A Whim, a True Story and a Favor

On a whim, I decided to check my blogger account tonight to catch up on some reading before going to bed. As I scanned the recently published posts via my dashboard, I noticed one that I hadn't yet read from one of my favorite bloggers turned friends, Miss Conception.

The post was titled, "20 Weeks: All Gone" and my heart immediately dropped into my stomach. Miss C and her husband underwent IVF a few months ago and were pregnant with twins. The post was short but in it she lovingly announced the passing of their son and daughter on October 12th. Of course the tears are back and even as I sit here typing away, my heart aches for them - for the pain they must be enduring right now and for the heartache they will undoubtedly experience over the next few weeks, months and even years.

More than anything though, I am feeling SO much frustration and anger. And not at God, for some strange reason. Yes, it is extremely difficult to understand his plan for this amazing couple and the questions that are bound to naturally linger on everyone's mind is, "Why did this happen?" and "For what purpose?"

It's difficult to find purpose in something so tragic and painful. But more so, I'm angry because there are SO many people out there that have no idea what it feels like to have to struggle and go through gutt-wrenching situations like this one in order to one day have a family.

People who joke outwardly about how easy it was for them to get pregnant, people who accidentally get pregnant and then complain about the consequences they face and people who choose to abuse, neglect and abandon their children. Then I think about the countless children in foster care and group homes who just want be loved and taken care of and I wish to God that things were different.

We as women need to come to the realization that pregnancy is not a given or even a birth right. It may feel that way to most but I guarantee that if you spent some time reading a few blogs written by women who have been trying for years to get pregnant, suffering through not one, two or even three miscarriages but five, six or more, you'd have a completely different perspective.

Before I met these women, I felt lost and alone. Isolated from most of my loved ones and friends and not because they didn't care but because they didn't fully understand. And not because they didn't want to understand but because they hadn't experienced what I had. I thank God that these women made the decision to share their story. Because of them, I was finally able to find my footing and gain the strength I needed to continue hoping. I also felt better because I had the support of others who had gone through the exact thing I had.

Their stories were mine and my story was theirs.

I'd like to thank them for giving me the strength to get here:

Cherish This Baby
Infertility Overachievers
My Strand of Pearls
Fearfully. Wonderfully.
Hannah Wept - Sarah Laughed.

Lastly, I'd like to ask a favor - please say a prayer for my friend, Miss C and her husband and also for the countless women who are struggling to not only get pregnant but to keep their pregnancy and remember: pregnancy isn't a birth right - It's a miracle. Cherish your children - hug and kiss them every chance you get and never miss an opportunity to spend quality time with them. Tell them how much you love them and appreciate what they bring into your life: the good, the bad and the ugly.

I love you Miss C and will be praying for you and your husband as you go through this very difficult time. I am here if you need anything - anything at all.

Love,
Missy

Me at 39 Weeks & 6 Days: Joyful

I'm 39 weeks and 6 days as of today and so far, I haven't had any pre-labor signs. At my doctor's appointment this past Monday, the doctor evaluated me to determine whether or not inducing me would be appropriate at this point. Without going into details, let's just say that the answer was no. So! I've been keeping myself busy with little projects around the house and I've been spending far too much time on pinterest - my newest fave website.

(check out my "pins" here)

For the usual reasons, I haven't been sleeping well at night but overall, I am feeling really good, especially throughout the day. No unusal food cravings to speak of and my weight has been in check this whole time, which I am very happy about. (I've only gained 21 pounds) The only other thing I've been trying to grapple with is the emotional rollercoaster I seem to be on. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm grabbing the box of tissues. I am sure it's normal at this stage - plus there are just so many emotions going on inside this complicated brain of mine.

The good news is, Jacob is almost here. I keep telling myself that over and over. The wait is nearly over - thank you, God. No more wishing, hoping and praying. He is on his way to me. That fact makes everything else seem so small and insignifigant. The past few days have been quiet but in my mind and in my heart, I have been celebrating. It feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because I don't have to wait, wonder and worry anymore and my heart is filled to capacity with joy.

I guess that would be the best way to describe how I am feeling today at 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant: Joyful

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Final Preparations, An Admission & A Gift

This weekend has been a very productive one - probably because it's the weekend before my due date. (Can you believe it? I know I can't) Yesterday we found the perfect chocolate brown curtains and a matching curtain rod. (The curtains were on clearance for $14.99 each at Bed, Bath & Beyond - score!) Then today Leo put together the last of the items that needed assemblying, including the adorable mobile for the crib that mom bought, which brings me to an admission that I had been avoiding.

You know how I had decided on the vintage mickey mouse theme for Jacob's nursery? Well....I sort of changed it...again. But for very good reason. When Leo and I went to the store to look at a floor model of the mickey bedding, I was really disappointed with the quality, especially the stitching. It literally looked like it would only last a handful of washes and the colors weren't as rich as they had appeared online. In hind-sight I really believe that it had to be Winnie the Pooh, for many reasons.

Winne the Pooh was the theme for my nursery when I was a baby and also the theme my mom used for my little brother's nursery years later. (mom obviously loves Winnie the Pooh) And finally, it was also the theme that I had picked out the first time I got pregnant. Not to mention, I've been collecting it for years. So...naturally, it seems to be the very best choice. Here is an image taken this morning of the crib - cute? don't you think?

