Happy Thoughts (Day 4)

If only I could capture them in jar and place them on my kitchen table for safe keeping. And there they would stay, until the need should arise, which is often these days. I try to focus on the good things. I listen to happy songs and avoid the sad ones. I only watch movies with happy endings, I pray and and I tell myself to "suck it up."  But despite all of my efforts, I still feel sad. Writing helps for a few days and then I start to feel  overwhelmed and maybe even a bit "over myself" and this whole blogging thing. Who am I anyway? My pain is not unique. It's just me. Frustrated and struggling to make it through.Three steps forward and two steps back. 

I try to make sense of everything.

I think about what may have happened to trigger these feelings.

It could be the lack of coffee in my system. As of today, I have been coffee free for five whole days - no small feat. Or more importantly, it could be the fact that my body is not responding to the Clomid. Nothing. Nada. Not even a hint. No cramping, bloating or dizzy spells. And not even the slightest bit of nausea. Pretty ironic that I am wishing I was feeling something horribly uncomfortable, like nausea. Truth: I'd do anything to feel morning sickness right about now. But today is day three out of five. Over half of the prescription is swimming through my body and its as if they were nothing more than sugar pills.

My happy place eludes me. Quickly slipping through my fingers. In the daytime, most of the time, I am good - great even. Then I come home, tired and aware of the impending heartache. I try to wave it off and send it on its way. Come back another day, like the song that children sing when rain comes to ruin their fun. I dig deep and let myself breathe in and out a few times. I try to think about the big picture. I force the images of the people I love in my head. To feel happy, whole and hopeful.

I had every intention to stay positive the whole way through but my tendencies towards protecting myself from possible bad news prevents me from letting that happen. I worry that I will be stuck here forever. In the pain. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be able to move forward. I want to feel as though I am living the life God intended me to live. I worry he'll think I'm ignoring all of the wonderful gifts and blessings he put in my life. Dismissing them like a spoiled child - when I grieve and pray for a miracle.

I say (write) things here I wouldn't normally say. Not even to my husband, my family or close friends. I know, it's strange because most of them will eventually read it all here anyway. But it's the perfect place for me. Here, I never have to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable. Or work hard to keep my pain and fears under wraps. My words are carefully constructed and organized. Never minced. And once I say (write) it, it's instantly validated at the touch of a (publish) button. No judgement. No "you should have done this" or "why haven't you tried this?" And most importantly, no uncomfortable silences or awkward pauses. Just my thoughts and feelings written down, right here, when I feel the need. Like tonight. Now. In this weak moment.

My pain is not unique. This is just me moving three steps forward and two steps back. And tomorrow is a new day.