Visiting, Shopping and Eating.

I've been in Utah visiting my Mom and Step Dad since Saturday. The flight was easy - no long lines or crowds shuffling through the corridors of Ontario airport. I stopped in my calm haste to pick up some reading material for my flight and headed to my gate, sat down in a quiet spot and settled in to read a couple of pages before were called to board the plane.

This was my first time flying Southwest so I had no idea when I boarded where to sit and wondered why they took my ticket at the gate - I felt a tinge of panic in my chest before a flight attendent told the girl in front of me that we could sit wherever we wanted. What? I'd never heard those words before on any other flight. It felt kind of strange but it wasn't long before I found a aisle seat near the back of the plane.

Then I sat back and read some more...SO nice!

So far my visit has mostly consisted of sleeping in until 8:30 am, eating breakfast with Mom and Chuck and then hitting the After Christmas sales. We have hit not just one Target but two plus Walmart, Bath and Body Works and Kohl's. I've definitely learned on this trip that together, we are dangerous. Lethal even, zero-ing in on the must-have's and the too-cheap-to-pass-up's. We always gravitate to the Christmas section in the back corner of the store in search of pretty ornaments, dirt cheap gift labels and party wares for next year.

Gift labels for next year for .65 each!

A mix to make some fish shaped treats for Quincy and Sunny

At Kohl's we bought warm clothing to get us through the rest of the wintery season. I managed to pick-up two great sweaters (I love the styles out this season) that normally retail for $40 for $13 and I also found some beautiful blingy picture frames that will adorn our mantle next holiday season that were 60% off.

And at Bath and Body Works I snagged some Twilight inspired body wash and lotion called Twilight Woods that has a woodsy yet sweet smell to it, my favorite CO. Bigelow mint lip gloss in Barely There tint and some chocolate peppermint fragrance refills for my wallflowers. The full size body wash and the 2-pack of refills were $5 and the mini lotion was only $3.

Today we went to see "Little Fockers" - it was funny. Predictably funny but still funny and then we enjoyed lunch at Chili's complete with a pomegranite margarita for me and for Mom - a neon green concoction that was a spin-off from your typical long island iced tea. Tomorrow the plan is to stay inside and bake as a storm comes in to bring in more snow. Should be fun and relaxing. It's been a great trip so far - chatting and relaxing, shopping and eating far too much. I guess now my only worry is how I'm going to get everything home!  

P.S. If you like "Chick-Lit" I highly recommend the book above!

I hope all of you are enjoying what is left of this beautiful holiday season

XOXO,
Malissa

Today

Photo by CaptPiper

Today, I received some bad news about a friend's husband's failing health and it really got me thinking. I kept thinking about everything she must be going through. Oh, how I wish I could make all of this go away for her. I can't even fathom. It definitely puts things into perspective and it makes my situation seem tiny in comparison. The pain and grief I've been dealing with is very different but in so many ways, I know it could never, ever compare.

I've got to stop letting this situation overwhelm me and start focusing on the here, the now and most especially, the future. Stop focusing on what I can't control and instead, focus on the things I can control. And most importantly, appreciate what I do have, instead of what I don't have. Because when I do focus on the good things...no matter how big or small...I feel overwhelmingly grateful.

Grateful to be alive, grateful to be in love and to be loved 
Grateful for moments of clarity like this one
And grateful to all of you - for your love, friendship and support 

Grateful for warm clothing, shoes to cover my feet and for my little leopard umbrella for keeping me dry these past couple of rainy days. I'm grateful for the unlimited opportunities to spend time with my loved ones - keeping in mind that I am the only one who can turn each opportunity into a reality.

Grateful for quiet stolen moments spent listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops on our bedroom window and grateful for the cup of hot cocoa enjoyed standing inside the Carnation Cafe in Disneyland at the end of our rainy day adventure on Monday. (And what an adventure it was!)

