Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Pardon Me

Pardon me - it's just me, the author of this blog. So sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. My life you see has become much bigger than just My Life & Everything in Between. The more accurate title would now be My Life with Leo, Jacob and a Full-Time Job...and Everything in Between.

Not that I'm complaining - I wouldn't trade my current life for a million dollars, no thank you. It's just that life today is SO very different than I could have ever imagined. I live, sleep, breathe and eat being Jacob's Mom and I've learned a great deal over the past 8 months. That's right, Jacob is a little over 8 months old now. I still can't believe it myself - even typing it out doesn't seem to make it any more believable.

The biggest lesson for me by far has been realizing that it's easy to be the very best Mom when everything is going right but when things are going wrong - now that's a whole other story. For instance, when Jacob gets sick, I can sometimes "freak out." Granted, for the most part, they are internal "freak outs" but even still, I know I need to be more cool, calm and collected. Let's just say that this not-so-little task has definitely been added to my list of things to work on. Just don't ask me about it when things are going wrong :)

There have been other things, too that I've learned:

1. You can only be the best Mom YOU can be 
2. Having several spare outfits is very, very important
3. You can NEVER have too many wipes in the diaper bag
4. When in doubt, follow your heart
5. Expect to make mistakes
6. There will be lots of tears and I'm not referring to the baby
7. Sleeping is a luxury, not a necessity 
8. Feeling guilt when you are a working Mom is a given - focus on the positives
9. The best daycare provider doesn't have to be the most expensive
10. They LOVE nothing more than to laugh and play - forget the expensive toys

Thank you for keeping me on your reading list - I promise I will do my best to post more.What would I do without you, I'm not quite sure. I am constantly thinking of those of you who are TTC and those of you who are carrying - I am praying for a healthy, easy and safe pregnancy.

Miracles happen every day!
Jacob is definitely proof of that! 

Missy

Even Miracles Take A Little Time

My miracle took 9 years. And even now, It's almost impossible for me to forget. And maybe I don't want to as crazy as that may sound.

Being labeled "infertile" was all I knew until just a little over a year ago. Until then, I woke up nearly every day wondering when I would become a Mom. Naturally, there were moments in between when I would throw my hands in the air and vow to move on but it just wasn't possible because usually within a day or two I was back to praying - wishing - hoping for a miracle.

How could I ever let go of this dream?

It wasn't as if I was wishing to be rich or famous. I wasn't dreaming of going to Europe or fancying an expensive sports car with all the bells and whistles. I didn't yearn to be a Pulitzer Prize winner or even a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. My dream was simple and very natural because of the obvious - with my being a woman and all. And never in a million years could I have ever guessed that I would one day face two miscarriages, a failed artficial insemination and a infertility diagnosis but I am so glad that I didn't give up. I have always tried to look at the bright side of things so when I think of the past 9 years, this is what I focus on:

1. My husband and I got to travel
2. I was able to figure out what I was meant to do in life
3. I never would have had the chance to connect with you!
4. I may not have started writing again

Today, I am a Mom and I couldn't be happier with that fact. And my heart will never forget the past 9 years but I am more than okay with that because it wasn't all bad. In fact, there were some pretty wonderful memories in there too. And I wholeheartedly believe that I am a better person and a better Mom today as a result.

I made many mistakes along the way and I endured more than I ever thought was possible but I also persevered and I learned so much about inner strength and the power of human connection - even when the connections are solely made through blog posts, emails and Facebook comments. (I could never really thank you all enough!)

Today and always, I truly hope that I can still be here for those of you who are still praying, wishing and hoping for a miracle. I say this often but I could never really say it enough - never lose hope!

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Visit Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope at: http://facesofloss.com/

P.P.G.

P.P.G, also known as Party Planning Girl.

This was the name I was quickly given by my co-workers at ADP, a data processing company where I worked for nearly four years. It didn't take long for them to see the gleam in my eye when someone mentioned there was a shower or a birthday celebration to plan. I jumped at the chance to help several co-workers in the months leading up to their weddings and ended up being their "go to" person on the day of their big day and I loved every minute of it. 

From a very early age I loved to plan, organize and execute parties and I was pretty good at it, too. But when I got out of high school I had no idea that I could actually get paid to this type of work. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my days in office type positions. Luckily for me, the constant encouragement I received  from my co-workers helped motivate me to take the leap of faith and leave the security of a stable, great paying job.

With very little real-life experience I applied for a job in the catering department at several local golf courses in the area and to my surprise, I landed an assistant position for the Director of Catering at Shandin Hills Golf Course. I was finally getting paid to do what I loved - it was a dream come true for me. Unfortunately, the honeymoon period didn't last long. I loved the job itself and the brides who inevitably became my friends and the pay was amazing but the hours - they were horrible. In those six months, I worked every single weekend and the hours were long. Very long.

By this time Leo and I were married and we barely saw each other so I knew I couldn't stay. My heart was broken knowing I had to find a job with better hours. For several years I ended up working in the private sector of the Foster Care industry and I really enjoyed it. I started out as a clerical staff member but in the end, I was fundraising, organizing toy drives, cultivating relationships and partnerships in the community and  twice a year, planning events for the kids.

