Visiting, Shopping and Eating.

I've been in Utah visiting my Mom and Step Dad since Saturday. The flight was easy - no long lines or crowds shuffling through the corridors of Ontario airport. I stopped in my calm haste to pick up some reading material for my flight and headed to my gate, sat down in a quiet spot and settled in to read a couple of pages before were called to board the plane.

This was my first time flying Southwest so I had no idea when I boarded where to sit and wondered why they took my ticket at the gate - I felt a tinge of panic in my chest before a flight attendent told the girl in front of me that we could sit wherever we wanted. What? I'd never heard those words before on any other flight. It felt kind of strange but it wasn't long before I found a aisle seat near the back of the plane.

Then I sat back and read some more...SO nice!

So far my visit has mostly consisted of sleeping in until 8:30 am, eating breakfast with Mom and Chuck and then hitting the After Christmas sales. We have hit not just one Target but two plus Walmart, Bath and Body Works and Kohl's. I've definitely learned on this trip that together, we are dangerous. Lethal even, zero-ing in on the must-have's and the too-cheap-to-pass-up's. We always gravitate to the Christmas section in the back corner of the store in search of pretty ornaments, dirt cheap gift labels and party wares for next year.

Gift labels for next year for .65 each!

A mix to make some fish shaped treats for Quincy and Sunny

At Kohl's we bought warm clothing to get us through the rest of the wintery season. I managed to pick-up two great sweaters (I love the styles out this season) that normally retail for $40 for $13 and I also found some beautiful blingy picture frames that will adorn our mantle next holiday season that were 60% off.

And at Bath and Body Works I snagged some Twilight inspired body wash and lotion called Twilight Woods that has a woodsy yet sweet smell to it, my favorite CO. Bigelow mint lip gloss in Barely There tint and some chocolate peppermint fragrance refills for my wallflowers. The full size body wash and the 2-pack of refills were $5 and the mini lotion was only $3.

Today we went to see "Little Fockers" - it was funny. Predictably funny but still funny and then we enjoyed lunch at Chili's complete with a pomegranite margarita for me and for Mom - a neon green concoction that was a spin-off from your typical long island iced tea. Tomorrow the plan is to stay inside and bake as a storm comes in to bring in more snow. Should be fun and relaxing. It's been a great trip so far - chatting and relaxing, shopping and eating far too much. I guess now my only worry is how I'm going to get everything home!  

P.S. If you like "Chick-Lit" I highly recommend the book above!

I hope all of you are enjoying what is left of this beautiful holiday season

XOXO,
Malissa

Today

Photo by CaptPiper

Today, I received some bad news about a friend's husband's failing health and it really got me thinking. I kept thinking about everything she must be going through. Oh, how I wish I could make all of this go away for her. I can't even fathom. It definitely puts things into perspective and it makes my situation seem tiny in comparison. The pain and grief I've been dealing with is very different but in so many ways, I know it could never, ever compare.

I've got to stop letting this situation overwhelm me and start focusing on the here, the now and most especially, the future. Stop focusing on what I can't control and instead, focus on the things I can control. And most importantly, appreciate what I do have, instead of what I don't have. Because when I do focus on the good things...no matter how big or small...I feel overwhelmingly grateful.

Grateful to be alive, grateful to be in love and to be loved 
Grateful for moments of clarity like this one
And grateful to all of you - for your love, friendship and support 

Grateful for warm clothing, shoes to cover my feet and for my little leopard umbrella for keeping me dry these past couple of rainy days. I'm grateful for the unlimited opportunities to spend time with my loved ones - keeping in mind that I am the only one who can turn each opportunity into a reality.

Grateful for quiet stolen moments spent listening to the pitter-patter of rain drops on our bedroom window and grateful for the cup of hot cocoa enjoyed standing inside the Carnation Cafe in Disneyland at the end of our rainy day adventure on Monday. (And what an adventure it was!)

Grateful for new experiences, for self-discovery and for the people in my life who remind me to think and dream BIG. Grateful for everything I have, everything I'm able to give and everything I'm able to do whether its running upstairs, skipping across the shopping center parking lot, singing in the car or dancing in the privacy of my bedroom.

It's hard to believe that only just a few days ago I felt crippled by my frustration and grief but today is a new day. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish I could wave a magic wand so that everything could go back to normal for my friend and her family. I guess this is just a reminder of just how fragile our lives really are. Life is a gift that's never promised. For me. For today - I'm unbelievably grateful.

For my friend and her family, I'm hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle!     

My Way

I've been feeling a bit off lately. It's probably a combination of my never-can-tell hormones and the looming questions in my head about whether we should continue trying to have a baby. (I know...I'm there...again)

I've been over this a million times.  
 
The realization hit me recently that if we did get pregnant next year and I'm able to carry the baby to full term when he/she turns 20, I would be 58 years old and Leo 60. And if our son or daughter has a child at let's say 20 years old, I would be (gulp!) 78 and Leo 80. I don't like these numbers. I don't like them one bit. They make it difficult not to feel as though our "window of opportunity" has passed us by and it feels as though it happened in a blink of an eye.

Well intentioned family and friends are always telling me that I need to keep fighting, to stay positive and just do everything the doctor tells me to do. Or my favorite, "As soon as you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen." (If only I had a nickel for every time I heard that one!) Instead of a hefty helping of positivity and advice, I just wish they would say, "I am so sorry that this is happening to you" or, "How are you coping with all of this?" so that maybe I could talk all it out with someone other than myself. Because...

I hate feeling like I'm giving up
I'm battling myself even now, as I type
More than anything, I want to feel whole again
And I feel the need to protect myself from more loss and disappointment. 

I wish they knew (without actually having to go through this) just how difficult it is to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you have no control over the outcome. Especially when the outcome means more possible loss. I'm feeling physically and emotionally tired of wishing and waiting, hoping and praying. And I'm especially exhausted from being on this crazy roller coaster of emotions where one moment I'm feeling as though I could fight this fight for another 10 years and other days, like this one, where I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat.

