I've been thinking a lot lately about how this dream come true came to be. What did I do right? Was there something I hadn't done before? Had I prayed differently? Maybe it was my Twelve by 2012 project or that I had finally stopped worrying and obsessing over the minutia of infertility? Was it my new perspective on things? Or maybe our dream came true because...well, just because. Sort of like a falling star. No rhyme or reason.
It could of been one single thing but the more likely answer was that it was a combination of several things. I remember how it felt to hear others say, "I have been blessed with four wonderful children" because I would automatically question, "Does that mean that I am not blessed?" As a result, today I prefer to believe that we are all blessed, regardless of whether we have children or not. We are just blessed in different ways.
And truth be told, I still have moments when I feel scared.
Worried I will get too attached and the past will repeat itself.
And I know myself well enough to know that I must vocalize these fears because by suppressing them, they will only become more magnified. For the most part, my faith and confidence is strengthened by the subtle but very evident pregnancy side-affects, such as the constant nausea, my ability to fall asleep at nine pm, like clock-work and the endless trips to the restroom. (I'm definitely not complaining!)
But it's most assuredly the long road to get here that makes it so hard for me to feel completely secure in my pregnancy. At least for now. It makes me feel fragile. Like a glass bowl that has a slight defect that cannot be easily seen. I would do anything to keep this baby - I'd stand on my head or lay flat on my back for the rest of my pregnancy if it meant I could keep this little bean - I'd do anything and everything for him/her because I know all too well that it only takes one phone call, one trip to the doctors office or one ultrasound for everything to change.
Even now though, in my current state of mind, I am still comforted by your friendship. I have been overwhelmed by a blanket of warmth and support to help me get here. My faith in God, first and foremost. And my husband has definitely earned his wings twice over by being my rock through thick and thin but I also believe that being able to connect with all of you has given me more strength and confidence that anything else thus far.
Through your own stories, your insights and encouragement, I was finally able to feel validated, understood and (almost) completely sane. And this has been by far the best place for me to process my thoughts, feelings and experiences. To work through the bad stuff and learn the necessary lessons so that I could finally let go and focus on the good. And in all honestly, even today, it's still feels very strange and foreign to be here....right here where I have wanted to be for so many years....especially when so many of you (my soul cysters) are still TTC.
The last couple of days, I had been catching up on my (blog) reading and through visiting some of your sites, I found myself feeling sad - my heart aches for you as I read your feelings of pain, frustration and fear. And my first instinct is to offer my insight but also share in your pain and help you feel comforted. But now that things are different, I worry, "Do you still want to hear from me?" Even though, I feel as though I know exactly what you are feeling, are my insights still relevant? I would never want to cause you any unnecessary pain. I truly just want to be there fore you, just like you have been there for me.
Through writing this post, it's hard not to see the answer to my earlier stated question. It's clear as daylight to me now: I am here, right here where I had hoped to be because of all of you. Because of your love, your support, your encouragement and your prayers. It was through you that I was able to let go (a little) and prepare myself for whatever God had in store for us.
Together, we can get through anything. Conquer any fear. Overcome any obstacle. And even when the end result isn't what we hope for, we still have each other. To vent and cry with but also to process our feelings, make some sort of sense of them and work through them, together. Because we all need and deserve to feel whole, despite our own circumstances.
I'm praying for you and here for you, always.
"Friendships make prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it."
Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC)
Enjoy the Day!
Missy