As soon as we have the curtains installed and a few more finishing touches up on the walls, I will be sure to post some more photos. Notice the strategically placed blanket - this is my poor attempt to hide the scratches - sort of an out of sight, out of mind strategy. Lol! I'm sure once Jacob is here, I won't even notice them but for now, the blanket is doing the trick just fine.

I can't believe Halloween is just around the corner - Jacob's first. It's easy now to allow myself to think of all the many firsts Leo and I will finally be able to look forward to like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and of course his very first birthday. I'm sure none of you will be surprised to hear that I'm already thinking of themes for this very special day. What a trip life is. One day your wishing and dreaming for something to happen and then it well...happens. Of course there was lots of prayer, birthday wishes, sleepless nights and a whole lot of tears but it was all worth it.

Leo and I spent nine years of our marriage hoping for a son or daughter and we never could have imagined that it would have taken us this long but what I am most proud of was that we didn't let our hopes and most importantly, the set-backs get the better of us. We not only prevailed, we managed to fit in a whole lot of living life to the fullest, too. We took vacations and last-minute day trips, experienced new foods and made new friends, and we created a great deal of memories that I will cherish forever.

Our life before Jacob will not represent a part of our marriage that was dark, maybe a bit dim at times, but overall, it has been 12 years of living, learning, growing stronger in our love for eachother and most importantly, preparing. I definitely wouldn't waste another second wishing and hoping things had been different because for me, it's easier to believe that this is exactly how it was supposed to happen. Truth be told, it makes me feel as though I have been given a HUGE gift wrapped in a brightly colored bow. And who could turn away such a beautiful gift? Certainly, not me.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Kitty Issues & The Not-So-Little Episode

Image Credit: Binary Rock

I think Quincy is feeling neglected. Every morning I wake up to a pile of toilet paper on the bathroom floor and yesterday while I was putting clothes away in Jacob's room, he attempted to jump on to the crib and failed miserably causing several large gashes in the beautiful espresso colored wood. I about died - I know - seems overly dramatic, even for me, but I literally (brace yourself for yet another episode) broke down into tears. Again.

Before you jump to conclusions because I know it will be easy to do at this point, first let me just say that the crib is perfectly brand new, lovingly purchased by my Mom and Step-Dad. And Leo had just put it together not more than two days ago. He positioned it in the perfect spot in the nursery and I was in the process of putting on the freshly washed sheets. It was pristine and so....perfect.

That was probably a very poor attempt to get you to see why I reacted the way I did but unfortunately, it doesn't end there - it gets worse. Can any of you guess what my next move was? That is after the crying and yelling directed at Quincy. I called Leo in tears. Again. Poor Leo - he must think his wife's body has been overtaken by aliens at this point because every time I call, I'm either crying or frustrated. This not-so-little episode definitely takes the cake. 

Again, he calmed me down telling me that it can be fixed and that even if it couldn't be, the crib is just that - a crib. And again, I felt silly. It still took me over an hour before I could even look at Quincy, much less pet him, tell him everything was okay and how sorry I was for getting upset with him. (Yes, my cat and I have one-sided conversations from time to time) And trust me, he heard me because as soon as I finished, he went straight for his food bowl.
(Quincy is an emotional eater, just like his Mommy)

I keep using the words, "lesson learned" but with this issue, I think it's pretty obvious that I have a long way to go and it is going to be harder than I thought. Not because I don't want to change this about myself but because for me, it really is a knee-jerk reaction. Plus, I have to believe that my raging hormones are a large contributing factor at this point. (I sincerely hope)

On a more positive note, I finished the "baby laundry" yesterday. Jacob's bag is packed and my bag is about 75% ready. Just need to put a bag together for Leo. I even have a bag of goodies for the nurse's station - in hopes that I can "sweeten" them up. Yes, I am one smart cookie when I want to be. Today, I need to make one more trip to Target, hopefully without incident and then I can officially say, I'm ready."

As usual, thank you for (still) listening. I'm sure this subject will come up again. And again. But hopefully not for awhile. For both our sakes. And Leo's. :)

Enjoy the Day!

Missy

Me at 38 weeks and 3 days

Confession: I've been feeling really nervous, anxious and maybe a tad bit overwhelmed over the past two days. Last night I nearly had a panic attack while I was laying in bed because all of the things I hadn't finished yet  kept swirling around in my head. Finally, after thirty minutes, I resorted to surfing the web for over an hour before trying to go back to bed.

I've also been keeping myself really busy lately. Since my last day at work, we've had the entire house recarpeted and the grout in our tile floors steam cleaned and sealed, which naturally resulted in a great deal of furniture moving and rearranging, stuff purging and deep cleaning. Plus, in between, I've made several trips to Target and Babies r Us because as soon as I get home, I remember a host of additional items that I was supposed to pick-up.

I've also had a couple of melt-downs, the most recent occurrence was at a Target customer service counter. Long story short - I was frustrated, tired and beyond consoling. As soon as I walked out on to the sales floor and I got Leo on the phone, I was in tears. Now it seems very silly, of course, but in the moment, I just needed to let it out. I'm sure everyone around me thought I was crazy but then again, maybe the protruding belly was a good enough explanation. (I hope.)

I guess the anxiety comes from me being worried that I'm going to screw this up - being a new Mom. My high expectations coupled with the years and years of dreaming about this chapter in my life makes me doubt whether or not I can be the kind of Mom I have always envisioned I could be. Tons of questions keep popping up like, will I be able to stop and smell the roses when he is finally here or will I continue to keep myself so busy with the tiny, insignifigant things.

