All Smiles

Thank you for all of the sweet emails and comments, posts and prayers. These past two days, we have felt completely wrapped in love and prayer - what a great feeling! We are truly blessed to have such amazing and loving people our life.   

Tomorrow marks seven weeks into my pregnancy.  

Every morning when I wake up, it only takes a second for me to get this insanely huge smile on my face. 



To catch you up on the latest: Last Friday, Leo and I went to our first ultrasound. I was naturally very nervous. A bit apprehensive. And a little anxious, which means that I was a cool, calm and collected basket case. (makes sense to me!)

God must of been watching over me because we were called into the exam room within just a few minutes of signing in and then if that wasn't enough, Dr. Jacobson was in our room five minutes later, with a big smile on his face. He joked that he had heard a rumor....we both laughed and I was finally able to relax a little. 

He proceeded with the ultrasound, with Leo by my side, squeezing my hand. Thankfully, it wasn't long before we were able to see our little bean. He/She was too small to measure but we did get to see some flickering, which the doctor explained was the heart beat. This was a HUGE moment for us. Big, because with the previous two, we never saw a heartbeat. Surprisingly, I didn't cry - I was too happy to cry. In those few minutes, nothing else mattered and we couldn't take our eyes off the screen. 

It was just the two of us...watching our little bean on the screen
(Thank you, Jesus!) 

Of course, I had lots of great questions I had planned on asking but they all went out the window because I was still "buzzing" from the ultrasound. Dr. Jacobson took me off work until April 4th, which will get me safely into my second trimester. Bed-rest wasn't mentioned, thank goodness but I am definitely taking it easy, trying to do my best to occupy my time, while Leo is at work.

Sunny and Quincy have proven to be no help as they sleep most of the day but my sisters and nieces paid me a visit yesterday morning to make me a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, potatoes and biscuits and gravy - what a treat! We had a great time catching up and it felt good to be able to have them here to share in my excitement. It's been a whirlwind these past two weeks: a whirlwind of great happiness, pure love and the knowledge that miracles do happen when you least expect them to. And I'm all smiles.    

Enjoy the Day!

Missy 

Stunned. Elated. Over the Moon Happy.

I've really been happier than I've been in years, content with letting go of all the pain and turmoil that PCOS and multiple miscarriages can cause. Completely satisfied with our decision not to try another round of IUI.

Instead, I have been focusing more on my marriage, my career, my Twelve by 2012 and whatever time I have left has been put into organizing fundraisers to raise money for Autism Speaks. But just when life couldn't get any better, something AMAZING happened to completely turn my/our world (willingly and happily) upside down. 

This morning at 4 am to be exact, I was completely and wonderfully caught by surprise

A positive pregnancy test....after literally hundreds of negative ones

I was stunned. elated. over the moon happy.

I immediately woke Leo up to get a second opinion and although he was still half-asleep, he confirmed the same thing I saw - a second line indicating that I was in fact, pregnant! I just stood there for a minute or two. No words - just a great big smile on my face. After some coaxing, I got back into bed and we both lay there talking and planning our next steps. Leo was his usual calm, cool and collected self and me on other hand, not so much.

My brain was buzzing with excitement and I couldn't seem to focus on any one particular thought. After we said everything we could have said on the subject, we both got really quiet I was finally able to relax. I let the idea of me being a Mom swim through my thoughts. Soon after, Leo had to get up to get ready for work and I opted to stay home on the couch to soak it all in. To relish in this moment that I've been waiting for, for nearly four years. I also wanted to be able to talk to my doctor about "the plan" before going back to work. 

Our very first doctor's appointment and ultrasound is scheduled for Friday at 9:30 am and I am off to get ready to go to the lab to have a blood test done. I can't thank all of you enough - for your prayers and encouragement, your love and support through all of this. I am tear-ing up, just thinking about the love that you have all surrounded me with. Today is definitely a very good day! 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Recent Events and The Big Question

 
It's been a couple of days since my last post. Work has been busy and on my off-hours, I've been working on planning two fundraisers to raise money for Walk Now for Autism. My family and I participate every year in support of our nephews, Xavier and Alexander. (I interrupt this post with a short and painless ask: I'm looking for generous people to sponsor me and/or donate in-kind items for our silent auction. If you are interested, please email me at missyah1@sbcglobal.net) 

I'm happy to report that I've been pretty consistent about eating a healthy breakfast every morning and taking my multi-vitamin and fish oil pill but the eliminating caffeine goal is sort of touch and go. I'm definitely drinking more water than before and when I do slip, it's usually for a can of coke instead of my usual starbucks caramel frappaccino - those of you who live by Starbucks fraps on a daily basis know what I mean. (Anyone? Anyone?) It's a very difficult vice to give-up. 

Last weekend LH and I finally went to the sporting goods store to buy our running shoes. $130 later and we were ready to begin training! We had our first session on Monday night - let's just say I have never felt more out of shape in my entire life. However, I was proud that I stuck it out for nearly 45-minutes and I wasn't nearly as sore as I thought I would be the next day. Unfortunately, LH came down with a bad cold so we've put it off for the past few days. (Yes, I know I am perfectly capable to go by myself but well, someone has to stay home to take care of him...was that convincing enough?)

