Most of you didn't know my Dad. He was smart, funny, generous and affectionate. He could also be complicated and difficult to read at times. He never had a hard time saying, "I love you." but like many of us, he struggled with admitting when he was wrong.
When I was a little girl, I remember him being the kind of person who would give you the shirt off of his back and he loved nothing more than to cook and share his dishes with others. We were a fairly large family (I'm one of 5 kids) so he always cooked enough for what seemed like an army, which meant that there were always left-overs for days. My friends loved to sleep over because that meant that more than likely they would be indulging in homemade banana pancakes the next morning.
He had a great smile and an infectious laugh. He enjoyed working with his hands and he loved listening to his eclectic collection of albums from Freddy Fender, Jerry Lee Lewis and Aaron Neville to Three Dog Night, Elvis Presley, Sam Cooke, Otis Redding and Kenny Rogers to name just a few. He looked forward to having family over for the holidays and he went out of his way to ensure that everyone was well-fed, content and happy.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder what if things had been different? What if he were still here today? Would we have been able to mend our relationship? I'd like to think so. In life it's easy to feel regret but I also know in my heart of hearts that I did what I had to do...at the time for me. And regardless of what happened, I LOVE my Dad very much and I will always hold fast to the good times and the great memories we had while he was here.
My relationship with my Dad didn't end up where I would have liked it to be before he passed but sometimes we have to let go for our own sake. Most people may not understand this but as hard as it was to walk away, it was even harder on me to stay and when I did, he didn't show any interest in doing whatever it took to save our relationship. Maybe it was his pride or his ability to be stubborn at times or a combination of both, I will never know but I have to believe that he missed having me in his life and wished things were different.
Since then, I have forgiven him and myself. Nothing will ever change the fact that he was my Dad and I wouldn't change a thing because just like every other experience in life, it has molded me in to the person I am today.
My Dad was a complicated man but he was also funny, smart, loving and generous. These days, when a song comes on that reminds me of him, I smile and hope that he is proud of the person I have become. The lesson here is that love sometimes isn't enough to make a relationship work but you can still appreciate how it helps you navigate through the rest of your life.
Today, I can most definitely appreciate the traits that he has unknowingly passed down to me. I like to look at it as an unexpected blessing that I will always appreciate and hold on to.
Life Lessons
You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word. Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart. Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The (woman)(man) I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away. I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid. By Joanna F.
Enjoy the Day!
Missy
