Promises Made

Photo by: SRSR

The artificial insemination this morning went perfectly! (Yay!) 

On the way home, I said a little prayer. And in my quiet desperation, I promised things. Lots of things. I promised I would be a better person. A better wife, a better sister and a better friend. I promised that I would go to church every Sunday and that I wouldn't drink anymore - not even socially - not one itty-bitty drink. I promised I would spend much less and volunteer more. And I promised I would finally kick my caffeine habit and take better care of my health. I promised these things because when I think of the road so far and the possibility of me being a Mom after this morning's procedure, nothing else compares. Nothing. Nothing else is too hard to give up or to improve upon. Not after this.

So far, this experience has taught me more than any other experience in my life. It's taught me to value life in its purest form. And that memories with our loved ones and friends are what really matters at the end of the day. And most importantly, that nothing is ever promised or owed to us. This particular lesson has definitely been a very large and irregularly shaped pill for me to swallow. But it is what it is. And without a doubt, this "dip in the road" has definitely made me stronger. It's also helped me in what seems like my never-ending quest not to sweat the "little things"  and to focus on the bigger overall picture. To really appreciate what I have and to forget about all the "stuff" that we sometimes place too much value in. 

I made lots of promises to God this morning and even now, several hours later, I don't regret making any of them. My only regret is that it took this experience to make these promises but you know what they say, "From your mouth to God's ears." Now, I can only pray and think positive baby thoughts. Because ultimately, the outcome to all of this, is in his hands now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for listening by reading this blog. Thank you for your constant support, for your prayers and for encouraging me to say what's really on my mind. And most importantly, thank you for helping me move past the pain by validating my feelings. Even the not-so-pretty ones. It's easy to lose your way. But it's (usually) just as easy to find your way back with a little help from your family and friends.

Day 12: Ultrasound = Green Light

I just wanted to write a quick post to let you all know how this morning's ultrasound went.  Overall, it went really well.

The ultrasound technician evaluated and measured the lining of my uterus and my ovaries to see how I responded to the medication. The good news is, I have two eggs in each ovary. (Yay!)  She also pointed out though that they were a bit smaller than she would have liked to see and she was also concerned about the lining being thin so she prescribed a medication called Estradiol, which is basically a man-made form of estrogen to help thicken the lining.  It was sort of comical because while she was measuring and re-measuring the lining, she asked me twice if I had been experiencing any hot flashes.  I told her "no" but immediately thought, "Wait - had I?" Lol!
 
After the technician went over the plan for the next few days, the nurse came in to show Leo how to administer the second injection, which is scheduled for Wednesday between 4-6pm and then on Friday we will be ready for our biggest day yet - the artificial insemination! 

Still holding on to hope!
Thank you for your prayers!

Day Nine: A Very Good Thing

Today marks days nine so Leo and I went to the Doctor's office this morning for our "injection administering training." I was a little nervous, but Leo on the other hand was simply put - amazing.

The nurse showed us, step by step how to mix the two different medications and then how to administer the final product. I was definitely a bit nervous at this point but I was didn't utter a peep - trying to concentrate on every detailed step. Then when it was time for one of us to actually do it, Leo stepped up and took care of everything - he followed each step perfectly, mixing the powders one by one with a vial of liquid. And then he administered the shot like a pro! Quick and utterly painless.

After we left the doctor's office, on our way to work, I started to feel some moderate cramping, which in this case, is a very GOOD thing. They are still coming and going as the day goes on and each time I smile a little. I know, that probably seems crazy but I'm happy because my body is finally responding! This definitely gives me hope to stay positive and that's exactly what I'm going to do!

My Weekend Schedule: Think Positive. Be Happy. And Relax.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Friends 4-Ever!

I met Debi in the second grade.  We hit it off almost immediately. I spent many days and nights at her house listening to music, laughing and talking about boys. We tried out for drill team together. And ended up as captains of the team by our senior year. We joined clubs. We went on double dates and celebrated her sweet sixteen with a limo ride to a fancy restaurant. We very rarely argued. And we were always there for each other. But eventually, after High School, we drifted off a bit.

All due to our paths in life. She was busy being an amazing Mom and I was working. We sometimes went years without seeing each other. But we wrote once in awhile and talked on the phone a few times. And I missed her. I missed her smile. Her thoughtful words and her friendship. I missed her funny disposition and her quirkiness. 

