Pink or Blue?

It's almost time - time for our next ultrasound to hopefully be able to find out if it's a boy! or a girl! Don't get me wrong - I'm going to be over the moon happy for either outcome but I guess what I'm excited about is finally being able to plan the nursery, beginning the naming process and registering for little denim overalls or pink ruffled dresses.

I'll be 20 weeks pregnant as of this Friday and I haven't yet allowed myself to buy one stitch of clothing, not one single stuffed toy, blanket or pair of shoes - not even a baby book. So as I sit here on the couch googling and searching through various websites to get ideas, it's easy to get even more excited (and maybe a bit overwhelmed, too!) with the vast array of choices.

There are a few things I am pretty set on like leaning towards using neutral colors as opposed to bright primary colors and I love the idea of having a vinyl mural on the wall - no painting necessary. (if you have any experience with vinyl letters and murals, please share your insights!)

Lastly, I'm seriously considering purchasing a regular set of drawers with a hutch - possibly antique instead of going with a typical nursery set and I would absolutely love to have a comfortable over-sized chair for late night feedings. I even happened upon some cool DIY projects that I may try, like the adorable closet organizers above - how cute are they?

Since I definitely do not have a clue on the subject, please feel free to share with me (and others) your favorite products as well as any products you could have done without. I would really, really appreciate it! 

The BIG DAY (if baby cooperates) is on June 1st- Stay Tuned!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Spring-ing Into Action

It's been far too long since I last posted. My apologies. Really. I could blame being back to work or the fact that the last two months have been full of...action. But I won't. I CAN tell you that it's been a fabulous Spring full of activity and great memories. As of this week, I am in my 17th week of pregnancy and everything is going great. A serious cause for celebration - Yippee! 

On Saturday, April 23, Leo's family and I participated in Walk Now for Autism Speaks in support of our nephews, Xavier and Alexander. This year we really stepped up our game by planning various events to raise funds. There were BBQ dinners, a charity concert, a poker game, a silent auction and a girl's night out to name just a few and I am very proud to say that the end result was that we were able to raise $13,395.00, which earned us the 11th top fund raising team position out of literally hundreds of other teams. Impressive, if I do say so myself.

Even now, it's difficult to explain the feelings I had on the day of the walk. It was just great to feel as though we came together as a family to make a difference. A few of us qualified for the Grand Club so it was fun to be able to rub elbows with some of Autism Speak's biggest advocates and supporters, Holly Robinson-Pete (She started the HollyRod Foundation) and Zev and Justin from the Amazing Race. The weather was perfect and everyone wore their Team X to the A Force team t-shirts proudly. 

Over the last few months, I have also had the pleasure to meet some pretty amazing people who generously donated their time, talents and products in support of Autism Speaks. Many of them I contacted online so it was even more amazing to me that these perfect strangers stepped up to make a contribution. After countless emails, facebook posts and conversations I am proud to say that many of them I now consider great friends. Please take a moment to check out their websites - I promise, you won't be disappointed!

Allison B Wonderland
Aloette Skincare - Monica Beltran

Bath by Riley

Bird's Party

Derrick Dzine Dargan
Foremost Apparel 

Glassy Chic Boutique
Iris Jewelry Design
Jana's Fine Designs
JDM Bakeshop

Letter Chef

Lisa Leonard Designs
Made Especially For You
Paper & Pigtails

The Clever Corner
Treasured Gardens Handcrafted Soaps

True Emotions Photography

I would also like to thank the Sheraton Fairplex Hotel & Conference Center in Pomona, CA for allowing me to host the Girl's Night Out on their beautiful patio. I can't thank them enough for donating dinner and wine for my guests and for all the special touches, such as the surprise birthday cake made by Cucamonga Cakery in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. (If you book an event there, ask for Beth Gallagher - she is the best of the best!)

A heartfelt thank you goes out to Picazo's Flower Designs in Rancho Cucamonga for donating the beautiful flower arrangements (see photo at top of post) and to Signature Limos Limousines for giving me a fabulous rate and amazing service - the party bus was a huge hit! Lastly, a HUGE thank you goes out to everyone who came out to our various fund raising events and those of you who made a donation. 

Together, we put action to work for Autism Speaks! On behalf of myself, Leo's family and most especially, our nephews Xavier and Alexander - thank you for your support!

What If?

This week is National Infertility Week! Naturally, I felt it was important for me to dedicate today's post to the cause by doing my part to help spread awareness. Because let's face it - even though us girls will pretty much talk about everything and anything - infertility is probably not at the top of our list. Because of this, most women who struggle with infertility live with it silently, causing themselves shame, internal pain and conflict.

