Stepping Stones

How to grieve losing a baby that you never got to hold.

For me, losing two in utero initially felt like I had been punished. My body hadn't done it's job. It was easy to blame myself because who else could I blame? Simply put, I was the one who was supposed to take the egg and make it into a baby. It's only been in the last year that I have finally come to realize that it was really God saying that he had other plans for me and for my little babies. It's still hard to deal with at times but overall, I get it now and I feel completely able to help others through the grieving process. In fact, there is nothing I want more than to help other women follow the stepping stones through their own grief.  

My loss has truly opened my eyes to what is really important in life and I am humbled by the countless blessings I've been given. True friendships were solidified. And the door opened up for me to sit down and write via a blog - my very own place to share, sort out, learn, grow and to be consistently inspired. It has also been a great place for me to connect with other women who are dealing with P.C.O.S and loss. We carry each other at different times but we are always in it together - no matter what. In short, I have been very lucky to have the kind of encouragement and support I have been given and I want to pay it forward somehow.

Many have asked me questions related to how they can best help a loved one dealing with grief. It's difficult to sometimes know just what to say. Over the years I have heard many heartfelt words that have helped me through and also some that have unintentionally angered or hurt me. Today, I wholeheartedly believe that the best thing anyone could say to someone who has lost a baby or any loved one for that matter is, "I am so very sorry for your loss." That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And instead of saying, "I am here for you if you need anything," figure out what is in your heart to do and like a Nike ad, "Just Do It."

• Drop off a homemade casserole or some yummy baked goods
• Offer them your hand and/or a great big hug
• Encourage them to talk about their grief 
• Gift them a journal or to start a blog
• Encourage them to read blogs written by women who are experiencing the same kind of grief

I also believe that remembering our angel babies in a outward way is a crucial stepping stone in moving past the pain. I've done some research and would like to share the links of some pretty amazing websites that offer several different ways to remember them in a special way. There will probably always be some sadness but when we remember them outwardly by lighting a special candle or placing an angelic statue in our garden or even wearing a symbolic necklace, we will be able to think about their existence in our lives, no matter how short lived and we open up our hearts to feel blessed.

Blessed by their angelic spirits and by their love that shines down on us every single day. 

International Star Registry
Arbor Day Foundation
The Comfort Company
Planet Gift Bakets
Inspired Art Prints
Patricia Ann Jewelry Designs
Molly Bears
My Forever Child
La Belle Dame
Still Life 365
Christian's Beach

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Homemade Bliss

Homemade Bliss.

That would be my short and sweet description for all of the beautiful handmade blankets Jacob received: Crocheted blankets, tie fleece blankets, blankets embroidered with his name and even an antique fire truck quilt.

One particular blanket is extra special to me because it was made from material that my Mom had been holding on to since my little brother, Mario was a baby. When I read the card, just before opening the box carrying a beautiful Winnie the Pooh blanket, my heart filled up with love knowing just how special this blanket was to her and now to me and one day it will be very special to Jacob, too.  

Blankets hand-made by the people you love - I really don't think there is anything better. Every time I wrap Jacob in one of these blankets, I smile and my heart warms a little knowing that love went into every stitch and into every tie.

Because they are so special, I make it a point to use a different blanket every month and when I photograph Jacob, I always use one in the background and not just to commemorate the blanket for me but also for Jacob and who knows, maybe one day he will wrap his own baby boy or girl in the very same same blankets with a smile and a warmed heart.
 

One Month Old

Two Months Old

Three Months Old

A Place To Be Remembered

Shasta-Trinity National Forest

I had to share this. This morning while checking my dashboard, I came across a post from one of my blogger friends: Miss C. The title is "The Angel List" and in it she explains that a tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest and below that she lists the names of babies either born preterm, still or by miscarriage. All in all, there will be 40 trees planted in honor of her own twins, Michael and Alena who they lost this past October.

As I scrolled down, I read the names of our two babies:

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

For a few seconds I couldn't catch my breath.

Tears started to fall down my face as I tried to wrap my head around what had just been given to us and to our babies - a physical place where they can be remembered forever - what an amazing gift. It is astounding to me that through her own pain, she has taken it upon herself to help others find peace by finding a place to memorialize their babies lost too soon. And even more amazing about all of this is that Miss C and I have never met face to face. We've never shared a cup of coffee or split a lunch bill. We've never talked on the phone or texted back and forth. We've only emailed and shared comments on each others blogs.