Grateful for new experiences, for self-discovery and for the people in my life who remind me to think and dream BIG. Grateful for everything I have, everything I'm able to give and everything I'm able to do whether its running upstairs, skipping across the shopping center parking lot, singing in the car or dancing in the privacy of my bedroom.

It's hard to believe that only just a few days ago I felt crippled by my frustration and grief but today is a new day. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish I could wave a magic wand so that everything could go back to normal for my friend and her family. I guess this is just a reminder of just how fragile our lives really are. Life is a gift that's never promised. For me. For today - I'm unbelievably grateful.

For my friend and her family, I'm hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle!     

My Way

I've been feeling a bit off lately. It's probably a combination of my never-can-tell hormones and the looming questions in my head about whether we should continue trying to have a baby. (I know...I'm there...again)

I've been over this a million times.  
 
The realization hit me recently that if we did get pregnant next year and I'm able to carry the baby to full term when he/she turns 20, I would be 58 years old and Leo 60. And if our son or daughter has a child at let's say 20 years old, I would be (gulp!) 78 and Leo 80. I don't like these numbers. I don't like them one bit. They make it difficult not to feel as though our "window of opportunity" has passed us by and it feels as though it happened in a blink of an eye.

Well intentioned family and friends are always telling me that I need to keep fighting, to stay positive and just do everything the doctor tells me to do. Or my favorite, "As soon as you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen." (If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that one!) Instead of a hefty helping of positivity and advice, I just wish they would say, "I am so sorry that this is happening to you" or, "How are you coping with all of this?" so that maybe I could talk all it out with someone other than myself. Because...

I hate feeling like I'm giving up
I'm battling myself even now, as I type
More than anything, I want to feel whole again
And I feel the need to protect myself from more loss and disappointment. 

I wish they knew (without actually having to go through this) just how difficult it is to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have no control over the outcome. Especially when the outcome means more possible loss. I'm feeling physically and emotionally tired of wishing and waiting, hoping and praying. And I'm especially exhausted from being on this crazy roller coaster of emotions where one moment I'm feeling as though I could fight this fight for another 10 years and other days, like this one, where I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat.

And it's easy to feel broken

Every day I have to FIGHT to stay positive. I have to CHOOSE to live my life instead of wallow in my grief. If my plan is working, I'm making it look easy. Some days it IS very easy to stay positive and to live my life the best way I know how but other days, I find myself hiding behind a smile or avoiding a conversation in fear that I may "lose it" or worse, risk making someone feel uncomfortable. But that's what I have to do for my sanity because the alternative scares me even more.

Depression

Depression is a word I don't like to think about or consider. I avoid it at all cost. I refuse to let it win or take over, even for a short while. There are many aspects, about this situation, that I have no control over so I most definitely try to control every other part of my life. It makes me feel, better and well, in control. So, even now with the lingering questions still swimming around in my head, I am already secretly allowing myself to control other things that may not make any sense at all.

Like, what I will eat for breakfast in the morning and how the kitchen table will be set for New Year's Eve. It's all trivial, I know but it's my way. As crazy as that may sound.

It's just my way

100 Joys: Catching Up To Joy

I have to be honest. I was getting worried that I wouldn't be able to find and document 100 Joys by December 31st. Mainly, because I've missed several days. So I decided to make a simple list in hopes to catch up a little. I must say, this project (100 Joys by Sarah Markley) has really opened my eyes to things I probably wouldn't have noticed. Things that make me smile and sometimes chuckle. Things that make me feel grateful and blessed all at the same time. 

#15: Joy-ful Music 
I love, love, love musicals and I've had the pleasure of seeing a handful over the years with Leo. And every time, I always walk out of the theater with a great big smile on my face. Confession: Before going to see a musical, I will buy the soundtrack and play it in the car over and over until I've learned all of the songs. I know, I'm a nerd.       

#16: Joy-ful Homecoming
My older brother and his wife returned home two weeks ago after serving almost a year in Iraq - safe and sound. I got to talk to him over the phone and he was naturally so happy to be home with the boys and just in time for Christmas. During our conversation, I kept thinking, "Thank you God, for bringing them home safely." And I found myself smiling from ear to ear.
 