We all know that I tend to obsess over the little things and I can't explain why - even now, at age 38. I do however (thankfully) have moments, sometimes even long stretches of time when I am able to check myself and really enjoy life but often times I get sucked back in to the details again. Leo was the one who brought me back to reality today. He told me that I needed to relax - that even if Jacob came today, the items on my check-off list wouldn't matter. They would be insignificant. He couldn't be more right.

Even now as I take the time to process and reflect on all of this, I guess I tend to obsess about the little things when I'm feeling nervous and anxious and most especially when I am dealing with change. With less than two weeks left in my pregnancy, I suppose it is safe to say that I'm feeling nervous and anxious over what's in store for us and especially for me, as Jacob's primary caretaker. I'm really hoping that my maternal instincts kick-in but also I'm counting on Jacob to teach me a few things, too.

I also need to cut myself some slack and focus my attention on the things that do matter, like feeling Jacob kick away in my tummy and the little time Leo and I both have together as a couple before our life completely changes. And to enjoy the quietness of the house with Leo asleep upstairs and the cats curled up at my feet. Thank goodness for moments of clarity and for this outlet - my blog - a place where I can vent freely, process and just be me at 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

Our Village

Hello All!

It's been a busy couple of weeks - full of work, lamaze classes (finished the last class last night), doctor's appointments (we're seeing Dr. C once a week now), more work and baby prepping errands. I also had two more baby showers bringing our final shower count to five. I know this is not the norm but I'm definitely not complaining. Instead, we are both feeling really, really loved.

The first shower was hosted by Leo's coworkers - it was great to see some old faces and also to meet several new ones. For those of you who don't know this, I used to work where Leo is currently employed so it was strange to be back in the building again...strange but also really nice and familiar. (if that makes any sense at all) I was immediately overwhelmed by the number of people who took time out of their busy work day to come and support us through kind and encouraging words and thoughtful gifts.

The second shower was hosted last Saturday by my mom, sisters and nieces. I think it is safe to say that Jacob now has a closet full of clothes, nicely organized by size, at least a dozen blankets, some hand made and others store bought. One in paticular, I will cherish forever. It was given to me by my Mom and it was made with material that she had literally held on to for years - since my little brother Mario was born. She had purchased it for Mario's Winnie the Pooh themed nursery but when he got sick, the material was never used. Instead, she held on to it...until now.

Of course, as soon as I read the card that explained all of this, the tears came. First, I felt sad - for my Mom's pain at that time and for her loss, even now. Then I felt sad because the reality is, Jacob will never know who my brother was with his comedic personality and his great big heart. But then in a blink of an eye, my heart felt really full and I felt nothing but love. Love for my Mom - for choosing Jacob to receive this memory filled and heart felt gift and for my sisters and nieces for all of the carefully thought out details and the hard work that went into this shower.

I am officially 37 weeks pregnant and excited with anticipation of Jacob's arrival. This past Friday was my last day at work and I am definitely planning on taking advantage of this time to organize and prepare but also to relax and rest up for what promises to be a very different life for Leo and I. I'm ready - without a doubt in my mind. I'm not nervous or scared. I've had a long time to think, prepare, enlist help, ask questions and get answers. I know that parenting isn't black and white. It's doing what feels right and ensuring that everything you can do, you make a point to do.

In the last few months, Leo and I have come to realize that we have been blessed with an amazing circle of family and friends - a village of people who have been there for us, from day one and we will probably never be able to fully describe how thankful we are for each and every one of you for your love, support and thoughfulness. I guess that is what they mean by it taking a village to raise a child = our village is definitely made up of people who we love, cherish and respect - what more do we need?

Jacob's Parents

Image provided by Ravenessences

I've been having more than my usual share of random thoughts lately. Like wondering that color eyes Jacob will have, will he be a lefty or a righty, will he have his Dad's smile or mine or more importantly, where will we draw the line in the sand with regards to disciplining him.

I've also been thinking a great deal about the things I want to instill in him - to ensure that he will be a beautiful person inside and out. And not just to the people he is naturally drawn to but to everyone he comes into contact with. This includes the people who will challenge him, offend him and even anger or upset him because I truly believe that being "ugly" to someone will only further aggravate the situation and absolutely nothing good can come out of it.

I want Jacob to be respectful of others; respectful of their religious preferences and their lifestyles. I want him to see that the best way to live your life is to lead by example, not by judging others or throwing stones. I want him to be a happy child, confident and filled with the belief that he can do anything he puts his mind to. For him to feel loved always but also to feel secure enough to go out into the world - when it is time - to live his own life, find his life's passion and enjoy all of the experiences out there waiting for him.

I want him to feel good about his upbringing, knowing that we did the best we could and for him to do the same with his own children. I want him to play fair and take a loss like anyone should - with grace. When he is old enough, I want him to be aware that their are children out there who don't have what he has -
forget the cell phone, the WII games or the nike shoes - kids who don't even have a roof over their heads and food to eat.

I want Jacob to do whatever suits him - whether it is sports or joining clubs and organizations at school or just spending time with his friends. Or not. Because Jacob will have choices. Some of the basic choices, we will make for him, especially early on but when he is old enough, it will be up to him to decide. Of course, we'd love to see him go to College but if it's not in the cards, again, we will respect his decision because only he can decide what is best for him.