And it's easy to feel broken

Every day I have to FIGHT to stay positive. I have to CHOOSE to live my life instead of wallow in my grief. If my plan is working, I'm making it look easy. Some days it IS very easy to stay positive and to live my life the best way I know how but other days, I find myself hiding behind a smile or avoiding a conversation in fear that I may "lose it" or worse, risk making someone feel uncomfortable. But that's what I have to do for my sanity because the alternative scares me even more.

Depression

Depression is a word I don't like to think about or consider. I avoid it at all cost. I refuse to let it win or take over, even for a short while. There are many aspects, about this situation, that I have no control over so I most definitely try to control every other part of my life. It makes me feel, better and well, in control. So, even now with the lingering questions still swimming around in my head, I am already secretly allowing myself to control other things that may not make any sense at all.

Like, what I will eat for breakfast in the morning and how the kitchen table will be set for New Year's Eve. It's all trivial, I know but it's my way. As crazy as that may sound.

It's just my way

100 Joys: Catching Up To Joy

I have to be honest. I was getting worried that I wouldn't be able to find and document 100 Joys by December 31st. Mainly, because I've missed several days. So I decided to make a simple list in hopes to catch up a little. I must say, this project (100 Joys by Sarah Markley) has really opened my eyes to things I probably wouldn't have noticed. Things that make me smile and sometimes chuckle. Things that make me feel grateful and blessed all at the same time. 

#15: Joy-ful Music 
I love, love, love musicals and I've had the pleasure of seeing a handful over the years with Leo. And every time, I always walk out of the theater with a great big smile on my face. Confession: Before going to see a musical, I will buy the soundtrack and play it in the car over and over until I've learned all of the songs. I know, I'm a nerd.       

#16: Joy-ful Homecoming
My older brother and his wife returned home two weeks ago after serving almost a year in Iraq - safe and sound. I got to talk to him over the phone and he was naturally so happy to be home with the boys and just in time for Christmas. During our conversation, I kept thinking, "Thank you God, for bringing them home safely." And I found myself smiling from ear to ear.
 
#17 through 21: Joy-ful Tasks
 This time of year I get to do lots of the things that I enjoy doing. Like baking all day while listening to Christmas songs, sending "love notes" to our family and friends, shopping for the "perfect" gift for loved ones on my list, drinking hot cocoa and watching nostalgic Christmas movies.

#22: Joy-ful Parties
Tis' the season to mix, mingle and celebrate. I've had the pleasure to "break bread" with several groups this past week and a half. From Colleagues, Co-workers and good friends - I've had a blast chatting, sipping, laughing and capturing each moment along the way.

#23: Joy-ful Expression: 
I stopped at the grocery store for a couple things a few days ago and all of the lanes were open but long lines formed at every turn so I picked one and stood in line, tired and impatient.  There was a young Mother and her daughter sitting in the grocery cart, facing me. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and she just kept looking up at me with this great big grin on her face. Immediately, I felt better. happier. The impatience seemed to just melt away. She was so adorable. And obviously filled with simple and pure joy.

#24: Joy-ful Sound
I love the sound of my cats, Sunny and Quincy purring. If you haven't heard a cat purr, you must visit a friend who has cats to hear it four yourself. It's a naturally soothing and comforting sound. 

#25: Joy-ful Exit

Every Christmas season I proudly hang every card we receive on the door in my kitchen that leads to the garage. It's the perfect spot because when I'm cooking I can glance over and admire all of them. Cards with glitter and cards that carry a musical tune. Cards that are uniquely shaped and my favorite - cards made from family photos, complete with critters in adorable holiday get-ups.  

Day 4: 100 Joys

It's hard to believe Christmas is next weekend. The stocking are hung on our fireplace, the tree is lit with all it's glory and yes, the presents are already under the tree. (come on, are you really that surprised?) Work is winding down, which is nice this time of year. Sort of a short but very sweet reprieve. This past weekend, I experienced more joy, much of which was unexpected.

#10: Joy-ful Surprises

Like a last-minute invitation to dinner at Claim Jumper and a Duck's game with Leo's sisters. Well, technically it wasn't last minute - I just completely forgot the initial conversation. (I most certainly blame old age) At dinner, we talked, sipped on fruity cocktails and got lost in our cheesy potato soup. Yum! Then it was off to the game - the Ducks played the Minnesota Wild and they won 6-2. It was definitely a unexpected source of joy.  

#11: Hand Stitched Joy

I also received an unexpected package from my Grandma - an early Christmas gift. She hand stitched a beautiful flower design in pinks and soft blues on to a set of white pillowcases. So beautiful and thoughtful. These types of gifts seem to falling by the wayside, don't you think? I guess the biggest reason is lack of time but what a great way to show someone how much you love them by spending the time and doing the work to create something priceless. And my Grandma is 85! I will definitely cherish this gift forever.

#12: Joy-ful Pieces 
I love puzzles. I love that when I'm putting them together, piece by piece, I can think of nothing else. I forget about the work that needs to be done, the chores that need to be tended to and the list of errands that need to be run. I'm sure I've mentioned this before - I come from a long line of women who love puzzles and it all began with my Grandma. When I visited my Aunt and Grandma over the Summer, my Aunt gave me this particular puzzle. I hope to have it finished by Christmas and then have it framed so that I can display it proudly next Christmas...and every Christmas after. Another great gift and a great source of pure joy.

#13: Joy-ful Love Stories
This past Friday night, while Leo was out shopping for the boys (his nephews) I sat on the living floor and tackled the task of wrapping gifts while watching some of my favorite movies. Movies that make me smile, laugh and cry all at the same time. I am usually drawn to love stories, surprise surprise. They are a great reminder of what it felt like to be a part of  a newly "in love" couple. The butterflies in the pit of my stomach. The giddiness. And all of the many firsts; the first kiss, first date and the very first, "I Love You."

