Thankful

As I reflect on the past year, the word thankful doesn't seem to cut it. I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of joy.
My life feels full and complete. And I am grateful for all of it - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Thankful for my husband who my heart still goes pitter-patter for after all these years.

Thankful for Jacob's long-awaited presence in our life and all of the many firsts we enjoyed together, as a family of three.

Thankful to my family, friends and soul-cysters who are a never-ending source of support and encouragement.

It's one thing to brave the journey alone but to be able to share that journey with other women who are dealing with the very same obstacles, frustration and grief. It is nothing short of a gift.

If you happen upon this blog and you are searching for answers and support surrounding infertility, miscarriage or infant loss, I urge you to reach out to us. Even those of us, who have been able to conceive and give birth to our miracle babies. We will keep you focused, determined and supported. More importantly, we'll help you see that miracles DO happen. Every day.

Just this morning, I received the amazing news that my good friend over at Punch Today in the Face is pregnant with her third miracle baby - Congratulations my friend!

This year has had its ups and downs. In the Spring, my little sister went in to have a lump removed from her breast. It was cancer. The good news is, it hadn't spread and they caught it early so she didn't have to endure chemotherapy. Instead, she was instructed to take a low grade radiation pill for a year. I pray that she is cured completely and that this is the last instance of  cancer for our family.

We endured but we also prevailed as a family. We fought hard and sometimes lost our minds alittle, but overall when I look back at 2012, I see lots and lots of things to be thankful for. Big things, like our little Jacob Mario and little things, like enjoying lunch at our favorite mexican restaurant in Ontario together, as a family.

Last night I found this free download via Dear Lizzy. It's a "Twelve Things We're Grateful for in 2012" list that I thought would be a perfect activity for the whole family before or after dinner. Check it out here.

I recently caught a glimpse of one of many neighborhoods in Staten Island who are still struggling to get back to normal life. It really puts things into perspective. Regardless of our individual situations, our past hurts and our current struggles, we all have something to be thankful for. Whether it's our health, the roof over our heads or the food on our tables, it's important to recognize what we do have and more importantly, to be genuinely thankful.

THANK YOU, for being a part of my journey!

Enjoy the Day!
Malissa

Even Miracles Take A Little Time

My miracle took 9 years. And even now, It's almost impossible for me to forget. And maybe I don't want to as crazy as that may sound.

Being labeled "infertile" was all I knew until just a little over a year ago. Until then, I woke up nearly every day wondering when I would become a Mom. Naturally, there were moments in between when I would throw my hands in the air and vow to move on but it just wasn't possible because usually within a day or two I was back to praying - wishing - hoping for a miracle.

How could I ever let go of this dream?

It wasn't as if I was wishing to be rich or famous. I wasn't dreaming of going to Europe or fancying an expensive sports car with all the bells and whistles. I didn't yearn to be a Pulitzer Prize winner or even a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. My dream was simple and very natural because of the obvious - with my being a woman and all. And never in a million years could I have ever guessed that I would one day face two miscarriages, a failed artficial insemination and a infertility diagnosis but I am so glad that I didn't give up. I have always tried to look at the bright side of things so when I think of the past 9 years, this is what I focus on:

1. My husband and I got to travel
2. I was able to figure out what I was meant to do in life
3. I never would have had the chance to connect with you!
4. I may not have started writing again

Today, I am a Mom and I couldn't be happier with that fact. And my heart will never forget the past 9 years but I am more than okay with that because it wasn't all bad. In fact, there were some pretty wonderful memories in there too. And I wholeheartedly believe that I am a better person and a better Mom today as a result.

I made many mistakes along the way and I endured more than I ever thought was possible but I also persevered and I learned so much about inner strength and the power of human connection - even when the connections are solely made through blog posts, emails and Facebook comments. (I could never really thank you all enough!)

Today and always, I truly hope that I can still be here for those of you who are still praying, wishing and hoping for a miracle. I say this often but I could never really say it enough - never lose hope!

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Visit Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope at: http://facesofloss.com/

Stepping Stones

How to grieve losing a baby that you never got to hold.

For me, losing two in utero initially felt like I had been punished. My body hadn't done it's job. It was easy to blame myself because who else could I blame? Simply put, I was the one who was supposed to take the egg and make it into a baby. It's only been in the last year that I have finally come to realize that it was really God saying that he had other plans for me and for my little babies. It's still hard to deal with at times but overall, I get it now and I feel completely able to help others through the grieving process. In fact, there is nothing I want more than to help other women follow the stepping stones through their own grief.  