I recently stumbled upon this video by Keiko Zoll of Hannah Wept Sara Laughed by visiting my friend MissConception's website. I urge you to watch this short video no matter what your own situation is and then please, share it with others because you may unknowingly have several women in your life who are silently dealing with infertility now or who will face it in the very near future.


What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

The fact is that today, 1 in 8 couples will face infertility and because it's not often discussed in the public forum, the lack of awareness contributes to the fact that infertility is still not recognized as a disease by the public, our politicians, healthcare professionals and the media. The end result is very little support and resources for women who are doing their best to navigate through what can be a completely overwhelming and gutt-wrenching process.

Another reason National Infertility Week is so important is to use this week to bust the myths. There are countless myths out there causing infertiles unnecessary stress and grief when faced with a loved one who is trying to help but may not be aware of the myths still thought of as facts. Here are two that I've encountered over the years:

Myth #1: If you relax, you will get pregnant
Well-meaning friends and relatives may suggest "infertility is all in your head" or "if you'd stop worrying so much, you'd get pregnant." But in reality, infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system -- and not a psychological disorder. In fact, one or more physical causes are identified in the vast number of infertile couples. So while relaxing, going on vacation, or finding positive ways to de-stress can improve your overall well-being, these lifestyle changes won't solve your infertility problems.

Myth #2: Once a couple adopts a child, the woman will become pregnant This particular myth is not only painful for infertile couples to hear, but it's also untrue. First of all, it suggests that adoption is simply a means to an end (a pregnancy), and not, in and of itself, a valid and wonderful way to form a family. Secondly, only about 5 percent of couples who do adopt later become pregnant. This success rate is the same for couples who don't adopt and become pregnant without further treatment.

Oddly enough, I myself know someone who got pregnant after their adoption paperwork had been finalized so it makes the second myth, at least for me, hard not to believe but the fact still remains - the percentage is only 5%. So as you go about your day, I urge you to use this one week (really, only 4 days left) to not only educate yourself but to help spread awareness of this growing issue for women.

If you are currently dealing with infertility alone - I encourage you to share your story with close family and friends and/or find a support group of women who going through the very same thing. (contact RESOLVE to locate a support group near you) Personally, I would highly recommend starting your own blog - even if it's just for your eyes only. Writing, for me, has been by far the single most cathartic thing I've done for myself over the past three years and you would be pleasantly surprised at the number of bloggers out there writing about their own struggles and triumphs over infertility.

For me, this group of women has taught me more in the last three years about infertility than any doctor or resource guide. Plus, when given the chance, they will jump at any opportunity to show their support and encouragement every step of the way. Regardless of my current situation (I finally triumphed over infertility after 9 years of trying!) my story is still very much a part of who I am today and  I often wonder, what if?

What if in the early stages of my story, I had the same circle of support I have now? What if I had access to the resources I have today? What if I had been able to save myself some valuable time? 

Now it's your turn to ask yourself...What if?

Spring Forward

Spring is definitely here. As I sit here typing away at my kitchen table, I can hear the birds chirping outside. The house is picked up and Sunny and Quincy are sleeping peacefully on the couch. I've been thinking a lot lately about the life I've had so far. I know, I know - pretty heavy stuff for a lazy Sunday afternoon but I can't help it. 

It's difficult for me not to feel completely blessed - I've had a very full life. And I'm not just talking happy-happy, joy-joy moments. I've pretty much experienced every emotion a human being can have in their lifetime. I've experienced my share of bad break-ups but I've also been lucky enough to marry the man of my dreams. I know what it's like to go without but I also know what it's like to be able to get everything I've ever imagined and more.

I've experienced more than my share of death but even more joyous additions to my family and community. I've been through terrible heartbreaks but also moments when I thought my heart would burst with joy. I've stumbled through messes but always managed to learn from them and move on a better person. I've had moments where I've felt completely isolated and alone but many more moments where I've felt filled with the knowledge that I am loved and very much cared for.

I've cried the full-on, gutt-wrenching, body shaking ugly-face looking kind of cry but I've also had the privilege of feeling as though my life couldn't get any better, through a smile from ear-to-ear.

I've been disappointed more times than I can count but I've also had my confidence in others fully restored. I've second guessed my path on more than one occasion but eventually I have landed right where I was meant to be. That's life, I suppose. Life isn't always happy endings but it's not all bad either. It's important to appreciate and reflect on both sides of the coin because I think it's the key to really feeling the full effect of true happiness.

We have to remember that in a split second, anything can change. Bad things happen to everyone - not just to good people. Whether we want to accept it or not, both kinds of experiences are necessary in life, vital even. 

