Thankful

As I reflect on the past year, the word thankful doesn't seem to cut it. I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of joy.
My life feels full and complete. And I am grateful for all of it - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Thankful for my husband who my heart still goes pitter-patter for after all these years.

Thankful for Jacob's long-awaited presence in our life and all of the many firsts we enjoyed together, as a family of three.

Thankful to my family, friends and soul-cysters who are a never-ending source of support and encouragement.

It's one thing to brave the journey alone but to be able to share that journey with other women who are dealing with the very same obstacles, frustration and grief. It is nothing short of a gift.

If you happen upon this blog and you are searching for answers and support surrounding infertility, miscarriage or infant loss, I urge you to reach out to us. Even those of us, who have been able to conceive and give birth to our miracle babies. We will keep you focused, determined and supported. More importantly, we'll help you see that miracles DO happen. Every day.

Just this morning, I received the amazing news that my good friend over at Punch Today in the Face is pregnant with her third miracle baby - Congratulations my friend!

This year has had its ups and downs. In the Spring, my little sister went in to have a lump removed from her breast. It was cancer. The good news is, it hadn't spread and they caught it early so she didn't have to endure chemotherapy. Instead, she was instructed to take a low grade radiation pill for a year. I pray that she is cured completely and that this is the last instance of  cancer for our family.

We endured but we also prevailed as a family. We fought hard and sometimes lost our minds alittle, but overall when I look back at 2012, I see lots and lots of things to be thankful for. Big things, like our little Jacob Mario and little things, like enjoying lunch at our favorite mexican restaurant in Ontario together, as a family.

Last night I found this free download via Dear Lizzy. It's a "Twelve Things We're Grateful for in 2012" list that I thought would be a perfect activity for the whole family before or after dinner. Check it out here.

I recently caught a glimpse of one of many neighborhoods in Staten Island who are still struggling to get back to normal life. It really puts things into perspective. Regardless of our individual situations, our past hurts and our current struggles, we all have something to be thankful for. Whether it's our health, the roof over our heads or the food on our tables, it's important to recognize what we do have and more importantly, to be genuinely thankful.

THANK YOU, for being a part of my journey!

Enjoy the Day!
Malissa

One For the Books

It's been a great fall season - one for the books, for sure.

I think it is safe to say that we are no longer a co-sleeping family. (Not that I am against it...) Jacob has been sleeping in his crib for about a month now and I can't begin to tell you how nice it has been to have our nights back. I am happily back to reading books, blogging and getting my general craftiness groove back, among other things. (hee-hee)

In early October, Jacob and I visited the Santa Ana Zoo with my little sister and her two daughters. If you haven't been, I highly recommend it. We enjoyed our lunch under a blanket of trees that overlooked a perfectly placed playground and it was relaxing to be able to just sit and talk.

Then we hit the ground running, starting off our little adventure in the rain forest aviary where they had the most beautiful waterfall. There were so many lush green trees and bushes - it was easy to forget that we were in Orange County.

We were able to see several types of monkeys - about fifty in total, plus an array of farm animals and birds. It was great because we were able to walk the entire park and pretty much see everything there was to see within just a couple of hours. I definitely plan on visiting again in the near future. Oh and did I happen to mention that admission was only $10 for adults and Jacob was free?

He attended his very first Homecoming Weekend in mid October. Leo brought him for a couple of hours so we were able to enjoy lunch together before we watched the football game from a park bench. As you can see, Jake sported a University of La Verne onesie that I picked up from the bookstore the day before. It was nice to have them both there to enjoy the festivities.

A few days later the three of us visited the Cal Poly Pumpkin Festival - his first trip to a pumpkin patch. It was very crowded and a bit warm, but we still managed to get our family photo taken as well as a ton of shots of him amidst the pumpkins. Jacob seemed to have a good time - he kept hitting the pumpkins and then flashing us with one of his huge grins. It was hilarious.

We also had three very special first birthdays to attend in October. About two weeks after having Jacob, I started going to a (new) Mom's Group that was led by our lamaze instructor. I am really glad I did because the group has helped me in so many ways and I've made some really great friends in the process. We try to meet up every few months and this December we plan to get together to have the boys photos taken together. Wouldn't it be cool if they all ended up being great friends for years and years to come?

But I digress. It was just really nice to be able to celebrate this very special milestone together. The birthday parties were adorable and lots of fun. It's interesting to see how the boys are developing in different ways and to see them go from tiny babies to one-year olds is just amazing to watch.

Although Jacob's birthday was on October 17th, we decided to celebrate it two weeks later because it fell on the week of Homecoming Weekend. It was a great day but I will gush over the details in a separate post so I can include lots and lots of photos. 

So that has been our Fall so far. I hope you are enjoying your fall season - isn't it magical? There is something about it that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I'm so grateful for the blessings that my little family has been given, but I am also always praying for those of you who are still hoping and praying for your miracle babies to arrive. I know it can be a difficult road, but I promise it will all be worth it in the end.

In fact, I believe it makes every single, silly moment even sweeter.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A New Mom (still)

A New Mom.

That would definitely be the title that best describes me. Even after a full year, I feel as though I'm crawling on the floor, in the dark with blinders on. Jacob has yet another cold, and he had a doctor's appointment yesterday.

