Hold On To Hope

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Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I given up. That's quite an opening statement, I know but this basic question has been on my mind for days now and I'm not even sure why. Things on the new-mom front are going overall really well. Jacob and I have sort of eased into a easy-going schedule and I couldn't feel more happy and fulfilled. 

Today, at 7 weeks old he is a pretty active baby - he loves more than anything to be bounced on my lap.
I know that sounds a bit crazy for his age but true. He's smiling and coo-ing a lot more now and he is so much more aware of his surroundings. I still watch him in awe when he's not looking, wondering what he's thinking about at that very moment.

The other day I noticed that his legs are too long for him to lay on my lap facing me and  he's already getting too big to take baths in the kitchen sink - when did this happen? He's growing so fast and yet, I still wonder - what if I had given up?

I wouldn't have his hands to hold or his feet to tickle. I wouldn't be able to smell the top of his head or watch him smile when I say aaa-booo! I wouldn't be able to witness all of the milestones that have already happened or the ones just in sight. Jacob is growing every day and every day I am reminded that dreams do come true - you just have to hold on to hope.

I know - easier said than done. I waited a long time for Jacob so I know that it can be a difficult, stressful and painful road but through the waiting, the hoping and the praying, I was able to figure out who I really was and what I was willing to go through to make my dream a reality and in the end, it was all worth it. Every doctors visit and medical test, every injection and blood draw, every hour spent researching and investigating and every last ovulation and pregnancy test. (and there were probably hundreds)   

  

Hope is a funny thing - sometimes it seems elusive but then when the one thing you always wanted happens, it instantly becomes tangible and you wonder why you doubted hope all along.

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy 

Being Thankful

Jacob has a cold. I had hoped to keep him healthy for at least a couple of months but I came down with a sore throat and sniffles on tuesday night so I suppose it was only a matter of time before he caught it. Poor baby. I called his pediatrician to arm myself with some much needed advice before heading into the weekend but was informed that we really can't give him any medicine: only vicks vapor rub and a humidifier to ease the congestion and of course, we will be monitoring his temperature.

It's still hard to believe that Jacob's finally here. When I go to sleep every night and when I wake up every morning, he's the first person I think about. He's all I can think about these days. (I hope all of you can hang in with me and resist un-following me to get away from the constant "Jacob babble.") I just can't help it - he's so easy to fall in love with, with his big brown eyes, chubby cheeks and button nose. He's smiling more and more every day and my favorite thing this week has been when he falls asleep with his head on my shoulder, his body all curled up like a ball. This must be what pure joy feels like.

The cozy recliner we bought for his room has finally arrived - we plan to pick it up from Babies R Us this weekend. I'm really looking forward to the time Jacob and I will spend in it, rocking and reading to him just before bed time. I hope to grow his book collection for just this reason. I loved reading as a child and still do to this day. It's sort of a passion of mine that started very early for me so I'd love to pass it on to him.

Thanksgiving is less than a week away and I'm looking forward to spending time with family. This year I have SO much to be thankful for, I almost feel guilty because I really couldn't ask for anything more. I've got the guy, the house and now the beautiful baby boy. Even still, it's impossible for me to forget about those who are still struggling to conceive. I continue to pray that their dream of being a mom will come true very, very soon. 

Christmas will be here before we know it. I keep pondering the idea of decking the halls for Jacob's first christmas but the task is not an easy one. It typically takes me a full day so the idea of doing it all in one day this year is nearly impossible. So the question is, do I brave the feat and do it over a couple of days while he naps? or just forego the decking of the halls altogether this year? I'm still not sure but will need to make a decision soon to make it worthwhile. There's nothing worse than feeling as though you had just put the decoration up only to take them all down.

Only one thing will be missing this holiday season and that is my mom's presence. As some of you may already know, she lives in Utah but it's times like these when I wish she still lived in California. Truth be told, I am (secretly) hoping her hubby will give in and send her to California for a few days even if it is just before or after Christmas but I'm also preparing myself in case it doesn't happen.