A few years later, I knew it was time for me to find something that involved more event planning so I applied for several positions. One of openings was in the Alumni Relations Office for the University of La Verne. The job description made mention to some event related tasks but after I submitted my online application I didn't hear anything for weeks. About a month later I received the phone call to interview for the job and after several rounds of interviews with various groups of people, the position was offered to someone who already worked on campus.

I was crushed to say the least. 

For a few days I sulked wishing the call had gone differently and I started to really wonder - was this the industry for me? Should I just resolve myself to being happy in a stable office type position? Maybe I was asking for or expecting too much out of life? And worse yet, I wondered if I had made the right decision to leave ADP in the first place. But then that very next Monday I received a phone call from the University only this time they offered me the job!

I have since been with the University for nearly four years and I can honestly say that l love coming to work every day. With any job, there are challenges I face every day - deadlines, last minute additions and changes, and circumstances I have no control over despite my futile attempts but the job itself suits me to a "t." I love working alongside my co-workers and I enjoy meeting and getting to know our alumni. And the best part is, I can be as crazy organized and detail oriented as I want to be and without apologies. 

I say all of this to show you that it is possible to find the career you are meant to have. Just think about what you are passionate about and figure out what industry is best suited for you based on that passion. And don't give up when it doesn't happen right away. My path to La Verne took me eleven years but I wouldn't trade all of the experiences I had in that time for anything now. I'm so glad I took the leap of faith. And most of all, I feel very fortunate to have had such supportive co-workers who pushed and encouraged me to find my life's passion.

Now it's my turn to encourage you - what is your life's passion?

Missy

Hold On To Hope

Image Source

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I given up. That's quite an opening statement, I know but this basic question has been on my mind for days now and I'm not even sure why. Things on the new-mom front are going overall really well. Jacob and I have sort of eased into a easy-going schedule and I couldn't feel more happy and fulfilled. 

Today, at 7 weeks old he is a pretty active baby - he loves more than anything to be bounced on my lap.
I know that sounds a bit crazy for his age but true. He's smiling and coo-ing a lot more now and he is so much more aware of his surroundings. I still watch him in awe when he's not looking, wondering what he's thinking about at that very moment.

The other day I noticed that his legs are too long for him to lay on my lap facing me and  he's already getting too big to take baths in the kitchen sink - when did this happen? He's growing so fast and yet, I still wonder - what if I had given up?

I wouldn't have his hands to hold or his feet to tickle. I wouldn't be able to smell the top of his head or watch him smile when I say aaa-booo! I wouldn't be able to witness all of the milestones that have already happened or the ones just in sight. Jacob is growing every day and every day I am reminded that dreams do come true - you just have to hold on to hope.

I know - easier said than done. I waited a long time for Jacob so I know that it can be a difficult, stressful and painful road but through the waiting, the hoping and the praying, I was able to figure out who I really was and what I was willing to go through to make my dream a reality and in the end, it was all worth it. Every doctors visit and medical test, every injection and blood draw, every hour spent researching and investigating and every last ovulation and pregnancy test. (and there were probably hundreds)   

  

Hope is a funny thing - sometimes it seems elusive but then when the one thing you always wanted happens, it instantly becomes tangible and you wonder why you doubted hope all along.

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy 

Dissaray, Entitlement and Gaining Perspective

This morning I decided to take a break from getting my house back in order after getting new carpet installed yesterday. As I logged into facebook, I was feeling really overwhelmed by the amount of work still needing to be done until I saw the above image on my news feed and I immediately felt silly and selfish. My issue of having a house in dissaray seems non-existent in comparison to the countless people out there who live every day without adequate food, clothing and shelter.

It also reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago. She is having problems with her 29-year old daughter who just recently quit trade school without any explanation and moved back home - no job and no car. My friend's life was completely turned upside down in a matter of days because her daughter decided she didn't want to be a grown up anymore. She was back to expecting her laundry done, her shopping list not only paid for but picked up and her meals cooked and plate washed after every meal.

This apparently freed her up not to go out and look for a job but to shop on her mom's dime and party till all hours of the night, then sleep all day. My friend loves her daughter very much so she gives in every time, thinking she is only doing what a parent should do but I have to wonder (despite my lack of experience) is this the right thing to do? Is she teaching her daughter anything by doing everything for her? Enabling her to continue wasting her life away partying and sleeping all day?

We all have a tendency to forget that it is OUR life after all, nobody else's and entitlement for some reason seems to be running rampant these days. "You are my Mom - therefore you should ALWAYS support me." This is a very large pill for me to swallow - it just doesn't seem right and where does the feeling of entitlement come from? I can tell you that from what I have seen, it can cause a great deal of guilt, anguish and stress for any mother who loves their child.

I wish I could help my friend more - all I could really do is listen and offer my encouragement and support. I wish we all could pay more attention to those who have very little or nothing at all instead of focusing our attention to the material things we want and worse yet, forcing those closest to us to adhere to our wishes and wants. Life isn't about the things we posess, it's about the relationships we build, the memories we create and the obstacles we overcome.

When others do for us, we miss out on the feeling of real accomplishment. When we've done something all by ourselves - regardless of the work, blood, sweat and sometimes tears - the things we work hardest for are usually the same things that reap the best rewards. It's easy to lose sight of this especially when you are in the trenches and feeling completely overwhelmed but it is possible to pull ourselves out of the situation long enough to gain some persepective, like the image above that was posted on somebody's wall this morning.