I met Marianne my sophomore year in High School. We met through Debi and also through participating in theater performances. I've never met anyone like her. She's witty and smart. And without any hesitation, she made it possible for my little brother and I to appear as an extra in the television show, the Wonder Years. It was a dream come true for him. Something I will always be grateful to her for.

Last year the three of us concocted a grand idea to go to Disneyland in October for Debi's birthday. No spouses or kids. Just us. And despite the crazy crowds and long lines, we had a blast. Our mutual friend and fellow co-captain of the drill team, Darlene joined us for a while over dinner and we immediately became aware of the fact that we were all talking very fast - probably because our time together was flying by. We laughed a lot that night. We took lots of photos and even ended up getting on a decent amount of rides.

That year I bought Debi a mickey mouse charm bracelet for her birthday and then I ended up buying one for myself. This year we bought one for Marianne and we each added another charm - the castle. And decided to make it a tradition to purchase a new charm every year. (Now we just need one for Darlene!) 

Thank goodness for days like these.  Stolen moments.  Spent laughing and reminiscing.  I am so glad that our paths crossed again.  And I hope we will continue to make this a yearly tradition at the happiest place on earth.  I can already picture us in our fifties, or sixties, arm in arm with our blinged out charm bracelets. Smiling from ear to ear.  And not a care in the world.  Now that's a funny image. 

Happy Thoughts (Day 4)

If only I could capture them in jar and place them on my kitchen table for safe keeping. And there they would stay, until the need should arise, which is often these days. I try to focus on the good things. I listen to happy songs and avoid the sad ones. I only watch movies with happy endings, I pray and and I tell myself to "suck it up."  But despite all of my efforts, I still feel sad. Writing helps for a few days and then I start to feel  overwhelmed and maybe even a bit "over myself" and this whole blogging thing. Who am I anyway? My pain is not unique. It's just me. Frustrated and struggling to make it through.Three steps forward and two steps back. 

I try to make sense of everything.

I think about what may have happened to trigger these feelings.

It could be the lack of coffee in my system. As of today, I have been coffee free for five whole days - no small feat. Or more importantly, it could be the fact that my body is not responding to the Clomid. Nothing. Nada. Not even a hint. No cramping, bloating or dizzy spells. And not even the slightest bit of nausea. Pretty ironic that I am wishing I was feeling something horribly uncomfortable, like nausea. Truth: I'd do anything to feel morning sickness right about now. But today is day three out of five. Over half of the prescription is swimming through my body and its as if they were nothing more than sugar pills.

My happy place eludes me. Quickly slipping through my fingers. In the daytime, most of the time, I am good - great even. Then I come home, tired and aware of the impending heartache. I try to wave it off and send it on its way. Come back another day, like the song that children sing when rain comes to ruin their fun. I dig deep and let myself breathe in and out a few times. I try to think about the big picture. I force the images of the people I love in my head. To feel happy, whole and hopeful.

I had every intention to stay positive the whole way through but my tendencies towards protecting myself from possible bad news prevents me from letting that happen. I worry that I will be stuck here forever. In the pain. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be able to move forward. I want to feel as though I am living the life God intended me to live. I worry he'll think I'm ignoring all of the wonderful gifts and blessings he put in my life. Dismissing them like a spoiled child - when I grieve and pray for a miracle.

I say (write) things here I wouldn't normally say. Not even to my husband, my family or close friends. I know, it's strange because most of them will eventually read it all here anyway. But it's the perfect place for me. Here, I never have to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable. Or work hard to keep my pain and fears under wraps. My words are carefully constructed and organized. Never minced. And once I say (write) it, it's instantly validated at the touch of a (publish) button. No judgement. No "you should have done this" or "why haven't you tried this?" And most importantly, no uncomfortable silences or awkward pauses. Just my thoughts and feelings written down, right here, when I feel the need. Like tonight. Now. In this weak moment.

My pain is not unique. This is just me moving three steps forward and two steps back. And tomorrow is a new day.

Day 1 of Round 1

Today is The Day!

