Filled to the Brim

It was time. Time to decorate our pre-lit store bought Christmas tree. I stacked the boxes neatly near the tree and began to unwrap each individual ornament. Each one with it's own significance and filled with special memories. Handmade ornaments that I made when I was in kindergarten and elementary school - a hand painted Santa Claus, a snowflake with remnants of silvery glitter and a small stocking with my name written in red pen on the border.

Ornaments that Mom would give me every holiday season, with my name and year written on the back and a few that she had engraved - a shiny gold ornament in the shape of a little girl holding a Christmas bell and a little girl in pajamas holding a cat from the year when I adopted my very first cat who I named Gonzo.

And ornaments that Leo has given me over the years - I especially love the one that has a little boy and girl sitting on a moon - it was a gift from him when we first started dating and a shell ornament from our honeymoon in Maui that plays the song, "Mele Kalikimaka" that we picked it up in a small boutique in Lahaina. 

A button that says "Eat at Ed Debevick's" from my first trip with friends to L.A. my sophomore year in High School. A beautiful ceramic angel ornament holding a key that my Grandma Farmer gave to me when we bought our house. She came to stay with me for a week and we did so much laughing and talking while we worked on putting a puzzle together. (which I later framed and hung in our hallway)

A wooden stocking with Leo's name written across the top, a black and white and a orange ceramic cat that I bought the year we adopted Quincy and Sunny. And a beautiful trio of angels that have real silk wings - a gift from my Mom and a very special gold ornament that serves as a reminder of my little brother in heaven. It has a beautiful poem on the front and his name engraved on the back.

I recently bought an adorable snowman to commemorate our trip as a family to Utah last year for Christmas. Mom had us make our very first snowman - it wasn't much to look at but we had a lot of fun making it. Of course, I have a red Starbucks coffee cup ornament from my love of coffee and lots of Winnie the Pooh ornaments - my favorite childhood Disney character. A mini Christmas poem book - a gift from my friend Sue Newhouse and a set of ceramic teddy bears.

To add some subtle bling, I added shiny gold ball ornaments and then I filled in the holes with red velvet bows. After trimming the tree, I stepped back and took it all in - my eyes scanning the many reminders of wonderful memories and I immediately felt grateful to have such an amazing Mom - the creator of this tradition started so many years ago.

It's a tradition of making your tree so much more than just a tree. In many ways, our Christmas tree reflects who we are individually and also who we are as a couple - where we have been and also where we are headed. It is a very special tree - it is our very own tree that is filled to the brim with memories.

 Our Beautiful Tree

My Blessings

Thanksgiving this year was celebrated in our home. Despite the traffic and the cold, windy weather, my sisters and their families showed up with homemade side dishes. My older sister and my niece showed up early in the morning to help me prep my very first turkey. It was fun, going through all the necessary steps with my sister there to guide me. When the turkey was in the oven, we chattted over freshly brewed coffee and buttery sweet cinnamon rolls.

And the strangest thing happened. In all of my thirty-seven years on this planet, I have always fussed over cleaning, preparing and making everything look perfect but this year, for some reason, I was different. I didn't stress when I realized that we didn't have any ice. I didn't fuss over ironing the tablecloth before placing it and I sat down at the kitchen table...a lot - just talking, laughing and enjoying my family's company. When dinner was over, i didn't rush to wash the dishes - it didn't even enter my mind.

I just sat back and relished. 
Savored every minute.
And it felt good. 

We had such a good time. The food was amazing and thankfully, the turkey was good too. The only thing missing was a couple of family members who couldn't be present, such my Mom, Step-Dad and nephews, Daniel and Jonathan. Their presence was definitely missed but it was difficult, very difficult not to feel completely blessed, sitting around the table with my family and my hubby. We took lots and lots of photos, as we usually do. And we surprised my sisters and my niece with their own individual birthday cakes at the end of the day - the perfect ending to a perfect day. 

I was worried that the holidays would bring me sadness but instead I felt happy and content. And maybe, just maybe this year's experiences - the good and the bad has brought some unexpected balance into my life because the things I thought were important are not anymore and the things that should have been are finally coming into focus. 

It was a great Thanksgiving - one I won't soon forget. I thank God for my family. And for the memories I captured through these photos. I will definitely cherish them forever.

Safe and Sound

I had an inspiring lunch with a beautiful and gracious co-worker today. Then I happened upon this song (thanks to a blog I follow called, Cherish this Baby) by Mercy Me. We all know that letting go is never easy and that life's circumstances can only make it that much harder but when you really think about it, it is really about us needing to feel safe enough to let go. Check out the actual music video down below. 