This past Monday I met with the Director for our Adult Program at the University to register for my very first class at La Verne. You may very well be looking at (so to speak) the newest member of the Class of 2014. And as strange as it may sound, I'm really looking forward to getting back into the classroom. I'm sure the excitement will wear off after a few weeks but I'm enjoying the "honeymoon and I'm registered!" phase for now.

Which brings me to my next topic of conversation: over the past couple of weeks I have had several loved ones ask me what our next move is and whether we are planning on trying another round of IUI. (Thank you for asking!) I know this is going to sound crazy to some of you but we have decided against it. First, let me explain - I haven't given up. I'm just letting go - a bit. Truthfully it would be impossible for me to ever really let go of my dream of having a baby.  

However, I do have a plan and I know what I am going to do. I'm going to keep staying positive, keep taking better care of myself and use my Twelve by 2012 as my map to keep living in the moment. Set my sight on things that are within my grasp because I need to stop letting this issue run my life, my emotions, my confidence and my outlook. I'm done with the doctor appointments, the procedures and the too-many-to-count negative pregnancy tests. It's been nearly six years of planning, researching, obsessing, speculating and yes, even more researching.

Interestingly enough, over the past week I've been reading the book, The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. It's written by a doctor who after experiencing infertility and miscarriages, studied and received a Masters in Ancient Chinese Medicine. It started off really interesting but after the first two chapters, it started to feel more like a chore. Then last night, I forced myself to open it up and after flipping through most of the book, I stumbled over this little nugget of information that I thought I would share with those of you who like me, are grappling with the possibility of letting go and moving on:

The chapter starts with this poem, written by Tao Te Chung:

If you want to become whole, 

let yourself be partial. 

If you want to become straight, 

let yourself be crooked. 

If you want to become full, 

let yourself be empty. 

If you want to be reborn, 

let yourself die. 

If you want to be given everything, 

Give everything up.  

Deep, right? And here is a excerpt from the same chapter: 

Over and over I have seen the ending of the pursuit of fertility become an opening to a fuller idea of who we are. There will be grief and mourning, of course. We must move through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - before we can take a look at what we would like the rest of our life to be. 

But in my experience, like the child who lets go of the table leg to take his or her first step, women who consciously choose to let go when they know the time is right find it much easier to step into life after infertility. Sometimes the point where we find our soul is the point where we finally let go. Shedding the identity of being a biological mother or of being an "infertile" woman can mean loss, or it can mean discovering the deepest truths about ourselves. Our ability to have children and our role as mother is only part of who we are.

I can't say that I'm there yet and and it's difficult for me to see a point in my life where I will be ready to truly let go and move on but I do have the power to make the best of my life today, in the now. I'm already loving life without being concerned about cycles and looming doctors appointments. I can leap in the air, just from knowing that my long nights of sometimes obsessive reading and researching are finally over.

I'm finally (big exhale) on the right path. It's been a long road to get here. The best part of this road is knowing that instead of feeling like a door is closed, I know that the door is actually wide open.

Today

Photo by CaptPiper

Today, I received some bad news about a friend's husband's failing health and it really got me thinking. I kept thinking about everything she must be going through. Oh, how I wish I could make all of this go away for her. I can't even fathom. It definitely puts things into perspective and it makes my situation seem tiny in comparison. The pain and grief I've been dealing with is very different but in so many ways, I know it could never, ever compare.

I've got to stop letting this situation overwhelm me and start focusing on the here, the now and most especially, the future. Stop focusing on what I can't control and instead, focus on the things I can control. And most importantly, appreciate what I do have, instead of what I don't have. Because when I do focus on the good things...no matter how big or small...I feel overwhelmingly grateful.

Grateful to be alive, grateful to be in love and to be loved 
Grateful for moments of clarity like this one
And grateful to all of you - for your love, friendship and support 

Grateful for warm clothing, shoes to cover my feet and for my little leopard umbrella for keeping me dry these past couple of rainy days. I'm grateful for the unlimited opportunities to spend time with my loved ones - keeping in mind that I am the only one who can turn each opportunity into a reality.

Grateful for quiet stolen moments spent listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops on our bedroom window and grateful for the cup of hot cocoa enjoyed standing inside the Carnation Cafe in Disneyland at the end of our rainy day adventure on Monday. (And what an adventure it was!)

Grateful for new experiences, for self-discovery and for the people in my life who remind me to think and dream BIG. Grateful for everything I have, everything I'm able to give and everything I'm able to do whether its running upstairs, skipping across the shopping center parking lot, singing in the car or dancing in the privacy of my bedroom.

It's hard to believe that only just a few days ago I felt crippled by my frustration and grief but today is a new day. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish I could wave a magic wand so that everything could go back to normal for my friend and her family. I guess this is just a reminder of just how fragile our lives really are. Life is a gift that's never promised. For me. For today - I'm unbelievably grateful.

For my friend and her family, I'm hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle!     

My Way

I've been feeling a bit off lately. It's probably a combination of my never-can-tell hormones and the looming questions in my head about whether we should continue trying to have a baby. (I know...I'm there...again)

I've been over this a million times.  
 
The realization hit me recently that if we did get pregnant next year and I'm able to carry the baby to full term when he/she turns 20, I would be 58 years old and Leo 60. And if our son or daughter has a child at let's say 20 years old, I would be (gulp!) 78 and Leo 80. I don't like these numbers. I don't like them one bit. They make it difficult not to feel as though our "window of opportunity" has passed us by and it feels as though it happened in a blink of an eye.