Today marks the first day of round one. (gulp) On day three, I start taking clomid once a day for 5 days - to stimulate my ovaries. Then on day 9, I will go in for my first injection of FSH to further stimulate my ovaries. (fun stuff, I know) Next, I will have an ultrasound on day 12 to see if my body is responding to the medication. This will definitely be an important day because if it works, we can move on to scheduling the artificial insemination. (Hoping, praying and keeping our fingers crossed)

I am recording this season of Giuliana and Bill on Style Network so last night I was able to watch the first two episodes. In episode one, they attempted one round of artificial insemination but were unsuccessful and in the second episode, they tried IVF and were given the good news that they were pregnant. Unfortunately, I already know how it all ends. Sadly, Giuliana ends up miscarrying and then trying IVF a second time. My heart breaks for them but I have to admit, I am also really HAPPY that they decided to share their story so that they can use their semi-celebrity status to hopefully shed some light on this very important and ever growing issue. If you have the ability to TIVO, I highly recommend recording it! If you don't mind, silly, cheesy, funny shows. And don't worry - it's not depressing, I promise! Mostly due to Guiliana - she's a crack-up!

Just a little side-note, as I left for work this morning, I couldn't resist putting the car in idle to take a photo of the roses that are blooming in front of our house. (Thanks to Leo!)

As always, thank you for listening (reading)!

Lucky Girl

Photo by: Cuba Gallery

 I am a Very Lucky Girl

Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be free.

Lucky to have a husband who is gracious and giving.

Lucky to have two cats that can turn my frown upside down in 2 seconds flat. 

And lucky to have so many women in my life who constantly inspire me to do more, accomplish more and want more out of life. Blessed by women who are successful business owners and women who rescue abandoned animals in their spare time. Lucky to know a woman who built a big red barn with her own two hands, where she lives and runs a successful farming membership business - doing what she loves. Lucky to know women who sing and women who teach. Women who foster children and women who have given neglected and abused children a second chance in life, through adoption. Women who blog and and women who could use "Dr." in their name, but opt not to.

Women who cook as if they attended the very best culinary schools and women who are in my opinion, the best Mommy's in the whole wide world (ok, so I am a bit biased) Women who have made it their life's work to take care of patients and women who use their own painful experiences to support and counsel others. I am lucky. Lucky to have a friend by the name of Julie, who inspires me everyday through her courage and determination to stay positive, despite her little boy's battle with cancer. She's nothing short of amazing. I am lucky to know women who choose to fight and refuse to let cancer win. Their courage. Their strength and their stories inspire me to fight back but also to appreciate what I have and to live life to it's fullest.

I am very lucky. I have a never-ending stream of motivation - available to me at a moment's notice - through the world of blogging. A gift that keeps on giving. I am lucky. Lucky to have the guidance and the support of those who have traveled the same roads, experienced the same grief and explored the same options. Through my relationships, friendships, and through reading other blogs written by women, I am able to gain perspective. Learn and grow. Heal. Understand and feel whole again.

I am a very lucky girl. Constantly inspired to "get out" and to "get going." To be creative and capture that "perfect moment" on my camera. Captivated by color. Encouraged to write. Motivated to "stand up" and determined to get my life back in track. Moved to wake up early to watch the sunrise and really enjoy the moments that I might otherwise let pass me by. Open to documenting my life and the lives of those closest to me via this tiny little corner in the great big world of blogging. Dead set on purging all of the negative thoughts in my head and steadfast on holding on to the positive ones. Knowing all along that negativity won't do a bit of good. I am encouraged and supported daily, by the lives you lead, the examples you give and by your comments, prayers and love. 

I am in very good company. And in good hands.
I am a very lucky girl.

Thank you!
U know who you are!
xoxo

On Days Like This One

On days like this one, to quiet my mind, I will usually take a few minutes to check my home page on facebook. I'll quickly scroll down and read the many posts from my family members, friends and co-workers - past and present. And usually I'll see a handful of posts that involve spending time with their kids. And yes. Of course, you can guess what happens next. Especially now, with the hope in my heart, as a result of us deciding to try artificial insemination, I will immediately wonder what my life would be like if I was a stay-at-home Mom. Or a Mom who works, which will most likely (if all goes as planned) be me. (I hope and pray)

On days like this, it's not hard to imagine myself keeping the kids busy with craft projects, day trips and carefully planned-down-to-the-minute excursions. Leo and I implementing our very own family traditions and peppering in some that were a part of our own childhoods, for good measure. It's hard to imagine, for me, exactly what it would be like because of the obvious. I do know that being a Mom would change everything. Unlike my days at work, there would be no breaks. No vacation or sick days. And no paid compensation, except for the many hugs, kisses and "I love you's."