Life is ride - a great big road of lessons. How we handle them - how we cope and learn from them will determine the quality of life that we live. And luckily for us, we have each other to lean on when times are hard. To soften the blow and offer comfort and guidance into the next stage in our lives. I'll be 38 next month and I can honestly say that I have never felt happier in my life, armed with the countless lessons and experiences I've had - to guide and strengthen me.   

I feel completely whole and prepared for the next stage in my life. I'm ready for anything - good or bad - that comes my way and I thank God everyday for the life I've had. I will continue to pray for those of you who are struggling through the hard times - trying to find and make sense of the lessons that are difficult to see at first. I will pray that you will soon find peace and comfort. I know it's hard. It's still fresh in my mind but always remember - we are all in this together.

Thank you to all of you who have been there for me over the years and especially for the past two. It's been a crazy ride but I'm stronger every day because of my faith in God and also because of all of you. Your friendship and love means more to me than you will ever know.

Spring is definitely here. I looked up the word just now and one of the definitions for Spring is to move forward - how fitting!

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy

Knee-Jerk Reactions

Leo and I had our first visit with the OBGYN today. I love my doctor but we always end up waiting well beyond our appointment time to be called into the room and then it's another twenty to thirty minutes of more waiting. And today was no exception. When my name was finally called, we were taken into a room near the back of the building and Leo noticed right away that there wasn't any equipment to perform an ultrasound. It seemed strange to both of us, considering that this was our first visit. 

A few minutes later, the nurse took my vitals so I asked her if an ultrasound had been scheduled as part of today's visit. She didn't seem too sure either way so I politely asked if I could request one. Seemed like an easy enough request, right? She then asked me what kind of insurance I had and after telling her, she said it shouldn't be a problem and that I should definitely ask him. In my head I immediately thought - why can't you ask him ahead of time? - that way, if he says yes, I can be moved into the appropriate room. Made perfect sense to me but it didn't seem very obvious to her.

So, there I am sitting on the table, feeling a bit agitated and staring at a poster on the door that just happens to be advertising a drug that prevents pregnancy for up to three years. Perfect! (I won't go into how insane that idea sounds to someone like me)

I was attempting to busy my mind by reading the endless side effects when the nurse walked in again and asked if I had any documented proof of pregnancy. What? I didn't quite understand the question at first so naturally I immediately thought the worst. Was she insinuating that my urine test had come back negative? I know. This must sound very crazy coming from someone who has already had two successful ultrasounds but my head was so not in a good place at this point. And obviously, not in a very rationale one either. 

A few minutes later, the same nurse came in again and asked if I had seen Dr. C before? Wait - what? Now she really had me reeling. So I began explaining in full detail my medical history - "Yes, I have seen Dr. C before but both previous pregnancies resulted in miscarriage." What I really wanted to say was, why don't you just check my medical records? It's all there in black and white. As soon as she shut the door behind her, I pointed to the tissue box on the counter and the water works began.

While Leo was attempting to calm my fears, another doctor (Dr. C's wife) came in with a computer tablet asking me for my signature to release my medical records from Dr. J's office and then finally, an hour and ten minutes after my scheduled appointment, Dr. C entered the room. I probably looked like a hot mess by then but he didn't really seem to notice. He performed a well woman exam (lucky me) and then finally, he used some sort of electric looking pen that he literally pulled out of his coat pocket to hear the heartbeat. My heart was beating faster and faster as the seconds turned into minutes. He kept moving the pen around but all we could hear was static. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and to stay present.

Finally, as moved down a bit more - we heard it. The heartbeat. Thank you, God. 

I of course began to tear up, again. And by this point, my head was pounding -- I had really worked myself up into a full-fledged tizzy. After we listened for a minute or so, Dr. C told us that now that a heartbeat has been confirmed, our chances of a miscarriage drops to 2%. Definitely music to my ears. Leo and I managed to get a few questions in before Dr. C gave me my release form to return back to work and left the room.

Part of me was angry at myself for getting so worked up but now that I've had some time to think about it, I have to believe that it's just a natural response of going through two very painful miscarriages. And also, all of this stress could have been avoided had the nurse simply explained why she was asking so many questions.

It's hard to suppress the fears that naturally present themselves in situations like this. Half the time, I don't even know they are there. Prior to the appointment, I felt fine. I slept well the night before and I didn't have any preconceived worries even walking into the doctor's office. It wasn't until things started to go wrong and questions were being asked that my fears were triggered.