Safe and Sound by Mercy Me

No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody's home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can't control
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I've found
There is nothing that can pull me
from the hand that holds me
I'm safe and sound
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me
Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

The greatest part now I know is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

Mercy Me - Safe And Sound

Great Finds for the Holidays

 Photo by: CHHaHH

I was catching up on my (blog) reading last night when I came across this post from one of my fave bloggers, Marta from Marta Writes. Its basically a shopping list; a stuff your stockings at the grocery store list and after I read it, I immediately felt inspired to come up with my very own list but to change it up, I thought it should be all things found at my very favorite store - Target! Have you spied the "Dollar Spot" lately? It's filled to the brim with inexpensive and fun festive-ness. I also added a few great finds from my fave website, Etsy.

The Dollar Spot:

• 12-Month Calendars
• Adorable Holiday T-shirts for your Favorite Pooch or Cat 
• Hello Kitty Stuff Galore; bags, notepads, sticker sets & more!
• Ridiculously Cute Hot Cocoa Packets by Mary Engelbreit
• Dainty Red and White Boxes of Chocolate
• Mini Body Washes, Lotions, Sprays and Lip Glosses 
• Mini Hard Cover Books - Pinocchio, Dumbo, etc.

General Merchandise for $20 or Less:

• "Elf" movie DVD - $9.99 (one of my fave holiday movies) 
• The Smoky Eye Book by E.L.F - only $5.00
• Burt's Bees Colorful Kisses in Pink Set - $8.99
• Textured Slipper Socks by Xhillaration - $7.99
• The Perfect Brownie Pan Set - $19.99 (You know you want one!) 
• Gaiam Printed Yoga Mat - $19.99 
• Christmas with the Chipmunks book - $9.99 (It's a classic!) 
• The Kitty City Hideaway - $18.59
• How great is this Elf Nail Polish Trio for only $3
• This Shopping Cart is definitely on my list! - $11.49
• Must get this Pastel 27-piece Cookware Set for Marley! - $10.99

Or Shop ETSY!

• Chocolate Turtle Brownie Soy Wax Tarts - $5.25 for a 6-pack
• Snowman with Red & Pink Scarf Return Address Labels - $6 for 20
• Friendship Magnetic Locket Set - $22 (Almost too cute for words!)
• Two Tones Light Purple Flower Ring - $8 (Ever so dainty)
• I must have this Truffle Pedestal Cupcake Stand - $20
• Can't resist this Reindeer Cat Hat! $15

Happy Shopping!
XoXo 

Giving Thanks

Photo by: Mckenzie Oerting

In light of Thanksgiving, I thought I would take a
moment to "give thanks" to God. 

  

Thank you. Thank you for my life.
Thank you for my husband of eleven years.
Thank you for our health, for the roof over our heads and for our stable jobs.

Thank you for believing in me, when I didn't even believe in myself.

Thank you for always listening, really listening.

Thank you for my family - for their love and their strength.
And for Leo's family - for their constant support and encouragement.

Thank you for bringing me true friendships that have brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you for the warmth and the the stability that your love brings me.

Thank you for never giving up on me and for overlooking my many flaws and weaknesses.

Thank you for bringing me so much inspiration and joy through writing, blogging and reading.

And thank you for making so many of my wishes come true!

The Big Idea

Thanks to a very good friend of mine, I have been thinking a great deal about something that I really haven't considered or tried yet. And it may sound a little crazy to some of you but I'd eat only grapefruit for a year, if that's what I need to do to get and carry a pregnancy to full term.

Are you ready? Ready for...the big idea?
I've decided to take a completely holistic approach to my infertility.

Courtesy of: The Holistic Approach by Wendy Tran

I've officially dived in head first by spending the last few hours researching various websites, articles and books. So far, I've found some really great resources. My first find was this really great article, called, "Keep the Doctor Away - A Holistic Approach to Fertility."

This particular statement really resonated with me:

"Holistic fertility offers an entirely different approach, one in which women actively participate making lifestyle changes and using traditional treatments which have been shown to help women become pregnant." "It combines working with traditional approaches from yoga, oriental medicine as well as nutrition and the focus is upon achieving balance within the whole body and mind, to prepare for conception."

The thing that strikes me the most about this statement is the "women actively participating" part because well, up to this point - I haven't really felt in control of this whole situation. I've definitely felt frustrated, angry and even helpless at times but never in control. I've had several doctors over the last decade - many who didn't seem to have a clue about PCOS or infertility. And every step we've taken so far has been out of my need to find answers. Not because a doctor has steered us in the right direction. 

That's probably, for many, the root of the problem. It's easy to sit back and let the doctor's figure it out. But also, isn't that what we are taught? - to follow the doctor's orders? We are really never given the chance to try "alternative methods." And the stress - the stress that is caused by infertility and the treatments associated with them, the miscarriages and the painful side affects to PCOS - the stress has to be a factor, when looking at the big picture. It's easy for a doctor to say "Take it easy" or "Try to avoid stress" but they never give you real tangible answers - like trying yoga and acupuncture, which are both part of the holistic approach.

Please don't misunderstand - I am not saying that doctors are unnecessary. They are. And they will always be necessary. But maybe, just maybe there are instances when alternatives methods should be at least considered. (when it is safe to do so) And I guess, in this stage of the game, what do I or Leo have to lose?

