Looking Up

Up. Never down. Always blue. At least in my mind. The sun is out. The wind whips past my face. I'm knee deep in earth. The soil at my very finger tips, finding it's way under my fingernails - no matter how careful I am. I'm pulling weeds. The sky is my motive - to stay outdoors. It is a beautiful day. An exceptionally beautiful day. It's amazing how alive I feel. Right. Now. Here. In this moment in my back yard. I don't even need my IPod. There are many birds in our yard fluttering about. They surround me with peaceful songs.

It's relaxing. Comforting. I wonder to myself why don't do this more often? Who would have thought that I'd actually enjoy this? Certainly not me. I make a mental note to try and remember this. I stand up to give my back a break and turn around to see my cats, Sunny and Quincy perched in the kitchen window - quietly watching my every move. I look around. Really take it all in and think to myself - this is my place of peace. My safe zone. Our home. The spot we return to every day after a long day of work. Our refuge. Together.

Life happens and we naturally look away. We look past the pain, the hurt and sometimes anger. We may even at times look down and forget to look around. To really look up and take notice. The sky, the flowers, the fluttering birds with their joyful songs. The simple act of pulling weeds. Getting back to basics. Right here and right now. I am happy. I look up at the beautiful blue sky today and thank God for this day. This hour of reflection. This life.

My Very Own Silver Lining

I woke up this morning to the sunlight streaming through the mini blinds in our bedroom. Leo was already up and watching t.v. downstairs. It only took a moment to remember that it was Father's Day and I immediately felt like staying in bed with the covers over my head - not ready to face the day. My heart became heavy with grief, guilt and sadnesss. Grief from losing my Dad many years ago and guilt from feeling as though I am the reason that Leo isn't able to celebrate being a Dad today. Sadness, I'm sure from a combination of both.

I know what you are going to say - "It's not your fault," "It's God's will," or "These things sometimes happen" and "You must not think that way." And Leo has assured me over and over that he is happy with our life. He doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything and he has repeatedly told me that it's not my fault.

Although these words are meant to make me feel better, they really have very little effect on me. Admittedly, I know they SHOULD make me feel better and I know that they come from people who love me and who genuinely want me to be happy. But it's as if I have no control over this part of my heart that is secretly suffering through what feels like a fertile world. I know - I am sure that probably sounds a bit crazy but it's SO true. From my perspective.

The family oriented holidays, the bumper stickers, the baby showers, the milestone birthdays, the conversations that I cannot participate in. (Usually I choose to smile and wait patiently for the conversation to change) Hearing someone tell a new Mom how blessed she is. (Does that mean that I am not blessed?) Listening to women complain about being a "fertile Myrtle" and the assumptions that people sometimes make when you don't have any kids: "You must have so much time on your hands." Once I was invited to an event to raise money to fund abortions for women who couldn't afford it. Let's just say I had to take a few breaths to calm myself down before I respectfully declined. I could think of 100 other worthy causes - sorry, this one is not one of them. (for me)

I know that all of these situations - the statements, the bumper stickers and even the invite weren't done to specifically and intentionally hurt me. The fact is, I am a woman who has not been able to do what we women were created to do; re-produce, pro-create, give birth. And because that's a fact - it's hard to forget or dismiss. And these things serve as a constant reminder. A reminder that sometimes triggers thoughts of special memories that Leo and I will miss out on because we don't have kids.

The many firsts, visits from the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, and Santa Claus. The sports games, tournaments and club events. The first dance, the first date and the proms. The college years, graduation ceremonies and the beautiful weddings. Leo being the proud father in every instance and me crying tears of happiness in the background. The many, many photos, the hugs and the kisses and I love you's. And Grandchildren.

I know full well that thinking about these things will not make the problem go away. I also know that they will always hurt but they are my real feelings and thoughts none the less. For my health and peace of mind, I need to talk and write them all down - to cope better. feel better. To purge and let go. When I don't talk about it, it's not as if the thoughts and sad feelings magically go away. I am allowing myself to really be honest. And more importantly, I am hopefully shedding some light into the thoughts and feelings of those of us who don't have children as a result of PCOS.

Here are a few more tale-tell signs; we are typically overly-sensitive and sentimental. We cry at the drop of a hat. We are moody at times, pensive and distracted. We tend to over-commit (probably because we feel guilty about not having enough time to do it all....you know, since we don't have kids) We are over-achievers and everything has to be "just right." We tend to control absolutely everything in our lives because we have very little control over everything else. But above all else, we love to take care of others - especially our loved ones and closest friends.