All of these things are important to me. I've lived my life a certain way partly because it is in my nature but also because I believe that my parents, relatives, friends and co-workers instilled these things in me over the years. I want the very same for Jacob - constantly inspired and motivated by those around him to do more, live life to it's fullest and learn from and appreciate every person who is put in his path. I am positive that Leo and I will make many, many mistakes along the way but we are also ready and willing to learn from them and figure out how best to handle the situation the next time around.

For years, we've been praying and waiting for this new chapter in our lives to begin - it sort of feels like we've won the lottery and because of that, we want to ensure that Jacob has every possible opportunity to live a happy life that is full of great memories, amazing experiences, friendship, love, hard work and fun. No rock left unturned. Whatever obstacles come our way, (and there will be many, I'm sure) we will do whatever it takes - together - to get through to the other side, still feeling utterly blessed and grateful for the opportunity to be Jacob's parents.

(I still LOVE the sound of that!)

Enjoy your Sunday! 

Missy  

Showers of Love

Image Courtesy of Sweet Little Smoothie

The idea of me having a baby shower, much less four is still crazy sounding to my very own ears. Even with two very beautiful showers already come and gone and one tomorrow, I am still waiting for someone to pinch me or for the morning light to bring the realization that the past few months have been nothing but a really sweet dream.

Crazy, I know but I've been literally dreaming about this magical time in my life for nearly 10 years. Even longer if you count the time I spent daydreaming prior to me meeting Leo - soon to be known as Jacob's Dad. (I LOVE the sound of that!) Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed about having a family and in less than 6 weeks, my dream will finally come true.

A few weeks ago, the women that I work with at the University of La Verne threw me a baby shower - and what a shower it was! Everything was so incredibly perfect and beautiful, from the carefully thought out menu to the decorations and environment in which it all played out in. I felt completely loved and supported.

Then a few weeks later Leo's family threw us another shower - this time it was a surprise and yes, I was in fact very surprised. I was thinking we were about to celebrate Leo's sister's birthday so we even showed up with gift in hand. Words could never fully express how nice it was to be able to celebrate this miracle that is about to arrive in just a few weeks with Leo's parents, siblings, aunts, cousins and close friends of the family.

Both days will be moments in both our lives that we won't ever forget. Without a doubt.

Tomorrow is my friend's shower and I am very excited about it. Excited to see faces I haven't seen in days,  months and even years. A few I haven't seen since High School - nearly 20 years ago to be exact. What a special day this is bound to be. Many of them have been supporting me for years via email, facebook, cards, phone calls and text messages. Some of them are previous co-workers from the many jobs I've had over the years. And others I've met through fundraising events I've organized and parties I've attended. Yes, it will be another great moment and I can't wait.

I guess that is the best part about rainy days - there will always be a rainbow at the end to look forward to. That's how I look at this whole experience. I had to go through some rain to get to the sunny, clear days filled with lots and lots of color. And if anyone ever asked me if it was worth it, without even hesitating, I'd say most definitely YES!

Thank you for supporting me through my rainy days!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy  

32 Weeks

Today marks 32 weeks - can you believe it?

This past Wednesday was another big day for Leo and I. We toured the maternity ward of the hospital where Jacob will be born. Altogether there were 18 expecting Mommies with their proud hubbies in attendance. To my delight, there were mini pink and baby blue cupcakes along with assorted cheese and crackers, lemonade and pitchers of iced water with lemon slices - Yum-Oh!!

Then the 12-minute video began by highlighting the history of the hospital, which by the way was built in the early 1900's - not sure I really needed to know that but then it went over the admission process and other important details. Then it was time to walk around the actual maternity ward - our tour guide was a woman by the name of Dee but she quickly announced to us that we could call her Dee-Dee. She was a sweet lady and it was very evident that she loved her job.

We toured the semi-private rooms, the private rooms and the labor rooms. Let's just say I'm hoping to be lucky enough to get a private room. And last on our scheduled tour was the area where the babies are checked and given a thorough examination - we even got to see an adorable 8-pound baby girl who had just been born earlier that afternoon. 

All in all, Leo and I learned a lot and it was nice to get a feel for the space that we would soon bring our baby boy into the world.

Enjoy the Weekend!
Missy

Busy Bees

Hello! It's me. Malissa...the author of this blog. I know - it's been awhile. Once again. Life has been a-buzz with work, activity, baby preparations and birthday celebrations, a much-needed vacation to Mexico and more work.

I do want to sincerely thank all of you for sticking with me, despite my ability to go missing in action for weeks at a time. I think about blogging all the time but then I remember what is on my plate for the day and it gets pushed to the very end of my list of things to do. I'm sure my reasons are not foreign to you. We are all busy bees trying to keep up with the momentum that life tends to create for us, despite our efforts to prevent it. 

Sometimes I wonder what all of you have been up to. What types of activities and responsibilities fill-up your days? I'd love to know. I've been far more inquisitive than normal lately - asking everyone I know - especially those who manage to work a full-time job and raise children how they juggle everything. It's all a big mystery to me at this point but I'm also excited - anxiously awaiting all of the changes that are about to take place in our seemingly quiet life.

Yesterday I signed us up for the hospital tour and we also start Lamaze classes next month. Watch out people, we're on our way to learning everything we possibly can about the birthing process. I was talking to a friend just last night and she suggested getting a midwife...anyone out there have any experience with this? She seemed pretty positive about it - having tried it for several of her deliveries.