Well intentioned family and friends are always telling me that I need to keep fighting, to stay positive and just do everything the doctor tells me to do. Or my favorite, "As soon as you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen." (If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that one!) Instead of a hefty helping of positivity and advice, I just wish they would say, "I am so sorry that this is happening to you" or, "How are you coping with all of this?" so that maybe I could talk all it out with someone other than myself. Because...

I hate feeling like I'm giving up
I'm battling myself even now, as I type
More than anything, I want to feel whole again
And I feel the need to protect myself from more loss and disappointment. 

I wish they knew (without actually having to go through this) just how difficult it is to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have no control over the outcome. Especially when the outcome means more possible loss. I'm feeling physically and emotionally tired of wishing and waiting, hoping and praying. And I'm especially exhausted from being on this crazy roller coaster of emotions where one moment I'm feeling as though I could fight this fight for another 10 years and other days, like this one, where I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat.

And it's easy to feel broken

Every day I have to FIGHT to stay positive. I have to CHOOSE to live my life instead of wallow in my grief. If my plan is working, I'm making it look easy. Some days it IS very easy to stay positive and to live my life the best way I know how but other days, I find myself hiding behind a smile or avoiding a conversation in fear that I may "lose it" or worse, risk making someone feel uncomfortable. But that's what I have to do for my sanity because the alternative scares me even more.

Depression

Depression is a word I don't like to think about or consider. I avoid it at all cost. I refuse to let it win or take over, even for a short while. There are many aspects, about this situation, that I have no control over so I most definitely try to control every other part of my life. It makes me feel, better and well, in control. So, even now with the lingering questions still swimming around in my head, I am already secretly allowing myself to control other things that may not make any sense at all.

Like, what I will eat for breakfast in the morning and how the kitchen table will be set for New Year's Eve. It's all trivial, I know but it's my way. As crazy as that may sound.

It's just my way

The Big Idea

Thanks to a very good friend of mine, I have been thinking a great deal about something that I really haven't considered or tried yet. And it may sound a little crazy to some of you but I'd eat only grapefruit for a year, if that's what I need to do to get and carry a pregnancy to full term.

Are you ready? Ready for...the big idea?
I've decided to take a completely holistic approach to my infertility.

Courtesy of: The Holistic Approach by Wendy Tran

I've officially dived in head first by spending the last few hours researching various websites, articles and books. So far, I've found some really great resources. My first find was this really great article, called, "Keep the Doctor Away - A Holistic Approach to Fertility."

This particular statement really resonated with me:

"Holistic fertility offers an entirely different approach, one in which women actively participate making lifestyle changes and using traditional treatments which have been shown to help women become pregnant." "It combines working with traditional approaches from yoga, oriental medicine as well as nutrition and the focus is upon achieving balance within the whole body and mind, to prepare for conception."

The thing that strikes me the most about this statement is the "women actively participating" part because well, up to this point - I haven't really felt in control of this whole situation. I've definitely felt frustrated, angry and even helpless at times but never in control. I've had several doctors over the last decade - many who didn't seem to have a clue about PCOS or infertility. And every step we've taken so far has been out of my need to find answers. Not because a doctor has steered us in the right direction. 

That's probably, for many, the root of the problem. It's easy to sit back and let the doctor's figure it out. But also, isn't that what we are taught? - to follow the doctor's orders? We are really never given the chance to try "alternative methods." And the stress - the stress that is caused by infertility and the treatments associated with them, the miscarriages and the painful side affects to PCOS - the stress has to be a factor, when looking at the big picture. It's easy for a doctor to say "Take it easy" or "Try to avoid stress" but they never give you real tangible answers - like trying yoga and acupuncture, which are both part of the holistic approach.

Please don't misunderstand - I am not saying that doctors are unnecessary. They are. And they will always be necessary. But maybe, just maybe there are instances when alternatives methods should be at least considered. (when it is safe to do so) And I guess, in this stage of the game, what do I or Leo have to lose?

I'm excited. Literally chomping at the bit to learn everything there is to know and ready to put the holistic approach to the test. Thank god, for hope.

The Day After

I stayed home today. I didn't plan it, I just woke up and knew that I wasn't ready. Not ready to smile - genuinely and wholeheartedly. Not ready to answer questions or explain the reasons for my being unusually quiet. I'm just not ready. Not quite yet.

Yesterday I was at peace but today, there is another feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I just feel as though something died in me. I know, I know - could I be more dramatic? But you have to understand - this is BIG. This was our life - as we imagined it. I usually put a positive spin on things - especially here, when I write - not always for your benefit but mostly for mine. Because when I do, it makes me feel as though everything is right in the world.

But just this once, I don't think I can put a positive spin on this particular post. So, if you were looking for a negative, wallowing in self-pity post in my blog - I guess, well - here it is. You've found it. (Please don't bookmark it.)

It's just hard. Really hard not to feel angry and cheated. It's difficult not to question or wonder where I went wrong. Probably because I've always done everything right.

I've always been a rule follower
I've been called a "goody-goody" more times in my life than I can count
I've never done drugs, not even a puff of a single cigarette
I drink moderately, only in social situations
I've always lived my life on the straight and narrow path
I've worked really, really hard for everything I have

And I really, really wanted this....