I'm glad that I took the time to log in to facebook because I see now how silly my feelings were - perspective gained by one powerful image. It's easy to look away and toss the lesson to be learned aside, especially when the image is not a happy one, but in my experience, you usually gain so much more.

How does this image change the way you see your current situation or life?

Enjoy the Day!

Missy

Jacob's Parents

Image provided by Ravenessences

I've been having more than my usual share of random thoughts lately. Like wondering that color eyes Jacob will have, will he be a lefty or a righty, will he have his Dad's smile or mine or more importantly, where will we draw the line in the sand with regards to disciplining him.

I've also been thinking a great deal about the things I want to instill in him - to ensure that he will be a beautiful person inside and out. And not just to the people he is naturally drawn to but to everyone he comes into contact with. This includes the people who will challenge him, offend him and even anger or upset him because I truly believe that being "ugly" to someone will only further aggravate the situation and absolutely nothing good can come out of it.

I want Jacob to be respectful of others; respectful of their religious preferences and their lifestyles. I want him to see that the best way to live your life is to lead by example, not by judging others or throwing stones. I want him to be a happy child, confident and filled with the belief that he can do anything he puts his mind to. For him to feel loved always but also to feel secure enough to go out into the world - when it is time - to live his own life, find his life's passion and enjoy all of the experiences out there waiting for him.

I want him to feel good about his upbringing, knowing that we did the best we could and for him to do the same with his own children. I want him to play fair and take a loss like anyone should - with grace. When he is old enough, I want him to be aware that their are children out there who don't have what he has -
forget the cell phone, the WII games or the nike shoes - kids who don't even have a roof over their heads and food to eat.

I want Jacob to do whatever suits him - whether it is sports or joining clubs and organizations at school or just spending time with his friends. Or not. Because Jacob will have choices. Some of the basic choices, we will make for him, especially early on but when he is old enough, it will be up to him to decide. Of course, we'd love to see him go to College but if it's not in the cards, again, we will respect his decision because only he can decide what is best for him.

All of these things are important to me. I've lived my life a certain way partly because it is in my nature but also because I believe that my parents, relatives, friends and co-workers instilled these things in me over the years. I want the very same for Jacob - constantly inspired and motivated by those around him to do more, live life to it's fullest and learn from and appreciate every person who is put in his path. I am positive that Leo and I will make many, many mistakes along the way but we are also ready and willing to learn from them and figure out how best to handle the situation the next time around.

For years, we've been praying and waiting for this new chapter in our lives to begin - it sort of feels like we've won the lottery and because of that, we want to ensure that Jacob has every possible opportunity to live a happy life that is full of great memories, amazing experiences, friendship, love, hard work and fun. No rock left unturned. Whatever obstacles come our way, (and there will be many, I'm sure) we will do whatever it takes - together - to get through to the other side, still feeling utterly blessed and grateful for the opportunity to be Jacob's parents.

(I still LOVE the sound of that!)

Enjoy your Sunday! 

Missy  

Showers of Love

Image Courtesy of Sweet Little Smoothie

The idea of me having a baby shower, much less four is still crazy sounding to my very own ears. Even with two very beautiful showers already come and gone and one tomorrow, I am still waiting for someone to pinch me or for the morning light to bring the realization that the past few months have been nothing but a really sweet dream.

Crazy, I know but I've been literally dreaming about this magical time in my life for nearly 10 years. Even longer if you count the time I spent daydreaming prior to me meeting Leo - soon to be known as Jacob's Dad. (I LOVE the sound of that!) Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family and in less than 6 weeks, my dream will finally come true.

A few weeks ago, the women that I work with at the University of La Verne threw me a baby shower - and what a shower it was! Everything was so incredibly perfect and beautiful, from the carefully thought out menu to the decorations and environment in which it all played out in. I felt completely loved and supported.

Then a few weeks later Leo's family threw us another shower - this time it was a surprise and yes, I was in fact very surprised. I was thinking we were about to celebrate Leo's sister's birthday so we even showed up with gift in hand. Words could never fully express how nice it was to be able to celebrate this miracle that is about to arrive in just a few weeks with Leo's parents, siblings, aunts, cousins and close friends of the family.

Both days will be moments in both our lives that we won't ever forget. Without a doubt.

Tomorrow is my friend's shower and I am very excited about it. Excited to see faces I haven't seen in days,  months and even years. A few I haven't seen since High School - nearly 20 years ago to be exact. What a special day this is bound to be. Many of them have been supporting me for years via email, facebook, cards, phone calls and text messages. Some of them are previous co-workers from the many jobs I've had over the years. And others I've met through fundraising events I've organized and parties I've attended. Yes, it will be another great moment and I can't wait.

I guess that is the best part about rainy days - there will always be a rainbow at the end to look forward to. That's how I look at this whole experience. I had to go through some rain to get to the sunny, clear days filled with lots and lots of color. And if anyone ever asked me if it was worth it, without even hesitating, I'd say most definitely YES!