There have been lots of kicking these days and I doubt I will ever tire of it. Sometimes when I'm watching television I'll catch myself focusing my attention on my ever-growing belly instead of the television - I just can't help it. It's just such an amazing feeling - to know that our little Jacob is in there...kicking away. And yes folks, it is official. We have selected a name: Jacob Mario Hernandez. I've always love the name Jacob and Mario was lovingly selected in memory of my little brother Mario who passed away years ago. (sigh)

I'm also happy to report that my energy level is still going strong and thankfully I don't have gestational diabetes. In fact, since early March I've only gained 12 pounds. Although, I haven't been weighed since our vacation to Mexico last week. Chances are, I gained a couple of pounds from the endless buffets and late night snacks but isn't that what vacations are for? (anyone? anyone?)

So things are definitely going great. Busy as usual but still - enjoying every single minute of this pregnancy. As always, thank you for listening (reading) and I hope you all have a great weekend!

Missy

P.S. Here are a few photos from our trip!

25 Weeks: No Excuses - Just Do It.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and everything is still going really great. I'm sleeping and eating well. My energy level is good and I'm keeping myself pretty busy with work during the week and with projects around the house - mostly decluttering and getting rid of clothes and things we don't use. (Last week I took at least 5 bags of clothing to the thrift store plus a few boxes of "stuff" = good progress)

I've also been making it my mission to stay on a schedule so that we don't end up with way too much to get done in September because it will undoubtedly be my busiest month at work with Homecoming Weekend in early October. And I'm pretty determined to do it all - the hospital tour, lamaze classes, breastfeeding classes and CPR training because I want to make it a priority to do it all - no matter how busy things get.

But I have noticed a change in me - or rather something that is more prominent than normal.  I've just sort of been in this "no excuses, just do it" mentality and as a result, I've been struggling a lot lately with relating to and being there for others. I guess it's because my reaction is to get down to business, solve the problem and stay away from any impending drama. And often the hardest part for me is figuring out why others can't come to the same conclusion on their own.

I just truly believe that if you are not happy - if you are not living the life you want to live, then you are the only person who can change it. Not Mom and Dad, not your siblings, not even your closest friends. Trust me, I've tried and failed miserably at fixing other people's problems. As a friend, I have found that my only role should be to listen, make suggestions and then support the final decision - whatever that may be. And I can pray about it in hopes that everything works out for the best.

We all have at one point or another been in a bad situation but how we handle them - how we choose to prepare ourselves to manage while we are in the midst of it and how we plan to overcome and get past them is the most important part. Of course we can kick and scream, complain and point fingers in the opposite direction but at the end of the day, it's not going to do us a bit of good because we all have choices. Venting is necessary to process and figure things out but it should never stop there.

I wish life could be easier for all of us but it just isn't. There are challenges to face and obstacles to overcome. Issues to solve and problems to fix. I'm not even sure why this subject is so prominent on my mind - especially on a night like this - the 4th of July. The only thing that makes sense is that maybe my being able to get pregnant after so many years has made me more confident in my abilities to do what ever it takes - to never ever give up and to always live live to the fullest, even while you are working on your dreams.

I read a post tonight that asked the question, "When is it time to give up?" My answer is always going to be never. Because in my experience, even when you think you've given up, your heart will never fully allow it. Do whatever it takes today. Don't wait for tomorrow, next week or next month. And don't expect or wait for others to change your life - it's not their life to change. No more excuses: just do it - do whatever it takes to create the life YOU want. Why? Because you deserve it!

A Double Dose of Good News

I received a double dose of really good news today.

Leo and I had a doctor's appointment just a few hours ago to go over the results from my prenatal testing and everything came back normal. (Yay!) And now that I think about it, this doctor's visit was very different. Probably because I was different. I didn't spend my whole day worrying about it or pray fitfully in the lobby while waiting for my name to be called and I didn't kick my legs uncontrollably in the room while waiting for the doctor to come in.

It felt nice to (finally) feel in control, safe and secure. 

It was as if all of my fears had quietly fallen by the wayside without so much as a single peep. I wish you could have seen it - I was cool as a cucumber, which most of you know by now is not my normal standard operating procedure. I was happy. Funny, even. It feels great to finally enjoy being pregnant, to take it all in without holding my breath and relish in every single moment. Even moments like this one.   

The second order of good news I wanted to share with all of you is also BIG...monumental even. At least for one very special couple. Remember my friend who had just completed a round of IVF?

Well....she's PREGNANT!

That's right. I nearly screamed when I read her post. She received confirmation just a few days ago - please continue praying for her as she and her hubby navigate through the next few months. It's still a very scary experience - at least in the beginning. When I hear of another couple who have broken through the infertility barrier (literally), it strengthens my belief that dreams do come true and more than anything else, it keeps hope alive for the couples out there who are still working hard to break through.

Thank you, to each and every one of you who said a prayer for her. I really and truly appreciate it.

Last weekend the hubby and I hit another milestone in the pregnancy calendar - we registered at Babies R Us and at Target. I have dreamed about moments like this one for years. And I wasn't disappointed. It was also a great experience for my little sister and I to share. She's a Mom of three, one of them just turned 2 years old so she turned out to be the biggest help.

There is SO much we didn't know.

Like that there are several different types of bottle nipples including slow and regular flow. Um...nope. I didn't know that. And did you know that a box of diapers will run you around $40? Yep, didn't know that either. We obviously have a lot to learn over the next couple of months but we really enjoyed the process and the "schooling" we lovingly received from my little sister.