Photo by Vanessa

#14: Joy-ful Hugs
Who doesn't love a great big hug? I certainly do. They have this way of warming you from head to toe. And I'm not talking about the half body hug or the awkward one arm hug. I'm talking the full body, arms all the way around hug. There's just nothing better. Per Wikipedia, "Unlike some other forms of physical intimacy, it is practiced publicly and privately without stigma in many countries, religions and cultures, within families, and also across age and gender lines." What an easy way to spread love and joy!

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Day 3: 100 Joys

#8: Joy-Ful Cooking

I love cookbooks. I especially love cookbooks handed down to me and the ones given to me as gifts. I love that at any given time, I can decide to try something new. And I love that recipes hold memories, just like photo albums. When I think of one of our favorite family recipes - chicken tamales, I think of Christmas Eve's spent with my Dad's side of the family at my Grandma's house. The joy felt in the presence of family enjoying recipes past down from generation to generation.

#9: Joy-ful Games

Spur of the moment joy like playing thumb wars while waiting for your name to be called for breakfast. I sat and watched this seemingly insignificant moment between my niece, Jennifer and her son, Jonathan. Instant joy. 

#10: A Joy-ful Corner

This joy-ful corner is in our living room, on the fireplace mantle. The photo is of my maternal grandparents. I never met my Grandpa but my Grandma is nothing short of amazing. She worked as a waitress, raised four kids alone and still found time to cook, clean and sew most of their clothes. She always makes me feel like nothing is out of reach. She's spunky and smart. And quite the card player, too.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Day 2: 100 Joys

                                         

#4: Joy in a Cup
Could it be possible? I think so. Call me crazy but there is something in my  drink of choice that instantly makes everything okay. Strange, I know. Just the smell of coffee makes me "perk up" - no pun intended.

To top things off, my local Starbucks just feels like home - warm and cozy. And because I'm a regular, they know my name (just like the theme song from Cheers) And occasionally I don't even have to wait for my drink at the bar because the barista will start making my drink when he/she sees me in line. (I know...so nice!) 


#5: Joyful Creatures

When Leo and I are sitting on the couch, it only takes a few minutes for Sunny and Quincy to end up in our laps. Sunny, who I lovingly call the "Cuddle Monster" absolutely loves to cuddle. They both bring so much joy into our lives, just by being there.

#6: A Joy-Ful Partnership
My hubby is a HUGE source of joy for me. The first thing I fell in love with was his smile and his genuine concern for others. He is an amazing provider and my very best friend. His laid-back personality helps me keep my sometimes flailing feet on the ground. My favorite place in the whole wide world is in his arms. 

#7: Candles Aglow with Joy
Candles have a way of soothing the soul. Maybe it's the flickering flame or the fragrance it emits into the air of every room. Or a combination of both. This adorable candle holder was a Christmas gift from my Mom last year and it sits on my desk omitting the smell of vanilla and spice - a simple joy but still a joy none the less.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

100 Joys: Day 1

One of my fave bloggers, Sarah Markley of The Best Days of My Life started this project for the month of December and the goal is to find 100 Joys. Simple as that.

It's easy to get caught up in worrying about all the things in life that you wished you could change or fix but what if we had a distraction? What if we made a choice to focus on the joys in our life? If you would like to participate, check out Sarah's blog and be sure to grab her 100 Joys button on the sidebar. 

#1: Joyful Reading
The simple act of reading a good magazine. The recipes, the craft projects and the short stories. The pretty pictures and style ideas. Inspiration and joy, for me, is usually presented to me visually first and foremost. 

#2: Packaged Joy

Sending packages to my loved ones. I get giddy when I am filling it with all of the things that I know they will love. These particular boxes are for my brother and sister-in-law who are serving in the Army National Guard in Iraq. Knowing that they will be home soon makes me even giddier.

#3: A Joy-ful Bulletin Board
I picked up this really great bulletin board from Ross a little over a year ago for my office and it wasn't long before it was filled with pictures and cards. A great daily reminder of the all the joy in my life.

This post is part of 100 Joys by Sarah Markley, author of The Best Days of My Life. I encourage you to visit her site and find out how to be a part of 100 Joys. (Be sure to grab the 100 Joys button from Sarah's sidebar for your own site)

Filled to the Brim

It was time. Time to decorate our pre-lit store bought Christmas tree. I stacked the boxes neatly near the tree and began to unwrap each individual ornament. Each one with it's own significance and filled with special memories. Handmade ornaments that I made when I was in kindergarten and elementary school - a hand painted Santa Claus, a snowflake with remnants of silvery glitter and a small stocking with my name written in red pen on the border.

Ornaments that Mom would give me every holiday season, with my name and year written on the back and a few that she had engraved - a shiny gold ornament in the shape of a little girl holding a Christmas bell and a little girl in pajamas holding a cat from the year when I adopted my very first cat who I named Gonzo.

And ornaments that Leo has given me over the years - I especially love the one that has a little boy and girl sitting on a moon - it was a gift from him when we first started dating and a shell ornament from our honeymoon in Maui that plays the song, "Mele Kalikimaka" that we picked it up in a small boutique in Lahaina. 

A button that says "Eat at Ed Debevick's" from my first trip with friends to L.A. my sophomore year in High School. A beautiful ceramic angel ornament holding a key that my Grandma Farmer gave to me when we bought our house. She came to stay with me for a week and we did so much laughing and talking while we worked on putting a puzzle together. (which I later framed and hung in our hallway)

A wooden stocking with Leo's name written across the top, a black and white and a orange ceramic cat that I bought the year we adopted Quincy and Sunny. And a beautiful trio of angels that have real silk wings - a gift from my Mom and a very special gold ornament that serves as a reminder of my little brother in heaven. It has a beautiful poem on the front and his name engraved on the back.

