A New Mom (still)

A New Mom.

That would definitely be the title that best describes me. Even after a full year, I feel as though I'm crawling on the floor, in the dark with blinders on. Jacob has yet another cold, and he had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

The good news is, he weighs 25 pounds and he is 32 inches tall, but unfortunately, he has been experiencing some constipation problems. I'll spare you the yucky details but my recent membership into motherhood has definitely been tested for the past few days. In addition, the doctor recommended ear drops because apparently, there is a build up of wax in his left ear. He explained how to use the medication step-by-step so initially, it sounded easy-peezy.

Boy, was I wrong.

First, I read the instructions on the bottle, which recommended that you administer five drops into the ear canal. Then either keep the child on their side or to insert a cotton ball into the ear, so as to prevent the much-needed medicine from exiting the canal. Unfortunately, I didn't have cotton balls so I cleverly opted for a small piece of toilet paper. But then when I actually went to administer the drops, much to my dismay Jacob quickly began to squirm and it felt as though I had to squeeze the tiny bottle with all my might to get even one single drop.  

Finally, after five long minutes of him crying and squirming, I felt confident that I had released the five drops into his ear canal so I strategically placed the bunched up piece of toilet paper, and prayed that the medicine would still be able to work its magic. Then I placed him in the tub and waited for the recommended length of time before removing the toilet paper. While I waited, I bathed him as best I could, given he was still crying and visibly tired. But when I finally removed the toilet paper, I didn't see anything that resembled ear wax. In fact, I didn't see anything at all. The outer ear was completely clear - Crap!

By this point, I knew he wouldn't endure another round of this so I opted to finish his bath to prevent a complete breakdown. Plus, to be honest I was spent. Immediately, though I started to think about what other scenarios might work better - Maybe I could try while he is drinking a bottle? I made a mental note and continued to dry him off, so I could finish his bedtime routine.

I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I know, I know - it's not a big deal, but when I am in the moment, its difficult for me to look at the big picture - instead I think things like, this was supposed to be easy - how did I manage to get it all wrong? I recognize that nobody is perfect and that I am definitely not the exception, but in the moment when things are going wrong - even things as trivial as removing ear wax, I tend to lose sight of that.

Needless to say, we both went to bed early last night, which was good, because it better prepared me for more fussiness this morning, more than likely due to his nagging cold. But I suppose that is what being a Mom is all about. Taking the good with the bad. Every day won't be full of smiles. That and recognizing that I'm not always going to have all the answers and I have a whole heck of a lot more to learn about being a Mom. No question there.

In essence, I need to put my "big girl pants on" and remind myself that I am bound to make mistakes, overreact, and even lose my patience. (although, I hope and pray it doesn't happen often) But despite my  mistakes, I know that I am a good Mom. Goofy, sometimes yes. Funny, always.

There were a few sweet moments yesterday between fussiness and tears. Like, an unexpected first kiss upon request while sharing an apple. I jokingly said that I would give him another piece of apple if he gave me a kiss and I was completely caught by surprise, when he happily obliged. Twice. It was most definitely the silver lining to our cloudy day. And I must say, it was well worth it.

As always, thanks for listening.
Enjoy the Day!

Missy

He's One

Yesterday Jacob turned one. Somebody pinch me - I am the mother of a happy, healthy one-year old. And he's perfect, in every way.

He's not quite walking yet - crawling is his preferance. His favorite past time is to open and close doors, drawers and cabinets. He also likes to take all of the q-tips out of the box, then carefully, one-by-one, put them back. (Usually - sometimes, they are left sprawled all over our bedroom floor)

As far as the types of food he fancies, he loves most of what we have tried giving him. Probably the only things he refuses to eat are peas, but I really can't blame him - I am not a big fan either.

Overall, he is a typical baby - he only cries when he is overly tired or hungry. Otherwise, he is sure to have a grin from ear to ear, showing off his two itty-bitty teeth on bottom, which I just can't get enough of!

And he's definitely spunky, which is just a nice way to say that he is stubborn. It's kind of funny, actually. But not to worry, I have mastered the art form of keeping my expressions hidden from him, as to not confuse the situation.

When I am putting him to bed at night, he loves to hold on to his bottle - it's really very sweet. So, I guess at the moment his bottle is his lovee.

He also loves to babble on and on, which leads me to believe that like his mommy, he is going to be a talker. I have noticed lately that he enjoys matching the tone in my sentence. For example, if I am asking him a question, he will respond with the very same tone, as if he is asking me a question in return.

Now that he is officially one and we have had twelve months worth of memories with him, I just can't imagine our lives with him not in it. Before I got pregnant with him, I always felt as though something was missing. There was a void and I did everything I could to fill it. And I didn't feel whole.