My loss has truly opened my eyes to what is really important in life and I am humbled by the countless blessings I've been given. True friendships were solidified. And the door opened up for me to sit down and write via a blog - my very own place to share, sort out, learn, grow and to be consistently inspired. It has also been a great place for me to connect with other women who are dealing with P.C.O.S and loss. We carry each other at different times but we are always in it together - no matter what. In short, I have been very lucky to have the kind of encouragement and support I have been given and I want to pay it forward somehow.

Many have asked me questions related to how they can best help a loved one dealing with grief. It's difficult to sometimes know just what to say. Over the years I have heard many heartfelt words that have helped me through and also some that have unintentionally angered or hurt me. Today, I wholeheartedly believe that the best thing anyone could say to someone who has lost a baby or any loved one for that matter is, "I am so very sorry for your loss." That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And instead of saying, "I am here for you if you need anything," figure out what is in your heart to do and like a Nike ad, "Just Do It."

• Drop off a homemade casserole or some yummy baked goods
• Offer them your hand and/or a great big hug
• Encourage them to talk about their grief 
• Gift them a journal or to start a blog
• Encourage them to read blogs written by women who are experiencing the same kind of grief

I also believe that remembering our angel babies in a outward way is a crucial stepping stone in moving past the pain. I've done some research and would like to share the links of some pretty amazing websites that offer several different ways to remember them in a special way. There will probably always be some sadness but when we remember them outwardly by lighting a special candle or placing an angelic statue in our garden or even wearing a symbolic necklace, we will be able to think about their existence in our lives, no matter how short lived and we open up our hearts to feel blessed.

Blessed by their angelic spirits and by their love that shines down on us every single day. 

International Star Registry
Arbor Day Foundation
The Comfort Company
Planet Gift Bakets
Inspired Art Prints
Patricia Ann Jewelry Designs
Molly Bears
My Forever Child
La Belle Dame
Still Life 365
Christian's Beach

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

A Place To Be Remembered

Shasta-Trinity National Forest

I had to share this. This morning while checking my dashboard, I came across a post from one of my blogger friends: Miss C. The title is "The Angel List" and in it she explains that a tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest and below that she lists the names of babies either born preterm, still or by miscarriage. All in all, there will be 40 trees planted in honor of her own twins, Michael and Alena who they lost this past October.

As I scrolled down, I read the names of our two babies:

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

For a few seconds I couldn't catch my breath.

Tears started to fall down my face as I tried to wrap my head around what had just been given to us and to our babies - a physical place where they can be remembered forever - what an amazing gift. It is astounding to me that through her own pain, she has taken it upon herself to help others find peace by finding a place to memorialize their babies lost too soon. And even more amazing about all of this is that Miss C and I have never met face to face. We've never shared a cup of coffee or split a lunch bill. We've never talked on the phone or texted back and forth. We've only emailed and shared comments on each others blogs.

She lives in Washington and I in California so we will probably never get the chance to meet but we will always have a special bond and to all of the other bloggers out there who share our story. We are kindred spirits bound by a painful and life-changing circumstance. 

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

Thank you Miss C for giving our girls a tangible place to always be remembered - I feel so incredibly blessed by your friendship and love. 

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Nameless No More

Confession #1: Until last week I couldn't remember the date when I miscarried the first of my two babies. I remembered when I lost the second one because it was on New Year's Eve in 2006. I also hadn't remembered that I had lost them both in 2006.

Because they happened so early in my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to outwardly grieve their loss but the fact of the matter is that had everything gone perfectly, Leo and I would be raising three children instead of one. It wasn't until a blogger friend of mine shared her story that I started to really deal with this reality. I've thought about my angels countless times over the years but I never even whispered a word about their presence in my dreams - not even to Leo.

Confession #2 - in my dreams they are always girls and eventually to help me cope with their loss, I named them but again I never mentioned a word of it, not even to Leo. I guess I was worried that they would think I was crazy or that I was putting too much thought into it. But I needed so badly for them not to be nameless, much less forgotten. They existed even if it was for just a few weeks in my belly and they had the potential to be such beautiful little baby girls. To be able to write about them now, especially here makes me feel so much better because it solidifies their presence in my life.