I recently bought an adorable snowman to commemorate our trip as a family to Utah last year for Christmas. Mom had us make our very first snowman - it wasn't much to look at but we had a lot of fun making it. Of course, I have a red Starbucks coffee cup ornament from my love of coffee and lots of Winnie the Pooh ornaments - my favorite childhood Disney character. A mini Christmas poem book - a gift from my friend Sue Newhouse and a set of ceramic teddy bears.

To add some subtle bling, I added shiny gold ball ornaments and then I filled in the holes with red velvet bows. After trimming the tree, I stepped back and took it all in - my eyes scanning the many reminders of wonderful memories and I immediately felt grateful to have such an amazing Mom - the creator of this tradition started so many years ago.

It's a tradition of making your tree so much more than just a tree. In many ways, our Christmas tree reflects who we are individually and also who we are as a couple - where we have been and also where we are headed. It is a very special tree - it is our very own tree that is filled to the brim with memories.

 Our Beautiful Tree

My Blessings

Thanksgiving this year was celebrated in our home. Despite the traffic and the cold, windy weather, my sisters and their families showed up with homemade side dishes. My older sister and my niece showed up early in the morning to help me prep my very first turkey. It was fun, going through all the necessary steps with my sister there to guide me. When the turkey was in the oven, we chattted over freshly brewed coffee and buttery sweet cinnamon rolls.

And the strangest thing happened. In all of my thirty-seven years on this planet, I have always fussed over cleaning, preparing and making everything look perfect but this year, for some reason, I was different. I didn't stress when I realized that we didn't have any ice. I didn't fuss over ironing the tablecloth before placing it and I sat down at the kitchen table...a lot - just talking, laughing and enjoying my family's company. When dinner was over, i didn't rush to wash the dishes - it didn't even enter my mind.

I just sat back and relished. 
Savored every minute.
And it felt good. 

We had such a good time. The food was amazing and thankfully, the turkey was good too. The only thing missing was a couple of family members who couldn't be present, such my Mom, Step-Dad and nephews, Daniel and Jonathan. Their presence was definitely missed but it was difficult, very difficult not to feel completely blessed, sitting around the table with my family and my hubby. We took lots and lots of photos, as we usually do. And we surprised my sisters and my niece with their own individual birthday cakes at the end of the day - the perfect ending to a perfect day. 

I was worried that the holidays would bring me sadness but instead I felt happy and content. And maybe, just maybe this year's experiences - the good and the bad has brought some unexpected balance into my life because the things I thought were important are not anymore and the things that should have been are finally coming into focus. 

It was a great Thanksgiving - one I won't soon forget. I thank God for my family. And for the memories I captured through these photos. I will definitely cherish them forever.

Safe and Sound

I had an inspiring lunch with a beautiful and gracious co-worker today. Then I happened upon this song (thanks to a blog I follow called, Cherish this Baby) by Mercy Me. We all know that letting go is never easy and that life's circumstances can only make it that much harder but when you really think about it, it is really about us needing to feel safe enough to let go. Check out the actual music video down below. 

Safe and Sound by Mercy Me

No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody's home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can't control
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I've found
There is nothing that can pull me
from the hand that holds me
I'm safe and sound
The hardest part I'm always told is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me
Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

The greatest part now I know is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that you're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that you know me

Mercy Me - Safe And Sound

Great Finds for the Holidays

 Photo by: CHHaHH

I was catching up on my (blog) reading last night when I came across this post from one of my fave bloggers, Marta from Marta Writes. Its basically a shopping list; a stuff your stockings at the grocery store list and after I read it, I immediately felt inspired to come up with my very own list but to change it up, I thought it should be all things found at my very favorite store - Target! Have you spied the "Dollar Spot" lately? It's filled to the brim with inexpensive and fun festive-ness. I also added a few great finds from my fave website, Etsy.

The Dollar Spot:

• 12-Month Calendars
• Adorable Holiday T-shirts for your Favorite Pooch or Cat 
• Hello Kitty Stuff Galore; bags, notepads, sticker sets & more!
• Ridiculously Cute Hot Cocoa Packets by Mary Engelbreit
• Dainty Red and White Boxes of Chocolate
• Mini Body Washes, Lotions, Sprays and Lip Glosses 
• Mini Hard Cover Books - Pinocchio, Dumbo, etc.

General Merchandise for $20 or Less:

• "Elf" movie DVD - $9.99 (one of my fave holiday movies) 
• The Smoky Eye Book by E.L.F - only $5.00
• Burt's Bees Colorful Kisses in Pink Set - $8.99
• Textured Slipper Socks by Xhillaration - $7.99
• The Perfect Brownie Pan Set - $19.99 (You know you want one!) 
• Gaiam Printed Yoga Mat - $19.99 
• Christmas with the Chipmunks book - $9.99 (It's a classic!) 
• The Kitty City Hideaway - $18.59
• How great is this Elf Nail Polish Trio for only $3
• This Shopping Cart is definitely on my list! - $11.49
• Must get this Pastel 27-piece Cookware Set for Marley! - $10.99

Or Shop ETSY!

• Chocolate Turtle Brownie Soy Wax Tarts - $5.25 for a 6-pack
• Snowman with Red & Pink Scarf Return Address Labels - $6 for 20
• Friendship Magnetic Locket Set - $22 (Almost too cute for words!)
• Two Tones Light Purple Flower Ring - $8 (Ever so dainty)
• I must have this Truffle Pedestal Cupcake Stand - $20
• Can't resist this Reindeer Cat Hat! $15

Happy Shopping!
XoXo 

Giving Thanks

Photo by: Mckenzie Oerting

In light of Thanksgiving, I thought I would take a
moment to "give thanks" to God. 

  

Thank you. Thank you for my life.
Thank you for my husband of eleven years.
Thank you for our health, for the roof over our heads and for our stable jobs.