It's funny, when I think about it...you know...her being the little sister. I never would have imagined that she'd be the one teaching me all of this stuff but I'm so very thankful. She's quite the Mom to my nieces and nephews and I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

P.S. We made a huge change recently in regards to the nursery. Instead of the firetruck theme, we are going with Vintage Mickey Mouse. I've always loved anything Disney and he liked the fact that it had a sports feel to it so Vintage Mickey it is! I'll try and post a photo soon!  

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

A Big Month

Sorry, friends. Once again it's been far too long since I last posted. Work is busier than ever with getting ready for Homecoming Weekend and making sure that my replacement is trained for when I go on maternity leave. 

Besides that, June has just been a very busy month with graduations, awards ceremonies, birthdays, doctors visits and big developments with regards to the nursery. Two weeks ago my Mom was in town so we went shopping for the furniture. We tried several stores before finding "the one", or in this case, "the set" at Babies R Us. In addition to the crib and attached changer, we also got the matching dresser. I usually gravitate towards lighter shades of wood but the color of this set just seemed so rich and timeless.   

The boxes of furniture are now sitting in the middle of the room waiting for Leo to work his magic. My plan is to have the room completely cleaned out and prepped this weekend so that painting can commence soon after. Next weekend we are planning on registering and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it. Oh my goodness, who am I kidding - I can hardly contain myself! As far as the theme for the nursery, initially I had wanted to do traditional Winnie the Pooh but now I have my eye on this set that I saw at Babies R Us - totally cute, don't you think? 

Leo and I went to my last ultrasound appointment at the Perinatal Center yesterday. The pictures were even clearer than the last and we even caught a glimpse of our little one kicking his leg up nearly up to his head. (he's been very active lately - I feel him kicking most of the day now) Luckily, the technician was able to capture this funny image for us to take home. The best part though was hearing him say that everything looked normal. (Yay!)

I also conquered a pretty big fear of mine by going to the dreaded dentist last Wednesday. (hopefully I'm not the only one who avoids the dentist like the plague) Not only did I go but I also got some much needed work done, including a thorough cleaning. Everyone in the office was so nice and willing to do whatever it took to put my fears at ease. When all the work was done, the dentist walked me out of the office, gave me a big hug and said I had done wonderfully...it was just so nice, I have to say. 

Lastly, I don't do this often but I have a prayer request for a fellow blogger (and friend) who recently completed a round of IVF and is waiting to find out the outcome. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. Please lift her up in prayer - just as you did for me. The issue of infertility still weighs heavily on my heart. It's tough because I meet women all the time who are doing their best to navigate, live with and overcome this growing issue. I'm praying hard that my friend quickly becomes one of them.  

As always, thank you for listening! (reading) I hope everyone is well and happy.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

It's a Boy! (On the Way)

Note: this is not an actual ultrasound photo

Hello Everyone!

Just a quick post to share our BIG news - We have a baby BOY on the way! Earlier today we had a ultrasound done at the Perinatal Center and the pictures were pretty convincing. Lol!  To say that we are both over the moon with joy is definitely an understatement. It's been a very long road but in hind sight, I honestly couldn't feel more grateful for it all: the good, the bad and yes, (maybe) even the ugly.

I am proud to say that I am going to be a Mom at age 38. I never would have imagined having a baby at this stage in my life but then again, I'm a much better person today than I was even just 3 years ago. I've learned SO much and have been fortunate enough to experience more than my share of independence and indulgence. We're most definitely settled in our home of nearly 11 years and my job is stable - thank goodness!

In September, Leo will turn 40 and we will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary in November. Then for the grand finale, we expect the arrival of our little boy to be on October 15th so it's definitely a year full of reasons to celebrate! Thank you once again for all of your love, support and prayers.

Your constant presence (you know who you are) has meant more than you will ever know.

Enjoy Your Day!
Missy

Pink or Blue?

It's almost time - time for our next ultrasound to hopefully be able to find out if it's a boy! or a girl! Don't get me wrong - I'm going to be over the moon happy for either outcome but I guess what I'm excited about is finally being able to plan the nursery, beginning the naming process and registering for little denim overalls or pink ruffled dresses.

I'll be 20 weeks pregnant as of this Friday and I haven't yet allowed myself to buy one stitch of clothing, not one single stuffed toy, blanket or pair of shoes - not even a baby book. So as I sit here on the couch googling and searching through various websites to get ideas, it's easy to get even more excited (and maybe a bit overwhelmed, too!) with the vast array of choices.

There are a few things I am pretty set on like leaning towards using neutral colors as opposed to bright primary colors and I love the idea of having a vinyl mural on the wall - no painting necessary. (if you have any experience with vinyl letters and murals, please share your insights!)

Lastly, I'm seriously considering purchasing a regular set of drawers with a hutch - possibly antique instead of going with a typical nursery set and I would absolutely love to have a comfortable over-sized chair for late night feedings. I even happened upon some cool DIY projects that I may try, like the adorable closet organizers above - how cute are they?

Since I definitely do not have a clue on the subject, please feel free to share with me (and others) your favorite products as well as any products you could have done without. I would really, really appreciate it! 

The BIG DAY (if baby cooperates) is on June 1st- Stay Tuned!

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Knee-Jerk Reactions

Leo and I had our first visit with the OBGYN today. I love my doctor but we always end up waiting well beyond our appointment time to be called into the room and then it's another twenty to thirty minutes of more waiting. And today was no exception. When my name was finally called, we were taken into a room near the back of the building and Leo noticed right away that there wasn't any equipment to perform an ultrasound. It seemed strange to both of us, considering that this was our first visit. 