More than anything else in my life. Besides being a wife,

I wanted to experience being pregnant - to be able to watch my belly grow
I wanted to experience childbirth with Leo by my side - every step of the way
Simply put, I wanted to be able to give Leo a baby

And what breaks my heart the most is knowing that I may never get to see what our kids would have looked like. Would they have had my eyes? And Leo's nose? My complexion or Leo's smile?

Instead, I am left with lots of unanswered questions. And I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I do know what I should do. Pray. Pray for answers. And for comfort and peace of mind. And I will but not today. Today, I am just allowing myself to feel sad. It sort of feels like a death in the family. Only there isn't a funeral or a casket. There are no "Sympathy" cards or "We are sorry for your loss" messages. It's more of an internal loss - for Leo and I - one that is difficult to wrap your mind around or to make any sense of.

I suppose it is just one of those things in life, a curve ball if you will, that is thrown our way - to either teach us a lesson or send us off on a different path. Either way, I know that it is not my place to question his decisions. (although I sort of did, earlier in this post, but I'm sure he understands) I'm just trying to cope with this the best way I can. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Confirmation

It happened. This morning. Confirmation that I am not pregnant. 

There were a few tears, but overall, even as I sit on my bed under the covers, writing this post, I am surprisingly feeling at peace with everything. Despite my disappointment and the bit of sadness in the pit of my stomach, I am in a good place. Right here. Now. In this moment.

Leo is definitely a big reason for my mood. He's amazing - have I mentioned that you to before? I'm sure I have but I'll say it again. He's just an amazing husband. He always knows exactly what to say and he has this unwavering air of peacefulness that surrounds him. He held me and let me say what was on my mind. He reassured and comforted me. He even got me to laugh, joking "At least we still have our crazy cats!" We do have crazy cats - that's true. This morning Quincy woke Leo up at 3:30 by opening and closing the bathroom cabinet door. Leo said he had food in his bowl so he must of just wanted his "partner in crime" to wake up so they could play.    

Anyway, up until Saturday, I was feeling really positive. I even allowed myself to talk about all of the "what if's" on Friday night, at Pomona Valley Mining Company - our eleventh wedding anniversary dinner. We talked about what we would do to the extra bed room to turn it into a nursery - the colors, the textures and the furniture. (I know, we are both crazy) And I had also been thinking about names. If it was a girl, Sophia or Sophie. And it if it had been a boy, Jacob. 

I do know that I need a break to figure out some things, before deciding what our next move is - do we try artificial insemination again or do we move on to adoption? Or do we go on living a life without kids? We could both go back to school in the Spring for practically nothing at La Verne. And we could travel more. Leo and I are blessed in many ways, with many different options.

What I refuse to do is let this circumstance affect our marriage and our happiness anymore.

In the past, I let it seep into every area of my life. I allowed this situation to rule me and my emotions. Giving in to fears and negativity. Feeling like less than a woman, a disappointment and a failure. It's almost as if I was saying to myself, "You are not worthy of happiness." Because let's face it, I am big on "Happy Endings" and most happy endings typically end with a family that includes a couple of kids, a dog and maybe a cat. I suppose it is time to re-think that image in my head.

The "Happy Ending" for us may not include kids. It's not perfect. But that's life. Imperfect. Ever-changing. Full of tough decisions but also full of unexpected joy and fleeting moments of sheer happiness. I am definitely ready though. Ready to let go of the pain and live the life that was intended for us and only us. Ready for our very own happy ending. Whatever that may be.

As always, thank you so much for listening! (reading)
And for your love, encouragement and support!

XoXo,
Malissa

Promises Made

Photo by: SRSR

The artificial insemination this morning went perfectly! (Yay!) 

On the way home, I said a little prayer. And in my quiet desperation, I promised things. Lots of things. I promised I would be a better person. A better wife, a better sister and a better friend. I promised that I would go to church every Sunday and that I wouldn't drink anymore - not even socially - not one itty-bitty drink. I promised I would spend much less and volunteer more. And I promised I would finally kick my caffeine habit and take better care of my health. I promised these things because when I think of the road so far and the possibility of me being a Mom after this morning's procedure, nothing else compares. Nothing. Nothing else is too hard to give up or to improve upon. Not after this.

So far, this experience has taught me more than any other experience in my life. It's taught me to value life in its purest form. And that memories with our loved ones and friends are what really matters at the end of the day. And most importantly, that nothing is ever promised or owed to us. This particular lesson has definitely been a very large and irregularly shaped pill for me to swallow. But it is what it is. And without a doubt, this "dip in the road" has definitely made me stronger. It's also helped me in what seems like my never-ending quest not to sweat the "little things"  and to focus on the bigger overall picture. To really appreciate what I have and to forget about all the "stuff" that we sometimes place too much value in. 

I made lots of promises to God this morning and even now, several hours later, I don't regret making any of them. My only regret is that it took this experience to make these promises but you know what they say, "From your mouth to God's ears." Now, I can only pray and think positive baby thoughts. Because ultimately, the outcome to all of this, is in his hands now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for listening by reading this blog. Thank you for your constant support, for your prayers and for encouraging me to say what's really on my mind. And most importantly, thank you for helping me move past the pain by validating my feelings. Even the not-so-pretty ones. It's easy to lose your way. But it's (usually) just as easy to find your way back with a little help from your family and friends.

Day 12: Ultrasound = Green Light

I just wanted to write a quick post to let you all know how this morning's ultrasound went.  Overall, it went really well.