On days like this, I wonder what kind of Mom I would be. Would I be strict or passive? Patient or flustered? Would I miss all of the "girlfriend time" I have now, with my friends who I love and adore? The quiet shopping trips and the lazy Sundays spent on the couch with Leo and our two cats. Or more importantly, would he and I make a good team? It's hard to tell but in my heart of hearts, I would like to think that we would be good parents. And I would like to think that I would be a good Mom. Not a perfect Mom. Or even a Mom to aspire to be like. Just me. It's easy to get lost in thoughts like these. On days like this.

Our Choice

We met with our doctor this morning.

And although he was kind and extraordinarily patient, the information he was dispensing was dizzying for me. I found myself secretly wishing I'd brought a note pad and pen to write everything down to avoid missing or misunderstanding anything. He explained in great detail, our two very different "best case scenarios" and their individual success rates, the possible risks and side affects, and most importantly, the estimated costs. Artificial Insemination would cost $1K each time and they would only permit three rounds. In Vitro Fertilization would cost $15K.

Which before I move on, I have to ask a question - why aren't handouts available for this sort of thing? It seems like such an obvious need to me. It would be so much easier on the patient to have something tangible. To make an educated decision. And it would probably alleviate unnecessary stress and worrying because it would all be there on paper in black and white. Spelled out. Easy to refer back to. No more unnecessary phone calls to the Doctors office. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Back to the actual point of this post: We discussed our options in great detail and asked lots of questions. Dr. Jacobson took the extra time to sketch a quick drawing of how artificial insemination works. My main question (ie. fear) was whether or not another miscarriage could be prevented. I had hoped he'd have a better answer but it is a very definite possible outcome for me, based on my history and my age. I must of been pretty transparent because without missing a beat, he handed me a box of tissue and the tears began to fall. (sigh)

I guess I sort of panicked. You know me. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life and I'm just not comfortable with uncertainty. And I certainly would never choose to put myself at risk for another gutt-wrenching miscarriage, especially if I could prevent it. I needed a definite answer because when all is said and done, its difficult not to feel like I am the problem. Would I be opening myself up to another failure and more guilt? Or if we decide to walk away, would I have regret, or even worse, would Leo resent me for giving up?

Thankfully, Dr. Jacobson kept calm. He seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. He even seemed to slow down his sentences, obviously for my benefit. He didn't sugar coat anything nor did he go out of his way to give us false hope. He just stuck with what he could do. What he could control. The tears stopped almost as fast as they had started because it was easy to see that he genuinely cared. We asked for some time to consider our options but as soon as he left the room, we very quickly made our decision. To try. We decided to try (gulp) artificial insemination, after Homecoming Weekend - sometime in mid to late November, depending on my cycle.

On our way out of the doctor's office, we were given a handout, (thank goodness!) that outlined the steps for our first round of artificial insemination. I have to admit, I am a bit nervous about giving myself injections but at the end of the day, we got our much needed answers and "best case scenarios" so we were able to leave feeling confident and hopeful. Confident in our choice and hopeful for a positive outcome.

The Big Day

Tomorrow is the Big Day.

Our Day for Answers. And Best Case Scenarios.

I kept myself busy today. My futal attempt to avoid the inevitable. (I know, I am very predictable) Most of it at work and then instead of going home, I went on the hunt for a Halloween costume for me to wear to my little Atom's first birthday - no such luck. Side Note: Costumes are anywhere from $29 to $89 - Yikes! Even a simple wig was $19. I may have to get creative and come up with something using items I already own. (Any ideas?!)

Next, I went to the bank and then I made a stop to grab a bite to eat. Even while I ate, I busied myself by cleaning out the black hole that is my favorite black handbag. After my quick bite, I headed to CVS where I spent the next hour and thirty minutes putting together a digital photo album of my trip to Arkansas. Then off I went to the grocery store to grab a few things for the coming week - eggs, bread, milk - nothing exciting. This is largely due to the fact that Homecoming Weekend is just a few weeks away so we will be consuming very little home cooked meals for awhile. (It's times like these when I wish we had a personal chef!)