A few minutes later, the nurse took my vitals so I asked her if an ultrasound had been scheduled as part of today's visit. She didn't seem too sure either way so I politely asked if I could request one. Seemed like an easy enough request, right? She then asked me what kind of insurance I had and after telling her, she said it shouldn't be a problem and that I should definitely ask him. In my head I immediately thought - why can't you ask him ahead of time? - that way, if he says yes, I can be moved into the appropriate room. Made perfect sense to me but it didn't seem very obvious to her.

So, there I am sitting on the table, feeling a bit agitated and staring at a poster on the door that just happens to be advertising a drug that prevents pregnancy for up to three years. Perfect! (I won't go into how insane that idea sounds to someone like me)

I was attempting to busy my mind by reading the endless side effects when the nurse walked in again and asked if I had any documented proof of pregnancy. What? I didn't quite understand the question at first so naturally I immediately thought the worst. Was she insinuating that my urine test had come back negative? I know. This must sound very crazy coming from someone who has already had two successful ultrasounds but my head was so not in a good place at this point. And obviously, not in a very rationale one either. 

A few minutes later, the same nurse came in again and asked if I had seen Dr. C before? Wait - what? Now she really had me reeling. So I began explaining in full detail my medical history - "Yes, I have seen Dr. C before but both previous pregnancies resulted in miscarriage." What I really wanted to say was, why don't you just check my medical records? It's all there in black and white. As soon as she shut the door behind her, I pointed to the tissue box on the counter and the water works began.

While Leo was attempting to calm my fears, another doctor (Dr. C's wife) came in with a computer tablet asking me for my signature to release my medical records from Dr. J's office and then finally, an hour and ten minutes after my scheduled appointment, Dr. C entered the room. I probably looked like a hot mess by then but he didn't really seem to notice. He performed a well woman exam (lucky me) and then finally, he used some sort of electric looking pen that he literally pulled out of his coat pocket to hear the heartbeat. My heart was beating faster and faster as the seconds turned into minutes. He kept moving the pen around but all we could hear was static. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe and to stay present.

Finally, as moved down a bit more - we heard it. The heartbeat. Thank you, God. 

I of course began to tear up, again. And by this point, my head was pounding -- I had really worked myself up into a full-fledged tizzy. After we listened for a minute or so, Dr. C told us that now that a heartbeat has been confirmed, our chances of a miscarriage drops to 2%. Definitely music to my ears. Leo and I managed to get a few questions in before Dr. C gave me my release form to return back to work and left the room.

Part of me was angry at myself for getting so worked up but now that I've had some time to think about it, I have to believe that it's just a natural response of going through two very painful miscarriages. And also, all of this stress could have been avoided had the nurse simply explained why she was asking so many questions.

It's hard to suppress the fears that naturally present themselves in situations like this. Half the time, I don't even know they are there. Prior to the appointment, I felt fine. I slept well the night before and I didn't have any preconceived worries even walking into the doctor's office. It wasn't until things started to go wrong and questions were being asked that my fears were triggered.

A normal pregnant woman probably would have handled the situation much better than me and with very little stress or concern but I have to allow myself room for moments like this one because it is what is is - I wish I could change this knee-jerk reaction but I can't. All I can hope for is that the fears will lessen more and more over time and eventually they will be replaced by the normal fears that parents have when raising a child. What a time that will be, for both of us.

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Somebody Pinch Me

Somebody pinch me - I am officially in my twelfth week!

Soon, I will be safely out of my first trimester and securely fastened into my second. That fact makes me giddy. Sometimes it still feels like a really good dream. The kind of dream that seems too good to be true or the ones that make you wish you could go back to sleep but can't, no matter how hard you try.

Slowly but surely, my guard has come down. I've finally allowed myself to really and truly enjoy this pregnancy. Case in point: I made my first trip to a maternity store and I even purchased a couple of things. Words cannot fully express the feelings I felt as I walked around the store, stealing glances at other pregnant women with their tummies in full effect. Smiling, as their little tykes ran around, laughing and playing while their Mommies shopped. It was a good feeling. I left feeling happy and lighter than air.    

Things are definitely changing for Leo and I, too. Perceptions. Goals. Priorities, for sure. And the wheels in my head have been a' turning at a crazy pace lately. I love that I have all the time in the world to do just that. to think and figure things out. There were some major lay-off's at Leo's work a few weeks ago. It definitely makes us wonder if his job is going to last much longer. It's scary and also disheartening to see loyal employees who have given the best years of their life literally discarded with very little explanation. We both just continue to pray that both of our job remain necessary for the long-haul.

I've been keeping myself busy the last few weeks by working on our upcoming silent auction to raise money for Walk Now for Autism Speaks, which is scheduled for Friday, April 8th. All of the silent auction items are nearly ready and final event details should be secured by the end of this week. We've received some very generous donations from perfect strangers - a definite show of humanity. People helping People - I love it. I just pray that we have a good turn-out of guests. (Tickets are $25 per person - please email me if you would like to attend!) I will definitely keep all of you posted on the outcome. I am very happy to report that as a team, we have already raised almost $7,000.00!

Our next doctor's appointment is this Wednesday at 3:00 pm with the OBGYN - our first visit with him as we no longer have to be seen by the fertility specialist. (for obvious reasons) And then I will either be released to go back to work or not. I am leaving it in the Doctor's (and God's) hands. Either way, I am just feeling blessed to be right here. Alive. Breathing. Thinking. Dreaming. Loving and enjoying my life.

