The Date

Photo by: Bonnix

The date has been set. Our doctor's appointment to go over all of the test results and discuss our options is scheduled for Monday, October 4th at 9:15 a.m. And I'm scared.

Scared mostly of the unknown. That our situation is worse than we thought. Or that the options he presents us will be out of the question - financially. I am usually pretty optimistic in life but in this area - not so much. This situation has caused me to expect the worst first. To ensure that I am prepared for anything. I was optimistic early on. We both were but every time the rug was pulled from under us, we were completely caught off guard. And I wasn't diligent enough about protecting my heart.

These days, I am extremely diligent. I don't daydream about having kids anymore. (I used to...a lot) I don't wander around the baby aisle in Target or keep my eyes open for the best safety rated car seat. I haven't looked at my rumpled list of baby names in years. And the basket of baby items that sat in our guest bedroom for years was donated to the Salvation Army. Sad, I know. But this is what I had to do. For the sake of my sanity and my soul. I had to move on and focus on other things that would fill my heart: My faith in God, my relationship with Leo, my family, friends and work.

I've done pretty well, I think. My life today, is actually very different than what I would have ever imagined for myself. If someone had asked my ten years ago what I thought I'd be doing right now, I never would have guessed this. But that's okay. I can't deny that I am happy - overall with my life. It's full. busy. And good. I am blessed with many good people in my life.

But all of the good doesn't take the fear away. Some days I pray to God - I beg him to make my situation definite - either way. Good or bad. Don't make me make the decision because I don't know what the right answer is. Other days, I secretly wish for a glimmer of hope to continue on and try again. But for how long? Both roads have their own set of sacrifices, pain and guilt. Because there is no definite solution. No promise of a definite positive outcome. It's all a leap of faith with God's assistance, of course.

Thank goodness for him. I'd be crazy by now, if it weren't for my faith in God. In his love and grace. Our relationship is not perfect. Sometimes I question him and I complain. But at the end of the day, I need him in my life. Like water and air. So, on Monday, before Leo and I meet with the Doctor, I will say a little prayer. One last plea for strength, peace and most importantly, guidance with what promises to be the single most important decision we will make together. The date has been set.

Please pray for us!
XoXo