Anyhow, back to my crazy-must-stay-busy tirade; by now it was getting dark outside and my energy level was beginning to wane so I resolved myself to heading home instead of making another attempt to find my too-cute-for-words costume. When I got home, I put the groceries away and watered the few plants that have managed to stay alive despite my forgetting to water them on a regular basis. Hung up some laundry, washed my face and then as I was brushing my teeth, I started to think about the thing I was trying so hard not to think about.

The looming doctor's visit is tomorrow morning - the one where we will finally be given our options. The road has been long and arduous. Stressful, painful and overwhelming at times. But the feelings that came next surprised me. Even though I was still nervous and anxious, my fears had been replaced by a sense of relief. Because after more than eight years, we will finally be out of the dark. We will get our much needed and long awaited answers - or at the very least, our best case scenario. The thought of this kind of news (for a change) makes me want to leap for joy.

Right now. In this moment. I am comforted by the knowledge that we are nearing the end of this very windy road. Encouraged by the possibilities. And if all goes well, satisfied with the outcome. Whatever that may be. Tomorrow is a big day and I am enjoying this very unexpected clarity and peace of mind. (Thank you, God!) And thank you, to all of you - for your unwavering love, encouragement and prayers. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Think Pink

Image by Cafe Press (click to view this and other t-shirts for sale!)

Think Pink.
Hope. Courage. Love.

Next month is Breast Cancer Awareness month so I spent some time last night researching a few articles on this very important issue/cause. Did you know that a woman will die every thirteen minutes from Breast Cancer, in the U.S.? Pretty alarming. I was definitely stunned by this statistic and was immediately moved to act in some way, shape or form.

Then I stumbled on the Susan G. Komen website. I read her story - Susan Komen's story is nothing short of inspiring. A must-read and wake up call for those of us who are stressing out about the "little things" - laundry piling up, the car breaking down (even if it is for the second, third or fourth time) the errands missed and the dinners burnt to a crisp.

The Komen website also has this great way to raise money and awareness: The "Passionately Pink for the Cure" program. By PARTICIPATING either individually or through the creation of a team, you choose a day, a week or even a month of activities or events to raise money and awareness. The website even has a list of ideas to choose from: Perhaps a Pink Bake Sale? or a Pink Pajama Party? Maybe a Pink Scavenger Hunt? or a Pink Birthday Party? Perfect for those of you who will celebrate your birthday in October!

With these crazy economical times, its difficult to donate money but there are many other ways we can help to make a difference. The first is simple - Awareness and Prevention: Conduct regular self examinations because Doctors believe that early detection can save your life. The American Cancer Society recommends, "yearly mammograms starting at the age of forty and clinical breast exams every three years for women in their twenties and thirties."

We can also SHOP from specific companies who support the Breast Cancer Research Foundation by selling their popular products in a pretty shade of pink. Every day items you probably would have spent your money on anyway, such as yogurt, cereal or maybe wine for an upcoming dinner party. Or items you may have already been in the market for, such as a new pair of reading glasses or a BPA free water bottle to replace your old one. And then there are the "gotta have it" products and the "too cute to pass up" products like Essie's perfect shade of pink nail polish or a piece of pretty jewelry from the Hearts and Hands Collection.

This is just a small list of the "Go Pink" products:

• Sutter Home Wine
• Mike's Hard Lemonade
• Pinky Vodka
• Send a Facebook Birthday Wish
• White House Black Market (yes, that's right Ladies!)
  
• New Balance Merchandise (shoes, T-shirts, etc.)
• Essie "We can do it!" Pink Nail Polish
• Peepers Reading Glasses
• Hearts and Hands Journey Collection (Jewelry)
• Trudeau's Hydration Water Bottle
• Wilson HOPE Tennis Racket
• Tom Boy Tools
• "Strength" Cell Phone Cases by Otter Box
• The Pink Ribbon Collection on Red Envelope
• The Pink Ribbon Place on Etsy
• "Pink Ribbon Heart" Necklace - Etsy
• Hope Courage Love Tile Necklace - Etsy
• Eco Friendly Sandwich Bag - Etsy

I have many family members and friends who's lives have been greatly affected by cancer either directly or indirectly. Breast Cancer is just one facet. In October this cause will be the center of my wishes, hopes and prayers. Through this seemingly tiny blog post, I hope to share and maybe even inspire everyone I know to Think Pink.