Finding Our Home

When I was a little girl my family attended Bellflower Brethren Church. I loved this Church. I have so many great memories from the music to the lessons, the holiday performances and the huge picnics on the lawn - potlucks in the large recreation room on the first floor of the two-story building. Everybody knew eachother on a first name basis and I always felt at home. And Pastor Cashman was warm and charismatic.

We left in the early 80's because my parents bought a house in Ontario. We had tried to travel back a few times but it was a long drive, especially with five rambunctious kids in the car. We attended a few local Churches over the years but I never really got the same feeling.

When Leo and I started dating our hurdle became the fact that we were from different faiths. I had heard several Pastors speak on this subject and they always stated with conviction that they would not marry a couple who came from different faith backgrounds. Quite honestly, this didn't deter me or cause me to second guess our relationship. I had faith that God brought Leo into my life and I refused to believe that he would disapprove of our marrying eachother.

He proposed to me on a rainy Valentine's Day at Shoreline Village in Long Beach. Soon after we set the date for November 12, 1999 and we started planning the wedding in early Summer. Almost immediately we had a very difficult time finding a Church that would marry us. We must have talked to a dozen different pastors from non-denominational Churches. I had all but given up when Leo's sister recommended a Church in San Dimas.

Leo and I met with the Pastor and after a brief introduction and explanation of our situation, he reassured us by saying, "Everyone has their own path to God" and he happily agreed to marry us. It was a beautiful ceremony and we both felt grateful to him for making us feel so welcomed into his Church. Unfortunately for us, he left shortly after

And we were back to square one again....

We tried several more Churches in the non-denominational faith and each time Leo was such a trooper. He never complained or hinted that he preferred to go to a Catholic Church. I think he could sense how important this was to me. I really just wanted to find our home. A place where we could both grow in our faith together. But many times what kept us from returning were not-so-nice comments made by the Pastor about the Catholic faith during the sermon.

I agreed with Leo wholeheartedly when he didn't want to return because we both agreed that was not okay. It is never okay (in our book) for one faith to put down another. Needless to say, it left me feeling frustrated and disheartened to the point to where I had given up. That's not to say that I stopped praying. I don't know a lot but I do know that I need God's presence in my life to help me, guide me and sustain me when times are tough.

When Jacob came into our lives the subject inevitably came up again.

We both felt it was important for him to be raised in the Church so he could have the same foundation of faith we both had. I was cautiously optimistic but also a little weary.

At first we decided that we would raise him in both faiths. We would baptize him in the Catholic Church but we would visit a Christian Church fairly often so he would be able to learn both. That didn't go over very well with the first Priest that we met with, and for good reason in hind sight. But still, I found myself feeling frustrated and in a way, rejected by all of the complications that kept seeping into our plan.

I prayed about it. Cried some. Then prayed some more. And that night, I had a dream. (No kidding!) In that dream, I basically got out if it that it didn't matter what package Jacob's faith came in. Sounds silly and a little over simplified but it made complete sense.

Why was I so set on our plan, when really it should have been in God's hands in first place?

I decided that since Leo had been gracious enough to marry me in a non-denominational Church, it was my turn to be gracious. I made a list of four more Churches that I hadn't yet called and one by one, I told them our story and was turned away so to speak. I only had one more to go - it was a Church in Claremont, just a few blocks from where we both work. I called and left a message for the Baptism Coordinator. She called me back within minutes of me hanging up and we immediately connected so well that we ended up talking for nearly an hour.

I proceeded to tell her our story and then I ended it with our little situation, when she reassured me over and over that it would not be a problem. She set-up a meeting for us to speak with a Deacon for the following week. I had a very good feeling.

Deacon Bob was warm and kind and when I told him that I was a Christian, he too said those same words that our Pastor had said to us years before, "We all have our own paths to God" and he capped it off with, "Really, we are all Christians." I can't tell you how happy I was to hear him say those words. We were both happy. He proceeded to answer all of our questions and we filled out the necessary paperwork to get the Baptism process started. We were elated, relieved and excited all at the same time.

We attended Church the very next Sunday in our Sunday best with Jacob in tow. Nervous, like it was the first day of school. We sat in the back row just in case we had to make a quick exit because we had no idea how Jacob would manage being quiet for nearly an hour. The first thing I noticed was the music - there was a band of musicians - a worship team if you will and many of the songs that they played were ones that I knew from my days at Calvary Chapel and even from Bellflower Brethren (a definite good sign!)

