Our Choice

We met with our doctor this morning.

And although he was kind and extraordinarily patient, the information he was dispensing was dizzying for me. I found myself secretly wishing I'd brought a note pad and pen to write everything down to avoid missing or misunderstanding anything. He explained in great detail, our two very different "best case scenarios" and their individual success rates, the possible risks and side affects, and most importantly, the estimated costs. Artificial Insemination would cost $1K each time and they would only permit three rounds. In Vitro Fertilization would cost $15K.

Which before I move on, I have to ask a question - why aren't handouts available for this sort of thing? It seems like such an obvious need to me. It would be so much easier on the patient to have something tangible. To make an educated decision. And it would probably alleviate unnecessary stress and worrying because it would all be there on paper in black and white. Spelled out. Easy to refer back to. No more unnecessary phone calls to the Doctors office. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Back to the actual point of this post: We discussed our options in great detail and asked lots of questions. Dr. Jacobson took the extra time to sketch a quick drawing of how artificial insemination works. My main question (ie. fear) was whether or not another miscarriage could be prevented. I had hoped he'd have a better answer but it is a very definite possible outcome for me, based on my history and my age. I must of been pretty transparent because without missing a beat, he handed me a box of tissue and the tears began to fall. (sigh)

I guess I sort of panicked. You know me. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life and I'm just not comfortable with uncertainty. And I certainly would never choose to put myself at risk for another gutt-wrenching miscarriage, especially if I could prevent it. I needed a definite answer because when all is said and done, its difficult not to feel like I am the problem. Would I be opening myself up to another failure and more guilt? Or if we decide to walk away, would I have regret, or even worse, would Leo resent me for giving up?

Thankfully, Dr. Jacobson kept calm. He seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. He even seemed to slow down his sentences, obviously for my benefit. He didn't sugar coat anything nor did he go out of his way to give us false hope. He just stuck with what he could do. What he could control. The tears stopped almost as fast as they had started because it was easy to see that he genuinely cared. We asked for some time to consider our options but as soon as he left the room, we very quickly made our decision. To try. We decided to try (gulp) artificial insemination, after Homecoming Weekend - sometime in mid to late November, depending on my cycle.

On our way out of the doctor's office, we were given a handout, (thank goodness!) that outlined the steps for our first round of artificial insemination. I have to admit, I am a bit nervous about giving myself injections but at the end of the day, we got our much needed answers and "best case scenarios" so we were able to leave feeling confident and hopeful. Confident in our choice and hopeful for a positive outcome.