Thank you for supporting me through my rainy days!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy  

25 Weeks: No Excuses - Just Do It.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and everything is still going really great. I'm sleeping and eating well. My energy level is good and I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work during the week and with projects around the house - mostly decluttering and getting rid of clothes and things we don't use. (Last week I took at least 5 bags of clothing to the thrift store plus a few boxes of "stuff" = good progress)

I've also been making it my mission to stay on a schedule so that we don't end up with way too much to get done in September because it will undoubtedly be my busiest month at work with Homecoming Weekend in early October. And I'm pretty determined to do it all - the hospital tour, lamaze classes, breastfeeding classes and CPR training because I want to make it a priority to do it all - no matter how busy things get.

But I have noticed a change in me - or rather something that is more prominent than normal.  I've just sort of been in this "no excuses, just do it" mentality and as a result, I've been struggling a lot lately with relating to and being there for others. I guess it's because my reaction is to get down to business, solve the problem and stay away from any impending drama. And often the hardest part for me is figuring out why others can't come to the same conclusion on their own.

I just truly believe that if you are not happy - if you are not living the life you want to live, then you are the only person who can change it. Not Mom and Dad, not your siblings, not even your closest friends. Trust me, I've tried and failed miserably at fixing other people's problems. As a friend, I have found that my only role should be to listen, make suggestions and then support the final decision - whatever that may be. And I can pray about it in hopes that everything works out for the best.

We all have at one point or another been in a bad situation but how we handle them - how we choose to prepare ourselves to manage while we are in the midst of it and how we plan to overcome and get past them is the most important part. Of course we can kick and scream, complain and point fingers in the opposite direction but at the end of the day, it's not going to do us a bit of good because we all have choices. Venting is necessary to process and figure things out but it should never stop there.

I wish life could be easier for all of us but it just isn't. There are challenges to face and obstacles to overcome. Issues to solve and problems to fix. I'm not even sure why this subject is so prominent on my mind - especially on a night like this - the 4th of July. The only thing that makes sense is that maybe my being able to get pregnant after so many years has made me more confident in my abilities to do what ever it takes - to never ever give up and to always live live to the fullest, even while you are working on your dreams.

I read a post tonight that asked the question, "When is it time to give up?" My answer is always going to be never. Because in my experience, even when you think you've given up, your heart will never fully allow it. Do whatever it takes today. Don't wait for tomorrow, next week or next month. And don't expect or wait for others to change your life - it's not their life to change. No more excuses: just do it - do whatever it takes to create the life YOU want. Why? Because you deserve it!

Spring Forward

Spring is definitely here. As I sit here typing away at my kitchen table, I can hear the birds chirping outside. The house is picked up and Sunny and Quincy are sleeping peacefully on the couch. I've been thinking a lot lately about the life I've had so far. I know, I know - pretty heavy stuff for a lazy Sunday afternoon but I can't help it. 

It's difficult for me not to feel completely blessed - I've had a very full life. And I'm not just talking happy-happy, joy-joy moments. I've pretty much experienced every emotion a human being can have in their lifetime. I've experienced my share of bad break-ups but I've also been lucky enough to marry the man of my dreams. I know what it's like to go without but I also know what it's like to be able to get everything I've ever imagined and more.

I've experienced more than my share of death but even more joyous additions to my family and community. I've been through terrible heartbreaks but also moments when I thought my heart would burst with joy. I've stumbled through messes but always managed to learn from them and move on a better person. I've had moments where I've felt completely isolated and alone but many more moments where I've felt filled with the knowledge that I am loved and very much cared for.

I've cried the full-on, gutt-wrenching, body shaking ugly-face looking kind of cry but I've also had the privilege of feeling as though my life couldn't get any better, through a smile from ear-to-ear.

I've been disappointed more times than I can count but I've also had my confidence in others fully restored. I've second guessed my path on more than one occasion but eventually I have landed right where I was meant to be. That's life, I suppose. Life isn't always happy endings but it's not all bad either. It's important to appreciate and reflect on both sides of the coin because I think it's the key to really feeling the full effect of true happiness.

We have to remember that in a split second, anything can change. Bad things happen to everyone - not just to good people. Whether we want to accept it or not, both kinds of experiences are necessary in life, vital even. 

Life is ride - a great big road of lessons. How we handle them - how we cope and learn from them will determine the quality of life that we live. And luckily for us, we have each other to lean on when times are hard. To soften the blow and offer comfort and guidance into the next stage in our lives. I'll be 38 next month and I can honestly say that I have never felt happier in my life, armed with the countless lessons and experiences I've had - to guide and strengthen me.   

I feel completely whole and prepared for the next stage in my life. I'm ready for anything - good or bad - that comes my way and I thank God everyday for the life I've had. I will continue to pray for those of you who are struggling through the hard times - trying to find and make sense of the lessons that are difficult to see at first. I will pray that you will soon find peace and comfort. I know it's hard. It's still fresh in my mind but always remember - we are all in this together.

Thank you to all of you who have been there for me over the years and especially for the past two. It's been a crazy ride but I'm stronger every day because of my faith in God and also because of all of you. Your friendship and love means more to me than you will ever know.

Spring is definitely here. I looked up the word just now and one of the definitions for Spring is to move forward - how fitting!

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy

I dreamed about you

When I was a little girl, I spent many days and nights dreaming about you. I dreamed about what our life would look like: two cute kids, a cat and maybe a dog living in a modest home - minus the picket fence. I thought about the goals we'd set and the dreams we'd make come true. The experiences we'd share, the trips we'd take as a family and the traditions we'd enjoy and carry on. Lazy Saturday morning breakfasts spent at home and holidays split between our parent's homes.