Enjoy the Day!   

Missy

A Rough Night

We had a rough night last night - spending nearly six hours in the emergency room. The baby is fine. It was just me that was needing some reprieve from a blistering headache that wouldn't seem to go away. I had woke up that morning with congestion in my chest and a horrible, almost indescribable headache. I laid around most of the day with the lights and the television off to try to avoid having to take aspirin but it just persisted. 

Later that evening, I went to bed at around 8:30 pm but instead of sleeping, I tossed and turned, squeezing my head with both hands to try and alleviate some of the pressure. Two hours later, when I got up to use the restroom, I felt feverish, dizzy and lightheaded, which was the final straw for me: it was time to go to the emergency room. And let me just say, that was the LAST place I wanted to go. I don't like emergency rooms for obvious reasons - it's a room full of sick people. Even people who aren't typically germ phobic probably think the same thing - what else am I going to catch in the place? But I kept thinking, what if all of this is affecting the baby? It's not just about me anymore.

We arrived at 10:30 pm to a room full of people and my heart sank. All I could think was I should have come earlier because we were going to be here for hours, which meant no sleep for either of us. We checked in and thankfully found a spot in the far corner. Two television sets were on and there were people talking, texting, playing video games and the lights were super bright - not a very conducive environment for a splitting headache.

Two hours into our wait, a woman was wheeled in to the emergency room, her head and body covered in a  blanket. I won't go into the details but the image is definitely not one that I will soon forget. Part of me felt so badly for her - praying that she would be okay but the other part of me - the part that was feeling very sick and "out of it" just wanted it to be over. I kept praying they would call my name every time I heard the doors open because by this point, I was feeling nauseous and was (internally) panicking over the possibility of getting sick in the emergency room bathroom.  
   
Finally, a little after 2:00 am I was admitted and assigned to a room. The doctor ordered some blood work and fluids via an IV. An hour and a half later, we found out that the primary diagnosis was a viral infection. The secondary diagnosis was dehydration, which caused the headache and dizziness. After the IV was finished, I was given a prescription for the nausea and was told I could take Tylenol or Aspirin for the headache. It was 4:00 am and we were (finally) headed home.

I had never been happier to be in my own bed and thankfully, I am feeling much better this morning. But most importantly, I am SO relieved that our little bean wasn't affected in any way.  

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Quick Update

Image Credit

Good News - our second ultrasound went great! Doctor says everything looks good and I'm definitely nine weeks pregnant - based on the measurements. This was such an important day and not just because we (finally) made it past the 8th week but because I think for the first time, we both felt like we could really breath and enjoy this pregnancy. Yay! I only have a few more weeks before I go back to work so I definitely plan to make the best of this time I have left to relax, daydream, write and most importantly - to nest!

P.S. Sending all of you a great big hug to thank you for your love, encouragement and prayers

Enjoy the Day!
Missy  

The Three C's (Casual, Comfortable...and Converse)

I had been avoiding going shopping for weeks but yesterday a 30% off coupon that I received in the mail from Kohl's was literally screaming out for me to put it to good use. Plus, I figured I could use the exercise.

I walked in the doors of my local Kohl's at about 11:00 am, grabbed a shopping cart and hit the ground running. (ok, so I didn't actually run, it was more like a slow even paced walk) My first stop was the intimates section where I found two bras in the clearance racks - score! Then I hit my favorite section - the dressier spring-y side of the women's clothing section. I really wanted to buy some nicer blouses as most of the ones I own are already getting tight in some places.(I know...already!)

I went in to the dressing room with nearly twenty items stuffed into my cart but after trying them on, my pile quickly dwindled down to two pairs of casual cargo-like pants and a v-neck casual cotton blend top. I was bummed and wondered....um, I'm only 9 weeks pregnant - what am I going to be wearing in four months, five months, and on and on. I just couldn't seem to find anything that fit me right.

Next, I tried the casual section, where 100% cotton seems to rule the racks. I myself have never been a huge fan of cotton, mostly because it seems to hug my body in all the wrong places, especially after a couple of washes. For good measure, I tried on a couple of things but all I could think was, yuck! So my last ditch effort was the maternity section. I knew I wouldn't buy anything - I just wanted to see what kind of selection they had. Let's just say they don't have a selection. Not one item caught my eye. So sad.

My last ditch effort was a trip to the shoe section. I was hoping that if I could find a really cute pair of flat sandals, I wouldn't feel so...blah. No such luck with the sandals but strangely enough, I found myself wandering the tennis shoes aisles where I stumbled upon a really cute pair of Converse tennis shoes. I tried them on and thought, Hmm...now these are promising. They are not usually my style, in fact I don't think I've ever owned a pair of Converse before but I thought, why not? They are definitely comfortable and they were on sale too so it was pretty much a done deal.

I ended up finding another cotton blend top that went with the cargo pants I had already snagged earlier on so I ended up with two decent casual outfits - thank goodness. And the best part was that all in all, I walked out of Kohl's with two 3-packs of Hanes T-shirts for Leo, two bras, two pairs of pants, two tops and a pair of tennis shoes for $100.00 - not bad if I do say so myself.

And I guess I figured out my style for this pregnancy:  casual and comfortable all the way, at least for now while I am still off work but I am definitely going to need to find some other stores for maternity clothes, probably in the next couple of weeks so if you know of any good ones that are relatively inexpensive, please share!