The good news is, he weighs 25 pounds and he is 32 inches tall, but unfortunately, he has been experiencing some constipation problems. I'll spare you the yucky details but my recent membership into motherhood has definitely been tested for the past few days. In addition, the doctor recommended ear drops because apparently, there is a build up of wax in his left ear. He explained how to use the medication step-by-step so initially, it sounded easy-peezy.

Boy, was I wrong.

First, I read the instructions on the bottle, which recommended that you administer five drops into the ear canal. Then either keep the child on their side or to insert a cotton ball into the ear, so as to prevent the much-needed medicine from exiting the canal. Unfortunately, I didn't have cotton balls so I cleverly opted for a small piece of toilet paper. But then when I actually went to administer the drops, much to my dismay Jacob quickly began to squirm and it felt as though I had to squeeze the tiny bottle with all my might to get even one single drop.  

Finally, after five long minutes of him crying and squirming, I felt confident that I had released the five drops into his ear canal so I strategically placed the bunched up piece of toilet paper, and prayed that the medicine would still be able to work its magic. Then I placed him in the tub and waited for the recommended length of time before removing the toilet paper. While I waited, I bathed him as best I could, given he was still crying and visibly tired. But when I finally removed the toilet paper, I didn't see anything that resembled ear wax. In fact, I didn't see anything at all. The outer ear was completely clear - Crap!

By this point, I knew he wouldn't endure another round of this so I opted to finish his bath to prevent a complete breakdown. Plus, to be honest I was spent. Immediately, though I started to think about what other scenarios might work better - Maybe I could try while he is drinking a bottle? I made a mental note and continued to dry him off, so I could finish his bedtime routine.

I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I know, I know - it's not a big deal, but when I am in the moment, its difficult for me to look at the big picture - instead I think things like, this was supposed to be easy - how did I manage to get it all wrong? I recognize that nobody is perfect and that I am definitely not the exception, but in the moment when things are going wrong - even things as trivial as removing ear wax, I tend to lose sight of that.

Needless to say, we both went to bed early last night, which was good, because it better prepared me for more fussiness this morning, more than likely due to his nagging cold. But I suppose that is what being a Mom is all about. Taking the good with the bad. Every day won't be full of smiles. That and recognizing that I'm not always going to have all the answers and I have a whole heck of a lot more to learn about being a Mom. No question there.

In essence, I need to put my "big girl pants on" and remind myself that I am bound to make mistakes, overreact, and even lose my patience. (although, I hope and pray it doesn't happen often) But despite my  mistakes, I know that I am a good Mom. Goofy, sometimes yes. Funny, always.

There were a few sweet moments yesterday between fussiness and tears. Like, an unexpected first kiss upon request while sharing an apple. I jokingly said that I would give him another piece of apple if he gave me a kiss and I was completely caught by surprise, when he happily obliged. Twice. It was most definitely the silver lining to our cloudy day. And I must say, it was well worth it.

As always, thanks for listening.
Enjoy the Day!

Missy

He's One

Yesterday Jacob turned one. Somebody pinch me - I am the mother of a happy, healthy one-year old. And he's perfect, in every way.

He's not quite walking yet - crawling is his preferance. His favorite past time is to open and close doors, drawers and cabinets. He also likes to take all of the q-tips out of the box, then carefully, one-by-one, put them back. (Usually - sometimes, they are left sprawled all over our bedroom floor)

As far as the types of food he fancies, he loves most of what we have tried giving him. Probably the only things he refuses to eat are peas, but I really can't blame him - I am not a big fan either.

Overall, he is a typical baby - he only cries when he is overly tired or hungry. Otherwise, he is sure to have a grin from ear to ear, showing off his two itty-bitty teeth on bottom, which I just can't get enough of!

And he's definitely spunky, which is just a nice way to say that he is stubborn. It's kind of funny, actually. But not to worry, I have mastered the art form of keeping my expressions hidden from him, as to not confuse the situation.

When I am putting him to bed at night, he loves to hold on to his bottle - it's really very sweet. So, I guess at the moment his bottle is his lovee.

He also loves to babble on and on, which leads me to believe that like his mommy, he is going to be a talker. I have noticed lately that he enjoys matching the tone in my sentence. For example, if I am asking him a question, he will respond with the very same tone, as if he is asking me a question in return.

Now that he is officially one and we have had twelve months worth of memories with him, I just can't imagine our lives with him not in it. Before I got pregnant with him, I always felt as though something was missing. There was a void and I did everything I could to fill it. And I didn't feel whole.

But in my heart, I always knew that I was destined to be a Mom. And now that I am, that hole has been completely filled. In fact, it's brimming with an overwhelming feeling of love, pride and pure joy. When I think about the nine years I had to wait to have him, there is no doubt in mind that I would do it all over again.

If there was ever a song that describes my feelings for him, it would be this one...



Their Light & Choosing Gratitude

Did you know that each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child? Today, on the eve of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day, I am lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of my two angel babies that left this earth in 2006. The first one in June and the other on New Year's Eve.

I've never met my girls or held their hands in mine. I've never touched their face or held them in my arms. I've only felt their presence - the soft, warm glow in my tummy for what seems like a blink of an eye. And six years later, I (still) miss them.

Very much.

But because of their tiny footprints on my heart, I also feel grateful. And I am a better person. Losing them opened my eyes and showed me that life is fragile - ever changing - precious, and that it should never be taken for granted. And gratitude has saved me in ways that I could never fully explain.