I didn't meet you at a mutual friend's party or at a local hang-out. I didn't run into you on a crowded street or at a family member's wedding. Our story began at a sporting goods store in Montclair, CA - where we both worked. Not the most romantic start of a story but I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that you were the one for SO many reasons. Your smile - infectious. Your gaze - dizzying. Quiet and soft spoken. Your loving spirit and kind soul was evident to everyone who knew you and it was definitely not lost on me.

Quite the contrary - I was smitten.      

As we spent more time together, conversation became easy and I remember us laughing a lot. I loved every minute of those first couple of months we spent together, holding hands, just you and me. Days spent at the beach, talking for hours about our lives, our fears, our hopes and our aspirations. Discussing in great detail what we wanted in our relationship as well as what we didn't want. 

Gravity seemed to take over and I was head over heels in love

When you asked me to officially be your girlfriend, I remember thinking, "I must be the luckiest girl alive" and when you asked me to be your wife on Valentine's Day, I thought to myself, "I can't imagine being any happier than right now...in this moment."  

The best part is I still feel the same way today. Eleven years later and my love for you only continues to grow and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone but you. I love that we have tons of history and I enjoy remembering the trips we've taken, the events we've attended arm in arm, the un-planned trips to the beach, the late night conversations and early morning cuddling - the restaurants we've discovered and the sentimental gifts we've given each other over the years. It all amounts to lots and lots of sweet memories.

The picture of our life today is very different from from the picture I envisioned all those years ago but through our love for each other, the bond we share and the many blessings we have been given, the picture of our life has been beautifully edited and cropped just so to reflect only joy and happiness.

To the Man of my Dreams:

Happy Valentine's Day! 

xoxo, 

Missy  

i love love.

 (Photo Source)

i love love.

i love using xoxo's at the end of my emails and sealing delicate pink envelopes in hello kitty stickers. i love the color pink and the way it makes me feel when I wear it. (mental note: must where more pink) i love candle-lit dinners, soft fuzzy slippers and pink marshmallows. i believe white peonies are much more romantic looking than your typical rose. i'm a sucker for chick flicks, chick-lit and the cheesier the line, the better - in my book. "Swooner" should have been my middle name. (funny, i know but so true) i love baking to the sound of michael buble...or really any other time of day.

i love that it's february and i can still enjoy a cup of hot cocoa in my favorite oversized black and white mug with a heart shaped handle. (too cute for words) i love the sound of the santa ana winds this time of year at night, in my soft, warm bed. i love discovering new recipes to satisfy my sweet tooth and stationary sets in ever-so-cute packaging. i get giddy when i find a package at my front door step and i daydream about visiting faraway places and meeting the women i aspire to be...one day...soon. i love watching old reruns of the i love lucy show and singing to my favorite musical soundtracks on my way into work. (wicked and phantom to name just a few) 

i love valentine's day. alot. it's the perfect day to reflect on just how loved we are. the friends we cherish. the family members we miss and wish we could see more of and our little ones or in my case, my little creatures - our adorably sassy cats, sunny and quincy. and last but certainly not least, our partners. the ones who still manage to cause our heart to skip a beat. love. true love. sweet glances. light kisses and blissful memories never forgotten. i enjoy sipping sweet sparking wine. i am a what you would call a hopeless romantic - a sucker for love notes and a fan of the queen of everything.

i love traditional necco sweet hearts but a large box of chocolate causes me to squeal in delight. (doesn't everyone respond that way?) i look forward to receiving valentines but i enjoy giving them much, much more. i believe saying "i love you" should be said more and saying "i care" even more. i never get tired of coming up with creative ways to tell my family and friends just how much they mean to me and i love nothing more than showering L.H. a.k.a, my valentine with hugs and kisses. valentines day just seems to fit me like a shoe.

what do you love about valentines day?

xoxo
missy

Recent Events and The Big Question

 
It's been a couple of days since my last post. Work has been busy and on my off-hours, I've been working on planning two fundraisers to raise money for Walk Now for Autism. My family and I participate every year in support of our nephews, Xavier and Alexander. (I interrupt this post with a short and painless ask: I'm looking for generous people to sponsor me and/or donate in-kind items for our silent auction. If you are interested, please email me at missyah1@sbcglobal.net) 

I'm happy to report that I've been pretty consistent about eating a healthy breakfast every morning and taking my multi-vitamin and fish oil pill but the eliminating caffeine goal is sort of touch and go. I'm definitely drinking more water than before and when I do slip, it's usually for a can of coke instead of my usual starbucks caramel frappaccino - those of you who live by Starbucks fraps on a daily basis know what I mean. (Anyone? Anyone?) It's a very difficult vice to give-up. 

Last weekend LH and I finally went to the sporting goods store to buy our running shoes. $130 later and we were ready to begin training! We had our first session on Monday night - let's just say I have never felt more out of shape in my entire life. However, I was proud that I stuck it out for nearly 45-minutes and I wasn't nearly as sore as I thought I would be the next day. Unfortunately, LH came down with a bad cold so we've put it off for the past few days. (Yes, I know I am perfectly capable to go by myself but well, someone has to stay home to take care of him...was that convincing enough?)

