Finding Balance and the 4-Month Update

Confession: I feel guilty admitting this but although I've never been happier in my life, I have also been teeter-tottering lately between feeling completely overwhelmed and feeling as though I have (almost) everything under control.

Granted, I have a four-month old baby and I am very proud to say that every waking moment at home has been spent playing and taking care of  him - the only time I spend on cleaning up and organizing myself is during his naps or very early in the morning before I get ready ready for work.

I haven't slept in in weeks and I have had several evenings, especially recently when I just wanted to crawl into bed to gather my thoughts and energy for the next full day. But despite all of this, I honestly wouldn't trade being Jacob's Mom for anything in the world. I'm slowly learning to let things go by the way side like dirty dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor and carpets not being vacuumed once a week but I still have a long way to go. 

Which brings me to a very important question and I am dying to hear what all of you have to say on the matter. For those of you who work full-time, how do you find balance between work and your home life? and how do you find time for yourself? I want to know your secrets, your short-cuts and your accidental discoveries. Share away, please! And then with your permission, I would like to post your answers to share with other new Mom's like me who are struggling with the age old question of how to find find balance. (Please send your secrets to me at missyah1@sbcglobal.net)

Back to the main reason I am posting today - Jake turned four months old last Saturday and I am loving every second of him at this age because he is just so much fun!

His favorite things to do at the moment are to stare at shapes and words - I can literally stand in our kitchen, in front of my hutch of cookbooks with him in my arms and he will literally stare at them - I can only guess that he is focusing on the colors and the shapes of the letters in the cookbook titles. It is the funniest thing.

Jacob is grasping at things a lot more now and he loves anything musical. He has also recently discovered hit feet and how to bring things, like his pacifier to his mouth. And I could never get enough of hearing him laugh out loud - it makes my heart melt every time. He had his well baby exam this past Tuesday and he weighed in at a healthy 14 lbs and 26 inches long and he is quickly getting too big for size 3-6 months. He just has a few things that still fit him but for the most part, he is now in size 6 months.

We had another milestone this past Tuesday - I dropped Jacob off at daycare for the very first time.

The night before I was a complete mess. It was a busy 3-day weekend because I needed to do a bunch of things around the house, like move all my things back up to the master bathroom, (I had been showering and getting ready downstairs so as to not wake up the boys) move all of my clothes and shoes back into my closet (they were in Jacob's bathroom for the same reason) and then get Jacob's things ready for daycare. Plus, I needed to go to Babies R Us, the grocery store and to Target and I also needed to get in at least a couple of hours of work to stay on top of things.

It was also important to me to spend quality time with Leo and Jacob. So as you can imagine, all of this just added to my anxiousness and I felt completely overwhelmed. I literally had to remind myself to just focus on one thing at a time - as silly as that sounds.

Once I had everything done and Jacob's things were ready for daycare, I felt so much better. (I always feel better when I get it all done) but I was still anxious and nervous about his first day. Thankfully, I am very happy to report that all of my anxiousness was all for nothing because everything went PERFECTLY and the best part has been that Jacob seems to really like Julia, his babysitter. From the moment she held him for the very first time, he was all smiles. And the other kids love to clamor around him every morning when he arrives - it's so cute to watch.

Julia has been really great about sending me pictures and even an adorable video on his first day of him babbling to her - I could watch it for hours. I feel so incredibly lucky that we found her. And the best part is, she lives less than two miles from campus where I work. I know - so very lucky.

So that's my four month old update - I will try to post again sooner than later - when I don't, I miss it and I definitely miss my blogging community! I hope you all are well and happy.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

P.P.G.

P.P.G, also known as Party Planning Girl.

This was the name I was quickly given by my co-workers at ADP, a data processing company where I worked for nearly four years. It didn't take long for them to see the gleam in my eye when someone mentioned there was a shower or a birthday celebration to plan. I jumped at the chance to help several co-workers in the months leading up to their weddings and ended up being their "go to" person on the day of their big day and I loved every minute of it. 

From a very early age I loved to plan, organize and execute parties and I was pretty good at it, too. But when I got out of high school I had no idea that I could actually get paid to this type of work. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my days in office type positions. Luckily for me, the constant encouragement I received  from my co-workers helped motivate me to take the leap of faith and leave the security of a stable, great paying job.

With very little real-life experience I applied for a job in the catering department at several local golf courses in the area and to my surprise, I landed an assistant position for the Director of Catering at Shandin Hills Golf Course. I was finally getting paid to do what I loved - it was a dream come true for me. Unfortunately, the honeymoon period didn't last long. I loved the job itself and the brides who inevitably became my friends and the pay was amazing but the hours - they were horrible. In those six months, I worked every single weekend and the hours were long. Very long.

By this time Leo and I were married and we barely saw each other so I knew I couldn't stay. My heart was broken knowing I had to find a job with better hours. For several years I ended up working in the private sector of the Foster Care industry and I really enjoyed it. I started out as a clerical staff member but in the end, I was fundraising, organizing toy drives, cultivating relationships and partnerships in the community and  twice a year, planning events for the kids.