Thank you for believing in me, when I didn't even believe in myself.

Thank you for always listening, really listening.

Thank you for my family - for their love and their strength.
And for Leo's family - for their constant support and encouragement.

Thank you for bringing me true friendships that have brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you for the warmth and the the stability that your love brings me.

Thank you for never giving up on me and for overlooking my many flaws and weaknesses.

Thank you for bringing me so much inspiration and joy through writing, blogging and reading.

And thank you for making so many of my wishes come true!

The Big Idea

Thanks to a very good friend of mine, I have been thinking a great deal about something that I really haven't considered or tried yet. And it may sound a little crazy to some of you but I'd eat only grapefruit for a year, if that's what I need to do to get and carry a pregnancy to full term.

Are you ready? Ready for...the big idea?
I've decided to take a completely holistic approach to my infertility.

Courtesy of: The Holistic Approach by Wendy Tran

I've officially dived in head first by spending the last few hours researching various websites, articles and books. So far, I've found some really great resources. My first find was this really great article, called, "Keep the Doctor Away - A Holistic Approach to Fertility."

This particular statement really resonated with me:

"Holistic fertility offers an entirely different approach, one in which women actively participate making lifestyle changes and using traditional treatments which have been shown to help women become pregnant." "It combines working with traditional approaches from yoga, oriental medicine as well as nutrition and the focus is upon achieving balance within the whole body and mind, to prepare for conception."

The thing that strikes me the most about this statement is the "women actively participating" part because well, up to this point - I haven't really felt in control of this whole situation. I've definitely felt frustrated, angry and even helpless at times but never in control. I've had several doctors over the last decade - many who didn't seem to have a clue about PCOS or infertility. And every step we've taken so far has been out of my need to find answers. Not because a doctor has steered us in the right direction. 

That's probably, for many, the root of the problem. It's easy to sit back and let the doctor's figure it out. But also, isn't that what we are taught? - to follow the doctor's orders? We are really never given the chance to try "alternative methods." And the stress - the stress that is caused by infertility and the treatments associated with them, the miscarriages and the painful side affects to PCOS - the stress has to be a factor, when looking at the big picture. It's easy for a doctor to say "Take it easy" or "Try to avoid stress" but they never give you real tangible answers - like trying yoga and acupuncture, which are both part of the holistic approach.

Please don't misunderstand - I am not saying that doctors are unnecessary. They are. And they will always be necessary. But maybe, just maybe there are instances when alternatives methods should be at least considered. (when it is safe to do so) And I guess, in this stage of the game, what do I or Leo have to lose?

I'm excited. Literally chomping at the bit to learn everything there is to know and ready to put the holistic approach to the test. Thank god, for hope.

The Day After

I stayed home today. I didn't plan it, I just woke up and knew that I wasn't ready. Not ready to smile - genuinely and wholeheartedly. Not ready to answer questions or explain the reasons for my being unusually quiet. I'm just not ready. Not quite yet.

Yesterday I was at peace but today, there is another feeling that I can't seem to shake off. I just feel as though something died in me. I know, I know - could I be more dramatic? But you have to understand - this is BIG. This was our life - as we imagined it. I usually put a positive spin on things - especially here, when I write - not always for your benefit but mostly for mine. Because when I do, it makes me feel as though everything is right in the world.

But just this once, I don't think I can put a positive spin on this particular post. So, if you were looking for a negative, wallowing in self-pity post in my blog - I guess, well - here it is. You've found it. (Please don't bookmark it.)

It's just hard. Really hard not to feel angry and cheated. It's difficult not to question or wonder where I went wrong. Probably because I've always done everything right.

I've always been a rule follower
I've been called a "goody-goody" more times in my life than I can count
I've never done drugs, not even a puff of a single cigarette
I drink moderately, only in social situations
I've always lived my life on the straight and narrow path
I've worked really, really hard for everything I have

And I really, really wanted this....

More than anything else in my life. Besides being a wife,

I wanted to experience being pregnant - to be able to watch my belly grow
I wanted to experience childbirth with Leo by my side - every step of the way
Simply put, I wanted to be able to give Leo a baby

And what breaks my heart the most is knowing that I may never get to see what our kids would have looked like. Would they have had my eyes? And Leo's nose? My complexion or Leo's smile?

Instead, I am left with lots of unanswered questions. And I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I do know what I should do. Pray. Pray for answers. And for comfort and peace of mind. And I will but not today. Today, I am just allowing myself to feel sad. It sort of feels like a death in the family. Only there isn't a funeral or a casket. There are no "Sympathy" cards or "We are sorry for your loss" messages. It's more of an internal loss - for Leo and I - one that is difficult to wrap your mind around or to make any sense of.

I suppose it is just one of those things in life, a curve ball if you will, that is thrown our way - to either teach us a lesson or send us off on a different path. Either way, I know that it is not my place to question his decisions. (although I sort of did, earlier in this post, but I'm sure he understands) I'm just trying to cope with this the best way I can. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Confirmation

It happened. This morning. Confirmation that I am not pregnant. 

There were a few tears, but overall, even as I sit on my bed under the covers, writing this post, I am surprisingly feeling at peace with everything. Despite my disappointment and the bit of sadness in the pit of my stomach, I am in a good place. Right here. Now. In this moment.

Leo is definitely a big reason for my mood. He's amazing - have I mentioned that you to before? I'm sure I have but I'll say it again. He's just an amazing husband. He always knows exactly what to say and he has this unwavering air of peacefulness that surrounds him. He held me and let me say what was on my mind. He reassured and comforted me. He even got me to laugh, joking "At least we still have our crazy cats!" We do have crazy cats - that's true. This morning Quincy woke Leo up at 3:30 by opening and closing the bathroom cabinet door. Leo said he had food in his bowl so he must of just wanted his "partner in crime" to wake up so they could play.    