This past Monday I met with the Director for our Adult Program at the University to register for my very first class at La Verne. You may very well be looking at (so to speak) the newest member of the Class of 2014. And as strange as it may sound, I'm really looking forward to getting back into the classroom. I'm sure the excitement will wear off after a few weeks but I'm enjoying the "honeymoon and I'm registered!" phase for now.

Which brings me to my next topic of conversation: over the past couple of weeks I have had several loved ones ask me what our next move is and whether we are planning on trying another round of IUI. (Thank you for asking!) I know this is going to sound crazy to some of you but we have decided against it. First, let me explain - I haven't given up. I'm just letting go - a bit. Truthfully it would be impossible for me to ever really let go of my dream of having a baby.  

However, I do have a plan and I know what I am going to do. I'm going to keep staying positive, keep taking better care of myself and use my Twelve by 2012 as my map to keep living in the moment. Set my sight on things that are within my grasp because I need to stop letting this issue run my life, my emotions, my confidence and my outlook. I'm done with the doctor appointments, the procedures and the too-many-to-count negative pregnancy tests. It's been nearly six years of planning, researching, obsessing, speculating and yes, even more researching.

Interestingly enough, over the past week I've been reading the book, The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. It's written by a doctor who after experiencing infertility and miscarriages, studied and received a Masters in Ancient Chinese Medicine. It started off really interesting but after the first two chapters, it started to feel more like a chore. Then last night, I forced myself to open it up and after flipping through most of the book, I stumbled over this little nugget of information that I thought I would share with those of you who like me, are grappling with the possibility of letting go and moving on:

The chapter starts with this poem, written by Tao Te Chung:

If you want to become whole, 

let yourself be partial. 

If you want to become straight, 

let yourself be crooked. 

If you want to become full, 

let yourself be empty. 

If you want to be reborn, 

let yourself die. 

If you want to be given everything, 

Give everything up.  

Deep, right? And here is a excerpt from the same chapter: 

Over and over I have seen the ending of the pursuit of fertility become an opening to a fuller idea of who we are. There will be grief and mourning, of course. We must move through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - before we can take a look at what we would like the rest of our life to be. 

But in my experience, like the child who lets go of the table leg to take his or her first step, women who consciously choose to let go when they know the time is right find it much easier to step into life after infertility. Sometimes the point where we find our soul is the point where we finally let go. Shedding the identity of being a biological mother or of being an "infertile" woman can mean loss, or it can mean discovering the deepest truths about ourselves. Our ability to have children and our role as mother is only part of who we are.

I can't say that I'm there yet and and it's difficult for me to see a point in my life where I will be ready to truly let go and move on but I do have the power to make the best of my life today, in the now. I'm already loving life without being concerned about cycles and looming doctors appointments. I can leap in the air, just from knowing that my long nights of sometimes obsessive reading and researching are finally over.

I'm finally (big exhale) on the right path. It's been a long road to get here. The best part of this road is knowing that instead of feeling like a door is closed, I know that the door is actually wide open.

Just Play

Photo by Duncan

The theme of this post is simple:  Sometimes we just need time to play. I know, I know, it's a crazy idea but sometimes it's important for us to step away from work and the to-do-list and bring on the fun. Watch a movie. Go rollerblading. Bust out some brightly colored crayons and make a point to color outside the lines. Write a letter to a friend you haven't seen in months or schedule lunch with a relative you haven't seen in years. Sing along to your favorite song out loud or dance the night away in the comfort of your own bedroom.

This past weekend, that's exactly what I did and the crazy thing about it is, by allowing some much needed "play time," I was also able to get down to business and cross a few more "To Do's" off my list. On Friday evening, I enjoyed a flight of sweet champagnes, wild mushroom and goat cheese bruschetta and an array of absolutely delectable desserts (obviously, my diet went right out the window, the minute I walked in) at POP Champagne & Dessert Bar in Pasadena, CA. Of course, the most important part was enjoying it with loved ones. Laughing and taking pictures of each and every beautiful platter that was presented to our table. 

Saturday, I threw my beautiful cousin a small impromptu baby shower at Mimi's Cafe in Chino, Ca. I literally turned our initial lunch plans into a baby shower in days and thankfully, it turned out great. (I'm learning that being spontaneous can be fun) We had a great time catching up and I'm really looking forward to meeting our little Duncan in just a few weeks!

In the afternoon, I went to a birthday party where instead of a traditional birthday cake, we noshed on a chocolate dipping smorgasbord of fruit, cookies and marshmallows off of the cutest party plates you've ever seen. (Go Team Jacob) And yes, it was an adult's birthday party. So much fun! 

On Sunday, I spent the day shopping (Definitely my kind of fun) with a friend I hadn't seen in months. We always have the best time at our favorite store - Ross. We both love to find the best deals and we always manage to make every aisle an adventure trying on scarves, shoes and accessories. It makes me giddy just thinking about it. And on Monday, I finally took a couple of bags and boxes to Goodwill - a "To Do" item on my list for over a year. (Yay!) I also made a point to read a few chapters of my current read for good measure before cozy-ing up on the couch to watch the movie, Twilight for the umpteenth time. (It was a very good weekend)   

On a recent shopping trip with my Mom, I caught myself saying, "I'm too old to wear that" and she quickly reminded me that I had just encouraged her only moments earlier to purchase something she thought was too "juvenile." We do that often, don't we? - encourage others while at the same time, putting the very same limitations on ourselves. When you really think about it, our age should never determine what we do or what we wear. We need to stop worrying about what others may think or say. Instead, do what feels right and enjoy every day - your way. And most importantly, remember to make time to play!