To some, we may seem straight-up crazy about the "little details" but as I have always said, my family, friends, co-workers and even my employers have always benefited from my particular brand of craziness. And in some strange way, knowing this makes me feel better. I guess you could say it's my very own silver lining.

Food for Thought: a Writing Exercise

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Pink of Perfection and came across this writing exercise. Maybe it will inspire me to change up a few things or at least move in the right direction to some pretty amazing new experiences in my life. I encourage you to take time out of your busy day to come up with your very own answers. Above all else, have fun with it!

Write ten things you love:

• Photos of my hubby, family and friends
  
• The house that my husband and I share
  
• My camera
• Talking and sharing ideas/successes with other women
  
• My cookbook collection
• A white ceramic vase that belonged to my Grandmother
• Anything Girly!
  
• Dark chocolate covered caramels
  
• My collection of cards from Leo over the years
• A wood carved and hand-painted cat made by my Dad
  

Write five things you would do if you knew you wouldn’t fail:

• Become a published author
  
• Open an adorably quaint boutique that also offers workshops and cooking/cake decorating/scrapbooking classes
• Start a non-profit benefiting women with PCOS - offering education, resources, guidance and support
  
• Create a yearly event that brings awareness to PCOS
• Create a party planning consulting company
  

Write five alternative lives you would like to live other than your own:

• Mother of three
  
• Author
  
• Shop owner
  
• Party planning & social media consultant
  
• Non-profit company owner
  

Write four tiny things you can do in the life you have to bring you closer to those imagined lives

• Write more
  
• Hire an agent
  
• Get my college degree and MBA
  
• Lots of research
• Become an expert in my field
• Workshops
  

Now, imagine an older, wiser version of yourself who has some advice to share.

What do you need to know?

• Will I be a Mom?
  
• If not, will I finally be able to move forward?
  
• What do I need to do to feel good about myself? (my whole self)
• What do I need to do to get where I want to be?
• How can I use my gifts/strengths to help others?
  
• What steps are neccessary for me to obtain my dreams?
  

What do you need to embrace?

• My spirit
• The path I am currently on and the path I moving towards
• The gifts I have been given
  
• The experiences that make me who I am
  
• My quirky-ness
• My eye for beautiful things (that don't necessarily have to be expensive)
  
• My inability to let the cards fall where they may
  

What do you need to do?

• Be more consistent
• Be confident
  
• Be assertive
  
• Stop being so hard on myself
  
• Be o.k. with mistakes - they are sometimes inevitable and un-avoidable!
  
• Let others help
  
• Take better care of myself
• Be comfortable with saying, "No" nicely of course - a BIGGEE for me!
  

What do you need to grieve?

• The loss of two pregnancies
  
• The loss of going through most of my adult life without my Dad
• The loss of losing my little brother at age 19 - wishing I'd had more time with him
  

What do you need to celebrate?

• My relationship with God
  
• My marriage - can't imagine my life without him!
  
• My relationship with my Mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews and Leo's family - Oh how I love them so!
• The fact that after 3 years, I still LOVE my job!
  
• All of the many friendships that I have made over the years
  
• All of the experiences I've had, good or bad - I'm a better person for it!
  

All Grown Up

Where did the time go? This past weekend I was reminded of just how grown up our nieces and nephews are. Leo and I spent Saturday evening with Xavier, now 15 and Alexander, 12.

We took the boys to Red Robin for a late dinner. It was surprisingly empty - which I was secretly hoping for. (I am not a big fan of loud restaurants) Xavier shared with us all of the background information on his favorite books, movies and characters. Mind you, he spoke in a deeper voice than I am still not used to hearing. We were seated at a booth near the kitchen so Alex was happy as a clam watching all of the not so behind the scenes. I literally sat there thinking, "When did they both grow up?" To top off the evening, when we got into the car to head home, Xavier very politely thanked us both for dinner. (it was so cute!)

On Sunday we headed to Bonelli Park in San Dimas, CA. My niece Jennifer, now 20 year old was throwing her very first birthday party for her son, Jonathan, who was turning 4. A few weeks prior, she sent us the cutest cowboy themed invite that she made herself. The cowboy theme was carried into the entire party - the tablecloths, the napkins, the cake and even Jonathan's outfit for the day. (A girl after my own heart!) Her boyfriend Chris and his Dad man'd the barbeque proudly. It was also the first time we got to spend some time with his family.