I'm excited. Literally chomping at the bit to learn everything there is to know and ready to put the holistic approach to the test. Thank god, for hope.

The Day After

I stayed home today. I didn't plan it, I just woke up and knew that I wasn't ready. Not ready to smile - genuinely and wholeheartedly. Not ready to answer questions or explain the reasons for my being unusually quiet. I'm just not ready. Not quite yet.

Yesterday I was at peace but today, there is another feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I just feel as though something died in me. I know, I know - could I be more dramatic? But you have to understand - this is BIG. This was our life - as we imagined it. I usually put a positive spin on things - especially here, when I write - not always for your benefit but mostly for mine. Because when I do, it makes me feel as though everything is right in the world.

But just this once, I don't think I can put a positive spin on this particular post. So, if you were looking for a negative, wallowing in self-pity post in my blog - I guess, well - here it is. You've found it. (Please don't bookmark it.)

It's just hard. Really hard not to feel angry and cheated. It's difficult not to question or wonder where I went wrong. Probably because I've always done everything right.

I've always been a rule follower
I've been called a "goody-goody" more times in my life than I can count
I've never done drugs, not even a puff of a single cigarette
I drink moderately, only in social situations
I've always lived my life on the straight and narrow path
I've worked really, really hard for everything I have

And I really, really wanted this....

More than anything else in my life. Besides being a wife,

I wanted to experience being pregnant - to be able to watch my belly grow
I wanted to experience childbirth with Leo by my side - every step of the way
Simply put, I wanted to be able to give Leo a baby

And what breaks my heart the most is knowing that I may never get to see what our kids would have looked like. Would they have had my eyes? And Leo's nose? My complexion or Leo's smile?

Instead, I am left with lots of unanswered questions. And I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I do know what I should do. Pray. Pray for answers. And for comfort and peace of mind. And I will but not today. Today, I am just allowing myself to feel sad. It sort of feels like a death in the family. Only there isn't a funeral or a casket. There are no "Sympathy" cards or "We are sorry for your loss" messages. It's more of an internal loss - for Leo and I - one that is difficult to wrap your mind around or to make any sense of.

I suppose it is just one of those things in life, a curve ball if you will, that is thrown our way - to either teach us a lesson or send us off on a different path. Either way, I know that it is not my place to question his decisions. (although I sort of did, earlier in this post, but I'm sure he understands) I'm just trying to cope with this the best way I can. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Confirmation

It happened. This morning. Confirmation that I am not pregnant. 

There were a few tears, but overall, even as I sit on my bed under the covers, writing this post, I am surprisingly feeling at peace with everything. Despite my disappointment and the bit of sadness in the pit of my stomach, I am in a good place. Right here. Now. In this moment.

Leo is definitely a big reason for my mood. He's amazing - have I mentioned that you to before? I'm sure I have but I'll say it again. He's just an amazing husband. He always knows exactly what to say and he has this unwavering air of peacefulness that surrounds him. He held me and let me say what was on my mind. He reassured and comforted me. He even got me to laugh, joking "At least we still have our crazy cats!" We do have crazy cats - that's true. This morning Quincy woke Leo up at 3:30 by opening and closing the bathroom cabinet door. Leo said he had food in his bowl so he must of just wanted his "partner in crime" to wake up so they could play.    

Anyway, up until Saturday, I was feeling really positive. I even allowed myself to talk about all of the "what if's" on Friday night, at Pomona Valley Mining Company - our eleventh wedding anniversary dinner. We talked about what we would do to the extra bed room to turn it into a nursery - the colors, the textures and the furniture. (I know, we are both crazy) And I had also been thinking about names. If it was a girl, Sophia or Sophie. And it if it had been a boy, Jacob. 

I do know that I need a break to figure out some things, before deciding what our next move is - do we try artificial insemination again or do we move on to adoption? Or do we go on living a life without kids? We could both go back to school in the Spring for practically nothing at La Verne. And we could travel more. Leo and I are blessed in many ways, with many different options.

What I refuse to do is let this circumstance affect our marriage and our happiness anymore.

In the past, I let it seep into every area of my life. I allowed this situation to rule me and my emotions. Giving in to fears and negativity. Feeling like less than a woman, a disappointment and a failure. It's almost as if I was saying to myself, "You are not worthy of happiness." Because let's face it, I am big on "Happy Endings" and most happy endings typically end with a family that includes a couple of kids, a dog and maybe a cat. I suppose it is time to re-think that image in my head.

The "Happy Ending" for us may not include kids. It's not perfect. But that's life. Imperfect. Ever-changing. Full of tough decisions but also full of unexpected joy and fleeting moments of sheer happiness. I am definitely ready though. Ready to let go of the pain and live the life that was intended for us and only us. Ready for our very own happy ending. Whatever that may be.

As always, thank you so much for listening! (reading)
And for your love, encouragement and support!

XoXo,
Malissa