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Resolved: Firm in Purpose or Intent; Determined

(source)

I have to admit. Up until just a few minutes ago, I thought the word resolved had a completely different meaning. Per Dictionary.com, the word means: Firm in purpose or intent; determined. I thought it essentially meant giving up. Boy, was I wrong but I'm glad I discovered its true meaning because wow - what a great word! It perfectly fits my current state of mind. I love it when things like this happen - they make you feel as though you are on the right path and your sights are set on the all the right things.

For the past week and a half, I've really made an effort to be more spontaneous, which if you know me, you know it goes against everything I'm about. In all honesty, it feels foreign, uncomfortable and well, unnerving at times but I think it's exactly what I need to come to grips with the idea that I can't and shouldn't control every aspect of my life.

I've also been busy making better choices in my diet, drinking more water and taking a multi-vitamin and fish oil tablet every morning. It's funny because none of these things are on my Twelve by 2012 so why am I finally making changes that I've been trying to make for what seems like forever? The only answer that makes any sense to me is that I'm (finally) resolved to do what's right for me. (enter cheesy Toyota commercial-like jump in the air)

The best news is that within just a few days of making these seemingly small changes, I've really noticed some definite changes. I feel SO much better; my energy level is back where it should be and even my hair seems healthier...(ok, that last one may just be wishful thinking) My state of mind has been consistently positive - probably because I don't feel helpless or frustrated anymore. (BIG step) And I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic.

I'm excited about two new books that I ordered online - the first one is called The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Program for Getting Pregnant & Having a Baby by Randine Lewis and Freedom from PCOS by Katie Humphrey - I already read a couple chapters of Katie's book last night - it's so great to finally read a book written by someone who actually has PCOS - in it, she shares what she did to cure herself of the symptoms caused by PCOS without medication or birth control pills - I predict I'll finish reading it by the end of the weekend.  

LH and I will hopefully begin training next week for our very first 5k, The Coaster Run through Knott's Berry Farm in March. (Any takers?) We actually do a 5k every year in April to raise money for Autism but we've always walked it. At this stage in the game, I'd probably last just a few blocks before cramping up and gasping for air so I've definitely got my work cut out for me. We also plan to go shopping for running shoes this weekend because you've got to have the proper running gear, right?

So...What are you up to?
(I'd love to hear all about it!)


Enjoy the day!
Missy

Twelve by 2012

With the New Year here, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm learning and what I want this year to hold, and not just for me but for my marriage, for my family and for my friends. If I could wave a magic wand to instantly make everyone's life perfect in every way, I would but that is just not possible.

We all have hurdles we have to jump, disasters to clean-up after, mistakes to fix and painful experiences to overcome but even in the midst of our pain and sadness, there is always that glimmer of hope - shining in the background, just waiting to come to the forefront - when we are ready.

Until then, there are friends to talk to, to cut loose with and to feel comforted by. There are beautiful sunsets and sunrises to watch in awe, movies to produce laughter, books to promote growth and family members to love, support and guide us every step of the way. And most importantly, there is God's unwavering love and commitment to us - individually and uniquely - for us. And last but certainly not least - there's hope. Hope is something we all need to learn to grasp tightly to. Hope is necessary when you are in the middle of a crisis because it's what allows us to continue on, move forward and step out of the darkness that sometimes floods our thoughts, our outlook, our world.

In many ways, the struggles and the triumphs we face - these are the moments that bind us together. They are like little tests of our love for each other. They teach us all about pain and suffering but also they teach us valuable lessons. Lessons that we probably wouldn't learn otherwise. Like humility, grace, patience and most importantly, the know-how to help and support others, even strangers, through their own tragedy, pain and grief. And they help us to really truly feel joy when the opportunity presents itself. 

It's easy to feel overwhelmed, lost and even broken but I'm learning that God puts specific people in your life for a reason. And once you allow the love and encouragement of those people in, it is most definitely possible to break through all of the negative feelings and find true peace of mind. Through others. That's the key - at least for me. Through all of you - my husband, my family and friends. You are the reason I am able to love, laugh, sing, dance, explore and live life. You are my god-send, my peace of mind and my biggest source of inspiration.

With all of this said, I wanted to inspire myself and hopefully some of you to make this year the best ever! So...I have an idea:

Let's invest some time to really figure out what we want out of life, determine what we want and need out of our relationships. Figure out how we can make changes in ourselves in order to be better wives, daughters, sisters, aunts and friends. And while we are at it, identify the bad habits we've been kicking around for years and break them for good. Best of all, let's make it our mission to try new things, explore new places, taste new foods, capture more moments and encourage everyone around us to join in on all of the fun we are bound to have.

I am going to use the next couple of days to come up with a list of things 12 things that I want to accomplish by 2012 and they will include experiences, tastes, places, books, movies and anything else I can think of. I'm going to keep them very specific and I'll try to accomplish one per month. Don't be afraid to be inventive and creative - really think outside the box. Here are a few cool sites and tools to help us get started!