And so this post is dedicated to my two angels - you were part of me for a very short time but you will forever reside in my heart. I love you both very much and look forward to meeting you one day up in heaven:

Sara Elizabeth - passed on 06/26/06
Olivia Michelle - passed on 12/31/06

For years, I have wanted to purchase jewelry in remembrance of them - I finally did it last week and I am so glad I did. The first is a necklace that I ordered from La Belle Dame and the other is a heart charm that I can attach to my bangle bracelet that says, "Mommy of Angels" on the front and on the back, the dates when we lost them will be engraved. I ordered it from My Forever Child.

Women don't often talk about their experiences with miscarriage and I completely get why - it's depressing no matter how you choose to bring it up. But for someone who has had one or more, it feels good to talk about it because it can be so very isolating when you don't. We need to work through the pain and the loss felt not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.

As always, thank you for allowing me to "come clean." To say that I feel better is a huge understatement. The sadness will always be there but the happiness that comes from talking about them completely washes it away, even for just a little while.

P.S. I have since opened up to Leo about all of this and I'm so glad I did because he also had been wanting to talk about it for some time now. 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Hold On To Hope

Image Source

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I given up. That's quite an opening statement, I know but this basic question has been on my mind for days now and I'm not even sure why. Things on the new-mom front are going overall really well. Jacob and I have sort of eased into a easy-going schedule and I couldn't feel more happy and fulfilled. 

Today, at 7 weeks old he is a pretty active baby - he loves more than anything to be bounced on my lap.
I know that sounds a bit crazy for his age but true. He's smiling and coo-ing a lot more now and he is so much more aware of his surroundings. I still watch him in awe when he's not looking, wondering what he's thinking about at that very moment.

The other day I noticed that his legs are too long for him to lay on my lap facing me and  he's already getting too big to take baths in the kitchen sink - when did this happen? He's growing so fast and yet, I still wonder - what if I had given up?

I wouldn't have his hands to hold or his feet to tickle. I wouldn't be able to smell the top of his head or watch him smile when I say aaa-booo! I wouldn't be able to witness all of the milestones that have already happened or the ones just in sight. Jacob is growing every day and every day I am reminded that dreams do come true - you just have to hold on to hope.

I know - easier said than done. I waited a long time for Jacob so I know that it can be a difficult, stressful and painful road but through the waiting, the hoping and the praying, I was able to figure out who I really was and what I was willing to go through to make my dream a reality and in the end, it was all worth it. Every doctors visit and medical test, every injection and blood draw, every hour spent researching and investigating and every last ovulation and pregnancy test. (and there were probably hundreds)   

  

Hope is a funny thing - sometimes it seems elusive but then when the one thing you always wanted happens, it instantly becomes tangible and you wonder why you doubted hope all along.

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy 

A Whim, a True Story and a Favor

On a whim, I decided to check my blogger account tonight to catch up on some reading before going to bed. As I scanned the recently published posts via my dashboard, I noticed one that I hadn't yet read from one of my favorite bloggers turned friends, Miss Conception.

The post was titled, "20 Weeks: All Gone" and my heart immediately dropped into my stomach. Miss C and her husband underwent IVF a few months ago and were pregnant with twins. The post was short but in it she lovingly announced the passing of their son and daughter on October 12th. Of course the tears are back and even as I sit here typing away, my heart aches for them - for the pain they must be enduring right now and for the heartache they will undoubtedly experience over the next few weeks, months and even years.

More than anything though, I am feeling SO much frustration and anger. And not at God, for some strange reason. Yes, it is extremely difficult to understand his plan for this amazing couple and the questions that are bound to naturally linger on everyone's mind is, "Why did this happen?" and "For what purpose?"

It's difficult to find purpose in something so tragic and painful. But more so, I'm angry because there are SO many people out there that have no idea what it feels like to have to struggle and go through gutt-wrenching situations like this one in order to one day have a family.

People who joke outwardly about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, people who accidentally get pregnant and then complain about the consequences they face and people who choose to abuse, neglect and abandon their children. Then I think about the countless children in foster care and group homes who just want be loved and taken care of and I wish to God that things were different.

We as women need to come to the realization that pregnancy is not a given or even a birth right. It may feel that way to most but I guarantee that if you spent some time reading a few blogs written by women who have been trying for years to get pregnant, suffering through not one, two or even three miscarriages but five, six or more, you'd have a completely different perspective.