The message was spot on, I was able to follow along with ease and when I read the mission statement in the program, it reflected so many of the same values followed by the Brethren faith that I have come to love and live by. The biggest one being inclusivity. They also have an impressive amount of programming that is centered around family and they even have a private school attached to the Church, should we decide to go that route. Jacob much to our surprise managed exceptionally well and by the end of the service, we didn't even have to say a word. We just knew. After nearly 13 years of marriage, our prayers had been answered.

Thank you, Jesus.

P.S. I know I haven't posted in a long while - what can I say that I haven't said before? I am forever juggling my crazy busy life but I want you all to know that I really appreciate you sticking by me!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Thankful

As I reflect on the past year, the word thankful doesn't seem to cut it. I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of joy.
My life feels full and complete. And I am grateful for all of it - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Thankful for my husband who my heart still goes pitter-patter for after all these years.

Thankful for Jacob's long-awaited presence in our life and all of the many firsts we enjoyed together, as a family of three.

Thankful to my family, friends and soul-cysters who are a never-ending source of support and encouragement.

It's one thing to brave the journey alone but to be able to share that journey with other women who are dealing with the very same obstacles, frustration and grief. It is nothing short of a gift.

If you happen upon this blog and you are searching for answers and support surrounding infertility, miscarriage or infant loss, I urge you to reach out to us. Even those of us, who have been able to conceive and give birth to our miracle babies. We will keep you focused, determined and supported. More importantly, we'll help you see that miracles DO happen. Every day.

Just this morning, I received the amazing news that my good friend over at Punch Today in the Face is pregnant with her third miracle baby - Congratulations my friend!

This year has had its ups and downs. In the Spring, my little sister went in to have a lump removed from her breast. It was cancer. The good news is, it hadn't spread and they caught it early so she didn't have to endure chemotherapy. Instead, she was instructed to take a low grade radiation pill for a year. I pray that she is cured completely and that this is the last instance of  cancer for our family.

We endured but we also prevailed as a family. We fought hard and sometimes lost our minds alittle, but overall when I look back at 2012, I see lots and lots of things to be thankful for. Big things, like our little Jacob Mario and little things, like enjoying lunch at our favorite mexican restaurant in Ontario together, as a family.

Last night I found this free download via Dear Lizzy. It's a "Twelve Things We're Grateful for in 2012" list that I thought would be a perfect activity for the whole family before or after dinner. Check it out here.

I recently caught a glimpse of one of many neighborhoods in Staten Island who are still struggling to get back to normal life. It really puts things into perspective. Regardless of our individual situations, our past hurts and our current struggles, we all have something to be thankful for. Whether it's our health, the roof over our heads or the food on our tables, it's important to recognize what we do have and more importantly, to be genuinely thankful.

THANK YOU, for being a part of my journey!

Enjoy the Day!
Malissa

One For the Books

It's been a great fall season - one for the books, for sure.

I think it is safe to say that we are no longer a co-sleeping family. (Not that I am against it...) Jacob has been sleeping in his crib for about a month now and I can't begin to tell you how nice it has been to have our nights back. I am happily back to reading books, blogging and getting my general craftiness groove back, among other things. (hee-hee)

In early October, Jacob and I visited the Santa Ana Zoo with my little sister and her two daughters. If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. We enjoyed our lunch under a blanket of trees that overlooked a perfectly placed playground and it was relaxing to be able to just sit and talk.

Then we hit the ground running, starting off our little adventure in the rain forest aviary where they had the most beautiful waterfall. There were so many lush green trees and bushes - it was easy to forget that we were in Orange County.

We were able to see several types of monkeys - about fifty in total, plus an array of farm animals and birds. It was great because we were able to walk the entire park and pretty much see everything there was to see within just a couple of hours. I definitely plan on visiting again in the near future. Oh and did I happen to mention that admission was only $10 for adults and Jacob was free?

He attended his very first Homecoming Weekend in mid October. Leo brought him for a couple of hours so we were able to enjoy lunch together before we watched the football game from a park bench. As you can see, Jake sported a University of La Verne onesie that I picked up from the bookstore the day before. It was nice to have them both there to enjoy the festivities.

A few days later the three of us visited the Cal Poly Pumpkin Festival - his first trip to a pumpkin patch. It was very crowded and a bit warm, but we still managed to get our family photo taken as well as a ton of shots of him amidst the pumpkins. Jacob seemed to have a good time - he kept hitting the pumpkins and then flashing us with one of his huge grins. It was hilarious.