How to make a Dream Board
How to Get Inspired
Find out What You Want To Do With Your Life

If you do decide to join me, I'd love to see and hear all about your Twelve by 2012! Please feel free to share your thoughts, ideas and especially your progress with me/us!

I'll be sure to post my official list on Monday!
Have a great day!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Today

Photo by CaptPiper

Today, I received some bad news about a friend's husband's failing health and it really got me thinking. I kept thinking about everything she must be going through. Oh, how I wish I could make all of this go away for her. I can't even fathom. It definitely puts things into perspective and it makes my situation seem tiny in comparison. The pain and grief I've been dealing with is very different but in so many ways, I know it could never, ever compare.

I've got to stop letting this situation overwhelm me and start focusing on the here, the now and most especially, the future. Stop focusing on what I can't control and instead, focus on the things I can control. And most importantly, appreciate what I do have, instead of what I don't have. Because when I do focus on the good things...no matter how big or small...I feel overwhelmingly grateful.

Grateful to be alive, grateful to be in love and to be loved 
Grateful for moments of clarity like this one
And grateful to all of you - for your love, friendship and support 

Grateful for warm clothing, shoes to cover my feet and for my little leopard umbrella for keeping me dry these past couple of rainy days. I'm grateful for the unlimited opportunities to spend time with my loved ones - keeping in mind that I am the only one who can turn each opportunity into a reality.

Grateful for quiet stolen moments spent listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops on our bedroom window and grateful for the cup of hot cocoa enjoyed standing inside the Carnation Cafe in Disneyland at the end of our rainy day adventure on Monday. (And what an adventure it was!)

Grateful for new experiences, for self-discovery and for the people in my life who remind me to think and dream BIG. Grateful for everything I have, everything I'm able to give and everything I'm able to do whether its running upstairs, skipping across the shopping center parking lot, singing in the car or dancing in the privacy of my bedroom.

It's hard to believe that only just a few days ago I felt crippled by my frustration and grief but today is a new day. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish I could wave a magic wand so that everything could go back to normal for my friend and her family. I guess this is just a reminder of just how fragile our lives really are. Life is a gift that's never promised. For me. For today - I'm unbelievably grateful.

For my friend and her family, I'm hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle!     

Day 2: 100 Joys

                                         

#4: Joy in a Cup
Could it be possible? I think so. Call me crazy but there is something in my  drink of choice that instantly makes everything okay. Strange, I know. Just the smell of coffee makes me "perk up" - no pun intended.

To top things off, my local Starbucks just feels like home - warm and cozy. And because I'm a regular, they know my name (just like the theme song from Cheers) And occasionally I don't even have to wait for my drink at the bar because the barista will start making my drink when he/she sees me in line. (I know...so nice!) 


#5: Joyful Creatures

When Leo and I are sitting on the couch, it only takes a few minutes for Sunny and Quincy to end up in our laps. Sunny, who I lovingly call the "Cuddle Monster" absolutely loves to cuddle. They both bring so much joy into our lives, just by being there.

#6: A Joy-Ful Partnership
My hubby is a HUGE source of joy for me. The first thing I fell in love with was his smile and his genuine concern for others. He is an amazing provider and my very best friend. His laid-back personality helps me keep my sometimes flailing feet on the ground. My favorite place in the whole wide world is in his arms. 

#7: Candles Aglow with Joy
Candles have a way of soothing the soul. Maybe it's the flickering flame or the fragrance it emits into the air of every room. Or a combination of both. This adorable candle holder was a Christmas gift from my Mom last year and it sits on my desk omitting the smell of vanilla and spice - a simple joy but still a joy none the less.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

100 Joys: Day 1

One of my fave bloggers, Sarah Markley of The Best Days of My Life started this project for the month of December and the goal is to find 100 Joys. Simple as that.

It's easy to get caught up in worrying about all the things in life that you wished you could change or fix but what if we had a distraction? What if we made a choice to focus on the joys in our life? If you would like to participate, check out Sarah's blog and be sure to grab her 100 Joys button on the sidebar. 

#1: Joyful Reading
The simple act of reading a good magazine. The recipes, the craft projects and the short stories. The pretty pictures and style ideas. Inspiration and joy, for me, is usually presented to me visually first and foremost. 

#2: Packaged Joy

Sending packages to my loved ones. I get giddy when I am filling it with all of the things that I know they will love. These particular boxes are for my brother and sister-in-law who are serving in the Army National Guard in Iraq. Knowing that they will be home soon makes me even giddier.

#3: A Joy-ful Bulletin Board
I picked up this really great bulletin board from Ross a little over a year ago for my office and it wasn't long before it was filled with pictures and cards. A great daily reminder of the all the joy in my life.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Safe and Sound

I had an inspiring lunch with a beautiful and gracious co-worker today. Then I happened upon this song (thanks to a blog I follow called, Cherish this Baby) by Mercy Me. We all know that letting go is never easy and that life's circumstances can only make it that much harder but when you really think about it, it is really about us needing to feel safe enough to let go. Check out the actual music video down below. 

Safe and Sound by Mercy Me

No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody's home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can't control
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I've found
There is nothing that can pull me
from the hand that holds me
I'm safe and sound
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me
Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

The greatest part now I know is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me