Anyway, up until Saturday, I was feeling really positive. I even allowed myself to talk about all of the "what if's" on Friday night, at Pomona Valley Mining Company - our eleventh wedding anniversary dinner. We talked about what we would do to the extra bed room to turn it into a nursery - the colors, the textures and the furniture. (I know, we are both crazy) And I had also been thinking about names. If it was a girl, Sophia or Sophie. And it if it had been a boy, Jacob. 

I do know that I need a break to figure out some things, before deciding what our next move is - do we try artificial insemination again or do we move on to adoption? Or do we go on living a life without kids? We could both go back to school in the Spring for practically nothing at La Verne. And we could travel more. Leo and I are blessed in many ways, with many different options.

What I refuse to do is let this circumstance affect our marriage and our happiness anymore.

In the past, I let it seep into every area of my life. I allowed this situation to rule me and my emotions. Giving in to fears and negativity. Feeling like less than a woman, a disappointment and a failure. It's almost as if I was saying to myself, "You are not worthy of happiness." Because let's face it, I am big on "Happy Endings" and most happy endings typically end with a family that includes a couple of kids, a dog and maybe a cat. I suppose it is time to re-think that image in my head.

The "Happy Ending" for us may not include kids. It's not perfect. But that's life. Imperfect. Ever-changing. Full of tough decisions but also full of unexpected joy and fleeting moments of sheer happiness. I am definitely ready though. Ready to let go of the pain and live the life that was intended for us and only us. Ready for our very own happy ending. Whatever that may be.

As always, thank you so much for listening! (reading)
And for your love, encouragement and support!

XoXo,
Malissa

Promises Made

Photo by: SRSR

The artificial insemination this morning went perfectly! (Yay!) 

On the way home, I said a little prayer. And in my quiet desperation, I promised things. Lots of things. I promised I would be a better person. A better wife, a better sister and a better friend. I promised that I would go to church every Sunday and that I wouldn't drink anymore - not even socially - not one itty-bitty drink. I promised I would spend much less and volunteer more. And I promised I would finally kick my caffeine habit and take better care of my health. I promised these things because when I think of the road so far and the possibility of me being a Mom after this morning's procedure, nothing else compares. Nothing. Nothing else is too hard to give up or to improve upon. Not after this.

So far, this experience has taught me more than any other experience in my life. It's taught me to value life in its purest form. And that memories with our loved ones and friends are what really matters at the end of the day. And most importantly, that nothing is ever promised or owed to us. This particular lesson has definitely been a very large and irregularly shaped pill for me to swallow. But it is what it is. And without a doubt, this "dip in the road" has definitely made me stronger. It's also helped me in what seems like my never-ending quest not to sweat the "little things"  and to focus on the bigger overall picture. To really appreciate what I have and to forget about all the "stuff" that we sometimes place too much value in. 

I made lots of promises to God this morning and even now, several hours later, I don't regret making any of them. My only regret is that it took this experience to make these promises but you know what they say, "From your mouth to God's ears." Now, I can only pray and think positive baby thoughts. Because ultimately, the outcome to all of this, is in his hands now.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for listening by reading this blog. Thank you for your constant support, for your prayers and for encouraging me to say what's really on my mind. And most importantly, thank you for helping me move past the pain by validating my feelings. Even the not-so-pretty ones. It's easy to lose your way. But it's (usually) just as easy to find your way back with a little help from your family and friends.

Day 12: Ultrasound = Green Light

I just wanted to write a quick post to let you all know how this morning's ultrasound went.  Overall, it went really well.

The ultrasound technician evaluated and measured the lining of my uterus and my ovaries to see how I responded to the medication. The good news is, I have two eggs in each ovary. (Yay!)  She also pointed out though that they were a bit smaller than she would have liked to see and she was also concerned about the lining being thin so she prescribed a medication called Estradiol, which is basically a man-made form of estrogen to help thicken the lining.  It was sort of comical because while she was measuring and re-measuring the lining, she asked me twice if I had been experiencing any hot flashes.  I told her "no" but immediately thought, "Wait - had I?" Lol!
 
After the technician went over the plan for the next few days, the nurse came in to show Leo how to administer the second injection, which is scheduled for Wednesday between 4-6pm and then on Friday we will be ready for our biggest day yet - the artificial insemination! 

Still holding on to hope!
Thank you for your prayers!

Day Nine: A Very Good Thing

Today marks days nine so Leo and I went to the Doctor's office this morning for our "injection administering training." I was a little nervous, but Leo on the other hand was simply put - amazing.

The nurse showed us, step by step how to mix the two different medications and then how to administer the final product. I was definitely a bit nervous at this point but I was didn't utter a peep - trying to concentrate on every detailed step. Then when it was time for one of us to actually do it, Leo stepped up and took care of everything - he followed each step perfectly, mixing the powders one by one with a vial of liquid. And then he administered the shot like a pro! Quick and utterly painless.

After we left the doctor's office, on our way to work, I started to feel some moderate cramping, which in this case, is a very GOOD thing. They are still coming and going as the day goes on and each time I smile a little. I know, that probably seems crazy but I'm happy because my body is finally responding! This definitely gives me hope to stay positive and that's exactly what I'm going to do!

My Weekend Schedule: Think Positive. Be Happy. And Relax.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Friends 4-Ever!

I met Debi in the second grade.  We hit it off almost immediately. I spent many days and nights at her house listening to music, laughing and talking about boys. We tried out for drill team together. And ended up as captains of the team by our senior year. We joined clubs. We went on double dates and celebrated her sweet sixteen with a limo ride to a fancy restaurant. We very rarely argued. And we were always there for each other. But eventually, after High School, we drifted off a bit.

All due to our paths in life. She was busy being an amazing Mom and I was working. We sometimes went years without seeing each other. But we wrote once in awhile and talked on the phone a few times. And I missed her. I missed her smile. Her thoughtful words and her friendship. I missed her funny disposition and her quirkiness. 