Jennifer made potato salad (just like the Mejia's make it) and a yummy pasta salad complete with tomatoes, bacon and asparagus. (my personal favorite) She also offered grilled pineapple to top our burgers! I took turns holding and playing with Atom, my niece Jesica's little boy - who will be 1 in October and Marley - my little sister's baby girl who turned 1 this past April. We got to watch as Jonathan successfully flew his very first kite and I managed to capture his facial expression when he got to open his eyes to see his brand new motorized truck.

I was so happy to be there - to be able to share this special moment with my niece - her little boy's 4th birthday and her very first successful party. Me and my sisters were just like proud mother hens, exclaiming every few minutes how good everything was. It was fun to see the kids all laughing and playing together like we did as kids but the best moment by far was watching Jennifer hugging Jonathan at the close of the party. She asked him, "Did you have a good birthday?" and he exclaimed with so much excitement, "YES, Mommy!"

A Little Less Junk - A Lot More Healthy

Over the weekend I tackled the job of cleaning out our kitchen pantry and refrigerator. I got rid of everything that was bad for us - the buttered popcorn, the fattening salad dressings and processed snacks and goodies. Said good bye to the Top Ramen easily heated to perfection in minutes and the potato chips that hit the spot when eating a good deli sandwich.

When all was said and done, both areas of the kitchen looked sparse to say the least. I stood back and saw for the first time lots of room for healthy growth. I also felt lighter somehow, I know that sounds crazy but it's true. I filled nearly two large shopping bags of items that hadn't been opened. My frugal side felt little pangs of guilt but I'm hoping that will go away eventually.

Leo and I then made a trip to Stater Brothers and Fresh & Easy to do some healthy re-stocking. Instead of white bread, we opted for whole grain. Instead of canned and frozen vegetables, we bought lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. We bought low fat dressings (sorry - just can't deal with the fat free - yuck!) and healthy snacks like almonds and endamame.

We stayed away from the red meats and opted for fish and chicken. No more soda or fruit juices - just plain old water and sugar free sports drinks. We also found whole grain croutons - I didn't even know they existed. (we tried them on our salad last night and they were really very good!)
I also bought wheat pizza dough to make a veggie pizza and some extra virgin olive oil to replace my vegetable oil. We said good-bye to butter and hello to other much healthier options like nutella or honey.

For future grocery shopping trips, I created a reference list of all the items categorized as low g.i. items and posted it on the refrigerator door - there aren't many items but I am making a few allowances, such as with cheese. I can't imagine going through the rest of my life without cheese - I love it. So, I will allow myself a couple of ounces of cheese from time to time. And I could never really say good bye to chocolate.

I guess it's true what they say - it's all about eating in moderation. At any rate, I am glad I finally made the choice to make some real solid changes in my "lifestyle", as the Doctor so cleverly put it. Leo is definitely on board, which makes it SO much easier on me. He has been such a great source of support through all of this. (Thank you BB!)

Now that I've shown you what's in my pantry and refrigerator, I think it's only fair that I know what's in yours. Especially if you have some great low fat, low g.i. items I don't already know about. Please feel free to share because I can use all of the help I can get!

P.S. Update - as of late yesterday, all of my medical records and test results have been received at Doctor Jacobson's office - yay! Leo and I are so happy and ready to move on to the next step.

In Due Time

It has been nearly two and a 1/2 weeks since I made the first call to my Doctor's office to request that all of my records be sent to Dr. Jacobson. I can't even tell you how many phone calls I've made over the past few weeks. My last call was last Friday and the receptionist assured me that it would be faxed within minutes. At the request of my husband I didn't call yesterday - I even waited until 10am this morning and still nothing had been faxed.

I am typically a very patient person but these types of situations really drive me crazy. Probably beause I have no control over them and I feel helpless. No amount of planning or organization can help me. Literally, I am at the mercy of someone else's busy schedule. Someone else's inability to organize and most importantly, to prioritize.

Leo says to be nice, that it will only make matter's worse if I get angry or give them attitude but this morning when I made the call and found out that nothing had been done, I wanted to just break down and say, "My clock is not waiting for these documents - every day, maybe even every hour could make a world of difference in whether or not this can happen for me, for us. In my head I think that laying it all out on the table would make a world of a difference but then again, maybe it wouldn't.