The ultrasound technician evaluated and measured the lining of my uterus and my ovaries to see how I responded to the medication. The good news is, I have two eggs in each ovary. (Yay!)  She also pointed out though that they were a bit smaller than she would have liked to see and she was also concerned about the lining being thin so she prescribed a medication called Estradiol, which is basically a man-made form of estrogen to help thicken the lining.  It was sort of comical because while she was measuring and re-measuring the lining, she asked me twice if I had been experiencing any hot flashes.  I told her "no" but immediately thought, "Wait - had I?" Lol!
 
After the technician went over the plan for the next few days, the nurse came in to show Leo how to administer the second injection, which is scheduled for Wednesday between 4-6pm and then on Friday we will be ready for our biggest day yet - the artificial insemination! 

Still holding on to hope!
Thank you for your prayers!

Day Nine: A Very Good Thing

Today marks days nine so Leo and I went to the Doctor's office this morning for our "injection administering training." I was a little nervous, but Leo on the other hand was simply put - amazing.

The nurse showed us, step by step how to mix the two different medications and then how to administer the final product. I was definitely a bit nervous at this point but I was didn't utter a peep - trying to concentrate on every detailed step. Then when it was time for one of us to actually do it, Leo stepped up and took care of everything - he followed each step perfectly, mixing the powders one by one with a vial of liquid. And then he administered the shot like a pro! Quick and utterly painless.

After we left the doctor's office, on our way to work, I started to feel some moderate cramping, which in this case, is a very GOOD thing. They are still coming and going as the day goes on and each time I smile a little. I know, that probably seems crazy but I'm happy because my body is finally responding! This definitely gives me hope to stay positive and that's exactly what I'm going to do!

My Weekend Schedule: Think Positive. Be Happy. And Relax.

Happy Thoughts (Day 4)

If only I could capture them in jar and place them on my kitchen table for safe keeping. And there they would stay, until the need should arise, which is often these days. I try to focus on the good things. I listen to happy songs and avoid the sad ones. I only watch movies with happy endings, I pray and and I tell myself to "suck it up."  But despite all of my efforts, I still feel sad. Writing helps for a few days and then I start to feel  overwhelmed and maybe even a bit "over myself" and this whole blogging thing. Who am I anyway? My pain is not unique. It's just me. Frustrated and struggling to make it through.Three steps forward and two steps back. 

I try to make sense of everything.

I think about what may have happened to trigger these feelings.

It could be the lack of coffee in my system. As of today, I have been coffee free for five whole days - no small feat. Or more importantly, it could be the fact that my body is not responding to the Clomid. Nothing. Nada. Not even a hint. No cramping, bloating or dizzy spells. And not even the slightest bit of nausea. Pretty ironic that I am wishing I was feeling something horribly uncomfortable, like nausea. Truth: I'd do anything to feel morning sickness right about now. But today is day three out of five. Over half of the prescription is swimming through my body and its as if they were nothing more than sugar pills.

My happy place eludes me. Quickly slipping through my fingers. In the daytime, most of the time, I am good - great even. Then I come home, tired and aware of the impending heartache. I try to wave it off and send it on its way. Come back another day, like the song that children sing when rain comes to ruin their fun. I dig deep and let myself breathe in and out a few times. I try to think about the big picture. I force the images of the people I love in my head. To feel happy, whole and hopeful.

I had every intention to stay positive the whole way through but my tendencies towards protecting myself from possible bad news prevents me from letting that happen. I worry that I will be stuck here forever. In the pain. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be able to move forward. I want to feel as though I am living the life God intended me to live. I worry he'll think I'm ignoring all of the wonderful gifts and blessings he put in my life. Dismissing them like a spoiled child - when I grieve and pray for a miracle.

I say (write) things here I wouldn't normally say. Not even to my husband, my family or close friends. I know, it's strange because most of them will eventually read it all here anyway. But it's the perfect place for me. Here, I never have to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable. Or work hard to keep my pain and fears under wraps. My words are carefully constructed and organized. Never minced. And once I say (write) it, it's instantly validated at the touch of a (publish) button. No judgement. No "you should have done this" or "why haven't you tried this?" And most importantly, no uncomfortable silences or awkward pauses. Just my thoughts and feelings written down, right here, when I feel the need. Like tonight. Now. In this weak moment.

My pain is not unique. This is just me moving three steps forward and two steps back. And tomorrow is a new day.

Day 1 of Round 1

Today is The Day!

Today marks the first day of round one. (gulp) On day three, I start taking clomid once a day for 5 days - to stimulate my ovaries. Then on day 9, I will go in for my first injection of FSH to further stimulate my ovaries. (fun stuff, I know) Next, I will have an ultrasound on day 12 to see if my body is responding to the medication. This will definitely be an important day because if it works, we can move on to scheduling the artificial insemination. (Hoping, praying and keeping our fingers crossed)

I am recording this season of Giuliana and Bill on Style Network so last night I was able to watch the first two episodes. In episode one, they attempted one round of artificial insemination but were unsuccessful and in the second episode, they tried IVF and were given the good news that they were pregnant. Unfortunately, I already know how it all ends. Sadly, Giuliana ends up miscarrying and then trying IVF a second time. My heart breaks for them but I have to admit, I am also really HAPPY that they decided to share their story so that they can use their semi-celebrity status to hopefully shed some light on this very important and ever growing issue. If you have the ability to TIVO, I highly recommend recording it! If you don't mind, silly, cheesy, funny shows. And don't worry - it's not depressing, I promise! Mostly due to Guiliana - she's a crack-up!

