Confirmation

It happened. This morning. Confirmation that I am not pregnant. 

There were a few tears, but overall, even as I sit on my bed under the covers, writing this post, I am surprisingly feeling at peace with everything. Despite my disappointment and the bit of sadness in the pit of my stomach, I am in a good place. Right here. Now. In this moment.

Leo is definitely a big reason for my mood. He's amazing - have I mentioned that you to before? I'm sure I have but I'll say it again. He's just an amazing husband. He always knows exactly what to say and he has this unwavering air of peacefulness that surrounds him. He held me and let me say what was on my mind. He reassured and comforted me. He even got me to laugh, joking "At least we still have our crazy cats!" We do have crazy cats - that's true. This morning Quincy woke Leo up at 3:30 by opening and closing the bathroom cabinet door. Leo said he had food in his bowl so he must of just wanted his "partner in crime" to wake up so they could play.    

Anyway, up until Saturday, I was feeling really positive. I even allowed myself to talk about all of the "what if's" on Friday night, at Pomona Valley Mining Company - our eleventh wedding anniversary dinner. We talked about what we would do to the extra bed room to turn it into a nursery - the colors, the textures and the furniture. (I know, we are both crazy) And I had also been thinking about names. If it was a girl, Sophia or Sophie. And it if it had been a boy, Jacob. 

I do know that I need a break to figure out some things, before deciding what our next move is - do we try artificial insemination again or do we move on to adoption? Or do we go on living a life without kids? We could both go back to school in the Spring for practically nothing at La Verne. And we could travel more. Leo and I are blessed in many ways, with many different options.

What I refuse to do is let this circumstance affect our marriage and our happiness anymore.

In the past, I let it seep into every area of my life. I allowed this situation to rule me and my emotions. Giving in to fears and negativity. Feeling like less than a woman, a disappointment and a failure. It's almost as if I was saying to myself, "You are not worthy of happiness." Because let's face it, I am big on "Happy Endings" and most happy endings typically end with a family that includes a couple of kids, a dog and maybe a cat. I suppose it is time to re-think that image in my head.

The "Happy Ending" for us may not include kids. It's not perfect. But that's life. Imperfect. Ever-changing. Full of tough decisions but also full of unexpected joy and fleeting moments of sheer happiness. I am definitely ready though. Ready to let go of the pain and live the life that was intended for us and only us. Ready for our very own happy ending. Whatever that may be.

As always, thank you so much for listening! (reading)
And for your love, encouragement and support!

XoXo,
Malissa