I met Marianne my sophomore year in High School. We met through Debi and also through participating in theater performances. I've never met anyone like her. She's witty and smart. And without any hesitation, she made it possible for my little brother and I to appear as an extra in the television show, the Wonder Years. It was a dream come true for him. Something I will always be grateful to her for.

Last year the three of us concocted a grand idea to go to Disneyland in October for Debi's birthday. No spouses or kids. Just us. And despite the crazy crowds and long lines, we had a blast. Our mutual friend and fellow co-captain of the drill team, Darlene joined us for a while over dinner and we immediately became aware of the fact that we were all talking very fast - probably because our time together was flying by. We laughed a lot that night. We took lots of photos and even ended up getting on a decent amount of rides.

That year I bought Debi a mickey mouse charm bracelet for her birthday and then I ended up buying one for myself. This year we bought one for Marianne and we each added another charm - the castle. And decided to make it a tradition to purchase a new charm every year. (Now we just need one for Darlene!) 

Thank goodness for days like these.  Stolen moments.  Spent laughing and reminiscing.  I am so glad that our paths crossed again.  And I hope we will continue to make this a yearly tradition at the happiest place on earth.  I can already picture us in our fifties, or sixties, arm in arm with our blinged out charm bracelets. Smiling from ear to ear.  And not a care in the world.  Now that's a funny image. 

Happy Thoughts (Day 4)

If only I could capture them in jar and place them on my kitchen table for safe keeping. And there they would stay, until the need should arise, which is often these days. I try to focus on the good things. I listen to happy songs and avoid the sad ones. I only watch movies with happy endings, I pray and and I tell myself to "suck it up."  But despite all of my efforts, I still feel sad. Writing helps for a few days and then I start to feel  overwhelmed and maybe even a bit "over myself" and this whole blogging thing. Who am I anyway? My pain is not unique. It's just me. Frustrated and struggling to make it through.Three steps forward and two steps back. 

I try to make sense of everything.

I think about what may have happened to trigger these feelings.

It could be the lack of coffee in my system. As of today, I have been coffee free for five whole days - no small feat. Or more importantly, it could be the fact that my body is not responding to the Clomid. Nothing. Nada. Not even a hint. No cramping, bloating or dizzy spells. And not even the slightest bit of nausea. Pretty ironic that I am wishing I was feeling something horribly uncomfortable, like nausea. Truth: I'd do anything to feel morning sickness right about now. But today is day three out of five. Over half of the prescription is swimming through my body and its as if they were nothing more than sugar pills.

My happy place eludes me. Quickly slipping through my fingers. In the daytime, most of the time, I am good - great even. Then I come home, tired and aware of the impending heartache. I try to wave it off and send it on its way. Come back another day, like the song that children sing when rain comes to ruin their fun. I dig deep and let myself breathe in and out a few times. I try to think about the big picture. I force the images of the people I love in my head. To feel happy, whole and hopeful.

I had every intention to stay positive the whole way through but my tendencies towards protecting myself from possible bad news prevents me from letting that happen. I worry that I will be stuck here forever. In the pain. I don't want to be stuck. I want to be able to move forward. I want to feel as though I am living the life God intended me to live. I worry he'll think I'm ignoring all of the wonderful gifts and blessings he put in my life. Dismissing them like a spoiled child - when I grieve and pray for a miracle.

I say (write) things here I wouldn't normally say. Not even to my husband, my family or close friends. I know, it's strange because most of them will eventually read it all here anyway. But it's the perfect place for me. Here, I never have to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable. Or work hard to keep my pain and fears under wraps. My words are carefully constructed and organized. Never minced. And once I say (write) it, it's instantly validated at the touch of a (publish) button. No judgement. No "you should have done this" or "why haven't you tried this?" And most importantly, no uncomfortable silences or awkward pauses. Just my thoughts and feelings written down, right here, when I feel the need. Like tonight. Now. In this weak moment.

My pain is not unique. This is just me moving three steps forward and two steps back. And tomorrow is a new day.

Day 1 of Round 1

Today is The Day!

Today marks the first day of round one. (gulp) On day three, I start taking clomid once a day for 5 days - to stimulate my ovaries. Then on day 9, I will go in for my first injection of FSH to further stimulate my ovaries. (fun stuff, I know) Next, I will have an ultrasound on day 12 to see if my body is responding to the medication. This will definitely be an important day because if it works, we can move on to scheduling the artificial insemination. (Hoping, praying and keeping our fingers crossed)

I am recording this season of Giuliana and Bill on Style Network so last night I was able to watch the first two episodes. In episode one, they attempted one round of artificial insemination but were unsuccessful and in the second episode, they tried IVF and were given the good news that they were pregnant. Unfortunately, I already know how it all ends. Sadly, Giuliana ends up miscarrying and then trying IVF a second time. My heart breaks for them but I have to admit, I am also really HAPPY that they decided to share their story so that they can use their semi-celebrity status to hopefully shed some light on this very important and ever growing issue. If you have the ability to TIVO, I highly recommend recording it! If you don't mind, silly, cheesy, funny shows. And don't worry - it's not depressing, I promise! Mostly due to Guiliana - she's a crack-up!

Just a little side-note, as I left for work this morning, I couldn't resist putting the car in idle to take a photo of the roses that are blooming in front of our house. (Thanks to Leo!)

As always, thank you for listening (reading)!

Lucky Girl

Photo by: Cuba Gallery

 I am a Very Lucky Girl

Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be free.

Lucky to have a husband who is gracious and giving.

Lucky to have two cats that can turn my frown upside down in 2 seconds flat. 

And lucky to have so many women in my life who constantly inspire me to do more, accomplish more and want more out of life. Blessed by women who are successful business owners and women who rescue abandoned animals in their spare time. Lucky to know a woman who built a big red barn with her own two hands, where she lives and runs a successful farming membership business - doing what she loves. Lucky to know women who sing and women who teach. Women who foster children and women who have given neglected and abused children a second chance in life, through adoption. Women who blog and and women who could use "Dr." in their name, but opt not to.