Just a little side-note, as I left for work this morning, I couldn't resist putting the car in idle to take a photo of the roses that are blooming in front of our house. (Thanks to Leo!)

As always, thank you for listening (reading)!

On Days Like This One

On days like this one, to quiet my mind, I will usually take a few minutes to check my home page on facebook. I'll quickly scroll down and read the many posts from my family members, friends and co-workers - past and present. And usually I'll see a handful of posts that involve spending time with their kids. And yes. Of course, you can guess what happens next. Especially now, with the hope in my heart, as a result of us deciding to try artificial insemination, I will immediately wonder what my life would be like if I was a stay-at-home Mom. Or a Mom who works, which will most likely (if all goes as planned) be me. (I hope and pray)

On days like this, it's not hard to imagine myself keeping the kids busy with craft projects, day trips and carefully planned-down-to-the-minute excursions. Leo and I implementing our very own family traditions and peppering in some that were a part of our own childhoods, for good measure. It's hard to imagine, for me, exactly what it would be like because of the obvious. I do know that being a Mom would change everything. Unlike my days at work, there would be no breaks. No vacation or sick days. And no paid compensation, except for the many hugs, kisses and "I love you's."

On days like this, I wonder what kind of Mom I would be. Would I be strict or passive? Patient or flustered? Would I miss all of the "girlfriend time" I have now, with my friends who I love and adore? The quiet shopping trips and the lazy Sundays spent on the couch with Leo and our two cats. Or more importantly, would he and I make a good team? It's hard to tell but in my heart of hearts, I would like to think that we would be good parents. And I would like to think that I would be a good Mom. Not a perfect Mom. Or even a Mom to aspire to be like. Just me. It's easy to get lost in thoughts like these. On days like this.

Our Choice

We met with our doctor this morning.

And although he was kind and extraordinarily patient, the information he was dispensing was dizzying for me. I found myself secretly wishing I'd brought a note pad and pen to write everything down to avoid missing or misunderstanding anything. He explained in great detail, our two very different "best case scenarios" and their individual success rates, the possible risks and side affects, and most importantly, the estimated costs. Artificial Insemination would cost $1K each time and they would only permit three rounds. In Vitro Fertilization would cost $15K.

Which before I move on, I have to ask a question - why aren't handouts available for this sort of thing? It seems like such an obvious need to me. It would be so much easier on the patient to have something tangible. To make an educated decision. And it would probably alleviate unnecessary stress and worrying because it would all be there on paper in black and white. Spelled out. Easy to refer back to. No more unnecessary phone calls to the Doctors office. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Back to the actual point of this post: We discussed our options in great detail and asked lots of questions. Dr. Jacobson took the extra time to sketch a quick drawing of how artificial insemination works. My main question (ie. fear) was whether or not another miscarriage could be prevented. I had hoped he'd have a better answer but it is a very definite possible outcome for me, based on my history and my age. I must of been pretty transparent because without missing a beat, he handed me a box of tissue and the tears began to fall. (sigh)

I guess I sort of panicked. You know me. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life and I'm just not comfortable with uncertainty. And I certainly would never choose to put myself at risk for another gutt-wrenching miscarriage, especially if I could prevent it. I needed a definite answer because when all is said and done, its difficult not to feel like I am the problem. Would I be opening myself up to another failure and more guilt? Or if we decide to walk away, would I have regret, or even worse, would Leo resent me for giving up?

Thankfully, Dr. Jacobson kept calm. He seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. He even seemed to slow down his sentences, obviously for my benefit. He didn't sugar coat anything nor did he go out of his way to give us false hope. He just stuck with what he could do. What he could control. The tears stopped almost as fast as they had started because it was easy to see that he genuinely cared. We asked for some time to consider our options but as soon as he left the room, we very quickly made our decision. To try. We decided to try (gulp) artificial insemination, after Homecoming Weekend - sometime in mid to late November, depending on my cycle.

On our way out of the doctor's office, we were given a handout, (thank goodness!) that outlined the steps for our first round of artificial insemination. I have to admit, I am a bit nervous about giving myself injections but at the end of the day, we got our much needed answers and "best case scenarios" so we were able to leave feeling confident and hopeful. Confident in our choice and hopeful for a positive outcome.

The Big Day

Tomorrow is the Big Day.

Our Day for Answers. And Best Case Scenarios.

I kept myself busy today. My futal attempt to avoid the inevitable. (I know, I am very predictable) Most of it at work and then instead of going home, I went on the hunt for a Halloween costume for me to wear to my little Atom's first birthday - no such luck. Side Note: Costumes are anywhere from $29 to $89 - Yikes! Even a simple wig was $19. I may have to get creative and come up with something using items I already own. (Any ideas?!)

Next, I went to the bank and then I made a stop to grab a bite to eat. Even while I ate, I busied myself by cleaning out the black hole that is my favorite black handbag. After my quick bite, I headed to CVS where I spent the next hour and thirty minutes putting together a digital photo album of my trip to Arkansas. Then off I went to the grocery store to grab a few things for the coming week - eggs, bread, milk - nothing exciting. This is largely due to the fact that Homecoming Weekend is just a few weeks away so we will be consuming very little home cooked meals for awhile. (It's times like these when I wish we had a personal chef!)

