A New Mom (still)

A New Mom.

That would definitely be the title that best describes me. Even after a full year, I feel as though I'm crawling on the floor, in the dark with blinders on. Jacob has yet another cold, and he had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

The good news is, he weighs 25 pounds and he is 32 inches tall, but unfortunately, he has been experiencing some constipation problems. I'll spare you the yucky details but my recent membership into motherhood has definitely been tested for the past few days. In addition, the doctor recommended ear drops because apparently, there is a build up of wax in his left ear. He explained how to use the medication step-by-step so initially, it sounded easy-peezy.

Boy, was I wrong.

First, I read the instructions on the bottle, which recommended that you administer five drops into the ear canal. Then either keep the child on their side or to insert a cotton ball into the ear, so as to prevent the much-needed medicine from exiting the canal. Unfortunately, I didn't have cotton balls so I cleverly opted for a small piece of toilet paper. But then when I actually went to administer the drops, much to my dismay Jacob quickly began to squirm and it felt as though I had to squeeze the tiny bottle with all my might to get even one single drop.  

Finally, after five long minutes of him crying and squirming, I felt confident that I had released the five drops into his ear canal so I strategically placed the bunched up piece of toilet paper, and prayed that the medicine would still be able to work its magic. Then I placed him in the tub and waited for the recommended length of time before removing the toilet paper. While I waited, I bathed him as best I could, given he was still crying and visibly tired. But when I finally removed the toilet paper, I didn't see anything that resembled ear wax. In fact, I didn't see anything at all. The outer ear was completely clear - Crap!

By this point, I knew he wouldn't endure another round of this so I opted to finish his bath to prevent a complete breakdown. Plus, to be honest I was spent. Immediately, though I started to think about what other scenarios might work better - Maybe I could try while he is drinking a bottle? I made a mental note and continued to dry him off, so I could finish his bedtime routine.

I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I know, I know - it's not a big deal, but when I am in the moment, its difficult for me to look at the big picture - instead I think things like, this was supposed to be easy - how did I manage to get it all wrong? I recognize that nobody is perfect and that I am definitely not the exception, but in the moment when things are going wrong - even things as trivial as removing ear wax, I tend to lose sight of that.

Needless to say, we both went to bed early last night, which was good, because it better prepared me for more fussiness this morning, more than likely due to his nagging cold. But I suppose that is what being a Mom is all about. Taking the good with the bad. Every day won't be full of smiles. That and recognizing that I'm not always going to have all the answers and I have a whole heck of a lot more to learn about being a Mom. No question there.

In essence, I need to put my "big girl pants on" and remind myself that I am bound to make mistakes, overreact, and even lose my patience. (although, I hope and pray it doesn't happen often) But despite my  mistakes, I know that I am a good Mom. Goofy, sometimes yes. Funny, always.

There were a few sweet moments yesterday between fussiness and tears. Like, an unexpected first kiss upon request while sharing an apple. I jokingly said that I would give him another piece of apple if he gave me a kiss and I was completely caught by surprise, when he happily obliged. Twice. It was most definitely the silver lining to our cloudy day. And I must say, it was well worth it.

As always, thanks for listening.
Enjoy the Day!

Missy

He's One

Yesterday Jacob turned one. Somebody pinch me - I am the mother of a happy, healthy one-year old. And he's perfect, in every way.

He's not quite walking yet - crawling is his preferance. His favorite past time is to open and close doors, drawers and cabinets. He also likes to take all of the q-tips out of the box, then carefully, one-by-one, put them back. (Usually - sometimes, they are left sprawled all over our bedroom floor)

As far as the types of food he fancies, he loves most of what we have tried giving him. Probably the only things he refuses to eat are peas, but I really can't blame him - I am not a big fan either.

Overall, he is a typical baby - he only cries when he is overly tired or hungry. Otherwise, he is sure to have a grin from ear to ear, showing off his two itty-bitty teeth on bottom, which I just can't get enough of!

And he's definitely spunky, which is just a nice way to say that he is stubborn. It's kind of funny, actually. But not to worry, I have mastered the art form of keeping my expressions hidden from him, as to not confuse the situation.