She lives in Washington and I in California so we will probably never get the chance to meet but we will always have a special bond and to all of the other bloggers out there who share our story. We are kindred spirits bound by a painful and life-changing circumstance. 

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

Thank you Miss C for giving our girls a tangible place to always be remembered - I feel so incredibly blessed by your friendship and love. 

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Nameless No More

Confession #1: Until last week I couldn't remember the date when I miscarried the first of my two babies. I remembered when I lost the second one because it was on New Year's Eve in 2006. I also hadn't remembered that I had lost them both in 2006.

Because they happened so early in my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to outwardly grieve their loss but the fact of the matter is that had everything gone perfectly, Leo and I would be raising three children instead of one. It wasn't until a blogger friend of mine shared her story that I started to really deal with this reality. I've thought about my angels countless times over the years but I never even whispered a word about their presence in my dreams - not even to Leo.

Confession #2 - in my dreams they are always girls and eventually to help me cope with their loss, I named them but again I never mentioned a word of it, not even to Leo. I guess I was worried that they would think I was crazy or that I was putting too much thought into it. But I needed so badly for them not to be nameless, much less forgotten. They existed even if it was for just a few weeks in my belly and they had the potential to be such beautiful little baby girls. To be able to write about them now, especially here makes me feel so much better because it solidifies their presence in my life.

And so this post is dedicated to my two angels - you were part of me for a very short time but you will forever reside in my heart. I love you both very much and look forward to meeting you one day up in heaven:

Sara Elizabeth - passed on 06/26/06
Olivia Michelle - passed on 12/31/06

For years, I have wanted to purchase jewelry in remembrance of them - I finally did it last week and I am so glad I did. The first is a necklace that I ordered from La Belle Dame and the other is a heart charm that I can attach to my bangle bracelet that says, "Mommy of Angels" on the front and on the back, the dates when we lost them will be engraved. I ordered it from My Forever Child.

Women don't often talk about their experiences with miscarriage and I completely get why - it's depressing no matter how you choose to bring it up. But for someone who has had one or more, it feels good to talk about it because it can be so very isolating when you don't. We need to work through the pain and the loss felt not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.

As always, thank you for allowing me to "come clean." To say that I feel better is a huge understatement. The sadness will always be there but the happiness that comes from talking about them completely washes it away, even for just a little while.

P.S. I have since opened up to Leo about all of this and I'm so glad I did because he also had been wanting to talk about it for some time now. 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

My 2012 New Year's Resolution

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Hello all - it's that time of year again when we sit down and write down all of the things we would like to accomplish in the coming year and for some reason, I have already hit the ground running. Something about having Jake in my life makes me want to be a better person. This year I took an idea from a fellow blogger (who I just adore) and created categories for this year's goals, which are as follows: 

Health:
1. Limit fast food meals to 3 total per week
2. Lose 10-15 pounds (or at the very least maintain my current weight)
3. Plan healthier home-cooked meals at least 4 days a week

Jake
1. Create a more consistent bedtime routine
2. Break the habit of Jake sleeping in our bed by 6 months old

Home:
1. Finally decorate our bedroom
2. Create a picture wall in our stairway
3. Organize Jake's closet by adding shelving and double rods
4. Hang shelves and other items on Jake's walls
5. Create a guest bedroom

Blogging, Journaling & Scrapbooking
1. Blog a minimum of every other day
2. Scrapbook #1: Baby showers
3. Scrapbook #2: Jake's first year
4. Start journaling daily thoughts & record Jake's milestones
5. Figure out the cheapest way to print photos taken for past 5 years, then get to printing! 

Other
1. Organize rummage/bake sale to raise money for Autism Speaks
2. Have a quilt made from my favorite Jake outfits  
3. Purchase some sort of jewelry in remembrance of my two angels 01/06/12

As you can see, I'm going to be a very busy girl in 2012 but something tells me that the things that the one thing that is bound to fall by the wayside is the scrapbooking because when faced with either playing with Jake and scrapbooking, playing with him will always win. One idea I have is to utilize my lunch hour during the work week, even if I just dedicate 1-2 days per week - it's better than nothing, I figure.

So...enough about me - what's on your new year's resolution?