Well, I guess I am done rambling for one day. I leave you all with my thankful list for 2011 and if I don't post again before then, I want to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and as always, thank you for listening (reading)!

This year, I am thankful for:

1. My husband - An amazing provider who also happens to be my very best friend
2. My baby boy - you are truly a miracle and I couldn't imagine loving you any more than I already do!
3. My mom - for giving us so many wonderful family traditions that I look forward to sharing with Jacob
4. My family - for your love, encouragment and support

5. My friends - for the laughter and joyful memories
6. My fellow blogger friends - for inspiring me never to give up and to always hold on to hope!
7. My cats - because they bring us so much joy
8. My home - of twelve years that is filled to the brim with love, warmth and great memories

9. My job - because it allows me to be me: organized, creative, crafty and a little bit of a control freak!
10. EDD - because without it, I wouldn't be able to stay home with Jacob until January 3rd!
  

Enjoy the Weekend! 

Missy    

One Month

It's hard to believe that Jacob will be one month old tomorrow. Someone pinch me -I have a one month old who is currently sleeping soundly just a couple feet away.

I am also SO very happy and a little relieved to report that I am officially (almost) back to normal. Sure, I'm still tired half the time but sleep deprived, I'm not anymore and my hormones seem to be better balanced. No more crying fits. No more feeling completely overwhelmed.

The week that Leo went back to work was scary but as the days passed, I felt more and more confident in my ability to care for Jacob's needs. I even braved our first trip out of the safety of our home by attending a Mom's Group meeting. Afterwards, we headed to Babies R Us to pick up some more formula. All in all, it was a successful trip and I was so glad I did it. It felt great to be able to share Jacob's birth story with the other moms and to hear their stories.

Now, as we head into the one month mark, our day-to-day schedule is slowly but surely coming together and I am definitely able to navigate better through the day's events. (Yay Me!) Bathtime is definitely by far one of my favorite events of the day. I typically bathe him in the kitchen sink because it's the perfect size and it has a window that overlooks the backyard. As soon as I get the temperature just right, I place him in the bubbly water and his whole body immediately relaxes. He kicks his legs as if he is trying to swim, staring out the window, sucking on his tiny little fingers. I love it.

Jacob had his very first doctor's appointment two weeks ago and he was given a clean bill of health. He also weighed in at a healthy 8 lbs. 7 oz. and I'm sure he's gained even more weight since then. We've had several visitors stop by to meet baby Jacob over the past few weeks. I try to take a picture of them holding Jacob for his scrapbook and I also plan to take a picture of him every month leading up to his first birthday to document the changes in him that we are bound to miss or overlook over the next year.

We also received his social security and his medical insurance card in the mail. I literally stared at his social security card, tracing his name with my finger trying to soak it all in. It still amazes me that my little bean is finally here. I have a son and tomorrow he will be one-month old. So perfect and still so new.

A Joyful Mess

Photo by: True Emotions Photography

The first two weeks were filled with lots and lots of firsts.

The first diaper change, the first bath, the first smile (most likely caused by gas) and the first of many photos. But the one thing that surprised me the most was how overwhelming it felt at times. No doubt, my hormones were a mess and I'm sure lack of sleep played a part as well but nothing could have prepared me for the vast array of feelings and never-ending questions I'd have those first two weeks.

My Mom helped a great deal by answering my random but still very important (to me) questions but my feelings on the other hand were sometimes difficult to address. I just felt terribly overwhelmed, inadaquate, scared and unsure of my ability to care for this little baby boy. In hind-sight, I did a pretty darn good job figuring out when he was hungry or needing a diaper change right from the start but at the time, I second guessed myself a lot, even despite Jacob's apparent contentment.

I also cried at the drop of a hat, no matter what time of day or night and once I got started, I found it was very difficult to stop. And each time, I'd feel SO terribly guilty because I kept thinking, "I should be the happiest Mom on the planet right now - why am I crying?" This question would undoubtedly make me cry even more.