A normal pregnant woman probably would have handled the situation much better than me and with very little stress or concern but I have to allow myself room for moments like this one because it is what is is - I wish I could change this knee-jerk reaction but I can't. All I can hope for is that the fears will lessen more and more over time and eventually they will be replaced by the normal fears that parents have when raising a child. What a time that will be, for both of us.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Somebody Pinch Me

Somebody pinch me - I am officially in my twelfth week!

Soon, I will be safely out of my first trimester and securely fastened into my second. That fact makes me giddy. Sometimes it still feels like a really good dream. The kind of dream that seems too good to be true or the ones that make you wish you could go back to sleep but can't, no matter how hard you try.

Slowly but surely, my guard has come down. I've finally allowed myself to really and truly enjoy this pregnancy. Case in point: I made my first trip to a maternity store and I even purchased a couple of things. Words cannot fully express the feelings I felt as I walked around the store, stealing glances at other pregnant women with their tummies in full effect. Smiling, as their little tykes ran around, laughing and playing while their Mommies shopped. It was a good feeling. I left feeling happy and lighter than air.    

Things are definitely changing for Leo and I, too. Perceptions. Goals. Priorities, for sure. And the wheels in my head have been a' turning at a crazy pace lately. I love that I have all the time in the world to do just that. to think and figure things out. There were some major lay-off's at Leo's work a few weeks ago. It definitely makes us wonder if his job is going to last much longer. It's scary and also disheartening to see loyal employees who have given the best years of their life literally discarded with very little explanation. We both just continue to pray that both of our job remain necessary for the long-haul.

I've been keeping myself busy the last few weeks by working on our upcoming silent auction to raise money for Walk Now for Autism Speaks, which is scheduled for Friday, April 8th. All of the silent auction items are nearly ready and final event details should be secured by the end of this week. We've received some very generous donations from perfect strangers - a definite show of humanity. People helping People - I love it. I just pray that we have a good turn-out of guests. (Tickets are $25 per person - please email me if you would like to attend!) I will definitely keep all of you posted on the outcome. I am very happy to report that as a team, we have already raised almost $7,000.00!

Our next doctor's appointment is this Wednesday at 3:00 pm with the OBGYN - our first visit with him as we no longer have to be seen by the fertility specialist. (for obvious reasons) And then I will either be released to go back to work or not. I am leaving it in the Doctor's (and God's) hands. Either way, I am just feeling blessed to be right here. Alive. Breathing. Thinking. Dreaming. Loving and enjoying my life.

Enjoy the Day!   

Missy

A Rough Night

We had a rough night last night - spending nearly six hours in the emergency room. The baby is fine. It was just me that was needing some reprieve from a blistering headache that wouldn't seem to go away. I had woke up that morning with congestion in my chest and a horrible, almost indescribable headache. I laid around most of the day with the lights and the television off to try to avoid having to take aspirin but it just persisted. 

Later that evening, I went to bed at around 8:30 pm but instead of sleeping, I tossed and turned, squeezing my head with both hands to try and alleviate some of the pressure. Two hours later, when I got up to use the restroom, I felt feverish, dizzy and lightheaded, which was the final straw for me: it was time to go to the emergency room. And let me just say, that was the LAST place I wanted to go. I don't like emergency rooms for obvious reasons - it's a room full of sick people. Even people who aren't typically germ phobic probably think the same thing - what else am I going to catch in the place? But I kept thinking, what if all of this is affecting the baby? It's not just about me anymore.

We arrived at 10:30 pm to a room full of people and my heart sank. All I could think was I should have come earlier because we were going to be here for hours, which meant no sleep for either of us. We checked in and thankfully found a spot in the far corner. Two television sets were on and there were people talking, texting, playing video games and the lights were super bright - not a very conducive environment for a splitting headache.

Two hours into our wait, a woman was wheeled in to the emergency room, her head and body covered in a  blanket. I won't go into the details but the image is definitely not one that I will soon forget. Part of me felt so badly for her - praying that she would be okay but the other part of me - the part that was feeling very sick and "out of it" just wanted it to be over. I kept praying they would call my name every time I heard the doors open because by this point, I was feeling nauseous and was (internally) panicking over the possibility of getting sick in the emergency room bathroom.  
   
Finally, a little after 2:00 am I was admitted and assigned to a room. The doctor ordered some blood work and fluids via an IV. An hour and a half later, we found out that the primary diagnosis was a viral infection. The secondary diagnosis was dehydration, which caused the headache and dizziness. After the IV was finished, I was given a prescription for the nausea and was told I could take Tylenol or Aspirin for the headache. It was 4:00 am and we were (finally) headed home.

I had never been happier to be in my own bed and thankfully, I am feeling much better this morning. But most importantly, I am SO relieved that our little bean wasn't affected in any way.  

Enjoy the Day!
Missy