Anyhow, back to my crazy-must-stay-busy tirade; by now it was getting dark outside and my energy level was beginning to wane so I resolved myself to heading home instead of making another attempt to find my too-cute-for-words costume. When I got home, I put the groceries away and watered the few plants that have managed to stay alive despite my forgetting to water them on a regular basis. Hung up some laundry, washed my face and then as I was brushing my teeth, I started to think about the thing I was trying so hard not to think about.

The looming doctor's visit is tomorrow morning - the one where we will finally be given our options. The road has been long and arduous. Stressful, painful and overwhelming at times. But the feelings that came next surprised me. Even though I was still nervous and anxious, my fears had been replaced by a sense of relief. Because after more than eight years, we will finally be out of the dark. We will get our much needed and long awaited answers - or at the very least, our best case scenario. The thought of this kind of news (for a change) makes me want to leap for joy.

Right now. In this moment. I am comforted by the knowledge that we are nearing the end of this very windy road. Encouraged by the possibilities. And if all goes well, satisfied with the outcome. Whatever that may be. Tomorrow is a big day and I am enjoying this very unexpected clarity and peace of mind. (Thank you, God!) And thank you, to all of you - for your unwavering love, encouragement and prayers. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

The Date

Photo by: Bonnix

The date has been set. Our doctor's appointment to go over all of the test results and discuss our options is scheduled for Monday, October 4th at 9:15 a.m. And I'm scared.

Scared mostly of the unknown. That our situation is worse than we thought. Or that the options he presents us will be out of the question - financially. I am usually pretty optimistic in life but in this area - not so much. This situation has caused me to expect the worst first. To ensure that I am prepared for anything. I was optimistic early on. We both were but every time the rug was pulled from under us, we were completely caught off guard. And I wasn't diligent enough about protecting my heart.

These days, I am extremely diligent. I don't daydream about having kids anymore. (I used to...a lot) I don't wander around the baby aisle in Target or keep my eyes open for the best safety rated car seat. I haven't looked at my rumpled list of baby names in years. And the basket of baby items that sat in our guest bedroom for years was donated to the Salvation Army. Sad, I know. But this is what I had to do. For the sake of my sanity and my soul. I had to move on and focus on other things that would fill my heart: My faith in God, my relationship with Leo, my family, friends and work.

I've done pretty well, I think. My life today, is actually very different than what I would have ever imagined for myself. If someone had asked my ten years ago what I thought I'd be doing right now, I never would have guessed this. But that's okay. I can't deny that I am happy - overall with my life. It's full. busy. And good. I am blessed with many good people in my life.

But all of the good doesn't take the fear away. Some days I pray to God - I beg him to make my situation definite - either way. Good or bad. Don't make me make the decision because I don't know what the right answer is. Other days, I secretly wish for a glimmer of hope to continue on and try again. But for how long? Both roads have their own set of sacrifices, pain and guilt. Because there is no definite solution. No promise of a definite positive outcome. It's all a leap of faith with God's assistance, of course.

Thank goodness for him. I'd be crazy by now, if it weren't for my faith in God. In his love and grace. Our relationship is not perfect. Sometimes I question him and I complain. But at the end of the day, I need him in my life. Like water and air. So, on Monday, before Leo and I meet with the Doctor, I will say a little prayer. One last plea for strength, peace and most importantly, guidance with what promises to be the single most important decision we will make together. The date has been set.

Please pray for us!
XoXo

My Very Own Silver Lining

I woke up this morning to the sunlight streaming through the mini blinds in our bedroom. Leo was already up and watching t.v. downstairs. It only took a moment to remember that it was Father's Day and I immediately felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head - not ready to face the day. My heart became heavy with grief, guilt and sadnesss. Grief from losing my Dad many years ago and guilt from feeling as though I am the reason that Leo isn't able to celebrate being a Dad today. Sadness, I'm sure from a combination of both.

I know what you are going to say - "It's not your fault," "It's God's will," or "These things sometimes happen" and "You must not think that way." And Leo has assured me over and over that he is happy with our life. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything and he has repeatedly told me that it's not my fault.

Although these words are meant to make me feel better, they really have very little effect on me. Admittedly, I know they SHOULD make me feel better and I know that they come from people who love me and who genuinely want me to be happy. But it's as if I have no control over this part of my heart that is secretly suffering through what feels like a fertile world. I know - I am sure that probably sounds a bit crazy but it's SO true. From my perspective.

The family oriented holidays, the bumper stickers, the baby showers, the milestone birthdays, the conversations that I cannot participate in. (Usually I choose to smile and wait patiently for the conversation to change) Hearing someone tell a new Mom how blessed she is. (Does that mean that I am not blessed?) Listening to women complain about being a "fertile Myrtle" and the assumptions that people sometimes make when you don't have any kids: "You must have so much time on your hands." Once I was invited to an event to raise money to fund abortions for women who couldn't afford it. Let's just say I had to take a few breaths to calm myself down before I respectfully declined. I could think of 100 other worthy causes - sorry, this one is not one of them. (for me)

I know that all of these situations - the statements, the bumper stickers and even the invite weren't done to specifically and intentionally hurt me. The fact is, I am a woman who has not been able to do what we women were created to do; re-produce, pro-create, give birth. And because that's a fact - it's hard to forget or dismiss. And these things serve as a constant reminder. A reminder that sometimes triggers thoughts of special memories that Leo and I will miss out on because we don't have kids.