But in my heart, I always knew that I was destined to be a Mom. And now that I am, that hole has been completely filled. In fact, it's brimming with an overwhelming feeling of love, pride and pure joy. When I think about the nine years I had to wait to have him, there is no doubt in mind that I would do it all over again.

If there was ever a song that describes my feelings for him, it would be this one...



Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

The Transition

Leo and I had a heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago about Jacob and our "co-sleeping" situation and we both agreed that it was time for us to transition him into his crib. {gulp}

One of several reasons, Jacob is a crazy sleeper - he moves constantly throughout the night and he ends up in the strangest positions. On some mornings, we'd find him sleeping lengthwise between the both of us. He also kicks. As a result, I wasn't getting much sleep because I am and have always been a light sleeper. It was also pretty evident to both of us that he wasn't getting the sleep he needed either. And to be quite honest, I sensed that he needed his own space to stretch out in.

So we settled on a Friday to try it out - last Friday to be exact. I followed our normal bedtime routine, which is: bath, book, then bottle. Typically, I give him his bottle in our room, me sitting up in bed, him on my lap, rocking him from side to side. (Next on the list of things to eliminate) Instead, I opted for the rocking chair in his room. He was asleep within just a few minutes - a little after 8pm.

I carefully set him down on his side, binky in his mouth (The third item on my list) and turned on the monitor and a noise machine that makes heartbeat noises and then I quietly left the room. I immediately turned on the monitor screen in our room to wait and watch to see if there was any stirring caused by my opening and closing his door, but there was no movement.

Not even a peep.

I must have stared at the monitor every few minutes for a full hour. I kept trying not to think about the things that inevitably would find their way back into my thoughts, like what if he wakes up and I don't hear him?, or what if his leg gets caught?, or the the room is too hot or cold - I finally turned on a relaxing spa-like CD. (my go-to on sleepless nights) And then magically, I fell asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I immediately rolled over to check on him but all I could see was an empty crib. Of course, I jumped up and headed for his room but as soon as I opened our bedroom door, Leo called out from downstairs to tell me that he had just checked on him - apparently, Jacob had found the only corner in his crib that the camera couldn't capture. But guess what? He didn't wake up until 7am on that fine Saturday morning and when I went in to get him, he was all smiles.

Today marks day six days since we started the transition and overall, it's still gone really well. And I have to say, it has been SO nice to have my evenings back. I now have time to wash my face and brush my teeth in a normal person pace, I can lay on the couch and watch a recorded television sitcom. (I watch very little television these days...I suppose that's a good thing) I'm able to pick up a little around the house and I've even started packing our lunches for the following work day.

This whole process has also shown me that changes like this one can sometimes be harder on us as parents, than they are for the child. In this instance, the first two nights, for me, were by far the hardest. I missed him being in our bed - the closeness we shared and knowing that he was safe because he was right there with us. But you know what? I don't regret our decision to co-sleep with Jacob until now. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think the key is to do what feels right for you and your child, without any guilt. I am positive that I could find several articles promoting both sides of the co-sleeping/non-co-sleeping argument but let's face it, nothing is cut and dry when it comes to raising a human being. And what works for one child, may not work for another.

With this big transition under my belt, I am definitely feeling more confident as a Mom and it makes me feel as though I will definitely be able to tackle the other items needing to be eliminated (eventually), like the rocking, the bottle and yes, even the binky. {gasp!}

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A New Season

I did it. I did something brave.

I took a step back and I am trying on a new hat, so to speak.

And I didn't do it for myself or for Leo. This life changing decision was solely based on Jacob because he is without a doubt, my driving force these days.

I changed jobs.

I am no longer the Manager of Alumni Relations. As of last Monday, I am the new Biographical Data Specialist, which is really just a fancy title for someone who manages data. I know, it's a very different hat - if anyone can see and feel a difference, it's me but so far I'm managing the transition quite well.

I know some of you may be wondering why I'd make such a change, especially since I was in a job that I really thoroughly enjoyed. All I can say is, I'm following my heart.

When I returned from maternity leave in January, I was determined to make it work. I strategized and organized and I was very lucky to find an amazing day care provider less than five miles from campus and for the first few weeks and even into March, I really thought I'd figured it all out but little by little, things started to fall by the wayside.

It wasn't long after when the guilt began to creep in. I'd come home late and Jacob would be sound asleep. I'd see him for a couple hours in the morning before going into work but I was also gone a lot during the weekends and it never seemed like there were enough hours in the day.

These were all new feelings for me and I didn't predict them to happen to me because like I said, I was determined to make it work. I've always been a "go-getter," "go big or go home" kind of a girl but in the grand scheme of things, when I really thought about where I wanted to be first and foremost, it was at home with Jacob.