A few years later, I knew it was time for me to find something that involved more event planning so I applied for several positions. One of openings was in the Alumni Relations Office for the University of La Verne. The job description made mention to some event related tasks but after I submitted my online application I didn't hear anything for weeks. About a month later I received the phone call to interview for the job and after several rounds of interviews with various groups of people, the position was offered to someone who already worked on campus.

I was crushed to say the least. 

For a few days I sulked wishing the call had gone differently and I started to really wonder - was this the industry for me? Should I just resolve myself to being happy in a stable office type position? Maybe I was asking for or expecting too much out of life? And worse yet, I wondered if I had made the right decision to leave ADP in the first place. But then that very next Monday I received a phone call from the University only this time they offered me the job!

I have since been with the University for nearly four years and I can honestly say that l love coming to work every day. With any job, there are challenges I face every day - deadlines, last minute additions and changes, and circumstances I have no control over despite my futile attempts but the job itself suits me to a "t." I love working alongside my co-workers and I enjoy meeting and getting to know our alumni. And the best part is, I can be as crazy organized and detail oriented as I want to be and without apologies. 

I say all of this to show you that it is possible to find the career you are meant to have. Just think about what you are passionate about and figure out what industry is best suited for you based on that passion. And don't give up when it doesn't happen right away. My path to La Verne took me eleven years but I wouldn't trade all of the experiences I had in that time for anything now. I'm so glad I took the leap of faith. And most of all, I feel very fortunate to have had such supportive co-workers who pushed and encouraged me to find my life's passion.

Now it's my turn to encourage you - what is your life's passion?

Missy

Stepping Stones

How to grieve losing a baby that you never got to hold.

For me, losing two in utero initially felt like I had been punished. My body hadn't done it's job. It was easy to blame myself because who else could I blame? Simply put, I was the one who was supposed to take the egg and make it into a baby. It's only been in the last year that I have finally come to realize that it was really God saying that he had other plans for me and for my little babies. It's still hard to deal with at times but overall, I get it now and I feel completely able to help others through the grieving process. In fact, there is nothing I want more than to help other women follow the stepping stones through their own grief.  

My loss has truly opened my eyes to what is really important in life and I am humbled by the countless blessings I've been given. True friendships were solidified. And the door opened up for me to sit down and write via a blog - my very own place to share, sort out, learn, grow and to be consistently inspired. It has also been a great place for me to connect with other women who are dealing with P.C.O.S and loss. We carry each other at different times but we are always in it together - no matter what. In short, I have been very lucky to have the kind of encouragement and support I have been given and I want to pay it forward somehow.

Many have asked me questions related to how they can best help a loved one dealing with grief. It's difficult to sometimes know just what to say. Over the years I have heard many heartfelt words that have helped me through and also some that have unintentionally angered or hurt me. Today, I wholeheartedly believe that the best thing anyone could say to someone who has lost a baby or any loved one for that matter is, "I am so very sorry for your loss." That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And instead of saying, "I am here for you if you need anything," figure out what is in your heart to do and like a Nike ad, "Just Do It."

• Drop off a homemade casserole or some yummy baked goods
• Offer them your hand and/or a great big hug
• Encourage them to talk about their grief 
• Gift them a journal or to start a blog
• Encourage them to read blogs written by women who are experiencing the same kind of grief

I also believe that remembering our angel babies in a outward way is a crucial stepping stone in moving past the pain. I've done some research and would like to share the links of some pretty amazing websites that offer several different ways to remember them in a special way. There will probably always be some sadness but when we remember them outwardly by lighting a special candle or placing an angelic statue in our garden or even wearing a symbolic necklace, we will be able to think about their existence in our lives, no matter how short lived and we open up our hearts to feel blessed.

Blessed by their angelic spirits and by their love that shines down on us every single day. 

International Star Registry
Arbor Day Foundation
The Comfort Company
Planet Gift Bakets
Inspired Art Prints
Patricia Ann Jewelry Designs
Molly Bears
My Forever Child
La Belle Dame
Still Life 365
Christian's Beach

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Homemade Bliss

Homemade Bliss.

That would be my short and sweet description for all of the beautiful handmade blankets Jacob received: Crocheted blankets, tie fleece blankets, blankets embroidered with his name and even an antique fire truck quilt.

One particular blanket is extra special to me because it was made from material that my Mom had been holding on to since my little brother, Mario was a baby. When I read the card, just before opening the box carrying a beautiful Winnie the Pooh blanket, my heart filled up with love knowing just how special this blanket was to her and now to me and one day it will be very special to Jacob, too.  

Blankets hand-made by the people you love - I really don't think there is anything better. Every time I wrap Jacob in one of these blankets, I smile and my heart warms a little knowing that love went into every stitch and into every tie.

Because they are so special, I make it a point to use a different blanket every month and when I photograph Jacob, I always use one in the background and not just to commemorate the blanket for me but also for Jacob and who knows, maybe one day he will wrap his own baby boy or girl in the very same same blankets with a smile and a warmed heart.
 

