Yesterday I was at peace but today, there is another feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I just feel as though something died in me. I know, I know - could I be more dramatic? But you have to understand - this is BIG. This was our life - as we imagined it. I usually put a positive spin on things - especially here, when I write - not always for your benefit but mostly for mine. Because when I do, it makes me feel as though everything is right in the world.
But just this once, I don't think I can put a positive spin on this particular post. So, if you were looking for a negative, wallowing in self-pity post in my blog - I guess, well - here it is. You've found it. (Please don't bookmark it.)
It's just hard. Really hard not to feel angry and cheated. It's difficult not to question or wonder where I went wrong. Probably because I've always done everything right.
I've always been a rule follower
I've been called a "goody-goody" more times in my life than I can count
I've never done drugs, not even a puff of a single cigarette
I drink moderately, only in social situations
I've always lived my life on the straight and narrow path
I've worked really, really hard for everything I have
And I really, really wanted this....
More than anything else in my life. Besides being a wife,
I wanted to experience being pregnant - to be able to watch my belly grow
I wanted to experience childbirth with Leo by my side - every step of the way
Simply put, I wanted to be able to give Leo a baby
And what breaks my heart the most is knowing that I may never get to see what our kids would have looked like. Would they have had my eyes? And Leo's nose? My complexion or Leo's smile?
Instead, I am left with lots of unanswered questions. And I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I do know what I should do. Pray. Pray for answers. And for comfort and peace of mind. And I will but not today. Today, I am just allowing myself to feel sad. It sort of feels like a death in the family. Only there isn't a funeral or a casket. There are no "Sympathy" cards or "We are sorry for your loss" messages. It's more of an internal loss - for Leo and I - one that is difficult to wrap your mind around or to make any sense of.
I suppose it is just one of those things in life, a curve ball if you will, that is thrown our way - to either teach us a lesson or send us off on a different path. Either way, I know that it is not my place to question his decisions. (although I sort of did, earlier in this post, but I'm sure he understands) I'm just trying to cope with this the best way I can. One day at a time. One step at a time.
2 comments:
I don't know you, but you posted on my blog and it made me happy. So I thought I'd check out yours. And I've been reading this post at work and just wanted to say that I said a quick little prayer for you. That God may sustain you through this. That your heart may be filled with the knowledge of his goodness to us, despite us not deserving anything. I don't know how this feels, personally, but it's emotional and raw and real.
Thank you SO much for your encouraging words and also for saying a prayer for me. It really means a lot. I wish you and your family a very Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope this doesn't sound strange but...let me formally introduce myself. :) My name is Malissa - I am married, we have two cats, Sunny and Quincy and we live in southern California. (Although, you probably already read my "About Me" section) Lol!
Post a Comment