I cried when my Mom had to go back to Utah and when Leo had to go back to work. And most especially when I ran into breastfeeding issues. (The kind volunteer at the Healthy Beginnings Clinic had to console me for 15-minutes after she asked the very simple question, "How was your weekend?")

Thankfully, in between the tears, I have also had many, many moments of pure happiness. Like that first night when I spent hours just staring at him from my bed side. The first time Leo held him and the pride I felt just watching them in the moment. The adorable way he sighs when he's eating, as if it's the best meal he's ever had and the first time I caught a glimpse of a smile on his adorable little face. The first time he clutched my finger tightly, his tiny little fingers curled ever so carefully and the very first time he feel asleep in my arms.

Truth be told, being a new Mom is scary. Probably because I don't have any past experiences to fall back on and and it's easy to fear the unknown because we waited so long for him. I can't imagine enduring a serious illness or even worse, losing him. So I just pray to God that he stays healthy and happy and in time, I am sure my confidence in taking caring of him will improve. Sleep is still difficult these days but thankfully, as we round out the middle of our third week together, I am finally starting to feel like myself again - happy and optimistic.

Nothing can really prepare you for the host of emotions you feel when giving birth to your first-born. I thought I had done my due dilligence. Boy, was I wrong. But even still, it is all worth it to have this little bundle of joy to swaddle, bathe, dote on and love unconditionally. He truly IS my heart and I thank God every day for his presence in our ever-changing life.

I suppose the tears were inevitable but they always eventually dry up and are soon replaced with feelings of pure love and joy for my little boy who has made me a humble, joyful mess.

A joyful mess = I'll take it...and own it!

Enjoy the Day!

Missy

October 17, 2011: Jacob's Birth Story

My water broke at 5:20 a.m.

Leo was already awake and downstairs getting ready for work. At first I found myself second-guessing myself, worrying that it was just a false alarm but it wasn't long before I started to feel menstrual like cramping so I went downstairs to tell Leo that it was time. He immediately jumped into action, telling me not to worry, that he would grab my things and put them in the car while I took a quick shower.

I called my Mom on the way to the hospital - she sounded a little startled and unsure about what she should do - drive or fly from Utah? But a few hours later she called to tell me that she was boarding a plane to California. I was SO happy to hear her say that. I really wanted her to be there for me and for Jacob.
 
By the time we arrived to the hospital, my contractions were already fifteen minutes apart and we were immediately taken to a temporary room where a wonderful nurse by the name of Denise came to my rescue. She was so kind and encouraging - she kept reminding me that this is what I had been waiting for over and over, which helped me get through the pain. After a quick examination, we were told that my cervix was only at a one but since my water had broke, they would admit me. (yay!)

Soon after that, we took a thirty minute walk, stopping every few minutes so that I could breath through a contraction. A few minutes after getting back into bed, I was checked again and was told that I had already progressed to a four. Then three hours later, I had progressed to a six. Leo was amazing - my rock for sure - he stayed by my side the whole time encouraging me to breath through the contractions and offering his hand when I needed it. At this point, I opted for an epidural, which made the rest of my laboring feel like a breeze.

By 5pm, I was told that I was at a ten and ready to push - we just needed to wait for my doctor to arrive. Most of Leo's family and my family had arrived by this point and they all came in to say a quick hello before heading to the waiting room. A few minutes after 5pm, my Mom arrived - just in time.

I started pushing at 6:20pm and at 6:55 pm, Jacob Mario Hernandez made his entrance into the world. I was shocked to say the least, I just couldn't believe that he was here. For some reason, I thought it would take much longer than it did but as soon as I heard his cry, I burst into tears. Mom, of course, cried too. The doctor had Leo cut the umbillical cord and then Jacob was placed on my chest for a few magical minutes; his eyes were wide open and I was able to get him to settle down a bit before they took him to get him cleaned up, weighed and measured.

Soon after that, he was back on my chest, warm and happy. We both were. And my heart (finally) felt whole again. Nine years of wishing, praying, crying, dreaming and hoping had paid off and our miracle baby boy was here in my arms. After about an hour, family started to come in to the room to meet and hold Jacob, one by one. My sisters both cried as soon as they walked in the door, which brought back tears of joy for me too. It just felt like such a magical moment.