#17 through 21: Joy-ful Tasks
 This time of year I get to do lots of the things that I enjoy doing. Like baking all day while listening to Christmas songs, sending "love notes" to our family and friends, shopping for the "perfect" gift for loved ones on my list, drinking hot cocoa and watching nostalgic Christmas movies.

#22: Joy-ful Parties
Tis' the season to mix, mingle and celebrate. I've had the pleasure to "break bread" with several groups this past week and a half. From Colleagues, Co-workers and good friends - I've had a blast chatting, sipping, laughing and capturing each moment along the way.

#23: Joy-ful Expression: 
I stopped at the grocery store for a couple things a few days ago and all of the lanes were open but long lines formed at every turn so I picked one and stood in line, tired and impatient.  There was a young Mother and her daughter sitting in the grocery cart, facing me. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and she just kept looking up at me with this great big grin on her face. Immediately, I felt better. happier. The impatience seemed to just melt away. She was so adorable. And obviously filled with simple and pure joy.

#24: Joy-ful Sound
I love the sound of my cats, Sunny and Quincy purring. If you haven't heard a cat purr, you must visit a friend who has cats to hear it four yourself. It's a naturally soothing and comforting sound. 

#25: Joy-ful Exit

Every Christmas season I proudly hang every card we receive on the door in my kitchen that leads to the garage. It's the perfect spot because when I'm cooking I can glance over and admire all of them. Cards with glitter and cards that carry a musical tune. Cards that are uniquely shaped and my favorite - cards made from family photos, complete with critters in adorable holiday get-ups.  

Day 4: 100 Joys

It's hard to believe Christmas is next weekend. The stocking are hung on our fireplace, the tree is lit with all it's glory and yes, the presents are already under the tree. (come on, are you really that surprised?) Work is winding down, which is nice this time of year. Sort of a short but very sweet reprieve. This past weekend, I experienced more joy, much of which was unexpected.

#10: Joy-ful Surprises

Like a last-minute invitation to dinner at Claim Jumper and a Duck's game with Leo's sisters. Well, technically it wasn't last minute - I just completely forgot the initial conversation. (I most certainly blame old age) At dinner, we talked, sipped on fruity cocktails and got lost in our cheesy potato soup. Yum! Then it was off to the game - the Ducks played the Minnesota Wild and they won 6-2. It was definitely a unexpected source of joy.  

#11: Hand Stitched Joy

I also received an unexpected package from my Grandma - an early Christmas gift. She hand stitched a beautiful flower design in pinks and soft blues on to a set of white pillowcases. So beautiful and thoughtful. These types of gifts seem to falling by the wayside, don't you think? I guess the biggest reason is lack of time but what a great way to show someone how much you love them by spending the time and doing the work to create something priceless. And my Grandma is 85! I will definitely cherish this gift forever.

#12: Joy-ful Pieces 
I love puzzles. I love that when I'm putting them together, piece by piece, I can think of nothing else. I forget about the work that needs to be done, the chores that need to be tended to and the list of errands that need to be run. I'm sure I've mentioned this before - I come from a long line of women who love puzzles and it all began with my Grandma. When I visited my Aunt and Grandma over the Summer, my Aunt gave me this particular puzzle. I hope to have it finished by Christmas and then have it framed so that I can display it proudly next Christmas...and every Christmas after. Another great gift and a great source of pure joy.

#13: Joy-ful Love Stories
This past Friday night, while Leo was out shopping for the boys (his nephews) I sat on the living floor and tackled the task of wrapping gifts while watching some of my favorite movies. Movies that make me smile, laugh and cry all at the same time. I am usually drawn to love stories, surprise surprise. They are a great reminder of what it felt like to be a part of  a newly "in love" couple. The butterflies in the pit of my stomach. The giddiness. And all of the many firsts; the first kiss, first date and the very first, "I Love You."

