group homes who just want be loved and taken care of and I wish to God that things were different.

We as women need to come to the realization that pregnancy is not a given or even a birth right. It may feel that way to most but I guarantee that if you spent some time reading a few blogs written by women who have been trying for years to get pregnant, suffering through not one, two or even three miscarriages but five, six or more, you'd have a completely different perspective.

Before I met these women, I felt lost and alone. Isolated from most of my loved ones and friends and not because they didn't care but because they didn't fully understand. And not because they didn't want to understand but because they hadn't experienced what I had. I thank God that these women made the decision to share their story. Because of them, I was finally able to find my footing and gain the strength I needed to continue hoping. I also felt better because I had the support of others who had gone through the exact thing I had.

Their stories were mine and my story was theirs.

I'd like to thank them for giving me the strength to get here:

Cherish This Baby
Infertility Overachievers
My Strand of Pearls
Fearfully. Wonderfully.
Hannah Wept - Sarah Laughed.

Lastly, I'd like to ask a favor - please say a prayer for my friend, Miss C and her husband and also for the countless women who are struggling to not only get pregnant but to keep their pregnancy and remember: pregnancy isn't a birth right - It's a miracle. Cherish your children - hug and kiss them every chance you get and never miss an opportunity to spend quality time with them. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate what they bring into your life: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I love you Miss C and will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this very difficult time. I am here if you need anything - anything at all.

Love,
Missy

Me at 39 Weeks & 6 Days: Joyful

I'm 39 weeks and 6 days as of today and so far, I haven't had any pre-labor signs. At my doctor's appointment this past Monday, the doctor evaluated me to determine whether or not inducing me would be appropriate at this point. Without going into details, let's just say that the answer was no. So! I've been keeping myself busy with little projects around the house and I've been spending far too much time on pinterest - my newest fave website.

(check out my "pins" here)

For the usual reasons, I haven't been sleeping well at night but overall, I am feeling really good, especially throughout the day. No unusal food cravings to speak of and my weight has been in check this whole time, which I am very happy about. (I've only gained 21 pounds) The only other thing I've been trying to grapple with is the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be on. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm grabbing the box of tissues. I am sure it's normal at this stage - plus there are just so many emotions going on inside this complicated brain of mine.

The good news is, Jacob is almost here. I keep telling myself that over and over. The wait is nearly over - thank you, God. No more wishing, hoping and praying. He is on his way to me. That fact makes everything else seem so small and insignifigant. The past few days have been quiet but in my mind and in my heart, I have been celebrating. It feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because I don't have to wait, wonder and worry anymore and my heart is filled to capacity with joy.

I guess that would be the best way to describe how I am feeling today at 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant: Joyful

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Final Preparations, An Admission & A Gift

This weekend has been a very productive one - probably because it's the weekend before my due date. (Can you believe it? I know I can't) Yesterday we found the perfect chocolate brown curtains and a matching curtain rod. (The curtains were on clearance for $14.99 each at Bed, Bath & Beyond - score!) Then today Leo put together the last of the items that needed assemblying, including the adorable mobile for the crib that mom bought, which brings me to an admission that I had been avoiding.

You know how I had decided on the vintage mickey mouse theme for Jacob's nursery? Well....I sort of changed it...again. But for very good reason. When Leo and I went to the store to look at a floor model of the mickey bedding, I was really disappointed with the quality, especially the stitching. It literally looked like it would only last a handful of washes and the colors weren't as rich as they had appeared online. In hind-sight I really believe that it had to be Winnie the Pooh, for many reasons.

Winne the Pooh was the theme for my nursery when I was a baby and also the theme my mom used for my little brother's nursery years later. (mom obviously loves Winnie the Pooh) And finally, it was also the theme that I had picked out the first time I got pregnant. Not to mention, I've been collecting it for years. So...naturally, it seems to be the very best choice. Here is an image taken this morning of the crib - cute? don't you think?

As soon as we have the curtains installed and a few more finishing touches up on the walls, I will be sure to post some more photos. Notice the strategically placed blanket - this is my poor attempt to hide the scratches - sort of an out of sight, out of mind strategy. Lol! I'm sure once Jacob is here, I won't even notice them but for now, the blanket is doing the trick just fine.

I can't believe Halloween is just around the corner - Jacob's first. It's easy now to allow myself to think of all the many firsts Leo and I will finally be able to look forward to like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and of course his very first birthday. I'm sure none of you will be surprised to hear that I'm already thinking of themes for this very special day. What a trip life is. One day your wishing and dreaming for something to happen and then it well...happens. Of course there was lots of prayer, birthday wishes, sleepless nights and a whole lot of tears but it was all worth it.