We also had three very special first birthdays to attend in October. About two weeks after having Jacob, I started going to a (new) Mom's Group that was led by our lamaze instructor. I am really glad I did because the group has helped me in so many ways and I've made some really great friends in the process. We try to meet up every few months and this December we plan to get together to have the boys photos taken together. Wouldn't it be cool if they all ended up being great friends for years and years to come?

But I digress. It was just really nice to be able to celebrate this very special milestone together. The birthday parties were adorable and lots of fun. It's interesting to see how the boys are developing in different ways and to see them go from tiny babies to one-year olds is just amazing to watch.

Although Jacob's birthday was on October 17th, we decided to celebrate it two weeks later because it fell on the week of Homecoming Weekend. It was a great day but I will gush over the details in a separate post so I can include lots and lots of photos. 

So that has been our Fall so far. I hope you are enjoying your fall season - isn't it magical? There is something about it that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I'm so grateful for the blessings that my little family has been given, but I am also always praying for those of you who are still hoping and praying for your miracle babies to arrive. I know it can be a difficult road, but I promise it will all be worth it in the end.

In fact, I believe it makes every single, silly moment even sweeter.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A New Mom (still)

A New Mom.

That would definitely be the title that best describes me. Even after a full year, I feel as though I'm crawling on the floor, in the dark with blinders on. Jacob has yet another cold, and he had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

The good news is, he weighs 25 pounds and he is 32 inches tall, but unfortunately, he has been experiencing some constipation problems. I'll spare you the yucky details but my recent membership into motherhood has definitely been tested for the past few days. In addition, the doctor recommended ear drops because apparently, there is a build up of wax in his left ear. He explained how to use the medication step-by-step so initially, it sounded easy-peezy.

Boy, was I wrong.

First, I read the instructions on the bottle, which recommended that you administer five drops into the ear canal. Then either keep the child on their side or to insert a cotton ball into the ear, so as to prevent the much-needed medicine from exiting the canal. Unfortunately, I didn't have cotton balls so I cleverly opted for a small piece of toilet paper. But then when I actually went to administer the drops, much to my dismay Jacob quickly began to squirm and it felt as though I had to squeeze the tiny bottle with all my might to get even one single drop.   

Finally, after five long minutes of him crying and squirming, I felt confident that I had released the five drops into his ear canal so I strategically placed the bunched up piece of toilet paper, and prayed that the medicine would still be able to work its magic. Then I placed him in the tub and waited for the recommended length of time before removing the toilet paper. While I waited, I bathed him as best I could, given he was still crying and visibly tired. But when I finally removed the toilet paper, I didn't see anything that resembled ear wax. In fact, I didn't see anything at all. The outer ear was completely clear - Crap!

By this point, I knew he wouldn't endure another round of this so I opted to finish his bath to prevent a complete breakdown. Plus, to be honest I was spent. Immediately, though I started to think about what other scenarios might work better - Maybe I could try while he is drinking a bottle? I made a mental note and continued to dry him off, so I could finish his bedtime routine.

I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I know, I know - it's not a big deal, but when I am in the moment, its difficult for me to look at the big picture - instead I think things like, this was supposed to be easy - how did I manage to get it all wrong? I recognize that nobody is perfect and that I am definitely not the exception, but in the moment when things are going wrong - even things as trivial as removing ear wax, I tend to lose sight of that.

Needless to say, we both went to bed early last night, which was good, because it better prepared me for more fussiness this morning, more than likely due to his nagging cold. But I suppose that is what being a Mom is all about. Taking the good with the bad. Every day won't be full of smiles. That and recognizing that I'm not always going to have all the answers and I have a whole heck of a lot more to learn about being a Mom. No question there.

In essence, I need to put my "big girl pants on" and remind myself that I am bound to make mistakes, overreact, and even lose my patience. (although, I hope and pray it doesn't happen often) But despite my  mistakes, I know that I am a good Mom. Goofy, sometimes yes. Funny, always.

There were a few sweet moments yesterday between fussiness and tears. Like, an unexpected first kiss upon request while sharing an apple. I jokingly said that I would give him another piece of apple if he gave me a kiss and I was completely caught by surprise, when he happily obliged. Twice. It was most definitely the silver lining to our cloudy day. And I must say, it was well worth it.

As always, thanks for listening.
Enjoy the Day!

Missy

He's One

Yesterday Jacob turned one. Somebody pinch me - I am the mother of a happy, healthy one-year old. And he's perfect, in every way.

He's not quite walking yet - crawling is his preferance. His favorite past time is to open and close doors, drawers and cabinets. He also likes to take all of the q-tips out of the box, then carefully, one-by-one, put them back. (Usually - sometimes, they are left sprawled all over our bedroom floor)

As far as the types of food he fancies, he loves most of what we have tried giving him. Probably the only things he refuses to eat are peas, but I really can't blame him - I am not a big fan either.