This new job is a blessing because it affords me just that. It gives me the opportunity to put in a good day's work in a department that is filled with people who know me well and who have supported me and encouraged me every step of the way.

It's funny - recently, I took a survey that would identify my top five strengths and initially, I was really surprised to find out that "Achiever" wasn't one of them. But after thinking about it, I realized that it makes perfect sense because climbing the ladder has never really been my goal - rather I've always been drawn to anything that involves me and others feeling connected.

Whether it's an event, a party, a fundraiser, a conversation and maybe yes - even a data project. Talking things out and learning from others - strategizing, creating and executing a plan of action and then seeing the final product. All of these things make me feel accomplished. fulfilled. successful.

I suppose If I'm being honest, I do think about the people I may be disappointing at times because I am one who genuinely cares about how I'm perceived. But I guess I my hope is that in this new role, I will be able to showcase some new talents. Many of which I may not even be aware of.

In the meantime, I am just feeling really blessed that I have this amazing opportuity - a new beginning and new season to really enjoy being a Mom. Thank you, God. I'd also like to thank all of you, my blogging community for sticking by me, even through my long absences. I have definitely missed you!

Enjoy the evening!
Missy

Party of Three

I'm excited.

For the first time in years I am SO very excited about Summer. I know this is going to sound strange but I've never really looked forward to it, unless there was a trip planned or a special event to attend. Mainly because Summer to me has always meant lots of opportunities to spend time with your kids so for years I've participated in things but always with the angst of not having any kids of our own. 

The barbeques - playing outside - going to the park - running through the sprinklers - eating watermelon without a care in the world - bonfires at the beach - day trips to the zoo, the museum, a festival or the fair. Granted, Jacob isn't nearly old enough for most of these places and experiences but I don't care. Just the fact that we will have him there to hold, watch and observe the going's on this Summer - together - that is more than enough for me.

And for the future, my head is literally spinning from all of the things I want him to experience, see, feel and touch. My Pinterest board that is almost too obviously titled, "Our Family Bucket List" is literally busting with ideas of places, day trips, activities and games to enjoy as a family. Eventually, some day I know he will begin to get tired of "family time" and opt to hang out with his friends, but until then let's just say I'm planning on taking full advantage of the time Leo and I have with him now.

Kaboose Summer Fun Guide
Summer 2012 - Kid's Summer Ideas
Things to Do with Kids in Southern California
Things to Do in Southern California for Kids
Day Trippen
15 Places Your Kids Should See Before15
75 Things to Do with Kids
60 Summer Activities
100 Free Things to Do with Your Kids This Summer
DIY Outdoor Movie Night
500 Places to Take Your Kids Before They Grow Up

I am seriously giddy.

We are a party of three and our memory making years are starting now. (heart swelling)

Enjoy the day!

Missy

Pardon Me

Pardon me - it's just me, the author of this blog. So sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. My life you see has become much bigger than just My Life & Everything in Between. The more accurate title would now be My Life with Leo, Jacob and a Full-Time Job...and Everything in Between.

Not that I'm complaining - I wouldn't trade my current life for a million dollars, no thank you. It's just that life today is SO very different than I could have ever imagined. I live, sleep, breathe and eat being Jacob's Mom and I've learned a great deal over the past 8 months. That's right, Jacob is a little over 8 months old now. I still can't believe it myself - even typing it out doesn't seem to make it any more believable.

The biggest lesson for me by far has been realizing that it's easy to be the very best Mom when everything is going right but when things are going wrong - now that's a whole other story. For instance, when Jacob gets sick, I can sometimes "freak out." Granted, for the most part, they are internal "freak outs" but even still, I know I need to be more cool, calm and collected. Let's just say that this not-so-little task has definitely been added to my list of things to work on. Just don't ask me about it when things are going wrong :)

There have been other things, too that I've learned:

1. You can only be the best Mom YOU can be 
2. Having several spare outfits is very, very important
3. You can NEVER have too many wipes in the diaper bag
4. When in doubt, follow your heart
5. Expect to make mistakes
6. There will be lots of tears and I'm not referring to the baby
7. Sleeping is a luxury, not a necessity 
8. Feeling guilt when you are a working Mom is a given - focus on the positives
9. The best daycare provider doesn't have to be the most expensive
10. They LOVE nothing more than to laugh and play - forget the expensive toys

Thank you for keeping me on your reading list - I promise I will do my best to post more.What would I do without you, I'm not quite sure. I am constantly thinking of those of you who are TTC and those of you who are carrying - I am praying for a healthy, easy and safe pregnancy.

Miracles happen every day!
Jacob is definitely proof of that! 

Missy