Leo and I spent nine years of our marriage hoping for a son or daughter and we never could have imagined that it would have taken us this long but what I am most proud of was that we didn't let our hopes and most importantly, the set-backs get the better of us. We not only prevailed, we managed to fit in a whole lot of living life to the fullest, too. We took vacations and last-minute day trips, experienced new foods and made new friends, and we created a great deal of memories that I will cherish forever.

Our life before Jacob will not represent a part of our marriage that was dark, maybe a bit dim at times, but overall, it has been 12 years of living, learning, growing stronger in our love for eachother and most importantly, preparing. I definitely wouldn't waste another second wishing and hoping things had been different because for me, it's easier to believe that this is exactly how it was supposed to happen. Truth be told, it makes me feel as though I have been given a HUGE gift wrapped in a brightly colored bow. And who could turn away such a beautiful gift? Certainly, not me.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Pinterest: Eat, Drink & Be Scary

I spent some time today on my new favorite website: Pinterest.com - if you are a visual person like me and you love recipes, crafty party ideas, organizing or style tips, or if you just want to find a really great quote, you are going to LOVE this website.

Basically, it is a virtual pinboard and a really great way to organize the things that you have stumbled on online, whether through your favorite cooking blog, shopping or entertaining websites or anywhere else you find yourself on the world wide web.

Here are just a few things that caught my eye for fall and Halloween: 

Natalie: The Busy Budgeting Momma - Halloween DIY Party Details 
Homemade Salted Caramel Mocha Latte
S'Mores Cookie Bars
Honeycrisp Apple Sangria
Brown Sugar Pound Cake
My Favorite Part in the Movie, The Help
Cookies & Cream Cupcakes
Salted Chocolate Caramel Pretzel Bark
A Really Great Quote from Steve Jobs
Chocolate Pumpkin Cake
Cream Cheese Lemon Bars
Fall Bucket List
15 Reasons to Fall In Love with Fall
Red Lobster Cheddar Muffin Recipe

To check out some of my other "pins," click here

Kitty Issues & The Not-So-Little Episode

Image Credit: Binary Rock

I think Quincy is feeling neglected. Every morning I wake up to a pile of toilet paper on the bathroom floor and yesterday while I was putting clothes away in Jacob's room, he attempted to jump on to the crib and failed miserably causing several large gashes in the beautiful espresso colored wood. I about died - I know - seems overly dramatic, even for me, but I literally (brace yourself for yet another episode) broke down into tears. Again.

Before you jump to conclusions because I know it will be easy to do at this point, first let me just say that the crib is perfectly brand new, lovingly purchased by my Mom and Step-Dad. And Leo had just put it together not more than two days ago. He positioned it in the perfect spot in the nursery and I was in the process of putting on the freshly washed sheets. It was pristine and so....perfect.

That was probably a very poor attempt to get you to see why I reacted the way I did but unfortunately, it doesn't end there - it gets worse. Can any of you guess what my next move was? That is after the crying and yelling directed at Quincy. I called Leo in tears. Again. Poor Leo - he must think his wife's body has been overtaken by aliens at this point because every time I call, I'm either crying or frustrated. This not-so-little episode definitely takes the cake. 

Again, he calmed me down telling me that it can be fixed and that even if it couldn't be, the crib is just that - a crib. And again, I felt silly. It still took me over an hour before I could even look at Quincy, much less pet him, tell him everything was okay and how sorry I was for getting upset with him. (Yes, my cat and I have one-sided conversations from time to time) And trust me, he heard me because as soon as I finished, he went straight for his food bowl.
(Quincy is an emotional eater, just like his Mommy)

I keep using the words, "lesson learned" but with this issue, I think it's pretty obvious that I have a long way to go and it is going to be harder than I thought. Not because I don't want to change this about myself but because for me, it really is a knee-jerk reaction. Plus, I have to believe that my raging hormones are a large contributing factor at this point. (I sincerely hope)

On a more positive note, I finished the "baby laundry" yesterday. Jacob's bag is packed and my bag is about 75% ready. Just need to put a bag together for Leo. I even have a bag of goodies for the nurse's station - in hopes that I can "sweeten" them up. Yes, I am one smart cookie when I want to be. Today, I need to make one more trip to Target, hopefully without incident and then I can officially say, I'm ready."

As usual, thank you for (still) listening. I'm sure this subject will come up again. And again. But hopefully not for awhile. For both our sakes. And Leo's. :)

Enjoy the Day!

Missy

Me at 38 weeks and 3 days

Confession: I've been feeling really nervous, anxious and maybe a tad bit overwhelmed over the past two days. Last night I nearly had a panic attack while I was laying in bed because all of the things I hadn't finished yet  kept swirling around in my head. Finally, after thirty minutes, I resorted to surfing the web for over an hour before trying to go back to bed.