Overall, he is a typical baby - he only cries when he is overly tired or hungry. Otherwise, he is sure to have a grin from ear to ear, showing off his two itty-bitty teeth on bottom, which I just can't get enough of!

And he's definitely spunky, which is just a nice way to say that he is stubborn. It's kind of funny, actually. But not to worry, I have mastered the art form of keeping my expressions hidden from him, as to not confuse the situation.

When I am putting him to bed at night, he loves to hold on to his bottle - it's really very sweet. So, I guess at the moment his bottle is his lovee.

He also loves to babble on and on, which leads me to believe that like his mommy, he is going to be a talker. I have noticed lately that he enjoys matching the tone in my sentence. For example, if I am asking him a question, he will respond with the very same tone, as if he is asking me a question in return.

Now that he is officially one and we have had twelve months worth of memories with him, I just can't imagine our lives with him not in it. Before I got pregnant with him, I always felt as though something was missing. There was a void and I did everything I could to fill it. And I didn't feel whole.

But in my heart, I always knew that I was destined to be a Mom. And now that I am, that hole has been completely filled. In fact, it's brimming with an overwhelming feeling of love, pride and pure joy. When I think about the nine years I had to wait to have him, there is no doubt in mind that I would do it all over again.

If there was ever a song that describes my feelings for him, it would be this one...



Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

The Transition

Leo and I had a heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago about Jacob and our "co-sleeping" situation and we both agreed that it was time for us to transition him into his crib. {gulp}

One of several reasons, Jacob is a crazy sleeper - he moves constantly throughout the night and he ends up in the strangest positions. On some mornings, we'd find him sleeping lengthwise between the both of us. He also kicks. As a result, I wasn't getting much sleep because I am and have always been a light sleeper. It was also pretty evident to both of us that he wasn't getting the sleep he needed either. And to be quite honest, I sensed that he needed his own space to stretch out in.

So we settled on a Friday to try it out - last Friday to be exact. I followed our normal bedtime routine, which is: bath, book, then bottle. Typically, I give him his bottle in our room, me sitting up in bed, him on my lap, rocking him from side to side. (Next on the list of things to eliminate) Instead, I opted for the rocking chair in his room. He was asleep within just a few minutes - a little after 8pm.

I carefully set him down on his side, binky in his mouth (The third item on my list) and turned on the monitor and a noise machine that makes heartbeat noises and then I quietly left the room. I immediately turned on the monitor screen in our room to wait and watch to see if there was any stirring caused by my opening and closing his door, but there was no movement.

Not even a peep.

I must have stared at the monitor every few minutes for a full hour. I kept trying not to think about the things that inevitably would find their way back into my thoughts, like what if he wakes up and I don't hear him?, or what if his leg gets caught?, or the the room is too hot or cold - I finally turned on a relaxing spa-like CD. (my go-to on sleepless nights) And then magically, I fell asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I immediately rolled over to check on him but all I could see was an empty crib. Of course, I jumped up and headed for his room but as soon as I opened our bedroom door, Leo called out from downstairs to tell me that he had just checked on him - apparently, Jacob had found the only corner in his crib that the camera couldn't capture. But guess what? He didn't wake up until 7am on that fine Saturday morning and when I went in to get him, he was all smiles.

Today marks day six days since we started the transition and overall, it's still gone really well. And I have to say, it has been SO nice to have my evenings back. I now have time to wash my face and brush my teeth in a normal person pace, I can lay on the couch and watch a recorded television sitcom. (I watch very little television these days...I suppose that's a good thing) I'm able to pick up a little around the house and I've even started packing our lunches for the following work day.

This whole process has also shown me that changes like this one can sometimes be harder on us as parents, than they are for the child. In this instance, the first two nights, for me, were by far the hardest. I missed him being in our bed - the closeness we shared and knowing that he was safe because he was right there with us. But you know what? I don't regret our decision to co-sleep with Jacob until now. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think the key is to do what feels right for you and your child, without any guilt. I am positive that I could find several articles promoting both sides of the co-sleeping/non-co-sleeping argument but let's face it, nothing is cut and dry when it comes to raising a human being. And what works for one child, may not work for another.

With this big transition under my belt, I am definitely feeling more confident as a Mom and it makes me feel as though I will definitely be able to tackle the other items needing to be eliminated (eventually), like the rocking, the bottle and yes, even the binky. {gasp!}

Enjoy the day!
Missy