The many firsts, visits from the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and Santa Claus. The sports games, tournaments and club events. The first dance, the first date and the proms. The college years, graduation ceremonies and the beautiful weddings. Leo being the proud father in every instance and me crying tears of happiness in the background. The many, many photos, the hugs and the kisses and I love you's. And Grandchildren.

I know full well that thinking about these things will not make the problem go away. I also know that they will always hurt but they are my real feelings and thoughts none the less. For my health and peace of mind, I need to talk and write them all down - to cope better. feel better. To purge and let go. When I don't talk about it, it's not as if the thoughts and sad feelings magically go away. I am allowing myself to really be honest. And more importantly, I am hopefully shedding some light into the thoughts and feelings of those of us who don't have children as a result of PCOS.

Here are a few more tale-tell signs; we are typically overly-sensitive and sentimental. We cry at the drop of a hat. We are moody at times, pensive and distracted. We tend to over-commit (probably because we feel guilty about not having enough time to do it all....you know, since we don't have kids) We are over-achievers and everything has to be "just right." We tend to control absolutely everything in our lives because we have very little control over everything else. But above all else, we love to take care of others - especially our loved ones and closest friends.

To some, we may seem straight-up crazy about the "little details" but as I have always said, my family, friends, co-workers and even my employers have always benefited from my particular brand of craziness. And in some strange way, knowing this makes me feel better. I guess you could say it's my very own silver lining.

A Little Less Junk - A Lot More Healthy

Over the weekend I tackled the job of cleaning out our kitchen pantry and refrigerator. I got rid of everything that was bad for us - the buttered popcorn, the fattening salad dressings and processed snacks and goodies. Said good bye to the Top Ramen easily heated to perfection in minutes and the potato chips that hit the spot when eating a good deli sandwich.

When all was said and done, both areas of the kitchen looked sparse to say the least. I stood back and saw for the first time lots of room for healthy growth. I also felt lighter somehow, I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I filled nearly two large shopping bags of items that hadn't been opened. My frugal side felt little pangs of guilt but I'm hoping that will go away eventually.

Leo and I then made a trip to Stater Brothers and Fresh & Easy to do some healthy re-stocking. Instead of white bread, we opted for whole grain. Instead of canned and frozen vegetables, we bought lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. We bought low fat dressings (sorry - just can't deal with the fat free - yuck!) and healthy snacks like almonds and endamame.

We stayed away from the red meats and opted for fish and chicken. No more soda or fruit juices - just plain old water and sugar free sports drinks. We also found whole grain croutons - I didn't even know they existed. (we tried them on our salad last night and they were really very good!)
I also bought wheat pizza dough to make a veggie pizza and some extra virgin olive oil to replace my vegetable oil. We said good-bye to butter and hello to other much healthier options like nutella or honey.

For future grocery shopping trips, I created a reference list of all the items categorized as low g.i. items and posted it on the refrigerator door - there aren't many items but I am making a few allowances, such as with cheese. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without cheese - I love it. So, I will allow myself a couple of ounces of cheese from time to time. And I could never really say good bye to chocolate.

I guess it's true what they say - it's all about eating in moderation. At any rate, I am glad I finally made the choice to make some real solid changes in my "lifestyle", as the Doctor so cleverly put it. Leo is definitely on board, which makes it SO much easier on me. He has been such a great source of support through all of this. (Thank you BB!)

Now that I've shown you what's in my pantry and refrigerator, I think it's only fair that I know what's in yours. Especially if you have some great low fat, low g.i. items I don't already know about. Please feel free to share because I can use all of the help I can get!

P.S. Update - as of late yesterday, all of my medical records and test results have been received at Doctor Jacobson's office - yay! Leo and I are so happy and ready to move on to the next step.

In Due Time

It has been nearly two and a 1/2 weeks since I made the first call to my Doctor's office to request that all of my records be sent to Dr. Jacobson. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I've made over the past few weeks. My last call was last Friday and the receptionist assured me that it would be faxed within minutes. At the request of my husband I didn't call yesterday - I even waited until 10am this morning and still nothing had been faxed.

I am typically a very patient person but these types of situations really drive me crazy. Probably beause I have no control over them and I feel helpless. No amount of planning or organization can help me. Literally, I am at the mercy of someone else's busy schedule. Someone else's inability to organize and most importantly, to prioritize.

Leo says to be nice, that it will only make matter's worse if I get angry or give them attitude but this morning when I made the call and found out that nothing had been done, I wanted to just break down and say, "My clock is not waiting for these documents - every day, maybe even every hour could make a world of difference in whether or not this can happen for me, for us. In my head I think that laying it all out on the table would make a world of a difference but then again, maybe it wouldn't.

I know full well that they have other patients but shouldn't my situation at the very least move up a bit especially when lesser time pressing to do's are sitting above mine? It's hard sometimes not to feel like I am trying to do everything I can to beat the ever looming, ever increasing in size clock. (in my case, a PCOS clock)

Coffee or an ice-cold coca cola right about now would make me feel better but I can't do that anymore. No more using caffeine to keep me going. So! I have to just take time to breathe in and out, in and out, and in and out some more. Listen to good music and tell myself, "in due time." Maybe even pray for patience because I am definitely running low.

I think I'll wait two hours before calling again. That's plenty of time to fax over documents, right? At least in my world.