I've also been keeping myself really busy lately. Since my last day at work, we've had the entire house recarpeted and the grout in our tile floors steam cleaned and sealed, which naturally resulted in a great deal of furniture moving and rearranging, stuff purging and deep cleaning. Plus, in between, I've made several trips to Target and Babies r Us because as soon as I get home, I remember a host of additional items that I was supposed to pick-up.

I've also had a couple of melt-downs, the most recent occurrence was at a Target customer service counter. Long story short - I was frustrated, tired and beyond consoling. As soon as I walked out on to the sales floor and I got Leo on the phone, I was in tears. Now it seems very silly, of course, but in the moment, I just needed to let it out. I'm sure everyone around me thought I was crazy but then again, maybe the protruding belly was a good enough explanation. (I hope.)

I guess the anxiety comes from me being worried that I'm going to screw this up - being a new Mom. My high expectations coupled with the years and years of dreaming about this chapter in my life makes me doubt whether or not I can be the kind of Mom I have always envisioned I could be. Tons of questions keep popping up like, will I be able to stop and smell the roses when he is finally here or will I continue to keep myself so busy with the tiny, insignifigant things.

We all know that I tend to obsess over the little things and I can't explain why - even now, at age 38. I do however (thankfully) have moments, sometimes even long stretches of time when I am able to check myself and really enjoy life but often times I get sucked back in to the details again. Leo was the one who brought me back to reality today. He told me that I needed to relax - that even if Jacob came today, the items on my check-off list wouldn't matter. They would be insignificant. He couldn't be more right.

Even now as I take the time to process and reflect on all of this, I guess I tend to obsess about the little things when I'm feeling nervous and anxious and most especially when I am dealing with change. With less than two weeks left in my pregnancy, I suppose it is safe to say that I'm feeling nervous and anxious over what's in store for us and especially for me, as Jacob's primary caretaker. I'm really hoping that my maternal instincts kick-in but also I'm counting on Jacob to teach me a few things, too.

I also need to cut myself some slack and focus my attention on the things that do matter, like feeling Jacob kick away in my tummy and the little time Leo and I both have together as a couple before our life completely changes. And to enjoy the quietness of the house with Leo asleep upstairs and the cats curled up at my feet. Thank goodness for moments of clarity and for this outlet - my blog - a place where I can vent freely, process and just be me at 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Dissaray, Entitlement and Gaining Perspective

This morning I decided to take a break from getting my house back in order after getting new carpet installed yesterday. As I logged into facebook, I was feeling really overwhelmed by the amount of work still needing to be done until I saw the above image on my news feed and I immediately felt silly and selfish. My issue of having a house in dissaray seems non-existent in comparison to the countless people out there who live every day without adequate food, clothing and shelter.

It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago. She is having problems with her 29-year old daughter who just recently quit trade school without any explanation and moved back home - no job and no car. My friend's life was completely turned upside down in a matter of days because her daughter decided she didn't want to be a grown up anymore. She was back to expecting her laundry done, her shopping list not only paid for but picked up and her meals cooked and plate washed after every meal.

This apparently freed her up not to go out and look for a job but to shop on her mom's dime and party till all hours of the night, then sleep all day. My friend loves her daughter very much so she gives in every time, thinking she is only doing what a parent should do but I have to wonder (despite my lack of experience) is this the right thing to do? Is she teaching her daughter anything by doing everything for her? Enabling her to continue wasting her life away partying and sleeping all day?

We all have a tendency to forget that it is OUR life after all, nobody else's and entitlement for some reason seems to be running rampant these days. "You are my Mom - therefore you should ALWAYS support me." This is a very large pill for me to swallow - it just doesn't seem right and where does the feeling of entitlement come from? I can tell you that from what I have seen, it can cause a great deal of guilt, anguish and stress for any mother who loves their child.

I wish I could help my friend more - all I could really do is listen and offer my encouragement and support. I wish we all could pay more attention to those who have very little or nothing at all instead of focusing our attention to the material things we want and worse yet, forcing those closest to us to adhere to our wishes and wants. Life isn't about the things we posess, it's about the relationships we build, the memories we create and the obstacles we overcome.

When others do for us, we miss out on the feeling of real accomplishment. When we've done something all by ourselves - regardless of the work, blood, sweat and sometimes tears - the things we work hardest for are usually the same things that reap the best rewards. It's easy to lose sight of this especially when you are in the trenches and feeling completely overwhelmed but it is possible to pull ourselves out of the situation long enough to gain some persepective, like the image above that was posted on somebody's wall this morning.

I'm glad that I took the time to log in to facebook because I see now how silly my feelings were - perspective gained by one powerful image. It's easy to look away and toss the lesson to be learned aside, especially when the image is not a happy one, but in my experience, you usually gain so much more.

How does this image change the way you see your current situation or life?

Enjoy the Day!

Missy