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Lesson #1: Never Say Never

Image Credit

This by far is one of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past few weeks. That and I can only be the best Mom I can be and comparisons will only drive you nuts. For years I claimed I would never let my baby sleep in our bed. Boy was I mistaken. This stead fast rule diminished within only a few days, mostly due to my lack of sleep. The fact is, he just sleeps better and longer with us. And also because who could resist snuggling up to him? I obviously can't.  

I have been feeling really guilty about it, thinking I was only doing it for selfish reasons but then I found this great article on the subject written by Dr. Sears. In it he explains his own personal experience with co-sleeping, which he calls sleep-sharing. It is a very interesting article and it really made me feel better about our inadvertent choice to co-sleep with Jacob. It really has been a great bonding experience for the three of us but I have decided to make it a goal of mine to break this habit before he turns 6 months old and not just for our benefit but for his benefit as well.     

I have however been really good about putting him down for naps during the day so he can sleep soundly for up to four hours in his play crib. And he's pretty good at entertaining himself when I need to take a shower or do a few things around the house. Recently, I've started reading to him and he loves it when I talk to him - I purposely ask him questions and include pauses for him to add to the conversation. And physically he is changing literally every day, which is so amazing to me. At his last doctor's appointment he weighed in at a healthy13 pounds and measured at 23 inches long. (he currently wears size 3 months)

I (finally) started taking video of him last week - in it I talk about his current likes and dislikes and more importantly, any milestones he has reached such as his very first laugh (this magical moment happened two weeks ago = best moment to date) Currently, he loves watching the ceiling fan spin and there is a little black and white safety symbol imprinted on his car seat that he always seems so interested in. He has also discovered his feet - he loves watching them move and he kicks like crazy when he gets excited. To capture the physical changes in him from month to month and since we received so many beautiful blankets, I started taking a photo of him laying on a different blanket once a month. I hope to keep this up through his first birthday.

The biggest change for us to date has been that I returned to work on January 3rd and Leo is now home with him for the next 7 weeks. It was hard but surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be. The big "to do" on my list right now is to find the best darn place for him I can find. Day Care Centers so far are out of the question. The first place I called quoted me $299 per week, which I still cannot wrap my head around. $1200 a month - that's a house payment. Yikes!

So the search continues. I do have a couple of front runners right now for in-home day care, which makes me feel a little better but I want to make sure I exhaust every possible option before we make a final decision - I will be sure to keep you all posted. I guess that pretty much catches you up to what I have been up to for the last month and a half.

The lessons certainly keep coming and my tolerance with sleep deprivation has seemed to improve a bit but overall, I am feeling really good and I am definitely the happiest I have ever been. I also managed to lose 35 pounds with very little effort on my part since October - I owe it all to Jacob because he is such a active baby. When I mentioned this to a friend recently, she smiled and said..."Of course, he is just like his Mommy."

(Big Smile) 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Hold On To Hope

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Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I given up. That's quite an opening statement, I know but this basic question has been on my mind for days now and I'm not even sure why. Things on the new-mom front are going overall really well. Jacob and I have sort of eased into a easy-going schedule and I couldn't feel more happy and fulfilled. 

Today, at 7 weeks old he is a pretty active baby - he loves more than anything to be bounced on my lap.
I know that sounds a bit crazy for his age but true. He's smiling and coo-ing a lot more now and he is so much more aware of his surroundings. I still watch him in awe when he's not looking, wondering what he's thinking about at that very moment.

The other day I noticed that his legs are too long for him to lay on my lap facing me and  he's already getting too big to take baths in the kitchen sink - when did this happen? He's growing so fast and yet, I still wonder - what if I had given up?

I wouldn't have his hands to hold or his feet to tickle. I wouldn't be able to smell the top of his head or watch him smile when I say aaa-booo! I wouldn't be able to witness all of the milestones that have already happened or the ones just in sight. Jacob is growing every day and every day I am reminded that dreams do come true - you just have to hold on to hope.

I know - easier said than done. I waited a long time for Jacob so I know that it can be a difficult, stressful and painful road but through the waiting, the hoping and the praying, I was able to figure out who I really was and what I was willing to go through to make my dream a reality and in the end, it was all worth it. Every doctors visit and medical test, every injection and blood draw, every hour spent researching and investigating and every last ovulation and pregnancy test. (and there were probably hundreds)   

  

Hope is a funny thing - sometimes it seems elusive but then when the one thing you always wanted happens, it instantly becomes tangible and you wonder why you doubted hope all along.

Enjoy the Day! 

Missy