I know full well that they have other patients but shouldn't my situation at the very least move up a bit especially when lesser time pressing to do's are sitting above mine? It's hard sometimes not to feel like I am trying to do everything I can to beat the ever looming, ever increasing in size clock. (in my case, a PCOS clock)

Coffee or an ice-cold coca cola right about now would make me feel better but I can't do that anymore. No more using caffeine to keep me going. So! I have to just take time to breathe in and out, in and out, and in and out some more. Listen to good music and tell myself, "in due time." Maybe even pray for patience because I am definitely running low.

I think I'll wait two hours before calling again. That's plenty of time to fax over documents, right? At least in my world.

Back at Square One

We're back at square one. I really thought we had chosen our life's path but this past Mother's Day weekend really proved to me that I am not ready to move on. It was a very emotional couple of days for me. Adding to the mix was my crazier than ever hormone levels, the fact that I turned 37 on May 7th and my ever-increasing waist line.

We hadn't completely stopped trying - I had been monitoring myself to figure out when I was ovulating but after two months in a row - still nothing. Which in the grand scheme of things is a huge problem. So we both decided it was time to (gulp) find a new doctor. (this will be doctor #4)

The first thing I did was search for a endocrinologist and luckily for me there were a few new ones in our network. On a whim I scrolled down looking at all of the various "specialists" and I came upon a "reproductive endocrinologist." Huh? I don't remember seeing that there before and none of my previous doctor's have ever mentioned or suggested it to me? (sigh)

There are a total of three reproductive endocrinologists in our network and two of them are in the same office at Loma Linda University. The other is in Riverside so I opted for the latter. I made our appointment, which surprisingly was easily scheduled within just a few days. We met with Dr. John Jacobson on May 24th at 2:30 pm.

Dr. Jacobson greeted us with a smile, shook our hand and asked the question - "What brings you both here?" What a loaded question! I literally felt my throat tighten and I knew I could have talked for hours and hours but I simply stated, "We want to know that we've tried everything to have a baby." He then went on to ask several other questions, he asked about the tests we'd taken, the medications, etc. etc. He then did an ultra sound and said that everything looked normal (other than the cysts in my ovaries.) He also said that he could see follicles in my ovaries, which he said was a good sign. (Yay!)

The thing that struck us both was that he took his time to answer every single question and then he took even more time to explain PCOS. He said that the medication that I had been taking - metformin is not a solution, it's more like a band-aid and in my case, it's not even working. He then gently asked the question, "Has anyone ever talked to you before about your lifestyle?" (I knew this was coming) I told him yes (I am sure with a smirk) but he even made that whole subject clearer to me telling me, "It's not about losing weight to have a baby, it's about making better choices and living a healthier lifestyle."

Truthfully, at first I was sort of annoyed because I kept thinking, "but there are lots of overweight women out there having babies just fine!" but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is not about everyone else, this was about me and my poor choices. He then handed me a handout cleverly titled, "Nutrition Prescription" instead of "diet." (very smart man)

So the next step is to wait for all of my records to be sent over to his office. He'll then determine what tests, if any, he will request of me. Then once he has reviewed everything, we will meet again to go over his recommended action plan. Leo and I both agreed that we liked Dr. Jacobson and we are very optimistic. (and feeling much more like a team in all of this as a result)

I went to the gym last night for the first time in months and I started the recommended G.I. Diet - similar to the mediternean diet on Tuesday. (Basically, no sugar) I am keeping a daily food journal to keep track of what I am eating. I cut out all beverages, except water of course. Coffee was and still is a biggee for me (I miss it so) but it's only been two days and I must say, I am already feeling much better. I am also doing my best to find more balance in my life. (this is a constant goal for me that seems very hard to obtain at times...but I am sure it's just a part of life today in this day and age, right?)

I am hopeful and determined to do whatever it takes to be healthy, feel better and hopefully the best gift of all would be for me not only to be able to get pregnant but stay pregnant. I am sure this is the first of many posts on the subject - it really is cathartic for me to write about this normally very private matter. It sort of makes it all real for me so that I can't continue to keep putting it on the back burner. Thank you to all of you for your constant love and support thus far. We both really appreciate it more than you know.

Please pray for us both as we move past square one.