Photo by Vanessa

#14: Joy-ful Hugs
Who doesn't love a great big hug? I certainly do. They have this way of warming you from head to toe. And I'm not talking about the half body hug or the awkward one arm hug. I'm talking the full body, arms all the way around hug. There's just nothing better. Per Wikipedia, "Unlike some other forms of physical intimacy, it is practiced publicly and privately without stigma in many countries, religions and cultures, within families, and also across age and gender lines." What an easy way to spread love and joy!

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Day 3: 100 Joys

#8: Joy-Ful Cooking

I love cookbooks. I especially love cookbooks handed down to me and the ones given to me as gifts. I love that at any given time, I can decide to try something new. And I love that recipes hold memories, just like photo albums. When I think of one of our favorite family recipes - chicken tamales, I think of Christmas Eve's spent with my Dad's side of the family at my Grandma's house. The joy felt in the presence of family enjoying recipes past down from generation to generation.

#9: Joy-ful Games

Spur of the moment joy like playing thumb wars while waiting for your name to be called for breakfast. I sat and watched this seemingly insignificant moment between my niece, Jennifer and her son, Jonathan. Instant joy. 

#10: A Joy-ful Corner

This joy-ful corner is in our living room, on the fireplace mantle. The photo is of my maternal grandparents. I never met my Grandpa but my Grandma is nothing short of amazing. She worked as a waitress, raised four kids alone and still found time to cook, clean and sew most of their clothes. She always makes me feel like nothing is out of reach. She's spunky and smart. And quite the card player, too.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Day 2: 100 Joys

                                         

#4: Joy in a Cup
Could it be possible? I think so. Call me crazy but there is something in my  drink of choice that instantly makes everything okay. Strange, I know. Just the smell of coffee makes me "perk up" - no pun intended.

To top things off, my local Starbucks just feels like home - warm and cozy. And because I'm a regular, they know my name (just like the theme song from Cheers) And occasionally I don't even have to wait for my drink at the bar because the barista will start making my drink when he/she sees me in line. (I know...so nice!) 


#5: Joyful Creatures

When Leo and I are sitting on the couch, it only takes a few minutes for Sunny and Quincy to end up in our laps. Sunny, who I lovingly call the "Cuddle Monster" absolutely loves to cuddle. They both bring so much joy into our lives, just by being there.

#6: A Joy-Ful Partnership
My hubby is a HUGE source of joy for me. The first thing I fell in love with was his smile and his genuine concern for others. He is an amazing provider and my very best friend. His laid-back personality helps me keep my sometimes flailing feet on the ground. My favorite place in the whole wide world is in his arms. 

#7: Candles Aglow with Joy
Candles have a way of soothing the soul. Maybe it's the flickering flame or the fragrance it emits into the air of every room. Or a combination of both. This adorable candle holder was a Christmas gift from my Mom last year and it sits on my desk omitting the smell of vanilla and spice - a simple joy but still a joy none the less.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

100 Joys: Day 1

One of my fave bloggers, Sarah Markley of The Best Days of My Life started this project for the month of December and the goal is to find 100 Joys. Simple as that.

It's easy to get caught up in worrying about all the things in life that you wished you could change or fix but what if we had a distraction? What if we made a choice to focus on the joys in our life? If you would like to participate, check out Sarah's blog and be sure to grab her 100 Joys button on the sidebar. 

#1: Joyful Reading
The simple act of reading a good magazine. The recipes, the craft projects and the short stories. The pretty pictures and style ideas. Inspiration and joy, for me, is usually presented to me visually first and foremost. 

#2: Packaged Joy

Sending packages to my loved ones. I get giddy when I am filling it with all of the things that I know they will love. These particular boxes are for my brother and sister-in-law who are serving in the Army National Guard in Iraq. Knowing that they will be home soon makes me even giddier.

#3: A Joy-ful Bulletin Board
I picked up this really great bulletin board from Ross a little over a year ago for my office and it wasn't long before it was filled with pictures and cards. A great daily reminder of the all the joy in my life.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)