Knee-Jerk Reactions

Leo and I had our first visit with the OBGYN today. I love my doctor but we always end up waiting well beyond our appointment time to be called into the room and then it's another twenty to thirty minutes of more waiting. And today was no exception. When my name was finally called, we were taken into a room near the back of the building and Leo noticed right away that there wasn't any equipment to perform an ultrasound. It seemed strange to both of us, considering that this was our first visit. 

A few minutes later, the nurse took my vitals so I asked her if an ultrasound had been scheduled as part of today's visit. She didn't seem too sure either way so I politely asked if I could request one. Seemed like an easy enough request, right? She then asked me what kind of insurance I had and after telling her, she said it shouldn't be a problem and that I should definitely ask him. In my head I immediately thought - why can't you ask him ahead of time? - that way, if he says yes, I can be moved into the appropriate room. Made perfect sense to me but it didn't seem very obvious to her.

So, there I am sitting on the table, feeling a bit agitated and staring at a poster on the door that just happens to be advertising a drug that prevents pregnancy for up to three years. Perfect! (I won't go into how insane that idea sounds to someone like me)

I was attempting to busy my mind by reading the endless side effects when the nurse walked in again and asked if I had any documented proof of pregnancy. What? I didn't quite understand the question at first so naturally I immediately thought the worst. Was she insinuating that my urine test had come back negative? I know. This must sound very crazy coming from someone who has already had two successful ultrasounds but my head was so not in a good place at this point. And obviously, not in a very rationale one either. 

A few minutes later, the same nurse came in again and asked if I had seen Dr. C before? Wait - what? Now she really had me reeling. So I began explaining in full detail my medical history - "Yes, I have seen Dr. C before but both previous pregnancies resulted in miscarriage." What I really wanted to say was, why don't you just check my medical records? It's all there in black and white. As soon as she shut the door behind her, I pointed to the tissue box on the counter and the water works began.

While Leo was attempting to calm my fears, another doctor (Dr. C's wife) came in with a computer tablet asking me for my signature to release my medical records from Dr. J's office and then finally, an hour and ten minutes after my scheduled appointment, Dr. C entered the room. I probably looked like a hot mess by then but he didn't really seem to notice. He performed a well woman exam (lucky me) and then finally, he used some sort of electric looking pen that he literally pulled out of his coat pocket to hear the heartbeat. My heart was beating faster and faster as the seconds turned into minutes. He kept moving the pen around but all we could hear was static. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and to stay present.

Finally, as moved down a bit more - we heard it. The heartbeat. Thank you, God. 

I of course began to tear up, again. And by this point, my head was pounding -- I had really worked myself up into a full-fledged tizzy. After we listened for a minute or so, Dr. C told us that now that a heartbeat has been confirmed, our chances of a miscarriage drops to 2%. Definitely music to my ears. Leo and I managed to get a few questions in before Dr. C gave me my release form to return back to work and left the room.

Part of me was angry at myself for getting so worked up but now that I've had some time to think about it, I have to believe that it's just a natural response of going through two very painful miscarriages. And also, all of this stress could have been avoided had the nurse simply explained why she was asking so many questions.

It's hard to suppress the fears that naturally present themselves in situations like this. Half the time, I don't even know they are there. Prior to the appointment, I felt fine. I slept well the night before and I didn't have any preconceived worries even walking into the doctor's office. It wasn't until things started to go wrong and questions were being asked that my fears were triggered.

A normal pregnant woman probably would have handled the situation much better than me and with very little stress or concern but I have to allow myself room for moments like this one because it is what is is - I wish I could change this knee-jerk reaction but I can't. All I can hope for is that the fears will lessen more and more over time and eventually they will be replaced by the normal fears that parents have when raising a child. What a time that will be, for both of us.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy