My Very Own Silver Lining

I woke up this morning to the sunlight streaming through the mini blinds in our bedroom. Leo was already up and watching t.v. downstairs. It only took a moment to remember that it was Father's Day and I immediately felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head - not ready to face the day. My heart became heavy with grief, guilt and sadnesss. Grief from losing my Dad many years ago and guilt from feeling as though I am the reason that Leo isn't able to celebrate being a Dad today. Sadness, I'm sure from a combination of both.

I know what you are going to say - "It's not your fault," "It's God's will," or "These things sometimes happen" and "You must not think that way." And Leo has assured me over and over that he is happy with our life. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything and he has repeatedly told me that it's not my fault.

Although these words are meant to make me feel better, they really have very little effect on me. Admittedly, I know they SHOULD make me feel better and I know that they come from people who love me and who genuinely want me to be happy. But it's as if I have no control over this part of my heart that is secretly suffering through what feels like a fertile world. I know - I am sure that probably sounds a bit crazy but it's SO true. From my perspective.

The family oriented holidays, the bumper stickers, the baby showers, the milestone birthdays, the conversations that I cannot participate in. (Usually I choose to smile and wait patiently for the conversation to change) Hearing someone tell a new Mom how blessed she is. (Does that mean that I am not blessed?) Listening to women complain about being a "fertile Myrtle" and the assumptions that people sometimes make when you don't have any kids: "You must have so much time on your hands." Once I was invited to an event to raise money to fund abortions for women who couldn't afford it. Let's just say I had to take a few breaths to calm myself down before I respectfully declined. I could think of 100 other worthy causes - sorry, this one is not one of them. (for me)

I know that all of these situations - the statements, the bumper stickers and even the invite weren't done to specifically and intentionally hurt me. The fact is, I am a woman who has not been able to do what we women were created to do; re-produce, pro-create, give birth. And because that's a fact - it's hard to forget or dismiss. And these things serve as a constant reminder. A reminder that sometimes triggers thoughts of special memories that Leo and I will miss out on because we don't have kids.

The many firsts, visits from the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and Santa Claus. The sports games, tournaments and club events. The first dance, the first date and the proms. The college years, graduation ceremonies and the beautiful weddings. Leo being the proud father in every instance and me crying tears of happiness in the background. The many, many photos, the hugs and the kisses and I love you's. And Grandchildren.

I know full well that thinking about these things will not make the problem go away. I also know that they will always hurt but they are my real feelings and thoughts none the less. For my health and peace of mind, I need to talk and write them all down - to cope better. feel better. To purge and let go. When I don't talk about it, it's not as if the thoughts and sad feelings magically go away. I am allowing myself to really be honest. And more importantly, I am hopefully shedding some light into the thoughts and feelings of those of us who don't have children as a result of PCOS.

Here are a few more tale-tell signs; we are typically overly-sensitive and sentimental. We cry at the drop of a hat. We are moody at times, pensive and distracted. We tend to over-commit (probably because we feel guilty about not having enough time to do it all....you know, since we don't have kids) We are over-achievers and everything has to be "just right." We tend to control absolutely everything in our lives because we have very little control over everything else. But above all else, we love to take care of others - especially our loved ones and closest friends.

To some, we may seem straight-up crazy about the "little details" but as I have always said, my family, friends, co-workers and even my employers have always benefited from my particular brand of craziness. And in some strange way, knowing this makes me feel better. I guess you could say it's my very own silver lining.