Knee-Jerk Reactions

Leo and I had our first visit with the OBGYN today. I love my doctor but we always end up waiting well beyond our appointment time to be called into the room and then it's another twenty to thirty minutes of more waiting. And today was no exception. When my name was finally called, we were taken into a room near the back of the building and Leo noticed right away that there wasn't any equipment to perform an ultrasound. It seemed strange to both of us, considering that this was our first visit. 

A few minutes later, the nurse took my vitals so I asked her if an ultrasound had been scheduled as part of today's visit. She didn't seem too sure either way so I politely asked if I could request one. Seemed like an easy enough request, right? She then asked me what kind of insurance I had and after telling her, she said it shouldn't be a problem and that I should definitely ask him. In my head I immediately thought - why can't you ask him ahead of time? - that way, if he says yes, I can be moved into the appropriate room. Made perfect sense to me but it didn't seem very obvious to her.

So, there I am sitting on the table, feeling a bit agitated and staring at a poster on the door that just happens to be advertising a drug that prevents pregnancy for up to three years. Perfect! (I won't go into how insane that idea sounds to someone like me)

I was attempting to busy my mind by reading the endless side effects when the nurse walked in again and asked if I had any documented proof of pregnancy. What? I didn't quite understand the question at first so naturally I immediately thought the worst. Was she insinuating that my urine test had come back negative? I know. This must sound very crazy coming from someone who has already had two successful ultrasounds but my head was so not in a good place at this point. And obviously, not in a very rationale one either. 

A few minutes later, the same nurse came in again and asked if I had seen Dr. C before? Wait - what? Now she really had me reeling. So I began explaining in full detail my medical history - "Yes, I have seen Dr. C before but both previous pregnancies resulted in miscarriage." What I really wanted to say was, why don't you just check my medical records? It's all there in black and white. As soon as she shut the door behind her, I pointed to the tissue box on the counter and the water works began.

While Leo was attempting to calm my fears, another doctor (Dr. C's wife) came in with a computer tablet asking me for my signature to release my medical records from Dr. J's office and then finally, an hour and ten minutes after my scheduled appointment, Dr. C entered the room. I probably looked like a hot mess by then but he didn't really seem to notice. He performed a well woman exam (lucky me) and then finally, he used some sort of electric looking pen that he literally pulled out of his coat pocket to hear the heartbeat. My heart was beating faster and faster as the seconds turned into minutes. He kept moving the pen around but all we could hear was static. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and to stay present.

Finally, as moved down a bit more - we heard it. The heartbeat. Thank you, God. 

I of course began to tear up, again. And by this point, my head was pounding -- I had really worked myself up into a full-fledged tizzy. After we listened for a minute or so, Dr. C told us that now that a heartbeat has been confirmed, our chances of a miscarriage drops to 2%. Definitely music to my ears. Leo and I managed to get a few questions in before Dr. C gave me my release form to return back to work and left the room.

Part of me was angry at myself for getting so worked up but now that I've had some time to think about it, I have to believe that it's just a natural response of going through two very painful miscarriages. And also, all of this stress could have been avoided had the nurse simply explained why she was asking so many questions.

It's hard to suppress the fears that naturally present themselves in situations like this. Half the time, I don't even know they are there. Prior to the appointment, I felt fine. I slept well the night before and I didn't have any preconceived worries even walking into the doctor's office. It wasn't until things started to go wrong and questions were being asked that my fears were triggered.

A normal pregnant woman probably would have handled the situation much better than me and with very little stress or concern but I have to allow myself room for moments like this one because it is what is is - I wish I could change this knee-jerk reaction but I can't. All I can hope for is that the fears will lessen more and more over time and eventually they will be replaced by the normal fears that parents have when raising a child. What a time that will be, for both of us.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Somebody Pinch Me

Somebody pinch me - I am officially in my twelfth week!

Soon, I will be safely out of my first trimester and securely fastened into my second. That fact makes me giddy. Sometimes it still feels like a really good dream. The kind of dream that seems too good to be true or the ones that make you wish you could go back to sleep but can't, no matter how hard you try.

Slowly but surely, my guard has come down. I've finally allowed myself to really and truly enjoy this pregnancy. Case in point: I made my first trip to a maternity store and I even purchased a couple of things. Words cannot fully express the feelings I felt as I walked around the store, stealing glances at other pregnant women with their tummies in full effect. Smiling, as their little tykes ran around, laughing and playing while their Mommies shopped. It was a good feeling. I left feeling happy and lighter than air.    