When I am putting him to bed at night, he loves to hold on to his bottle - it's really very sweet. So, I guess at the moment his bottle is his lovee.

He also loves to babble on and on, which leads me to believe that like his mommy, he is going to be a talker. I have noticed lately that he enjoys matching the tone in my sentence. For example, if I am asking him a question, he will respond with the very same tone, as if he is asking me a question in return.

Now that he is officially one and we have had twelve months worth of memories with him, I just can't imagine our lives with him not in it. Before I got pregnant with him, I always felt as though something was missing. There was a void and I did everything I could to fill it. And I didn't feel whole.

But in my heart, I always knew that I was destined to be a Mom. And now that I am, that hole has been completely filled. In fact, it's brimming with an overwhelming feeling of love, pride and pure joy. When I think about the nine years I had to wait to have him, there is no doubt in mind that I would do it all over again.

If there was ever a song that describes my feelings for him, it would be this one...



Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

The Transition

Leo and I had a heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago about Jacob and our "co-sleeping" situation and we both agreed that it was time for us to transition him into his crib. {gulp}

One of several reasons, Jacob is a crazy sleeper - he moves constantly throughout the night and he ends up in the strangest positions. On some mornings, we'd find him sleeping lengthwise between the both of us. He also kicks. As a result, I wasn't getting much sleep because I am and have always been a light sleeper. It was also pretty evident to both of us that he wasn't getting the sleep he needed either. And to be quite honest, I sensed that he needed his own space to stretch out in.

So we settled on a Friday to try it out - last Friday to be exact. I followed our normal bedtime routine, which is: bath, book, then bottle. Typically, I give him his bottle in our room, me sitting up in bed, him on my lap, rocking him from side to side. (Next on the list of things to eliminate) Instead, I opted for the rocking chair in his room. He was asleep within just a few minutes - a little after 8pm.

I carefully set him down on his side, binky in his mouth (The third item on my list) and turned on the monitor and a noise machine that makes heartbeat noises and then I quietly left the room. I immediately turned on the monitor screen in our room to wait and watch to see if there was any stirring caused by my opening and closing his door, but there was no movement.

Not even a peep.

I must have stared at the monitor every few minutes for a full hour. I kept trying not to think about the things that inevitably would find their way back into my thoughts, like what if he wakes up and I don't hear him?, or what if his leg gets caught?, or the the room is too hot or cold - I finally turned on a relaxing spa-like CD. (my go-to on sleepless nights) And then magically, I fell asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I immediately rolled over to check on him but all I could see was an empty crib. Of course, I jumped up and headed for his room but as soon as I opened our bedroom door, Leo called out from downstairs to tell me that he had just checked on him - apparently, Jacob had found the only corner in his crib that the camera couldn't capture. But guess what? He didn't wake up until 7am on that fine Saturday morning and when I went in to get him, he was all smiles.

Today marks day six days since we started the transition and overall, it's still gone really well. And I have to say, it has been SO nice to have my evenings back. I now have time to wash my face and brush my teeth in a normal person pace, I can lay on the couch and watch a recorded television sitcom. (I watch very little television these days...I suppose that's a good thing) I'm able to pick up a little around the house and I've even started packing our lunches for the following work day.

This whole process has also shown me that changes like this one can sometimes be harder on us as parents, than they are for the child. In this instance, the first two nights, for me, were by far the hardest. I missed him being in our bed - the closeness we shared and knowing that he was safe because he was right there with us. But you know what? I don't regret our decision to co-sleep with Jacob until now. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think the key is to do what feels right for you and your child, without any guilt. I am positive that I could find several articles promoting both sides of the co-sleeping/non-co-sleeping argument but let's face it, nothing is cut and dry when it comes to raising a human being. And what works for one child, may not work for another.

With this big transition under my belt, I am definitely feeling more confident as a Mom and it makes me feel as though I will definitely be able to tackle the other items needing to be eliminated (eventually), like the rocking, the bottle and yes, even the binky. {gasp!}

Enjoy the day!
Missy