At one point, Leo was holding Jacob and I immediately thought about the two babies we had lost on this journey. I had always wondered what they would have looked like and more than anything, I had always felt like I cheated Leo out of the chance to be a father. I would often daydream about him holding them both, one in each arm - a proud Dad with his two kids but now I wasn't dreaming anymore. The image of Leo holding Jacob completely filled my heart up with pure joy and the heartache and pain susbsided.

I'm also comforted knowing that Jacob is being protected by his two older siblings who are up in heaven and one fine day, I will get to meet them, hug them and tell them just how much I love them. For now though, Jacob is my number one priority. Even as I sit here typing away, Jacob is sleeping on my lap - he looks so peaceful and content and I can't help but think how terribly fitting because that is exactly how I feel at this moment.

At Peace and Content.

P.S. Throughout the day we received countless text messages from family, co-workers and friends. It was such an amazing outpour of love that we both truly appreciated. Thank you so much for your love and support. We love each and every one of you!

This song probably best describes the road that led up to this moment.

Our Long Awaited Miracle

Jacob Mario
Born: October 17, 2011 at 6:55 p.m.
Weight: 7 lbs. 8 oz.
Length: 20 inches

Thank you for your love, support and prayers! 

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A Whim, a True Story and a Favor

On a whim, I decided to check my blogger account tonight to catch up on some reading before going to bed. As I scanned the recently published posts via my dashboard, I noticed one that I hadn't yet read from one of my favorite bloggers turned friends, Miss Conception.

The post was titled, "20 Weeks: All Gone" and my heart immediately dropped into my stomach. Miss C and her husband underwent IVF a few months ago and were pregnant with twins. The post was short but in it she lovingly announced the passing of their son and daughter on October 12th. Of course the tears are back and even as I sit here typing away, my heart aches for them - for the pain they must be enduring right now and for the heartache they will undoubtedly experience over the next few weeks, months and even years.

More than anything though, I am feeling SO much frustration and anger. And not at God, for some strange reason. Yes, it is extremely difficult to understand his plan for this amazing couple and the questions that are bound to naturally linger on everyone's mind is, "Why did this happen?" and "For what purpose?"

It's difficult to find purpose in something so tragic and painful. But more so, I'm angry because there are SO many people out there that have no idea what it feels like to have to struggle and go through gutt-wrenching situations like this one in order to one day have a family.

People who joke outwardly about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, people who accidentally get pregnant and then complain about the consequences they face and people who choose to abuse, neglect and abandon their children. Then I think about the countless children in foster care and group homes who just want be loved and taken care of and I wish to God that things were different.

We as women need to come to the realization that pregnancy is not a given or even a birth right. It may feel that way to most but I guarantee that if you spent some time reading a few blogs written by women who have been trying for years to get pregnant, suffering through not one, two or even three miscarriages but five, six or more, you'd have a completely different perspective.

Before I met these women, I felt lost and alone. Isolated from most of my loved ones and friends and not because they didn't care but because they didn't fully understand. And not because they didn't want to understand but because they hadn't experienced what I had. I thank God that these women made the decision to share their story. Because of them, I was finally able to find my footing and gain the strength I needed to continue hoping. I also felt better because I had the support of others who had gone through the exact thing I had.

Their stories were mine and my story was theirs.

I'd like to thank them for giving me the strength to get here:

Cherish This Baby
Infertility Overachievers
My Strand of Pearls
Fearfully. Wonderfully.
Hannah Wept - Sarah Laughed.

Lastly, I'd like to ask a favor - please say a prayer for my friend, Miss C and her husband and also for the countless women who are struggling to not only get pregnant but to keep their pregnancy and remember: pregnancy isn't a birth right - It's a miracle. Cherish your children - hug and kiss them every chance you get and never miss an opportunity to spend quality time with them. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate what they bring into your life: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I love you Miss C and will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this very difficult time. I am here if you need anything - anything at all.

Love,
Missy