Things are definitely changing for Leo and I, too. Perceptions. Goals. Priorities, for sure. And the wheels in my head have been a' turning at a crazy pace lately. I love that I have all the time in the world to do just that. to think and figure things out. There were some major lay-off's at Leo's work a few weeks ago. It definitely makes us wonder if his job is going to last much longer. It's scary and also disheartening to see loyal employees who have given the best years of their life literally discarded with very little explanation. We both just continue to pray that both of our job remain necessary for the long-haul.

I've been keeping myself busy the last few weeks by working on our upcoming silent auction to raise money for Walk Now for Autism Speaks, which is scheduled for Friday, April 8th. All of the silent auction items are nearly ready and final event details should be secured by the end of this week. We've received some very generous donations from perfect strangers - a definite show of humanity. People helping People - I love it. I just pray that we have a good turn-out of guests. (Tickets are $25 per person - please email me if you would like to attend!) I will definitely keep all of you posted on the outcome. I am very happy to report that as a team, we have already raised almost $7,000.00!

Our next doctor's appointment is this Wednesday at 3:00 pm with the OBGYN - our first visit with him as we no longer have to be seen by the fertility specialist. (for obvious reasons) And then I will either be released to go back to work or not. I am leaving it in the Doctor's (and God's) hands. Either way, I am just feeling blessed to be right here. Alive. Breathing. Thinking. Dreaming. Loving and enjoying my life.

Enjoy the Day!   

Missy

A Rough Night

We had a rough night last night - spending nearly six hours in the emergency room. The baby is fine. It was just me that was needing some reprieve from a blistering headache that wouldn't seem to go away. I had woke up that morning with congestion in my chest and a horrible, almost indescribable headache. I laid around most of the day with the lights and the television off to try to avoid having to take aspirin but it just persisted. 

Later that evening, I went to bed at around 8:30 pm but instead of sleeping, I tossed and turned, squeezing my head with both hands to try and alleviate some of the pressure. Two hours later, when I got up to use the restroom, I felt feverish, dizzy and lightheaded, which was the final straw for me: it was time to go to the emergency room. And let me just say, that was the LAST place I wanted to go. I don't like emergency rooms for obvious reasons - it's a room full of sick people. Even people who aren't typically germ phobic probably think the same thing - what else am I going to catch in the place? But I kept thinking, what if all of this is affecting the baby? It's not just about me anymore.

We arrived at 10:30 pm to a room full of people and my heart sank. All I could think was I should have come earlier because we were going to be here for hours, which meant no sleep for either of us. We checked in and thankfully found a spot in the far corner. Two television sets were on and there were people talking, texting, playing video games and the lights were super bright - not a very conducive environment for a splitting headache.

Two hours into our wait, a woman was wheeled in to the emergency room, her head and body covered in a  blanket. I won't go into the details but the image is definitely not one that I will soon forget. Part of me felt so badly for her - praying that she would be okay but the other part of me - the part that was feeling very sick and "out of it" just wanted it to be over. I kept praying they would call my name every time I heard the doors open because by this point, I was feeling nauseous and was (internally) panicking over the possibility of getting sick in the emergency room bathroom.  
   
Finally, a little after 2:00 am I was admitted and assigned to a room. The doctor ordered some blood work and fluids via an IV. An hour and a half later, we found out that the primary diagnosis was a viral infection. The secondary diagnosis was dehydration, which caused the headache and dizziness. After the IV was finished, I was given a prescription for the nausea and was told I could take Tylenol or Aspirin for the headache. It was 4:00 am and we were (finally) headed home.

I had never been happier to be in my own bed and thankfully, I am feeling much better this morning. But most importantly, I am SO relieved that our little bean wasn't affected in any way.  

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Quick Update

Image Credit

Good News - our second ultrasound went great! Doctor says everything looks good and I'm definitely nine weeks pregnant - based on the measurements. This was such an important day and not just because we (finally) made it past the 8th week but because I think for the first time, we both felt like we could really breath and enjoy this pregnancy. Yay! I only have a few more weeks before I go back to work so I definitely plan to make the best of this time I have left to relax, daydream, write and most importantly - to nest!

P.S. Sending all of you a great big hug to thank you for your love, encouragement and prayers

Enjoy the Day!
Missy  

The Three C's (Casual, Comfortable...and Converse)

I had been avoiding going shopping for weeks but yesterday a 30% off coupon that I received in the mail from Kohl's was literally screaming out for me to put it to good use. Plus, I figured I could use the exercise.

I walked in the doors of my local Kohl's at about 11:00 am, grabbed a shopping cart and hit the ground running. (ok, so I didn't actually run, it was more like a slow even paced walk) My first stop was the intimates section where I found two bras in the clearance racks - score! Then I hit my favorite section - the dressier spring-y side of the women's clothing section. I really wanted to buy some nicer blouses as most of the ones I own are already getting tight in some places.(I know...already!)