In a blink of an eye, our lives can completely change, as a result of death. And there is nothing we can do about it. But we do have a choice. We always have a choice: A choice to continue loving fully, living out loud and giving of ourselves. And not because we have to - to make others feel better about our situation(s). But for our own benefit. So that we can open our hearts to the people still present in our lives.

Despite the pain and sadness that losing two babies inevitably brings, I choose to be grateful and yes, even joyful. They are the light that keeps me on the straight and narrow. I'd walk the ends of the earth for them and truthfully, I want them to be proud of me. Sometimes, when I hear birds chirping or I feel a light a breeze, I like to think that is a gentle reminder from my girls that they are always present. Smiling at me and happy to light the way, with purpose.

One day we plan to sit Jacob down and tell him about his older sisters. Although initially he may be sad, I look forward to that day because my hope is that he will also choose to use their light (lives) as a reminder that life is a precious gift and that he too, will choose gratitude and joy.

To my precious baby girls, I love you today, tomorrow and forever!

Sara Elizabeth, June 26, 2006
Olivia Michelle, December 31, 2006

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

The Transition

Leo and I had a heart-to-heart a couple of weeks ago about Jacob and our "co-sleeping" situation and we both agreed that it was time for us to transition him into his crib. {gulp}

One of several reasons, Jacob is a crazy sleeper - he moves constantly throughout the night and he ends up in the strangest positions. On some mornings, we'd find him sleeping lengthwise between the both of us. He also kicks. As a result, I wasn't getting much sleep because I am and have always been a light sleeper. It was also pretty evident to both of us that he wasn't getting the sleep he needed either. And to be quite honest, I sensed that he needed his own space to stretch out in.

So we settled on a Friday to try it out - last Friday to be exact. I followed our normal bedtime routine, which is: bath, book, then bottle. Typically, I give him his bottle in our room, me sitting up in bed, him on my lap, rocking him from side to side. (Next on the list of things to eliminate) Instead, I opted for the rocking chair in his room. He was asleep within just a few minutes - a little after 8pm.

I carefully set him down on his side, binky in his mouth (The third item on my list) and turned on the monitor and a noise machine that makes heartbeat noises and then I quietly left the room. I immediately turned on the monitor screen in our room to wait and watch to see if there was any stirring caused by my opening and closing his door, but there was no movement.

Not even a peep.

I must have stared at the monitor every few minutes for a full hour. I kept trying not to think about the things that inevitably would find their way back into my thoughts, like what if he wakes up and I don't hear him?, or what if his leg gets caught?, or the the room is too hot or cold - I finally turned on a relaxing spa-like CD. (my go-to on sleepless nights) And then magically, I fell asleep.

The next morning when I woke up, I immediately rolled over to check on him but all I could see was an empty crib. Of course, I jumped up and headed for his room but as soon as I opened our bedroom door, Leo called out from downstairs to tell me that he had just checked on him - apparently, Jacob had found the only corner in his crib that the camera couldn't capture. But guess what? He didn't wake up until 7am on that fine Saturday morning and when I went in to get him, he was all smiles.

Today marks day six days since we started the transition and overall, it's still gone really well. And I have to say, it has been SO nice to have my evenings back. I now have time to wash my face and brush my teeth in a normal person pace, I can lay on the couch and watch a recorded television sitcom. (I watch very little television these days...I suppose that's a good thing) I'm able to pick up a little around the house and I've even started packing our lunches for the following work day.

This whole process has also shown me that changes like this one can sometimes be harder on us as parents, than they are for the child. In this instance, the first two nights, for me, were by far the hardest. I missed him being in our bed - the closeness we shared and knowing that he was safe because he was right there with us. But you know what? I don't regret our decision to co-sleep with Jacob until now. I loved every second of it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I think the key is to do what feels right for you and your child, without any guilt. I am positive that I could find several articles promoting both sides of the co-sleeping/non-co-sleeping argument but let's face it, nothing is cut and dry when it comes to raising a human being. And what works for one child, may not work for another.

With this big transition under my belt, I am definitely feeling more confident as a Mom and it makes me feel as though I will definitely be able to tackle the other items needing to be eliminated (eventually), like the rocking, the bottle and yes, even the binky. {gasp!}

Enjoy the day!
Missy

A New Season

I did it. I did something brave.

I took a step back and I am trying on a new hat, so to speak.

And I didn't do it for myself or for Leo. This life changing decision was solely based on Jacob because he is without a doubt, my driving force these days.

I changed jobs.

I am no longer the Manager of Alumni Relations. As of last Monday, I am the new Biographical Data Specialist, which is really just a fancy title for someone who manages data. I know, it's a very different hat - if anyone can see and feel a difference, it's me but so far I'm managing the transition quite well.

I know some of you may be wondering why I'd make such a change, especially since I was in a job that I really thoroughly enjoyed. All I can say is, I'm following my heart.

When I returned from maternity leave in January, I was determined to make it work. I strategized and organized and I was very lucky to find an amazing day care provider less than five miles from campus and for the first few weeks and even into March, I really thought I'd figured it all out but little by little, things started to fall by the wayside.

It wasn't long after when the guilt began to creep in. I'd come home late and Jacob would be sound asleep. I'd see him for a couple hours in the morning before going into work but I was also gone a lot during the weekends and it never seemed like there were enough hours in the day.

These were all new feelings for me and I didn't predict them to happen to me because like I said, I was determined to make it work. I've always been a "go-getter," "go big or go home" kind of a girl but in the grand scheme of things, when I really thought about where I wanted to be first and foremost, it was at home with Jacob.

This new job is a blessing because it affords me just that. It gives me the opportunity to put in a good day's work in a department that is filled with people who know me well and who have supported me and encouraged me every step of the way.

It's funny - recently, I took a survey that would identify my top five strengths and initially, I was really surprised to find out that "Achiever" wasn't one of them. But after thinking about it, I realized that it makes perfect sense because climbing the ladder has never really been my goal - rather I've always been drawn to anything that involves me and others feeling connected.

Whether it's an event, a party, a fundraiser, a conversation and maybe yes - even a data project. Talking things out and learning from others - strategizing, creating and executing a plan of action and then seeing the final product. All of these things make me feel accomplished. fulfilled. successful.

I suppose If I'm being honest, I do think about the people I may be disappointing at times because I am one who genuinely cares about how I'm perceived. But I guess I my hope is that in this new role, I will be able to showcase some new talents. Many of which I may not even be aware of.

In the meantime, I am just feeling really blessed that I have this amazing opportuity - a new beginning and new season to really enjoy being a Mom. Thank you, God. I'd also like to thank all of you, my blogging community for sticking by me, even through my long absences. I have definitely missed you!

Enjoy the evening!
Missy

Party of Three

I'm excited.

For the first time in years I am SO very excited about Summer. I know this is going to sound strange but I've never really looked forward to it, unless there was a trip planned or a special event to attend. Mainly because Summer to me has always meant lots of opportunities to spend time with your kids so for years I've participated in things but always with the angst of not having any kids of our own. 

The barbeques - playing outside - going to the park - running through the sprinklers - eating watermelon without a care in the world - bonfires at the beach - day trips to the zoo, the museum, a festival or the fair. Granted, Jacob isn't nearly old enough for most of these places and experiences but I don't care. Just the fact that we will have him there to hold, watch and observe the going's on this Summer - together - that is more than enough for me.

And for the future, my head is literally spinning from all of the things I want him to experience, see, feel and touch. My Pinterest board that is almost too obviously titled, "Our Family Bucket List" is literally busting with ideas of places, day trips, activities and games to enjoy as a family. Eventually, some day I know he will begin to get tired of "family time" and opt to hang out with his friends, but until then let's just say I'm planning on taking full advantage of the time Leo and I have with him now.

Kaboose Summer Fun Guide
Summer 2012 - Kid's Summer Ideas
Things to Do with Kids in Southern California
Things to Do in Southern California for Kids
Day Trippen
15 Places Your Kids Should See Before15
75 Things to Do with Kids
60 Summer Activities
100 Free Things to Do with Your Kids This Summer
DIY Outdoor Movie Night
500 Places to Take Your Kids Before They Grow Up

I am seriously giddy.

We are a party of three and our memory making years are starting now. (heart swelling)

Enjoy the day!

Missy

Pardon Me

Pardon me - it's just me, the author of this blog. So sorry to have kept you waiting for so long. My life you see has become much bigger than just My Life & Everything in Between. The more accurate title would now be My Life with Leo, Jacob and a Full-Time Job...and Everything in Between.

Not that I'm complaining - I wouldn't trade my current life for a million dollars, no thank you. It's just that life today is SO very different than I could have ever imagined. I live, sleep, breathe and eat being Jacob's Mom and I've learned a great deal over the past 8 months. That's right, Jacob is a little over 8 months old now. I still can't believe it myself - even typing it out doesn't seem to make it any more believable.

The biggest lesson for me by far has been realizing that it's easy to be the very best Mom when everything is going right but when things are going wrong - now that's a whole other story. For instance, when Jacob gets sick, I can sometimes "freak out." Granted, for the most part, they are internal "freak outs" but even still, I know I need to be more cool, calm and collected. Let's just say that this not-so-little task has definitely been added to my list of things to work on. Just don't ask me about it when things are going wrong :)

There have been other things, too that I've learned:

1. You can only be the best Mom YOU can be 
2. Having several spare outfits is very, very important
3. You can NEVER have too many wipes in the diaper bag
4. When in doubt, follow your heart
5. Expect to make mistakes
6. There will be lots of tears and I'm not referring to the baby
7. Sleeping is a luxury, not a necessity 
8. Feeling guilt when you are a working Mom is a given - focus on the positives
9. The best daycare provider doesn't have to be the most expensive
10. They LOVE nothing more than to laugh and play - forget the expensive toys

Thank you for keeping me on your reading list - I promise I will do my best to post more.What would I do without you, I'm not quite sure. I am constantly thinking of those of you who are TTC and those of you who are carrying - I am praying for a healthy, easy and safe pregnancy.

Miracles happen every day!
Jacob is definitely proof of that! 

Missy

Even Miracles Take A Little Time

My miracle took 9 years. And even now, It's almost impossible for me to forget. And maybe I don't want to as crazy as that may sound.

Being labeled "infertile" was all I knew until just a little over a year ago. Until then, I woke up nearly every day wondering when I would become a Mom. Naturally, there were moments in between when I would throw my hands in the air and vow to move on but it just wasn't possible because usually within a day or two I was back to praying - wishing - hoping for a miracle.

How could I ever let go of this dream?

It wasn't as if I was wishing to be rich or famous. I wasn't dreaming of going to Europe or fancying an expensive sports car with all the bells and whistles. I didn't yearn to be a Pulitzer Prize winner or even a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. My dream was simple and very natural because of the obvious - with my being a woman and all. And never in a million years could I have ever guessed that I would one day face two miscarriages, a failed artficial insemination and a infertility diagnosis but I am so glad that I didn't give up. I have always tried to look at the bright side of things so when I think of the past 9 years, this is what I focus on:

1. My husband and I got to travel
2. I was able to figure out what I was meant to do in life
3. I never would have had the chance to connect with you!
4. I may not have started writing again

Today, I am a Mom and I couldn't be happier with that fact. And my heart will never forget the past 9 years but I am more than okay with that because it wasn't all bad. In fact, there were some pretty wonderful memories in there too. And I wholeheartedly believe that I am a better person and a better Mom today as a result.

I made many mistakes along the way and I endured more than I ever thought was possible but I also persevered and I learned so much about inner strength and the power of human connection - even when the connections are solely made through blog posts, emails and Facebook comments. (I could never really thank you all enough!)

Today and always, I truly hope that I can still be here for those of you who are still praying, wishing and hoping for a miracle. I say this often but I could never really say it enough - never lose hope!

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Visit Faces of Loss/Faces of Hope at: http://facesofloss.com/

He's Sick and I'm a Mess

That's right my little boy is sick again with what appears to be yet another cold - poor baby.

I was at work this evening when Leo called me to find out where the fever medicine was when I immediately remembered that I had left it at the babysitter's the last time he was feverish so I quickly grabbed my purse and went straight to Target's pharmacy. Of course there were way too many options on the shelf so I went to the pharmacy counter next where several people were already waiting in line. I couldn't wait a minute longer so I began to repeatedly say, "excuse me" to the pharmacists until one of them finally looked up.

"Is there someone who can help me figure out what kind of fever reducer to buy?" The lady with a pair of purple rimmed spectacles seemed to look down her nose at me until I told her Jake's age and she immediately agreed to look at the many options I had been holding in my hands. She even offered to look up the proper dosage amount for his weight and thankfully nobody in line seemed to be upset - probably because they could read, "new mom" all over my frazzled forehead. after I purchased the medicine I raced home only to find a smiling baby - at least for awhile.

He's in bed now fast asleep but he's definitely feverish and he sounded pretty congested until I slathered on the Vick's vapor rub, just like my own Mom did when I was little. I keep checking his temperature and thankfully, it's just a low-grade fever but something tells me that I won't be getting much sleep tonight. All in all though, I think I handled my first "Jake's got a fever" phone call at work really well. Exhibit A: I didn't panic and Exhibit B: I didn't shed a tear because let's face it, we all know that I am generally fully capable of this kind of reaction or rather, over-reaction.

I just sprung into action - sure I may have ran through the Target parking lot and proceeded to continue running once inside the store but I did it in a orderly fashion - being careful not to run into anyone or anything for that matter. I also managed to keep my wits about me as well as my manners by saying "excuse me" instead of "hey you!" and most importantly I got home in one piece without incident (Thank you, God)

Enjoy your evening!
Missy

Finding Balance and the 4-Month Update

Confession: I feel guilty admitting this but although I've never been happier in my life, I have also been teeter-tottering lately between feeling completely overwhelmed and feeling as though I have (almost) everything under control.

Granted, I have a four-month old baby and I am very proud to say that every waking moment at home has been spent playing and taking care of  him - the only time I spend on cleaning up and organizing myself is during his naps or very early in the morning before I get ready ready for work.

I haven't slept in in weeks and I have had several evenings, especially recently when I just wanted to crawl into bed to gather my thoughts and energy for the next full day. But despite all of this, I honestly wouldn't trade being Jacob's Mom for anything in the world. I'm slowly learning to let things go by the way side like dirty dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor and carpets not being vacuumed once a week but I still have a long way to go. 

Which brings me to a very important question and I am dying to hear what all of you have to say on the matter. For those of you who work full-time, how do you find balance between work and your home life? and how do you find time for yourself? I want to know your secrets, your short-cuts and your accidental discoveries. Share away, please! And then with your permission, I would like to post your answers to share with other new Mom's like me who are struggling with the age old question of how to find find balance. (Please send your secrets to me at missyah1@sbcglobal.net)

Back to the main reason I am posting today - Jake turned four months old last Saturday and I am loving every second of him at this age because he is just so much fun!

His favorite things to do at the moment are to stare at shapes and words - I can literally stand in our kitchen, in front of my hutch of cookbooks with him in my arms and he will literally stare at them - I can only guess that he is focusing on the colors and the shapes of the letters in the cookbook titles. It is the funniest thing.

Jacob is grasping at things a lot more now and he loves anything musical. He has also recently discovered hit feet and how to bring things, like his pacifier to his mouth. And I could never get enough of hearing him laugh out loud - it makes my heart melt every time. He had his well baby exam this past Tuesday and he weighed in at a healthy 14 lbs and 26 inches long and he is quickly getting too big for size 3-6 months. He just has a few things that still fit him but for the most part, he is now in size 6 months.

We had another milestone this past Tuesday - I dropped Jacob off at daycare for the very first time.

The night before I was a complete mess. It was a busy 3-day weekend because I needed to do a bunch of things around the house, like move all my things back up to the master bathroom, (I had been showering and getting ready downstairs so as to not wake up the boys) move all of my clothes and shoes back into my closet (they were in Jacob's bathroom for the same reason) and then get Jacob's things ready for daycare. Plus, I needed to go to Babies R Us, the grocery store and to Target and I also needed to get in at least a couple of hours of work to stay on top of things.

It was also important to me to spend quality time with Leo and Jacob. So as you can imagine, all of this just added to my anxiousness and I felt completely overwhelmed. I literally had to remind myself to just focus on one thing at a time - as silly as that sounds.

Once I had everything done and Jacob's things were ready for daycare, I felt so much better. (I always feel better when I get it all done) but I was still anxious and nervous about his first day. Thankfully, I am very happy to report that all of my anxiousness was all for nothing because everything went PERFECTLY and the best part has been that Jacob seems to really like Julia, his babysitter. From the moment she held him for the very first time, he was all smiles. And the other kids love to clamor around him every morning when he arrives - it's so cute to watch.

Julia has been really great about sending me pictures and even an adorable video on his first day of him babbling to her - I could watch it for hours. I feel so incredibly lucky that we found her. And the best part is, she lives less than two miles from campus where I work. I know - so very lucky.

So that's my four month old update - I will try to post again sooner than later - when I don't, I miss it and I definitely miss my blogging community! I hope you all are well and happy.

Enjoy the day!
Missy

P.P.G.

P.P.G, also known as Party Planning Girl.

This was the name I was quickly given by my co-workers at ADP, a data processing company where I worked for nearly four years. It didn't take long for them to see the gleam in my eye when someone mentioned there was a shower or a birthday celebration to plan. I jumped at the chance to help several co-workers in the months leading up to their weddings and ended up being their "go to" person on the day of their big day and I loved every minute of it. 

From a very early age I loved to plan, organize and execute parties and I was pretty good at it, too. But when I got out of high school I had no idea that I could actually get paid to this type of work. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my days in office type positions. Luckily for me, the constant encouragement I received  from my co-workers helped motivate me to take the leap of faith and leave the security of a stable, great paying job.

With very little real-life experience I applied for a job in the catering department at several local golf courses in the area and to my surprise, I landed an assistant position for the Director of Catering at Shandin Hills Golf Course. I was finally getting paid to do what I loved - it was a dream come true for me. Unfortunately, the honeymoon period didn't last long. I loved the job itself and the brides who inevitably became my friends and the pay was amazing but the hours - they were horrible. In those six months, I worked every single weekend and the hours were long. Very long.

By this time Leo and I were married and we barely saw each other so I knew I couldn't stay. My heart was broken knowing I had to find a job with better hours. For several years I ended up working in the private sector of the Foster Care industry and I really enjoyed it. I started out as a clerical staff member but in the end, I was fundraising, organizing toy drives, cultivating relationships and partnerships in the community and  twice a year, planning events for the kids.

A few years later, I knew it was time for me to find something that involved more event planning so I applied for several positions. One of openings was in the Alumni Relations Office for the University of La Verne. The job description made mention to some event related tasks but after I submitted my online application I didn't hear anything for weeks. About a month later I received the phone call to interview for the job and after several rounds of interviews with various groups of people, the position was offered to someone who already worked on campus.

I was crushed to say the least. 

For a few days I sulked wishing the call had gone differently and I started to really wonder - was this the industry for me? Should I just resolve myself to being happy in a stable office type position? Maybe I was asking for or expecting too much out of life? And worse yet, I wondered if I had made the right decision to leave ADP in the first place. But then that very next Monday I received a phone call from the University only this time they offered me the job!

I have since been with the University for nearly four years and I can honestly say that l love coming to work every day. With any job, there are challenges I face every day - deadlines, last minute additions and changes, and circumstances I have no control over despite my futile attempts but the job itself suits me to a "t." I love working alongside my co-workers and I enjoy meeting and getting to know our alumni. And the best part is, I can be as crazy organized and detail oriented as I want to be and without apologies. 

I say all of this to show you that it is possible to find the career you are meant to have. Just think about what you are passionate about and figure out what industry is best suited for you based on that passion. And don't give up when it doesn't happen right away. My path to La Verne took me eleven years but I wouldn't trade all of the experiences I had in that time for anything now. I'm so glad I took the leap of faith. And most of all, I feel very fortunate to have had such supportive co-workers who pushed and encouraged me to find my life's passion.

Now it's my turn to encourage you - what is your life's passion?

Missy

Stepping Stones

How to grieve losing a baby that you never got to hold.

For me, losing two in utero initially felt like I had been punished. My body hadn't done it's job. It was easy to blame myself because who else could I blame? Simply put, I was the one who was supposed to take the egg and make it into a baby. It's only been in the last year that I have finally come to realize that it was really God saying that he had other plans for me and for my little babies. It's still hard to deal with at times but overall, I get it now and I feel completely able to help others through the grieving process. In fact, there is nothing I want more than to help other women follow the stepping stones through their own grief.  

My loss has truly opened my eyes to what is really important in life and I am humbled by the countless blessings I've been given. True friendships were solidified. And the door opened up for me to sit down and write via a blog - my very own place to share, sort out, learn, grow and to be consistently inspired. It has also been a great place for me to connect with other women who are dealing with P.C.O.S and loss. We carry each other at different times but we are always in it together - no matter what. In short, I have been very lucky to have the kind of encouragement and support I have been given and I want to pay it forward somehow.

Many have asked me questions related to how they can best help a loved one dealing with grief. It's difficult to sometimes know just what to say. Over the years I have heard many heartfelt words that have helped me through and also some that have unintentionally angered or hurt me. Today, I wholeheartedly believe that the best thing anyone could say to someone who has lost a baby or any loved one for that matter is, "I am so very sorry for your loss." That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. And instead of saying, "I am here for you if you need anything," figure out what is in your heart to do and like a Nike ad, "Just Do It."

• Drop off a homemade casserole or some yummy baked goods
• Offer them your hand and/or a great big hug
• Encourage them to talk about their grief 
• Gift them a journal or to start a blog
• Encourage them to read blogs written by women who are experiencing the same kind of grief

I also believe that remembering our angel babies in a outward way is a crucial stepping stone in moving past the pain. I've done some research and would like to share the links of some pretty amazing websites that offer several different ways to remember them in a special way. There will probably always be some sadness but when we remember them outwardly by lighting a special candle or placing an angelic statue in our garden or even wearing a symbolic necklace, we will be able to think about their existence in our lives, no matter how short lived and we open up our hearts to feel blessed.

Blessed by their angelic spirits and by their love that shines down on us every single day. 

International Star Registry
Arbor Day Foundation
The Comfort Company
Planet Gift Bakets
Inspired Art Prints
Patricia Ann Jewelry Designs
Molly Bears
My Forever Child
La Belle Dame
Still Life 365
Christian's Beach

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

Homemade Bliss

Homemade Bliss.

That would be my short and sweet description for all of the beautiful handmade blankets Jacob received: Crocheted blankets, tie fleece blankets, blankets embroidered with his name and even an antique fire truck quilt.

One particular blanket is extra special to me because it was made from material that my Mom had been holding on to since my little brother, Mario was a baby. When I read the card, just before opening the box carrying a beautiful Winnie the Pooh blanket, my heart filled up with love knowing just how special this blanket was to her and now to me and one day it will be very special to Jacob, too.  

Blankets hand-made by the people you love - I really don't think there is anything better. Every time I wrap Jacob in one of these blankets, I smile and my heart warms a little knowing that love went into every stitch and into every tie.

Because they are so special, I make it a point to use a different blanket every month and when I photograph Jacob, I always use one in the background and not just to commemorate the blanket for me but also for Jacob and who knows, maybe one day he will wrap his own baby boy or girl in the very same same blankets with a smile and a warmed heart.
 

One Month Old

Two Months Old

Three Months Old

A Place To Be Remembered

Shasta-Trinity National Forest

I had to share this. This morning while checking my dashboard, I came across a post from one of my blogger friends: Miss C. The title is "The Angel List" and in it she explains that a tree will be planted by the Arbor Day Foundation in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest and below that she lists the names of babies either born preterm, still or by miscarriage. All in all, there will be 40 trees planted in honor of her own twins, Michael and Alena who they lost this past October.

As I scrolled down, I read the names of our two babies:

Baby Sara Elizabeth – June 26, 2006 & Baby Olivia Michelle – December 31, 2006

For a few seconds I couldn't catch my breath.

Tears started to fall down my face as I tried to wrap my head around what had just been given to us and to our babies - a physical place where they can be remembered forever - what an amazing gift. It is astounding to me that through her own pain, she has taken it upon herself to help others find peace by finding a place to memorialize their babies lost too soon. And even more amazing about all of this is that Miss C and I have never met face to face. We've never shared a cup of coffee or split a lunch bill. We've never talked on the phone or texted back and forth. We've only emailed and shared comments on each others blogs.

She lives in Washington and I in California so we will probably never get the chance to meet but we will always have a special bond and to all of the other bloggers out there who share our story. We are kindred spirits bound by a painful and life-changing circumstance. 

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we'll never truly part."

Thank you Miss C for giving our girls a tangible place to always be remembered - I feel so incredibly blessed by your friendship and love. 

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Nameless No More

Confession #1: Until last week I couldn't remember the date when I miscarried the first of my two babies. I remembered when I lost the second one because it was on New Year's Eve in 2006. I also hadn't remembered that I had lost them both in 2006.

Because they happened so early in my pregnancy, I didn't allow myself to outwardly grieve their loss but the fact of the matter is that had everything gone perfectly, Leo and I would be raising three children instead of one. It wasn't until a blogger friend of mine shared her story that I started to really deal with this reality. I've thought about my angels countless times over the years but I never even whispered a word about their presence in my dreams - not even to Leo.

Confession #2 - in my dreams they are always girls and eventually to help me cope with their loss, I named them but again I never mentioned a word of it, not even to Leo. I guess I was worried that they would think I was crazy or that I was putting too much thought into it. But I needed so badly for them not to be nameless, much less forgotten. They existed even if it was for just a few weeks in my belly and they had the potential to be such beautiful little baby girls. To be able to write about them now, especially here makes me feel so much better because it solidifies their presence in my life.

And so this post is dedicated to my two angels - you were part of me for a very short time but you will forever reside in my heart. I love you both very much and look forward to meeting you one day up in heaven:

Sara Elizabeth - passed on 06/26/06
Olivia Michelle - passed on 12/31/06

For years, I have wanted to purchase jewelry in remembrance of them - I finally did it last week and I am so glad I did. The first is a necklace that I ordered from La Belle Dame and the other is a heart charm that I can attach to my bangle bracelet that says, "Mommy of Angels" on the front and on the back, the dates when we lost them will be engraved. I ordered it from My Forever Child.

Women don't often talk about their experiences with miscarriage and I completely get why - it's depressing no matter how you choose to bring it up. But for someone who has had one or more, it feels good to talk about it because it can be so very isolating when you don't. We need to work through the pain and the loss felt not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.

As always, thank you for allowing me to "come clean." To say that I feel better is a huge understatement. The sadness will always be there but the happiness that comes from talking about them completely washes it away, even for just a little while.

P.S. I have since opened up to Leo about all of this and I'm so glad I did because he also had been wanting to talk about it for some time now. 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy

My 2012 New Year's Resolution

Image Source

Hello all - it's that time of year again when we sit down and write down all of the things we would like to accomplish in the coming year and for some reason, I have already hit the ground running. Something about having Jake in my life makes me want to be a better person. This year I took an idea from a fellow blogger (who I just adore) and created categories for this year's goals, which are as follows: 

Health:
1. Limit fast food meals to 3 total per week
2. Lose 10-15 pounds (or at the very least maintain my current weight)
3. Plan healthier home-cooked meals at least 4 days a week

Jake
1. Create a more consistent bedtime routine
2. Break the habit of Jake sleeping in our bed by 6 months old

Home:
1. Finally decorate our bedroom
2. Create a picture wall in our stairway
3. Organize Jake's closet by adding shelving and double rods
4. Hang shelves and other items on Jake's walls
5. Create a guest bedroom

Blogging, Journaling & Scrapbooking
1. Blog a minimum of every other day
2. Scrapbook #1: Baby showers
3. Scrapbook #2: Jake's first year
4. Start journaling daily thoughts & record Jake's milestones
5. Figure out the cheapest way to print photos taken for past 5 years, then get to printing! 

Other
1. Organize rummage/bake sale to raise money for Autism Speaks
2. Have a quilt made from my favorite Jake outfits  
3. Purchase some sort of jewelry in remembrance of my two angels 01/06/12

As you can see, I'm going to be a very busy girl in 2012 but something tells me that the things that the one thing that is bound to fall by the wayside is the scrapbooking because when faced with either playing with Jake and scrapbooking, playing with him will always win. One idea I have is to utilize my lunch hour during the work week, even if I just dedicate 1-2 days per week - it's better than nothing, I figure.

So...enough about me - what's on your new year's resolution?

Enjoy the day!
Missy

Lesson #1: Never Say Never

Image Credit

This by far is one of the biggest lessons I have learned over the past few weeks. That and I can only be the best Mom I can be and comparisons will only drive you nuts. For years I claimed I would never let my baby sleep in our bed. Boy was I mistaken. This stead fast rule diminished within only a few days, mostly due to my lack of sleep. The fact is, he just sleeps better and longer with us. And also because who could resist snuggling up to him? I obviously can't.  

I have been feeling really guilty about it, thinking I was only doing it for selfish reasons but then I found this great article on the subject written by Dr. Sears. In it he explains his own personal experience with co-sleeping, which he calls sleep-sharing. It is a very interesting article and it really made me feel better about our inadvertent choice to co-sleep with Jacob. It really has been a great bonding experience for the three of us but I have decided to make it a goal of mine to break this habit before he turns 6 months old and not just for our benefit but for his benefit as well.     

I have however been really good about putting him down for naps during the day so he can sleep soundly for up to four hours in his play crib. And he's pretty good at entertaining himself when I need to take a shower or do a few things around the house. Recently, I've started reading to him and he loves it when I talk to him - I purposely ask him questions and include pauses for him to add to the conversation. And physically he is changing literally every day, which is so amazing to me. At his last doctor's appointment he weighed in at a healthy13 pounds and measured at 23 inches long. (he currently wears size 3 months)

I (finally) started taking video of him last week - in it I talk about his current likes and dislikes and more importantly, any milestones he has reached such as his very first laugh (this magical moment happened two weeks ago = best moment to date) Currently, he loves watching the ceiling fan spin and there is a little black and white safety symbol imprinted on his car seat that he always seems so interested in. He has also discovered his feet - he loves watching them move and he kicks like crazy when he gets excited. To capture the physical changes in him from month to month and since we received so many beautiful blankets, I started taking a photo of him laying on a different blanket once a month. I hope to keep this up through his first birthday.

The biggest change for us to date has been that I returned to work on January 3rd and Leo is now home with him for the next 7 weeks. It was hard but surprisingly not as hard as I thought it would be. The big "to do" on my list right now is to find the best darn place for him I can find. Day Care Centers so far are out of the question. The first place I called quoted me $299 per week, which I still cannot wrap my head around. $1200 a month - that's a house payment. Yikes!

So the search continues. I do have a couple of front runners right now for in-home day care, which makes me feel a little better but I want to make sure I exhaust every possible option before we make a final decision - I will be sure to keep you all posted. I guess that pretty much catches you up to what I have been up to for the last month and a half.

The lessons certainly keep coming and my tolerance with sleep deprivation has seemed to improve a bit but overall, I am feeling really good and I am definitely the happiest I have ever been. I also managed to lose 35 pounds with very little effort on my part since October - I owe it all to Jacob because he is such a active baby. When I mentioned this to a friend recently, she smiled and said..."Of course, he is just like his Mommy."

(Big Smile) 

Enjoy the Day!
Missy