Women who cook as if they attended the very best culinary schools and women who are in my opinion, the best Mommy's in the whole wide world (ok, so I am a bit biased) Women who have made it their life's work to take care of patients and women who use their own painful experiences to support and counsel others. I am lucky. Lucky to have a friend by the name of Julie, who inspires me everyday through her courage and determination to stay positive, despite her little boy's battle with cancer. She's nothing short of amazing. I am lucky to know women who choose to fight and refuse to let cancer win. Their courage. Their strength and their stories inspire me to fight back but also to appreciate what I have and to live life to it's fullest.

I am very lucky. I have a never-ending stream of motivation - available to me at a moment's notice - through the world of blogging. A gift that keeps on giving. I am lucky. Lucky to have the guidance and the support of those who have traveled the same roads, experienced the same grief and explored the same options. Through my relationships, friendships, and through reading other blogs written by women, I am able to gain perspective. Learn and grow. Heal. Understand and feel whole again.

I am a very lucky girl. Constantly inspired to "get out" and to "get going." To be creative and capture that "perfect moment" on my camera. Captivated by color. Encouraged to write. Motivated to "stand up" and determined to get my life back in track. Moved to wake up early to watch the sunrise and really enjoy the moments that I might otherwise let pass me by. Open to documenting my life and the lives of those closest to me via this tiny little corner in the great big world of blogging. Dead set on purging all of the negative thoughts in my head and steadfast on holding on to the positive ones. Knowing all along that negativity won't do a bit of good. I am encouraged and supported daily, by the lives you lead, the examples you give and by your comments, prayers and love. 

I am in very good company. And in good hands.
I am a very lucky girl.

Thank you!
U know who you are!
xoxo

On Days Like This One

On days like this one, to quiet my mind, I will usually take a few minutes to check my home page on facebook. I'll quickly scroll down and read the many posts from my family members, friends and co-workers - past and present. And usually I'll see a handful of posts that involve spending time with their kids. And yes. Of course, you can guess what happens next. Especially now, with the hope in my heart, as a result of us deciding to try artificial insemination, I will immediately wonder what my life would be like if I was a stay-at-home Mom. Or a Mom who works, which will most likely (if all goes as planned) be me. (I hope and pray)

On days like this, it's not hard to imagine myself keeping the kids busy with craft projects, day trips and carefully planned-down-to-the-minute excursions. Leo and I implementing our very own family traditions and peppering in some that were a part of our own childhoods, for good measure. It's hard to imagine, for me, exactly what it would be like because of the obvious. I do know that being a Mom would change everything. Unlike my days at work, there would be no breaks. No vacation or sick days. And no paid compensation, except for the many hugs, kisses and "I love you's."

On days like this, I wonder what kind of Mom I would be. Would I be strict or passive? Patient or flustered? Would I miss all of the "girlfriend time" I have now, with my friends who I love and adore? The quiet shopping trips and the lazy Sundays spent on the couch with Leo and our two cats. Or more importantly, would he and I make a good team? It's hard to tell but in my heart of hearts, I would like to think that we would be good parents. And I would like to think that I would be a good Mom. Not a perfect Mom. Or even a Mom to aspire to be like. Just me. It's easy to get lost in thoughts like these. On days like this.

Our Choice

We met with our doctor this morning.

And although he was kind and extraordinarily patient, the information he was dispensing was dizzying for me. I found myself secretly wishing I'd brought a note pad and pen to write everything down to avoid missing or misunderstanding anything. He explained in great detail, our two very different "best case scenarios" and their individual success rates, the possible risks and side affects, and most importantly, the estimated costs. Artificial Insemination would cost $1K each time and they would only permit three rounds. In Vitro Fertilization would cost $15K.

Which before I move on, I have to ask a question - why aren't handouts available for this sort of thing? It seems like such an obvious need to me. It would be so much easier on the patient to have something tangible. To make an educated decision. And it would probably alleviate unnecessary stress and worrying because it would all be there on paper in black and white. Spelled out. Easy to refer back to. No more unnecessary phone calls to the Doctors office. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

Back to the actual point of this post: We discussed our options in great detail and asked lots of questions. Dr. Jacobson took the extra time to sketch a quick drawing of how artificial insemination works. My main question (ie. fear) was whether or not another miscarriage could be prevented. I had hoped he'd have a better answer but it is a very definite possible outcome for me, based on my history and my age. I must of been pretty transparent because without missing a beat, he handed me a box of tissue and the tears began to fall. (sigh)

I guess I sort of panicked. You know me. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life and I'm just not comfortable with uncertainty. And I certainly would never choose to put myself at risk for another gutt-wrenching miscarriage, especially if I could prevent it. I needed a definite answer because when all is said and done, its difficult not to feel like I am the problem. Would I be opening myself up to another failure and more guilt? Or if we decide to walk away, would I have regret, or even worse, would Leo resent me for giving up?

Thankfully, Dr. Jacobson kept calm. He seemed to know exactly what to say and how to say it. He even seemed to slow down his sentences, obviously for my benefit. He didn't sugar coat anything nor did he go out of his way to give us false hope. He just stuck with what he could do. What he could control. The tears stopped almost as fast as they had started because it was easy to see that he genuinely cared. We asked for some time to consider our options but as soon as he left the room, we very quickly made our decision. To try. We decided to try (gulp) artificial insemination, after Homecoming Weekend - sometime in mid to late November, depending on my cycle.

On our way out of the doctor's office, we were given a handout, (thank goodness!) that outlined the steps for our first round of artificial insemination. I have to admit, I am a bit nervous about giving myself injections but at the end of the day, we got our much needed answers and "best case scenarios" so we were able to leave feeling confident and hopeful. Confident in our choice and hopeful for a positive outcome.