I went in to the dressing room with nearly twenty items stuffed into my cart but after trying them on, my pile quickly dwindled down to two pairs of casual cargo-like pants and a v-neck casual cotton blend top. I was bummed and wondered....um, I'm only 9 weeks pregnant - what am I going to be wearing in four months, five months, and on and on. I just couldn't seem to find anything that fit me right.

Next, I tried the casual section, where 100% cotton seems to rule the racks. I myself have never been a huge fan of cotton, mostly because it seems to hug my body in all the wrong places, especially after a couple of washes. For good measure, I tried on a couple of things but all I could think was, yuck! So my last ditch effort was the maternity section. I knew I wouldn't buy anything - I just wanted to see what kind of selection they had. Let's just say they don't have a selection. Not one item caught my eye. So sad.

My last ditch effort was a trip to the shoe section. I was hoping that if I could find a really cute pair of flat sandals, I wouldn't feel so...blah. No such luck with the sandals but strangely enough, I found myself wandering the tennis shoes aisles where I stumbled upon a really cute pair of Converse tennis shoes. I tried them on and thought, Hmm...now these are promising. They are not usually my style, in fact I don't think I've ever owned a pair of Converse before but I thought, why not? They are definitely comfortable and they were on sale too so it was pretty much a done deal.

I ended up finding another cotton blend top that went with the cargo pants I had already snagged earlier on so I ended up with two decent casual outfits - thank goodness. And the best part was that all in all, I walked out of Kohl's with two 3-packs of Hanes T-shirts for Leo, two bras, two pairs of pants, two tops and a pair of tennis shoes for $100.00 - not bad if I do say so myself.

And I guess I figured out my style for this pregnancy:  casual and comfortable all the way, at least for now while I am still off work but I am definitely going to need to find some other stores for maternity clothes, probably in the next couple of weeks so if you know of any good ones that are relatively inexpensive, please share!

Blissful Lingering and Completely Present

I have been missing in action lately, I know. It's funny - I have all the time in the world now to blog yet I really haven't made the time. I have a pretty regular schedule though. I found out very quickly that I needed a schedule to keep me sane in this very quiet house of ours. I wake up at around 8am, eat a breakfast that usually consists of cereal or oatmeal, take a shower and get dressed - not because I have anywhere to go but because it makes me feel less like a bum. Then it's time to hit the computer to check email and work on our upcoming family fundraiser to raise money for Autism.

I take many breaks throughout the morning to use the restroom and snack on baby carrots, edamame and lots of water. Next, I might straighten up the house and put in a load of laundry while watching an episode of My Baby Story. (Love TLC these days) Then it's time to walk down to our mailbox to pick up our mail, hoping for some nice surprises in the form of in-kind donations. Lunch usually consists of a turkey sandwich, baked lays and a pickle and not because I'm pregnant but because I've always loved pickles. 



My afternoons are usually spent reading Safe Haven, by Nicholas Sparks. I am nearly half way to the end of the book, which makes me a bit sad. Then it's time to prep dinner, which can vary greatly these days, depending on my tummy. The television is typically tuned into Ellen almost every day at 4pm - I love her show, always up-beat and filled with laughter.

Then I anxiously wait for Leo to arrive home from work so that we can sit down at the table and eat dinner together. As he talks about the events of his day, I usually catch myself thinking, I really don't have much to offer in the way of conversation these days and I wonder, is this what it feels like to be a stay at home wife/mother? Where your life literally revolves around your husband and child? (I'm guessing on the child part)

I've always been pretty independent, always looking for something to try or accomplish. And if I am being very honest, my life has always revolved around my work. And not because it is more important to me than my marriage or my family and friends but because working hard (more often than not) equals financial stability, which is very important to me. But I have also always defined myself by my abilities and successes at work. Which, I don't believe is all bad but there is SO much more to me. I can see that clearer, now more than ever.  

In just these past few weeks that I have been home alone with my thoughts, I've learned a lot about myself. Like that I enjoy being "in the mix." (But really...who doesn't? Anyone?) And I require a certain amount of human interaction per day, whether through a phone or face to face conversation. Thank God for email, text messaging, lunch dates and surprise phone calls from family and friends who check in on me on a regular basis. (Thank you!)

I am really enjoying this time to be be still and quiet, dilly-dallying through my day, relaxing and preparing for a very different soon-to-be future. And I am also spending a lot of time praying. In a previous post titled Linger More, I had been dreaming and hoping for a time when I could do just that: linger more. What a blessing this pregnancy has been already. Every day I feel stronger and more and more confident because I know that I am ready and completely prepared for this. And for the first time in my life, I am finally feeling completely present in my own life. I am no longer just a spectator. I guess that's the power of lingering! 

Update: our next ultrasound is scheduled for this Friday at 8am!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy