That would definitely be the title that best describes me. Even after a full year, I feel as though I'm crawling on the floor, in the dark with blinders on. Jacob has yet another cold, and he had a doctor's appointment yesterday.
The good news is, he weighs 25 pounds and he is 32 inches tall, but unfortunately, he has been experiencing some constipation problems. I'll spare you the yucky details but my recent membership into motherhood has definitely been tested for the past few days. In addition, the doctor recommended ear drops because apparently, there is a build up of wax in his left ear. He explained how to use the medication step-by-step so initially, it sounded easy-peezy.
Boy, was I wrong.
First, I read the instructions on the bottle, which recommended that you administer five drops into the ear canal. Then either keep the child on their side or to insert a cotton ball into the ear, so as to prevent the much-needed medicine from exiting the canal. Unfortunately, I didn't have cotton balls so I cleverly opted for a small piece of toilet paper. But then when I actually went to administer the drops, much to my dismay Jacob quickly began to squirm and it felt as though I had to squeeze the tiny bottle with all my might to get even one single drop.
Finally, after five long minutes of him crying and squirming, I felt confident that I had released the five drops into his ear canal so I strategically placed the bunched up piece of toilet paper, and prayed that the medicine would still be able to work its magic. Then I placed him in the tub and waited for the recommended length of time before removing the toilet paper. While I waited, I bathed him as best I could, given he was still crying and visibly tired. But when I finally removed the toilet paper, I didn't see anything that resembled ear wax. In fact, I didn't see anything at all. The outer ear was completely clear - Crap!
By this point, I knew he wouldn't endure another round of this so I opted to finish his bath to prevent a complete breakdown. Plus, to be honest I was spent. Immediately, though I started to think about what other scenarios might work better - Maybe I could try while he is drinking a bottle? I made a mental note and continued to dry him off, so I could finish his bedtime routine.
I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I know, I know - it's not a big deal, but when I am in the moment, its difficult for me to look at the big picture - instead I think things like, this was supposed to be easy - how did I manage to get it all wrong? I recognize that nobody is perfect and that I am definitely not the exception, but in the moment when things are going wrong - even things as trivial as removing ear wax, I tend to lose sight of that.
Needless to say, we both went to bed early last night, which was good, because it better prepared me for more fussiness this morning, more than likely due to his nagging cold. But I suppose that is what being a Mom is all about. Taking the good with the bad. Every day won't be full of smiles. That and recognizing that I'm not always going to have all the answers and I have a whole heck of a lot more to learn about being a Mom. No question there.
In essence, I need to put my "big girl pants on" and remind myself that I am bound to make mistakes, overreact, and even lose my patience. (although, I hope and pray it doesn't happen often) But despite my mistakes, I know that I am a good Mom. Goofy, sometimes yes. Funny, always.
There were a few sweet moments yesterday between fussiness and tears. Like, an unexpected first kiss upon request while sharing an apple. I jokingly said that I would give him another piece of apple if he gave me a kiss and I was completely caught by surprise, when he happily obliged. Twice. It was most definitely the silver lining to our cloudy day. And I must say, it was well worth it.
As always, thanks for listening.
Enjoy the Day!
Missy
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