Before I met these women, I felt lost and alone. Isolated from most of my loved ones and friends and not because they didn't care but because they didn't fully understand. And not because they didn't want to understand but because they hadn't experienced what I had. I thank God that these women made the decision to share their story. Because of them, I was finally able to find my footing and gain the strength I needed to continue hoping. I also felt better because I had the support of others who had gone through the exact thing I had.

Their stories were mine and my story was theirs.

I'd like to thank them for giving me the strength to get here:

Cherish This Baby
Infertility Overachievers
My Strand of Pearls
Fearfully. Wonderfully.
Hannah Wept - Sarah Laughed.

Lastly, I'd like to ask a favor - please say a prayer for my friend, Miss C and her husband and also for the countless women who are struggling to not only get pregnant but to keep their pregnancy and remember: pregnancy isn't a birth right - It's a miracle. Cherish your children - hug and kiss them every chance you get and never miss an opportunity to spend quality time with them. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate what they bring into your life: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I love you Miss C and will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this very difficult time. I am here if you need anything - anything at all.

Love,
Missy

What If?

This week is National Infertility Week! Naturally, I felt it was important for me to dedicate today's post to the cause by doing my part to help spread awareness. Because let's face it - even though us girls will pretty much talk about everything and anything - infertility is probably not at the top of our list. Because of this, most women who struggle with infertility live with it silently, causing themselves shame, internal pain and conflict.

I recently stumbled upon this video by Keiko Zoll of Hannah Wept Sara Laughed by visiting my friend MissConception's website. I urge you to watch this short video no matter what your own situation is and then please, share it with others because you may unknowingly have several women in your life who are silently dealing with infertility now or who will face it in the very near future.


What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

The fact is that today, 1 in 8 couples will face infertility and because it's not often discussed in the public forum, the lack of awareness contributes to the fact that infertility is still not recognized as a disease by the public, our politicians, healthcare professionals and the media. The end result is very little support and resources for women who are doing their best to navigate through what can be a completely overwhelming and gutt-wrenching process.

Another reason National Infertility Week is so important is to use this week to bust the myths. There are countless myths out there causing infertiles unnecessary stress and grief when faced with a loved one who is trying to help but may not be aware of the myths still thought of as facts. Here are two that I've encountered over the years:

Myth #1: If you relax, you will get pregnant
Well-meaning friends and relatives may suggest "infertility is all in your head" or "if you'd stop worrying so much, you'd get pregnant." But in reality, infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system -- and not a psychological disorder. In fact, one or more physical causes are identified in the vast number of infertile couples. So while relaxing, going on vacation, or finding positive ways to de-stress can improve your overall well-being, these lifestyle changes won't solve your infertility problems.

Myth #2: Once a couple adopts a child, the woman will become pregnant This particular myth is not only painful for infertile couples to hear, but it's also untrue. First of all, it suggests that adoption is simply a means to an end (a pregnancy), and not, in and of itself, a valid and wonderful way to form a family. Secondly, only about 5 percent of couples who do adopt later become pregnant. This success rate is the same for couples who don't adopt and become pregnant without further treatment.

Oddly enough, I myself know someone who got pregnant after their adoption paperwork had been finalized so it makes the second myth, at least for me, hard not to believe but the fact still remains - the percentage is only 5%. So as you go about your day, I urge you to use this one week (really, only 4 days left) to not only educate yourself but to help spread awareness of this growing issue for women.

If you are currently dealing with infertility alone - I encourage you to share your story with close family and friends and/or find a support group of women who going through the very same thing. (contact RESOLVE to locate a support group near you) Personally, I would highly recommend starting your own blog - even if it's just for your eyes only. Writing, for me, has been by far the single most cathartic thing I've done for myself over the past three years and you would be pleasantly surprised at the number of bloggers out there writing about their own struggles and triumphs over infertility.

For me, this group of women has taught me more in the last three years about infertility than any doctor or resource guide. Plus, when given the chance, they will jump at any opportunity to show their support and encouragement every step of the way. Regardless of my current situation (I finally triumphed over infertility after 9 years of trying!) my story is still very much a part of who I am today and  I often wonder, what if?

What if in the early stages of my story, I had the same circle of support I have now? What if I had access to the resources I have today? What if I had been able to save myself some valuable time? 

Now it's your turn to ask yourself...What if?