One Month Old

Two Months Old

Three Months Old

A Place To Be Remembered

Shasta-Trinity National Forest

I had to share this. This morning while checking my dashboard, I came across a post from one of my blogger friends: Miss C. The title is "The Angel List" and in it she explains that a tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest and below that she lists the names of babies either born preterm, still or by miscarriage. All in all, there will be 40 trees planted in honor of her own twins, Michael and Alena who they lost this past October.

As I scrolled down, I read the names of our two babies:

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

For a few seconds I couldn't catch my breath.

Tears started to fall down my face as I tried to wrap my head around what had just been given to us and to our babies - a physical place where they can be remembered forever - what an amazing gift. It is astounding to me that through her own pain, she has taken it upon herself to help others find peace by finding a place to memorialize their babies lost too soon. And even more amazing about all of this is that Miss C and I have never met face to face. We've never shared a cup of coffee or split a lunch bill. We've never talked on the phone or texted back and forth. We've only emailed and shared comments on each others blogs.

She lives in Washington and I in California so we will probably never get the chance to meet but we will always have a special bond and to all of the other bloggers out there who share our story. We are kindred spirits bound by a painful and life-changing circumstance. 

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

Thank you Miss C for giving our girls a tangible place to always be remembered - I feel so incredibly blessed by your friendship and love. 

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Nameless No More

Confession #1: Until last week I couldn't remember the date when I miscarried the first of my two babies. I remembered when I lost the second one because it was on New Year's Eve in 2006. I also hadn't remembered that I had lost them both in 2006.

Because they happened so early in my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to outwardly grieve their loss but the fact of the matter is that had everything gone perfectly, Leo and I would be raising three children instead of one. It wasn't until a blogger friend of mine shared her story that I started to really deal with this reality. I've thought about my angels countless times over the years but I never even whispered a word about their presence in my dreams - not even to Leo.

Confession #2 - in my dreams they are always girls and eventually to help me cope with their loss, I named them but again I never mentioned a word of it, not even to Leo. I guess I was worried that they would think I was crazy or that I was putting too much thought into it. But I needed so badly for them not to be nameless, much less forgotten. They existed even if it was for just a few weeks in my belly and they had the potential to be such beautiful little baby girls. To be able to write about them now, especially here makes me feel so much better because it solidifies their presence in my life.

And so this post is dedicated to my two angels - you were part of me for a very short time but you will forever reside in my heart. I love you both very much and look forward to meeting you one day up in heaven:

Sara Elizabeth - passed on 06/26/06
Olivia Michelle - passed on 12/31/06

For years, I have wanted to purchase jewelry in remembrance of them - I finally did it last week and I am so glad I did. The first is a necklace that I ordered from La Belle Dame and the other is a heart charm that I can attach to my bangle bracelet that says, "Mommy of Angels" on the front and on the back, the dates when we lost them will be engraved. I ordered it from My Forever Child.

Women don't often talk about their experiences with miscarriage and I completely get why - it's depressing no matter how you choose to bring it up. But for someone who has had one or more, it feels good to talk about it because it can be so very isolating when you don't. We need to work through the pain and the loss felt not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.

As always, thank you for allowing me to "come clean." To say that I feel better is a huge understatement. The sadness will always be there but the happiness that comes from talking about them completely washes it away, even for just a little while.

P.S. I have since opened up to Leo about all of this and I'm so glad I did because he also had been wanting to talk about it for some time now. 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

My 2012 New Year's Resolution

Image Source

Hello all - it's that time of year again when we sit down and write down all of the things we would like to accomplish in the coming year and for some reason, I have already hit the ground running. Something about having Jake in my life makes me want to be a better person. This year I took an idea from a fellow blogger (who I just adore) and created categories for this year's goals, which are as follows: 

Health:
1. Limit fast food meals to 3 total per week
2. Lose 10-15 pounds (or at the very least maintain my current weight)
3. Plan healthier home-cooked meals at least 4 days a week

Jake
1. Create a more consistent bedtime routine
2. Break the habit of Jake sleeping in our bed by 6 months old

Home:
1. Finally decorate our bedroom
2. Create a picture wall in our stairway
3. Organize Jake's closet by adding shelving and double rods
4. Hang shelves and other items on Jake's walls
5. Create a guest bedroom

Blogging, Journaling & Scrapbooking
1. Blog a minimum of every other day
2. Scrapbook #1: Baby showers
3. Scrapbook #2: Jake's first year
4. Start journaling daily thoughts & record Jake's milestones
5. Figure out the cheapest way to print photos taken for past 5 years, then get to printing! 

Other
1. Organize rummage/bake sale to raise money for Autism Speaks
2. Have a quilt made from my favorite Jake outfits  
3. Purchase some sort of jewelry in remembrance of my two angels 01/06/12

As you can see, I'm going to be a very busy girl in 2012 but something tells me that the things that the one thing that is bound to fall by the wayside is the scrapbooking because when faced with either playing with Jake and scrapbooking, playing with him will always win. One idea I have is to utilize my lunch hour during the work week, even if I just dedicate 1-2 days per week - it's better than nothing, I figure.

So...enough about me - what's on your new year's resolution?

Enjoy the day!
Missy